Symbolic Material, the Unconscious, & Practicing Compassion
First I have to say..no really..I am in that bad of a mood.
and this post comes out spazzy in part because I had to write it at work while in the midst of a meeting.. but I needed to get it down on 'paper' while I was experiencing it. Sorry for the SPAZ.
My hormones are all out of whack. I am spotting, my emotions are kabluey, I feel alien in my own skin and very uncomfortable. Ick. I try to remember that this is part of the whole weight loss/rapid release of estrogen stored in fat cells thing. ICK. It's like PMS x10. Of course, another part of me is saying..maybe this is not hormones maybe this is more weird shit surfacing from my ocean unconscious yesod working at solstice. WTF? Why did I do that working again? It's messing with my life. Oh wait.. I'm trying to actually get K&C. HMPH. Anyway.. I keep pushing my conscious mind into the mass of non-verbal uconscious symbolic material otherwise known as my unconscious to try and see what is going on and but I can't seem to get anything out of it. It's just a mass of weird feelings and discomfort. I don't like children that can't talk.. so clearly this is not a positive experience either. I feel like taking up pulling my hair out.
I even honked at a driver that cut off me off twice in rapid succession this morning instead of offering universal kindness and compassion. AAieeee!!! How dare I let my emotions get away from themselves and find the nearest poor outlet?!!! Even if they were $#$%#%#$@ !
On that note.. I've been doing all this work to forgive, process, and find equanimity and peace with all my former peoples.
I have to do this with my current peoples too. It's so much easier to forgive someone that is five years in the past than to forgive someome that is a week ago or a month ago..where the pain is fresh. There are a number of people who have hurt me within the last six months. I have seemed to be able to foster forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, and clear boundaries for any relationship over six months. Mostly.. with some notable exceptions. The ones that are less than six months..well..those are still a struggle.
I will be walking around and something will remind me of that person/situation and a slew of emotional responses occurs. Anger, indignation, hurt, betrayal, confusion, etc. It's my goal to have no negative response toward anyone. To simply set appropriate boundaries & offer love and compassion from whatever distance is appropriate to keep myself from continued harm. Achieving this is sometimes really hard though.
I've come to recognize my emotional reactivity stems from - 1) polarizing the person (i.e. they are a jerk not in this context they exhibit jerklike behavior) , 2) feeling incapable of setting appropriate boundaries (ex: stuck in a community with them), or 3) struggles with expectations not meant by the person (ex: i love this person and want them to be something they are not).
So I've been trying to in these situations where I have negative emotional responses to people to walk through these three sources and adjust my mental processing in an effort to perceive the situation more clearly. It continues to be my belief that I can perceive clearly, I will have no ill will towards anyone in my local sphere. I will be able to see everyone's place on their own path, recognize and hold space for their struggles, offer them compassion and love, and hold clear boundaries so I do not get hurt while they struggled to manifest the shining forth of their own divinity. Right? This should be easy.
Well sometimes its not. Sometimes I am just angry. I don't find it difficult to handle cognitive distortion1 (polarizing) anymore. I can easily remap my perspective to be more clear and accurate regarding the nature of the individual. cognitive distortion 2 I'm mostly successful with with some struggles. I can often step back from a situation and remind myself of my options and expand my sense of empowerment and personal agency in a given situation. For example: i could always leave community a, avoid functions where person a is at, or just not talk to them, etc. The more options I have, the more empowered I feel and the more empowered I feel the less angry I become. It's this cognitive distortion C problem that I struggled.
Expectation.
When I really like someone there is part of me that really wants them to behave in accordance with my own values. I am sure people experience this with me and all my foibles and problems.but usually I agree with people when I fuck up. I'm like..damn.. man why cna't i just do X when Y happens? So here I am with a variety of people in my life that I want to behave differently so that a) they can 'shine forth' to their truest potential (admittedly as perceived by me) and b) I can enjoy their company without great personal harm to myself or c) they can stop hurting other loved ones of mine. It's in these situations where I struggle the deepest. Even when I consciously work at accurately perceiving and accepting where a person is on their own self-charted life path, even when I foster compassion and love and acceptance, even when I set appropriate boundaries.. even with all of that..sometimes these negative feelings just remain and fester and continue to harm both I and that person (or just I if i have cut off contact).
AAIIEEEE! This demon named expectation that is derived from inappropriate attachment that does not clearly perceive and love someone for who they are now but instead loves them for who you want them to be.. that demon.
Be down with yee!!!!!!!!!
Oh but LOVE.. sweet mysterious love that strikes like lightning.. mystery of mysteries that enters my soul like a dove from on high and bonds me to another in that primal deep place of self beyond self.. that LOVE.. that love needs to be detangled from the positive regard and respect that often go hand and hand with it and instead be offered purely for the perfect expression of the MYSTERY .. I feel if I coud do that all the time (and i manage it some of the time already) then I would never be angry at people who do not act with the integrity I wish for them.
And I get that people have different values and I get that people interpret the physical phenomena before them in different ways and sometimes do ot perceive their actions in the same way I do. I get all that.. really.. but ..
I'm all tangles and knots sometimes.. and today is one of those days..
and this post comes out spazzy in part because I had to write it at work while in the midst of a meeting.. but I needed to get it down on 'paper' while I was experiencing it. Sorry for the SPAZ.
My hormones are all out of whack. I am spotting, my emotions are kabluey, I feel alien in my own skin and very uncomfortable. Ick. I try to remember that this is part of the whole weight loss/rapid release of estrogen stored in fat cells thing. ICK. It's like PMS x10. Of course, another part of me is saying..maybe this is not hormones maybe this is more weird shit surfacing from my ocean unconscious yesod working at solstice. WTF? Why did I do that working again? It's messing with my life. Oh wait.. I'm trying to actually get K&C. HMPH. Anyway.. I keep pushing my conscious mind into the mass of non-verbal uconscious symbolic material otherwise known as my unconscious to try and see what is going on and but I can't seem to get anything out of it. It's just a mass of weird feelings and discomfort. I don't like children that can't talk.. so clearly this is not a positive experience either. I feel like taking up pulling my hair out.
I even honked at a driver that cut off me off twice in rapid succession this morning instead of offering universal kindness and compassion. AAieeee!!! How dare I let my emotions get away from themselves and find the nearest poor outlet?!!! Even if they were $#$%#%#$@ !
On that note.. I've been doing all this work to forgive, process, and find equanimity and peace with all my former peoples.
I have to do this with my current peoples too. It's so much easier to forgive someone that is five years in the past than to forgive someome that is a week ago or a month ago..where the pain is fresh. There are a number of people who have hurt me within the last six months. I have seemed to be able to foster forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, and clear boundaries for any relationship over six months. Mostly.. with some notable exceptions. The ones that are less than six months..well..those are still a struggle.
I will be walking around and something will remind me of that person/situation and a slew of emotional responses occurs. Anger, indignation, hurt, betrayal, confusion, etc. It's my goal to have no negative response toward anyone. To simply set appropriate boundaries & offer love and compassion from whatever distance is appropriate to keep myself from continued harm. Achieving this is sometimes really hard though.
I've come to recognize my emotional reactivity stems from - 1) polarizing the person (i.e. they are a jerk not in this context they exhibit jerklike behavior) , 2) feeling incapable of setting appropriate boundaries (ex: stuck in a community with them), or 3) struggles with expectations not meant by the person (ex: i love this person and want them to be something they are not).
So I've been trying to in these situations where I have negative emotional responses to people to walk through these three sources and adjust my mental processing in an effort to perceive the situation more clearly. It continues to be my belief that I can perceive clearly, I will have no ill will towards anyone in my local sphere. I will be able to see everyone's place on their own path, recognize and hold space for their struggles, offer them compassion and love, and hold clear boundaries so I do not get hurt while they struggled to manifest the shining forth of their own divinity. Right? This should be easy.
Well sometimes its not. Sometimes I am just angry. I don't find it difficult to handle cognitive distortion1 (polarizing) anymore. I can easily remap my perspective to be more clear and accurate regarding the nature of the individual. cognitive distortion 2 I'm mostly successful with with some struggles. I can often step back from a situation and remind myself of my options and expand my sense of empowerment and personal agency in a given situation. For example: i could always leave community a, avoid functions where person a is at, or just not talk to them, etc. The more options I have, the more empowered I feel and the more empowered I feel the less angry I become. It's this cognitive distortion C problem that I struggled.
Expectation.
When I really like someone there is part of me that really wants them to behave in accordance with my own values. I am sure people experience this with me and all my foibles and problems.but usually I agree with people when I fuck up. I'm like..damn.. man why cna't i just do X when Y happens? So here I am with a variety of people in my life that I want to behave differently so that a) they can 'shine forth' to their truest potential (admittedly as perceived by me) and b) I can enjoy their company without great personal harm to myself or c) they can stop hurting other loved ones of mine. It's in these situations where I struggle the deepest. Even when I consciously work at accurately perceiving and accepting where a person is on their own self-charted life path, even when I foster compassion and love and acceptance, even when I set appropriate boundaries.. even with all of that..sometimes these negative feelings just remain and fester and continue to harm both I and that person (or just I if i have cut off contact).
AAIIEEEE! This demon named expectation that is derived from inappropriate attachment that does not clearly perceive and love someone for who they are now but instead loves them for who you want them to be.. that demon.
Be down with yee!!!!!!!!!
Oh but LOVE.. sweet mysterious love that strikes like lightning.. mystery of mysteries that enters my soul like a dove from on high and bonds me to another in that primal deep place of self beyond self.. that LOVE.. that love needs to be detangled from the positive regard and respect that often go hand and hand with it and instead be offered purely for the perfect expression of the MYSTERY .. I feel if I coud do that all the time (and i manage it some of the time already) then I would never be angry at people who do not act with the integrity I wish for them.
And I get that people have different values and I get that people interpret the physical phenomena before them in different ways and sometimes do ot perceive their actions in the same way I do. I get all that.. really.. but ..
I'm all tangles and knots sometimes.. and today is one of those days..