Metal Gear Jawesome 2: we've managed to avoid drowning!
In preparation for Metal Gear Solid 4 coming out this June, freyis and I decided it would be wise to play through the first three games, and maitriaya has joined us for the ride. "We" (freyis is doing the actual playing, maitriaya is playing Metal Gear Portable Ops on the PSP and backseat driving, and I am watching while ostensibly getting work done on my laptop) so far have finished the first two games in a total of four evenings. While I liked MGS1, I think MGS2 is more deserving of its own review/rant/mockery.
WARNING: SPOILERS! Although the chances of me getting much of this right are slim. Anyway, read at your own risk, if for no other reason than the likelihood that you will lose several dozen braincells and/or be offended by reading this. Since I was only kinda-sorta-halfway paying attention, since I was also kinda-sorta-halfway working at the same time, I will give my most valiant effort to fully butcher the storyline rather than only kinda-sorta-halfway.
Without further ado, here is my summary of Metal Gear Solid Two: Sons of the Patriots, aka Cutscene: The Game.
I was wary of the title, since I have an intense aversion to all things patriotic, and I assumed with a name like "Sons of the Patriots" it was some sort of stodgy, macho military game. The thought of playing a game like Battlefield 1942 is about as appealing to me as a saltwater enema. However, I couldn't have been more wrong: MGS2 is neither an AmericanMilitaryIndustrialComplex(R) propaganda piece nor is it particularly macho. Quite the opposite, actually.
The beginning of the game is similar to MGS1, at least superficially. The fact that freyis stopped complaining about the controls leads me to suspect they were significantly improved. You play the first chunk of the game as Solid Snake, who, for those of you who don't know anything about the series, is most easily described by the following diagram:
So you finish your first mission, which is like... sneaking around a bunch or some shit, then OMG NOES Snake dies! (Which you know can't be true since he's in the trailer for MGS4.) Skip ahead two years to when the real entertainment of the game begins: you switch to playing as Raiden, a rookie... umm... secret agent? I'm not sure what his actual job description is, other than having silly hair, wearing a ridiculous outfit, being very good at cartwheels, and acting incredulous at everything people say to him.
So Raiden shows up in all his fabulous girlieman glory, which is all good and well aside from the fact he desperately needs a haircut. I won't pretend that I understood the plot, so I'll just proceed with the butchering. Now, bear in mind, 90% of this game takes place via brain-radio conversations. Don't ask me how that works; it's something about nanomachines and flux capacitors.
One of the first things you notice about this game is that all of Raiden's conversations roughly follow this format:
someone: X.
Raiden: X?!
someone: Y.
Raiden: Y?!
someone: Z.
Raiden: Z?!
Moving along~
*ring ring*
Colonel: Raiden, we need to you infiltrate this offshore oil thingamajigger.
Raiden: Offshore oil thingamajigger?!
Colonel: Yup. Thar be ecoterrorists. Also, your girlfriend is here.
Rose: Hi honey! Do you remember what day tomorrow is? Hint: it's April 30.
Raiden: Duhhhhhrrrrrrrr UUHHHHHHHHH... April 30? ...No.
Rose: Really? I'll give you another clue. It's reeeaaaally special~~~
Raiden: Errrr ummmm uhhhhh... no.
Rose: It has to do with us... *HINT HINT HINT*
Raiden: Sorry. No clue.
Rose: >_< Fine. We'll talk later.
(Raiden begins his mission. For us, this meant spending five minutes giggling as we made him fall on his ass by slipping on seagull poo and trying to cartwheel up stairs.)
*ring ring*
Colonel: Oops something bad happened, the oil thing is leaking and they have the President!
Raiden: The President?!
Colonel: Yardude. Go rescue his ass!
(enter Snake)
Snake: SUPLISE!
Raiden: Who are you?
Snake: Uhhh... I'm not Snake.
Raiden: Ok. ^_^ Whatever you say.
Snake: Go save the president, you sissy.
Raiden: The president?!
Snake: YES, THE PRESIDENT. Now HTFU while I comb my mullet.
(Raiden goes in search of the President, all the while his girlfriend won't stop nagging him on the phone)
*ring ring*
Rose: Hey Jaaaaaaaaack do you remember what April 30 is yet?
Raiden: UMMMMMMMMMMM... nopes.
Rose: There's something I need to tell you.
Raiden: What is it?
Rose: I don't want to talk right now.
Raiden: ?
Rose: I'll tell you later.
Raiden: ...
Rose: ...
Raiden: You're not pregnant, are you?
Rose: *click*
(Raiden sneaks around for a while, then a robot ninja comes out of fucking nowhere)
Ninja: Hey guess what, the colonel's lying to you. There aren't any ecoterrorists, just some X-Men rejects who want to throw a party in this giant robot.
Raiden: Giant robot?!
Ninja: Yardude... you'll never guess what it's called.
Raiden: ...?
(cue dramatic music)
Ninja: METAL GEAR.
Raiden: Metal Gear?!
Snake: Didn't see that one comin', did ya?
(more sneaking around until Raiden finally finds the President)
Raiden: Mr. President? Are you ok?
President: *grabs Raiden's crotch* You're a man?!
(I shit you not, this actually happens! Look:)
Raiden: o_O
President: OMG SHOOT ME NOW.
Ocelot: *bang*
Raiden: Noes! Now who's going to grope me? :'(
Rose: Me!
Snake: Not it.
Ocelot: Not it.
Ocelot's creepy arm: I will!
Raiden: >_< I hate you all.
Then the token mutant freak badguy team shows up: Fatman, Fortune, and Vamp. Fatman is (surprise) a fat man on fruit-boots who likes bombs a lot. Fortune is pretty much a shitty version of Storm, except greasier and without the cool lightning. Vamp is just creepy. And gross. Emphasis on the creepy and gross. The Fatman fight boils down to spraying coolant on bombs to disarm them (facepalm). That's still much better than the Fortune fight, which consists of little more than whiny dialogue and bad saxophone music. The Vamp fight involves a lot of bubbles and creepy ballet. I predict far more Vamp x Raiden yaoi-fodder in MGS4. Why is that, you ask? This is why.
I'm 65% convinced Rose is only in the game as an attempt to quell speculations about Raiden's sexuality. Since she's too annoying to count as a legitimate love interest, I was about to say "poor Raiden gets no love," but that isn't entirely true. Ignoring the part where he gets stripped naked & tied to a machine (since I don't want to know if he got molested by Solidus Snake), Raiden almost got some lovin' from Otacon's sister Emma. Apparently, Raiden has a thing for watersports.
(HOLYFUCKINGSHIT something bad happened and the building is filling up with seawater)
*ring ring*
Otacon: Raiden! You have to rescue my sister!
Raiden: There's a giant robot somewhere that's about to take over the internets and explode H-bombs in the atmosphere... but ok. Where is she?
Otacon: She's in that one level that's sinking underwater.
Raiden: Swell.
Otacon: Oh, I almost forgot to mention, she's afraid of water.
Raiden: Super. What does she look like?
Otacon: I'm not sure. I haven't seen her since I was young. But if she's anything like me, she'll be hiding in a locker and pissing herself.(see: MGS1)
Raiden: Excellent! I'm on my way.
(Raiden swims around until he finds Emma, who is hiding in a locker and pissing herself)
Raiden: Hiding in a locker and pissing yourself? You must be Otacon's sister. I'm here to rescue you.
Emma: I can't swim! Let me just hang onto your back while you swim out of here.
Raiden: You're covered in pee. Awesome! Giddyup, cutie!
(Raiden drags Emma back to safety)
Colonel: Raiden, what's your status?
Raiden: Colonel! I've got Emma Emerich here... we've managed to avoid drowning!
I love this part. It reminds me of the "I've succeeded in extricating my subject!" line from Resident Evil 4. It's times like this I seriously consider buying a capture card just so I can upload specific clips to YouTube. Thankfully, someone else already did that:
Now, when I said Raiden drags Emma back to "safety," what I really meant was that he makes her walk along a floating plank surrounded by snipers and flying automated gun turrets, where she proceeds to get stabbed in the stomach by Vamp. Good job, Raiden.
The fact that I was not paying much attention really did not help how obtusely convoluted the plot of this game is. The harder I think about it, the less I remember. But it goes something like this:
Raiden: Colonel! You lied to me! There aren't any ecoterrorists!
Colonel: Yes there are.
Raiden: No there aren't!
Colonel: Yes there are.
Raiden: No there aren't!
Colonel: No there aren't!
Raiden: YES THERE- ugh. Whatever.
Colonel: Heh.
*ring ring*
Snake: Hey Raiden, don't forget to ask him about Metal Gear.
Raiden: Oh yeah. Colonel, WTF is Metal Gear?
Colonel: If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.
*ring ring*
Rose: Jaaaaaaack do you remember what day April 30 is yet?~~~
Raiden: Jeezus, shut up, woman! No I don't. Now what the fuck is Metal Gear?
Colonel: No time! There's a nuclear bomb on the loose! You gotta disarm it!
Raiden: A nuclear bomb?!
Colonel: Yardude.
Snake: He's lying!
Raiden: About the bomb?
Snake: ...I don't know. blah blah blah METAL GEAR!
Raiden: Metal Gear?!
(Ocelot pops out of nowhere)
Ocelot: OMG guyz guess what, we're inside a giant robot!
Raiden: Buh?
Snake: Huh?
Ocelot: Lulz.Later.
(Solidus Snake - not to be confused with Solid Snake - pops out of nowhere)
Solidus Snake: RAWR! I'm Dr. Octopus! I used to be the President of the U.S.A.!
Raiden: The President?!
Solidus Snake: Uh, yeah, don't you recognize me? The President's pretty famous here, y'know.
Raiden: ...
Snake: Goddamn you're stupid.
Raiden: Shut up!
Rose: Jaaaaaaaack~~~~
Raiden: SHUT UP!
Then at some point the ninja reappears, reveals herself to be the Russian chick with hairy armpits (omg!plottwist), and knocks Raiden unconscious. When he comes to, he's strapped to some... machine, and he doesn't have any clothes on. Wackiness ensues: Raiden runs amok stark-naked while the Colonel goes completely batshit insane over the phone.
*ring ring*
Colonel: Raiden, I'm sorry I made you pay for lunch the other day. I'm really broke.
Raiden: Uh... sure. Whatever. *click*
*ring ring*
Colonel: BEEZ BLOOOOP BLEEEEEP TOMAGATCHI! KONISHIWA! ARIGATO, MR. ROBOTO!
Raiden: ... *click*
*ring ring*
Colonel: I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hara-kiri Rock. I need scissors! 61!
Raiden: ... Dude srsly, I'm busy trying to find my clothes. Quit prank calling me. *click*
You think I made that last one up? Oh no. Check it:
In hindsight, "I need scissors!" might be the most reasonable bit of dialogue from the entire game. BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO GIVE RAIDEN A GODDAMNED HAIRCUT. >_<
Ahem, sorry. Moving along, Raiden eventually gets his clothes back, but it doesn't help the situation much.
*ring ring*
Rose: Jack! I can't do this anymore!
Raiden: Uh, what?
Rose: You won't spend the night with me!
Raiden: ...
Rose: You won't even let me in your room!
Raiden: ...
Rose: And that one time when I broke into your room you almost hit me!
Snake: Take a hint, lady. You're not his type.
Raiden: Shut up!
Rose: And the worst part is... *sniffle*sob*sob*sob* When I saw your room... *sob sob* YOU DIDN'T HAVE A TV!!!! *wail*
Raiden: o_O So fucking what?
Rose: I'm having your baby.
Raiden: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Somewhere around this point, the game entirely gives up on pretending to make sense.
Colonel: GRRR ARRRGH I ARE ITCHY TASTY EVIL ROBOT
Rose: I ARE ROBOT TOO. BRRRZZZZZZPPPPP BLZZZ BZZZZZ
Raiden: Oh noes! Rose, does this mean you don't love me anymore? ;_;
Rose: I NEVAR LOVED YOU. I ARE ROBOT.
Raiden: So... you're not pregnant then?
Rose: >_< *click*
While all this nonsense with the Colonel and Rose is going on, Snake and Raiden are having an epic showdown with everyone and their mother, and every 5 minutes someone different reveals that "it was all part of my master plan" and "I fooled you all." Por ejemplo:
Ocelot: Hey guyz, remember when I told you that you're inside a giant robot? Well, you're not- you're on the roof! And it's a virtual reality machine! This whole thing was imaginary! Lulz.
Raiden: Like the Matrix?
Ocelot: NO! ...Idiot.
Raiden: That's not nice. :'(
Snake: I need a cigarette.
Raiden: Wait, how'd we get on the roof?
Snake: Fuck if I know.
Raiden: And how is there a VR room on the roof? The roof of what?
Ocelot: Metal Gear.
Raiden: Metal Gear?!
Snake: >_<
Ocelot: OMFG MY EVIL ARM IS POSSESSING ME!!! Nuuuuuuuuu
(Ocelot turns into Peter O'Toole)
Liquid Ocelot: Y helloooooo thar, BROTHA!
Snake: Holyfuckingshit, I thought I killed you.
Liquid Ocelot: Ha! ..Ha! ......Ha! ........Ha! ..................... Ha!
Raiden: Who is that guy?
Snake: That's... errrr... my evil twin.
Raiden: Evil twin?!
Snake: Well, more like my evil clone.
Raiden: Evil clone?!
Snake: Well actually, just some dude with my evil clone's arm.
Raiden: Your evil clone's arm?!
Snake: YES, THAT'S WHAT I SAID! >_<
Solidus Snake: Don't forget me! I'm your clone too!
Snake: Oh yeah, he's my evil clone too.
Raiden: What the...
Snake: Yeah, I don't understand either.
Raiden: So if that's Liquid Snake's arm, and that's Solidus Snake, and they're both your clones, then... *lightbulb* OMG YOU'RE SOLID SNAKE?!
Snake: o_O *facepalm*
Raiden: *gets stars in eyes* Wow Snake you're so awesome and famous and my hero!
Snake: You're not very smart, are you?
Raiden: No, but I'm prettier than you are.
Snake: Touché.
Now, the label on this bottle of muscle relaxers sitting next to me says "may cause drowsiness," not "may cause 'OMG I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT JUST HAPPENED,'" but ... well anyway I don't remember much of the end of the game. I was working on an article about "Common Travel Scams" while simultaneously researching whether or not toluene is hallucinogenic. In case you're curious, it isn't, but since it's a solvent people sometimes use it as an inhalant to get high (Maro, don't get any ideas). The name "TNT" comes from its chemical name trinitrotoluene, but that isn't the same as gunpowder, and I still can't imagine wanting to put either substance in anyone's food unless you're a sick bastard who gets his jollies from watching children eat gunpowder (like Solidus Snake, for example).
The absolute best part of the ending: when Raiden looks down at his dogtag and reads the name we entered at the very beginning of the game and completely forgot about. What resulted was this:
*30 seconds of silence as everyone stares at the screen in confusion*
maitriaya: O_o
freyis: o_O
veiravx: O_O;
themindchasm: ...Does that say "Fagtron?"
All I remember about the rest of the ending is that it dragged on for fucking forever. Much like the end of MGS1, they prattled on pedantically about genes and DNA and responsibility to future generations and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. That said, and all my pseudo-bitching aside, I actually enjoyed the game a lot. I wouldn't mind playing it again. Now that I own it, I might as well. However, I know myself too well. I'll just end up playing Resident Evil 4 again. And again. And again.
Since, y'know, unlike MGS2, RE4 has a completely reasonable plot, no annoying girls, and an ubermanly main character with a totally non-sissy haircut.
>_>
WARNING: SPOILERS! Although the chances of me getting much of this right are slim. Anyway, read at your own risk, if for no other reason than the likelihood that you will lose several dozen braincells and/or be offended by reading this. Since I was only kinda-sorta-halfway paying attention, since I was also kinda-sorta-halfway working at the same time, I will give my most valiant effort to fully butcher the storyline rather than only kinda-sorta-halfway.
Without further ado, here is my summary of Metal Gear Solid Two: Sons of the Patriots, aka Cutscene: The Game.
I was wary of the title, since I have an intense aversion to all things patriotic, and I assumed with a name like "Sons of the Patriots" it was some sort of stodgy, macho military game. The thought of playing a game like Battlefield 1942 is about as appealing to me as a saltwater enema. However, I couldn't have been more wrong: MGS2 is neither an AmericanMilitaryIndustrialComplex(R) propaganda piece nor is it particularly macho. Quite the opposite, actually.
The beginning of the game is similar to MGS1, at least superficially. The fact that freyis stopped complaining about the controls leads me to suspect they were significantly improved. You play the first chunk of the game as Solid Snake, who, for those of you who don't know anything about the series, is most easily described by the following diagram:
So you finish your first mission, which is like... sneaking around a bunch or some shit, then OMG NOES Snake dies! (Which you know can't be true since he's in the trailer for MGS4.) Skip ahead two years to when the real entertainment of the game begins: you switch to playing as Raiden, a rookie... umm... secret agent? I'm not sure what his actual job description is, other than having silly hair, wearing a ridiculous outfit, being very good at cartwheels, and acting incredulous at everything people say to him.
So Raiden shows up in all his fabulous girlieman glory, which is all good and well aside from the fact he desperately needs a haircut. I won't pretend that I understood the plot, so I'll just proceed with the butchering. Now, bear in mind, 90% of this game takes place via brain-radio conversations. Don't ask me how that works; it's something about nanomachines and flux capacitors.
One of the first things you notice about this game is that all of Raiden's conversations roughly follow this format:
someone: X.
Raiden: X?!
someone: Y.
Raiden: Y?!
someone: Z.
Raiden: Z?!
Moving along~
*ring ring*
Colonel: Raiden, we need to you infiltrate this offshore oil thingamajigger.
Raiden: Offshore oil thingamajigger?!
Colonel: Yup. Thar be ecoterrorists. Also, your girlfriend is here.
Rose: Hi honey! Do you remember what day tomorrow is? Hint: it's April 30.
Raiden: Duhhhhhrrrrrrrr UUHHHHHHHHH... April 30? ...No.
Rose: Really? I'll give you another clue. It's reeeaaaally special~~~
Raiden: Errrr ummmm uhhhhh... no.
Rose: It has to do with us... *HINT HINT HINT*
Raiden: Sorry. No clue.
Rose: >_< Fine. We'll talk later.
(Raiden begins his mission. For us, this meant spending five minutes giggling as we made him fall on his ass by slipping on seagull poo and trying to cartwheel up stairs.)
*ring ring*
Colonel: Oops something bad happened, the oil thing is leaking and they have the President!
Raiden: The President?!
Colonel: Yardude. Go rescue his ass!
(enter Snake)
Snake: SUPLISE!
Raiden: Who are you?
Snake: Uhhh... I'm not Snake.
Raiden: Ok. ^_^ Whatever you say.
Snake: Go save the president, you sissy.
Raiden: The president?!
Snake: YES, THE PRESIDENT. Now HTFU while I comb my mullet.
(Raiden goes in search of the President, all the while his girlfriend won't stop nagging him on the phone)
*ring ring*
Rose: Hey Jaaaaaaaaack do you remember what April 30 is yet?
Raiden: UMMMMMMMMMMM... nopes.
Rose: There's something I need to tell you.
Raiden: What is it?
Rose: I don't want to talk right now.
Raiden: ?
Rose: I'll tell you later.
Raiden: ...
Rose: ...
Raiden: You're not pregnant, are you?
Rose: *click*
(Raiden sneaks around for a while, then a robot ninja comes out of fucking nowhere)
Ninja: Hey guess what, the colonel's lying to you. There aren't any ecoterrorists, just some X-Men rejects who want to throw a party in this giant robot.
Raiden: Giant robot?!
Ninja: Yardude... you'll never guess what it's called.
Raiden: ...?
(cue dramatic music)
Ninja: METAL GEAR.
Raiden: Metal Gear?!
Snake: Didn't see that one comin', did ya?
(more sneaking around until Raiden finally finds the President)
Raiden: Mr. President? Are you ok?
President: *grabs Raiden's crotch* You're a man?!
(I shit you not, this actually happens! Look:)
Click to viewRaiden: o_O
President: OMG SHOOT ME NOW.
Ocelot: *bang*
Raiden: Noes! Now who's going to grope me? :'(
Rose: Me!
Snake: Not it.
Ocelot: Not it.
Ocelot's creepy arm: I will!
Raiden: >_< I hate you all.
Then the token mutant freak badguy team shows up: Fatman, Fortune, and Vamp. Fatman is (surprise) a fat man on fruit-boots who likes bombs a lot. Fortune is pretty much a shitty version of Storm, except greasier and without the cool lightning. Vamp is just creepy. And gross. Emphasis on the creepy and gross. The Fatman fight boils down to spraying coolant on bombs to disarm them (facepalm). That's still much better than the Fortune fight, which consists of little more than whiny dialogue and bad saxophone music. The Vamp fight involves a lot of bubbles and creepy ballet. I predict far more Vamp x Raiden yaoi-fodder in MGS4. Why is that, you ask? This is why.
I'm 65% convinced Rose is only in the game as an attempt to quell speculations about Raiden's sexuality. Since she's too annoying to count as a legitimate love interest, I was about to say "poor Raiden gets no love," but that isn't entirely true. Ignoring the part where he gets stripped naked & tied to a machine (since I don't want to know if he got molested by Solidus Snake), Raiden almost got some lovin' from Otacon's sister Emma. Apparently, Raiden has a thing for watersports.
(HOLYFUCKINGSHIT something bad happened and the building is filling up with seawater)
*ring ring*
Otacon: Raiden! You have to rescue my sister!
Raiden: There's a giant robot somewhere that's about to take over the internets and explode H-bombs in the atmosphere... but ok. Where is she?
Otacon: She's in that one level that's sinking underwater.
Raiden: Swell.
Otacon: Oh, I almost forgot to mention, she's afraid of water.
Raiden: Super. What does she look like?
Otacon: I'm not sure. I haven't seen her since I was young. But if she's anything like me, she'll be hiding in a locker and pissing herself.(see: MGS1)
Raiden: Excellent! I'm on my way.
(Raiden swims around until he finds Emma, who is hiding in a locker and pissing herself)
Raiden: Hiding in a locker and pissing yourself? You must be Otacon's sister. I'm here to rescue you.
Emma: I can't swim! Let me just hang onto your back while you swim out of here.
Raiden: You're covered in pee. Awesome! Giddyup, cutie!
(Raiden drags Emma back to safety)
Colonel: Raiden, what's your status?
Raiden: Colonel! I've got Emma Emerich here... we've managed to avoid drowning!
I love this part. It reminds me of the "I've succeeded in extricating my subject!" line from Resident Evil 4. It's times like this I seriously consider buying a capture card just so I can upload specific clips to YouTube. Thankfully, someone else already did that:
Now, when I said Raiden drags Emma back to "safety," what I really meant was that he makes her walk along a floating plank surrounded by snipers and flying automated gun turrets, where she proceeds to get stabbed in the stomach by Vamp. Good job, Raiden.
The fact that I was not paying much attention really did not help how obtusely convoluted the plot of this game is. The harder I think about it, the less I remember. But it goes something like this:
Raiden: Colonel! You lied to me! There aren't any ecoterrorists!
Colonel: Yes there are.
Raiden: No there aren't!
Colonel: Yes there are.
Raiden: No there aren't!
Colonel: No there aren't!
Raiden: YES THERE- ugh. Whatever.
Colonel: Heh.
*ring ring*
Snake: Hey Raiden, don't forget to ask him about Metal Gear.
Raiden: Oh yeah. Colonel, WTF is Metal Gear?
Colonel: If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.
*ring ring*
Rose: Jaaaaaaack do you remember what day April 30 is yet?~~~
Raiden: Jeezus, shut up, woman! No I don't. Now what the fuck is Metal Gear?
Colonel: No time! There's a nuclear bomb on the loose! You gotta disarm it!
Raiden: A nuclear bomb?!
Colonel: Yardude.
Snake: He's lying!
Raiden: About the bomb?
Snake: ...I don't know. blah blah blah METAL GEAR!
Raiden: Metal Gear?!
(Ocelot pops out of nowhere)
Ocelot: OMG guyz guess what, we're inside a giant robot!
Raiden: Buh?
Snake: Huh?
Ocelot: Lulz.Later.
(Solidus Snake - not to be confused with Solid Snake - pops out of nowhere)
Solidus Snake: RAWR! I'm Dr. Octopus! I used to be the President of the U.S.A.!
Raiden: The President?!
Solidus Snake: Uh, yeah, don't you recognize me? The President's pretty famous here, y'know.
Raiden: ...
Snake: Goddamn you're stupid.
Raiden: Shut up!
Rose: Jaaaaaaaack~~~~
Raiden: SHUT UP!
Then at some point the ninja reappears, reveals herself to be the Russian chick with hairy armpits (omg!plottwist), and knocks Raiden unconscious. When he comes to, he's strapped to some... machine, and he doesn't have any clothes on. Wackiness ensues: Raiden runs amok stark-naked while the Colonel goes completely batshit insane over the phone.
*ring ring*
Colonel: Raiden, I'm sorry I made you pay for lunch the other day. I'm really broke.
Raiden: Uh... sure. Whatever. *click*
*ring ring*
Colonel: BEEZ BLOOOOP BLEEEEEP TOMAGATCHI! KONISHIWA! ARIGATO, MR. ROBOTO!
Raiden: ... *click*
*ring ring*
Colonel: I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hara-kiri Rock. I need scissors! 61!
Raiden: ... Dude srsly, I'm busy trying to find my clothes. Quit prank calling me. *click*
You think I made that last one up? Oh no. Check it:
In hindsight, "I need scissors!" might be the most reasonable bit of dialogue from the entire game. BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO GIVE RAIDEN A GODDAMNED HAIRCUT. >_<
Ahem, sorry. Moving along, Raiden eventually gets his clothes back, but it doesn't help the situation much.
*ring ring*
Rose: Jack! I can't do this anymore!
Raiden: Uh, what?
Rose: You won't spend the night with me!
Raiden: ...
Rose: You won't even let me in your room!
Raiden: ...
Rose: And that one time when I broke into your room you almost hit me!
Snake: Take a hint, lady. You're not his type.
Raiden: Shut up!
Rose: And the worst part is... *sniffle*sob*sob*sob* When I saw your room... *sob sob* YOU DIDN'T HAVE A TV!!!! *wail*
Raiden: o_O So fucking what?
Rose: I'm having your baby.
Raiden: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Somewhere around this point, the game entirely gives up on pretending to make sense.
Colonel: GRRR ARRRGH I ARE ITCHY TASTY EVIL ROBOT
Rose: I ARE ROBOT TOO. BRRRZZZZZZPPPPP BLZZZ BZZZZZ
Raiden: Oh noes! Rose, does this mean you don't love me anymore? ;_;
Rose: I NEVAR LOVED YOU. I ARE ROBOT.
Raiden: So... you're not pregnant then?
Rose: >_< *click*
While all this nonsense with the Colonel and Rose is going on, Snake and Raiden are having an epic showdown with everyone and their mother, and every 5 minutes someone different reveals that "it was all part of my master plan" and "I fooled you all." Por ejemplo:
Ocelot: Hey guyz, remember when I told you that you're inside a giant robot? Well, you're not- you're on the roof! And it's a virtual reality machine! This whole thing was imaginary! Lulz.
Raiden: Like the Matrix?
Ocelot: NO! ...Idiot.
Raiden: That's not nice. :'(
Snake: I need a cigarette.
Raiden: Wait, how'd we get on the roof?
Snake: Fuck if I know.
Raiden: And how is there a VR room on the roof? The roof of what?
Ocelot: Metal Gear.
Raiden: Metal Gear?!
Snake: >_<
Ocelot: OMFG MY EVIL ARM IS POSSESSING ME!!! Nuuuuuuuuu
(Ocelot turns into Peter O'Toole)
Liquid Ocelot: Y helloooooo thar, BROTHA!
Snake: Holyfuckingshit, I thought I killed you.
Liquid Ocelot: Ha! ..Ha! ......Ha! ........Ha! ..................... Ha!
Raiden: Who is that guy?
Snake: That's... errrr... my evil twin.
Raiden: Evil twin?!
Snake: Well, more like my evil clone.
Raiden: Evil clone?!
Snake: Well actually, just some dude with my evil clone's arm.
Raiden: Your evil clone's arm?!
Snake: YES, THAT'S WHAT I SAID! >_<
Solidus Snake: Don't forget me! I'm your clone too!
Snake: Oh yeah, he's my evil clone too.
Raiden: What the...
Snake: Yeah, I don't understand either.
Raiden: So if that's Liquid Snake's arm, and that's Solidus Snake, and they're both your clones, then... *lightbulb* OMG YOU'RE SOLID SNAKE?!
Snake: o_O *facepalm*
Raiden: *gets stars in eyes* Wow Snake you're so awesome and famous and my hero!
Snake: You're not very smart, are you?
Raiden: No, but I'm prettier than you are.
Snake: Touché.
Now, the label on this bottle of muscle relaxers sitting next to me says "may cause drowsiness," not "may cause 'OMG I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT JUST HAPPENED,'" but ... well anyway I don't remember much of the end of the game. I was working on an article about "Common Travel Scams" while simultaneously researching whether or not toluene is hallucinogenic. In case you're curious, it isn't, but since it's a solvent people sometimes use it as an inhalant to get high (Maro, don't get any ideas). The name "TNT" comes from its chemical name trinitrotoluene, but that isn't the same as gunpowder, and I still can't imagine wanting to put either substance in anyone's food unless you're a sick bastard who gets his jollies from watching children eat gunpowder (like Solidus Snake, for example).
The absolute best part of the ending: when Raiden looks down at his dogtag and reads the name we entered at the very beginning of the game and completely forgot about. What resulted was this:
*30 seconds of silence as everyone stares at the screen in confusion*
maitriaya: O_o
freyis: o_O
veiravx: O_O;
themindchasm: ...Does that say "Fagtron?"
All I remember about the rest of the ending is that it dragged on for fucking forever. Much like the end of MGS1, they prattled on pedantically about genes and DNA and responsibility to future generations and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. That said, and all my pseudo-bitching aside, I actually enjoyed the game a lot. I wouldn't mind playing it again. Now that I own it, I might as well. However, I know myself too well. I'll just end up playing Resident Evil 4 again. And again. And again.
Since, y'know, unlike MGS2, RE4 has a completely reasonable plot, no annoying girls, and an ubermanly main character with a totally non-sissy haircut.
>_>