Fic: Remains Unsaid (Revolutionary Girl Utena, Anthy/Utena)
One of the problems with never updating my DW is I forget to crosspost my fic.
Title: Remains Unsaid
Fandom: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Wordcount: 1,063
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Anthy/Utena (Referenced Akio/Anthy and Akio/Utena)
Notes: Written for
chocolateboxcomm.
Summary: All the things Anthy does not say. All the things she wishes she could.
“You know you can tell me anything.” Utena says.
Anthy smiles. “Thank you so much Utena-sama.”
Utena frowns briefly, then does her best to hide her disappointment. It’s not the answer she wanted. “Just remember that, okay? I’ll listen.”
Utena is naive, ignorant, and self-centered in a well meaning way. But she’s not stupid. Anthy can sense her facade fraying. The mirage is beginning to shimmer at the edges.
I tore my brother’s heart out, she doesn’t say. He was destroying himself for their sake, and he would have left me all alone. So I destroyed him first. But we can’t die like you can, so instead he became something new. Something bad. I didn’t change though. I was already something bad.
Utena is looking at her almost as if Anthy had spoken out loud, but she knows she didn’t. Lately, Utena looks at her strangely. As if there are questions she’s on the verge of asking. Anthy thinks she knows what some of those questions might be. Others… she wonders. Anthy waits for Utena to ask, and knows she never will. She knows, because there are just as many questions she herself will never ask.
You know there’s something wrong, she admits only in her mind. You don’t know exactly what, but you know there’s more to me, to my brother, to this school than we’ve admitted. But you don’t know the right questions to ask, and you can’t bear to speak what questions you do have. And so we draw you down further into our depths.
Dreams are a complicated for Anthy. What is real and what is imagined is less clear. In much the same way that Kali is Durga is also Parvati, Anthy is a middle school student, is a witch impaled by swords, is a blooming rose bush, is a girl sleeping in a coffin. Even “Anthy” herself is an aspect of the thing, not the thing itself. If that first her had a name, she no longer remembers it.
Still, even in Ohtori, there are a few things that have definitely happened, and a few things that have just as definitely not happened. Anthy is fairly sure she was dreaming last night, because Utena is awake and smiling at her.
“Good morning, Himemiya! How did you sleep?”
In my dream, Anthy does not reply, I wrapped my hands around your throat and strangled you. I didn’t want to, not really, but I couldn’t stop myself. You didn’t even struggle. I kept hoping you would struggle. “I slept fine, Utena-sama.”
Utena hums over breakfast. She darts quick, furtive glances at Akio, then looks away, unable to hide her blush.
They are choking the life out of Utena, Anthy and her brother. And Utena doesn’t have the sense to resist.
Utena has had sex with Akio, and she thinks Anthy doesn’t know. She’s giddy and awkward, and Anthy wants to shake her. But Utena has fallen prey to a deception that Anthy has been instrumental in weaving. If Anthy wants to feel regrets, she is several aeons too late.
What if I told you I was the one who started it?” Anthy wonders, but of course does not ask. This thing he and I do. I felt him slipping away from me, and I didn’t know how else to keep him. And he was all I had. I think, once, we even loved each other.
Izanagi and Izanami created the islands of Japan with their love making. They were brother and sister, as well as husband and wife. The rules don’t apply equally, you see? But Anthy doubts Utena would see it that way.
“I’ll protect you,” Utena whispers. “I promise.” She’s said those words, or ones like them, a hundred times. Each time, Anthy smiles.
You’re not the first to try to save me, she could say, if it would do any good. There were others who were kind, others who were gentle. We broke them just the same as all the rest.
Being good has never saved anyone. It didn’t save Dios, and it won’t save Utena. Samsara turns, unceasing, in this world called Ohtori. It was called something else once. It was in a different place. But the world remains the same. Utena is a temporary visitor to this world. The wheel will turn, and someone else will be in her place.
The thought twists something inside Anthy that she thought long dead. Because she suspects that Utena is not so replaceable. It terrifies her to admit that there is something different about Utena. Something Anthy has almost forgotten. It feels like hope, and Anthy hates that more than anything. Nothing is crueler than hope. Even the swords are kinder. At least they don’t pretend to be anything other than what they are.
How dare you, she wants to snarl, to scream. I did not ask for you. I did not ask for your warmth or your friendship. And you never asked me if I wanted those things from you.
Anthy doesn’t snarl or scream. Instead she makes tea. Chu-chu turns over the sugar bowl, and Utena laughs. Anthy laughs too. A sword twists particularly sharply inside her gut, but her expression doesn’t change. It’s a familiar pain.
Anthy has another dream. Again, she’s very sure it’s a dream. In the morning, Utena asks her if she dreamed last night, and to her own surprise she says yes.
“What was it about?” Utena asks. She’s genuinely interested, and that surprises Anthy too, though perhaps it shouldn’t. She doesn’t know when they changed. When they slipped the confines of victor and Rose Bride to become… this. It frightens Anthy. The only thing that frightens her more is how much she wants it.
I dreamt I kissed you, she wants to say. I was cold and dead, but I kissed you, and you brought me back to life. We could leave here. He couldn’t stop us. He thinks I don’t know that, but I do. We could leave together and go anywhere.
I could tell you everything. I could show you what I really am, and I could trust you not to turn away. We could finally trust each other.
I could kiss you right now.
Her throat closes up. She smiles. “I’m afraid I don’t remember.”
One of the swords goes through her heart. She keeps smiling.
This entry was originally posted at http://veleda-k.dreamwidth.org/472964.html. Please consider commenting there.
Title: Remains Unsaid
Fandom: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Wordcount: 1,063
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Anthy/Utena (Referenced Akio/Anthy and Akio/Utena)
Notes: Written for
chocolateboxcomm.
Summary: All the things Anthy does not say. All the things she wishes she could.
“You know you can tell me anything.” Utena says.
Anthy smiles. “Thank you so much Utena-sama.”
Utena frowns briefly, then does her best to hide her disappointment. It’s not the answer she wanted. “Just remember that, okay? I’ll listen.”
Utena is naive, ignorant, and self-centered in a well meaning way. But she’s not stupid. Anthy can sense her facade fraying. The mirage is beginning to shimmer at the edges.
I tore my brother’s heart out, she doesn’t say. He was destroying himself for their sake, and he would have left me all alone. So I destroyed him first. But we can’t die like you can, so instead he became something new. Something bad. I didn’t change though. I was already something bad.
Utena is looking at her almost as if Anthy had spoken out loud, but she knows she didn’t. Lately, Utena looks at her strangely. As if there are questions she’s on the verge of asking. Anthy thinks she knows what some of those questions might be. Others… she wonders. Anthy waits for Utena to ask, and knows she never will. She knows, because there are just as many questions she herself will never ask.
You know there’s something wrong, she admits only in her mind. You don’t know exactly what, but you know there’s more to me, to my brother, to this school than we’ve admitted. But you don’t know the right questions to ask, and you can’t bear to speak what questions you do have. And so we draw you down further into our depths.
Dreams are a complicated for Anthy. What is real and what is imagined is less clear. In much the same way that Kali is Durga is also Parvati, Anthy is a middle school student, is a witch impaled by swords, is a blooming rose bush, is a girl sleeping in a coffin. Even “Anthy” herself is an aspect of the thing, not the thing itself. If that first her had a name, she no longer remembers it.
Still, even in Ohtori, there are a few things that have definitely happened, and a few things that have just as definitely not happened. Anthy is fairly sure she was dreaming last night, because Utena is awake and smiling at her.
“Good morning, Himemiya! How did you sleep?”
In my dream, Anthy does not reply, I wrapped my hands around your throat and strangled you. I didn’t want to, not really, but I couldn’t stop myself. You didn’t even struggle. I kept hoping you would struggle. “I slept fine, Utena-sama.”
Utena hums over breakfast. She darts quick, furtive glances at Akio, then looks away, unable to hide her blush.
They are choking the life out of Utena, Anthy and her brother. And Utena doesn’t have the sense to resist.
Utena has had sex with Akio, and she thinks Anthy doesn’t know. She’s giddy and awkward, and Anthy wants to shake her. But Utena has fallen prey to a deception that Anthy has been instrumental in weaving. If Anthy wants to feel regrets, she is several aeons too late.
What if I told you I was the one who started it?” Anthy wonders, but of course does not ask. This thing he and I do. I felt him slipping away from me, and I didn’t know how else to keep him. And he was all I had. I think, once, we even loved each other.
Izanagi and Izanami created the islands of Japan with their love making. They were brother and sister, as well as husband and wife. The rules don’t apply equally, you see? But Anthy doubts Utena would see it that way.
“I’ll protect you,” Utena whispers. “I promise.” She’s said those words, or ones like them, a hundred times. Each time, Anthy smiles.
You’re not the first to try to save me, she could say, if it would do any good. There were others who were kind, others who were gentle. We broke them just the same as all the rest.
Being good has never saved anyone. It didn’t save Dios, and it won’t save Utena. Samsara turns, unceasing, in this world called Ohtori. It was called something else once. It was in a different place. But the world remains the same. Utena is a temporary visitor to this world. The wheel will turn, and someone else will be in her place.
The thought twists something inside Anthy that she thought long dead. Because she suspects that Utena is not so replaceable. It terrifies her to admit that there is something different about Utena. Something Anthy has almost forgotten. It feels like hope, and Anthy hates that more than anything. Nothing is crueler than hope. Even the swords are kinder. At least they don’t pretend to be anything other than what they are.
How dare you, she wants to snarl, to scream. I did not ask for you. I did not ask for your warmth or your friendship. And you never asked me if I wanted those things from you.
Anthy doesn’t snarl or scream. Instead she makes tea. Chu-chu turns over the sugar bowl, and Utena laughs. Anthy laughs too. A sword twists particularly sharply inside her gut, but her expression doesn’t change. It’s a familiar pain.
Anthy has another dream. Again, she’s very sure it’s a dream. In the morning, Utena asks her if she dreamed last night, and to her own surprise she says yes.
“What was it about?” Utena asks. She’s genuinely interested, and that surprises Anthy too, though perhaps it shouldn’t. She doesn’t know when they changed. When they slipped the confines of victor and Rose Bride to become… this. It frightens Anthy. The only thing that frightens her more is how much she wants it.
I dreamt I kissed you, she wants to say. I was cold and dead, but I kissed you, and you brought me back to life. We could leave here. He couldn’t stop us. He thinks I don’t know that, but I do. We could leave together and go anywhere.
I could tell you everything. I could show you what I really am, and I could trust you not to turn away. We could finally trust each other.
I could kiss you right now.
Her throat closes up. She smiles. “I’m afraid I don’t remember.”
One of the swords goes through her heart. She keeps smiling.
This entry was originally posted at http://veleda-k.dreamwidth.org/472964.html. Please consider commenting there.