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[velorwen]

The previous entry is blocked to friends only due to the adult nature of the story...

Not as adult as I had intended, mind you, but I'm getting there. Stay tuned for the good stuff in chapter 4, folks.

And a special thank you goes to neonsym for the beta. I do hope I haven't corrupted his innocent mind.

Comments

[neonsym]

Well, in the first part where the spanking/flogging is going on, there's plenty of visual detail, but when Abby starts her dialogue with Daniel/Debbie, it feels as if something in the visual department is lost, and the language is descriptive in a more conceptual fashion (does that make sense?). You might want to play around with using more color, especially as it relates to skin (the bruises on James, for example. Or later on, when the eye motif kicks in, go a little deeper into the description of eye color, perhaps providing similes to something fantastic or erotic).

In keeping with the visual/flesh theme, I also like what you did with sweat and tears, and I think that could develop into a stronger and significant motif is you described it more (crystal/liquid/glass, ect, maybe some sparkles or glistening of leather/latex. Basically a liquid and shiny theme).

You also mentioned music more than once, and you could bring that to the forefront as well. What comes to mind is the moment when Abby turns her back to Daniel after giving him the bag. I see her looking through the crowd and observing the primal, and erotic way in which the crowds move/dance, the gyrations in tune with the beat, the way skin ripples, exposed or under clothing. this would also be a place where you could work in more color, eyes, and liquid/shiny themes.

Oh! (this critique is snowballing in my head now) I see rough sex in a symbolic fashion as the undertone here. It starts violently, with a bang, (the flogging), continues for a minute, then slows a bit (the Debbie/Danny conversations, and the observation of the crowd), then it builds to the climax, with all of the themes coming together, no, crashing together as Daniel strips. There's no need for a falling action in this chapter, since the sudden end at climax is what you were going for to keep the suspense up for the next chapter(?).

Whew! That was a lot, hope it helps! I'm pretty sure I dropped a gem or two in that flurry of chatter. :)

[velorwen]

Oh bless you, that is exactly what my muses needed....

I have been working on this too long, and trying to hard to make it fit the way I wanted it to. The scene with Ted and James was not what I had in mind for this chapter...it was supposed to just be a brief intro into Abby's scene with Daniel. And it wasn't supposed to end with him stripping, but if I continue with the spanking this runs the risk of being dangerously long.

[neonsym]

lol, innocent? Nah, I just get caught off guard and out of character sometimes.