Letting My Dreams Go [1/1]
Author: Veiled_Shadow
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Keira/Orlando
Summary: Orlando’s torn apart from his break up with Kate, and Keira’s there to comfort him.
Letting my Dreams Go
The loud beat of the music booms around the dark, misty club full of smoke and writhing bodies as they dance wildly to the music. I sit at our occupied table, fingers curling around my pint of beer continuously in an agitated manner. Laughter and shrill voices fill my ears warmly yet that sinking feeling still remains at the pit of my stomach. A man suddenly snaps up my attention, an absolutely gorgeous body with a head full of unruly, dark ravishing curls and a set of the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. He’s dancing close with a thin, tall blonde whose long hair sways to and fro as she moves. She’s captivated by him, looks as if she has wondered into a dream world where all her fantasies lie. He knows it. Yet he doesn’t stop and I know he doesn’t intend to.
‘I’m worried about him.’
The words are out before I can stop them. The laughter that had been constantly swirling around our seating area stops and all faces turn to me, then the direction of my gaze, which remains transfixed to a certain body grinding into the pretty blonde. Johnny who sits beside me rubs my arm reassuringly before slinging it over my shoulder, pulling me into a hug.
‘Don’t worry about him love, he’ll talk to us when he needs to.’
‘Yeah,’ Elijah chips in. ‘Orli’s done this before when he’s split up with girlfriends in the past. It’s his way of trying to forget them.’
‘It’s true,’ Dom confirms when I look at him. ‘Come and dance with me, eh Keira?’
Shrugging dubiously ready to decline I don’t expect Dom to actually haul me up, but he does and I groan unwillingly before letting him pull me onto the dance floor. Noticing the still disagreeing look upon my expression Dom grins before tickling the bare skin around my waist and I squeal, trying to squirm away from his touch but he keeps his arms locked around my body until I stop.
‘Now dance you mischievous little minx.’ He whispers into my ear in a demanding tone, using the nickname everybody has began calling me once Orlando started. ‘And stop worrying about him-’ He nods towards Orlando who is little but a couple of metres away. ‘-Ok?’
Agreeing I start to move with the beat, laughing along with Dom as he cracks jokes. I completely lose myself in the loud thump of the beat, hands above my head, hips swaying and then I feel a pair of hands on my bare skin, pulling me closer. I jump, ready to turn round and tell the person to get the hell off of me until that husky voice speaks into my ear.
‘Hello love.’
‘Orlando.’ I breathe, not turning to face him but feeling his smile from where his lips are pressing against my neck.
‘Having fun minx?’
Spinning round to face him I shrug carelessly, not caring that he slips a leg between mine and starts dancing dangerously close. Sexily.
‘Where’s your blonde?’
I see his frown, the flash of pain flashing across his brow and then nothing.
‘Bathroom,’ he says shortly.
Trying to make me stop the conversation, as he knows all to well where it may go, he buries his head in the crook of my neck, pressing me against his body into a shattering hug. I can feel his heart pattering against my chest and it scares me that he’s so vulnerable and refuses to admit it. Worries me that he won’t just let it all out but instead pretends everything is fine…covers up his emotions with too much clubbing and sleeping with random girls he finds that are willing enough. I know he still can’t face the fact of waking up every morning with nobody beside him, with no woman beside him to kiss and cuddle. He needs to feel special, as if he is the most interesting thing on earth. His spark has gone, that essence of delight has disappeared and his life has been thrown into a jammed jolt.
‘Why do you keep doing this?’ I whisper, twisting his curls round my fingers, still moving with his body. ‘Why do you keep wasting your time with all these girls that you won’t even remember in the morning, Orlando?’
I immediately feel him tense as he pulls away, head beginning to hang in shame. ‘Don’t Keira.’ I stop, staring into those sad eyes that swim with unshed tears. ‘Keira just please don’t ok?’
He tears away, eyes still begging me not to probe further. He starts to turn but I grab him, force him to stop with all my strength until he does what I want him to do.
‘Orlando, when are you going to realise you need to talk about this?’ I say my voice trying to be soft but rising by the second, my face close to his, eyes searching helpless ones because we both know deep down that I’m right. ‘You can’t keep taking home stupid blondes that you don’t even give a fuck about just because you broke up with your girlfriend and can’t even attempt to come to terms with it. You’re acting like a child!’
I don’t realise I’m shouting until it’s too late and I know there is no way of going back. His hands have sprung upwards to grab my bare arms, I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me but he is, and I try not to wince in pain. Orlando’s angry. Very angry. So furious that his eyes have turned dangerously black and he’s glaring…scowling. I have him so worked up I actually consider the possibility of him hitting me, his hands still cling onto my arms and fingers dig into flesh. And then it’s like he suddenly snaps back to reality and realises that I’m terrified and he’s shaking. Trembling he lets go in absolute horror. He wants to speak…to tell me he’s sorry but I’m already trying not to cry. And that’s when I run.
‘Keira!’ He screams at me, voice hoarse from trying to get me to stop running away as I speed off. I don’t know where I’m going; I just want to get away from him and the forever swarming problems.
I just manage to make it into the ladies bathroom in time and slam the door in his face, sliding down the door bursting into a fit of sobs. I can hear him on the other side, the heavy breathing but he doesn’t say a word. And then it’s silent. Quiet. Dom comes to find me after 15 minutes has passed, bursting into the toilets without any hesitation or consideration that he is crashing into a bunch of ladies who are hunched over a mirror applying layers of make up. They squeal in disgust and hurry out but he isn’t bothered. He’s breathless, blue eyes frantically darting around the room before spotting me and dashing over to where I sit huddled in the corner.
‘Keira sweetheart, are you ok? Orlando came storming up to me dead angry and told me what happened before saying he was going home with the blonde.’
This just made me burst into a fresh fit of tears and Dom just held me close as I cried on his shoulder. It took me a while to calm down but when I did we remained in silence for a bit until he broke it.
‘Why does it matter to you?’ He suddenly whispers, studying my forlorn orbs. I shrug stubbornly before turning my head away.
‘Keira?’ He asks again softly. ‘Come on, tell me.’
‘Because I don’t like him being unhappy Dom!’ I wail with a stamp of the foot. ‘He’s like a lost puppy traipsing around like he has nowhere to go! I can’t stand it, he used to let me in and now he’s acting as if I’m not even there!’
‘No,’ Dom protests, ‘the real reason.’
I know my eyes are swimming with tears and I’m ferociously trying to force them back.
‘Because I care about him too much.’ I sniff, before hiding back into the crook of Dom’s neck as he calms me soothingly.
‘Minx,’ He says, lifting my head up gently. ‘You have got to just leave him, ok? Let him come to you. The more you bother him the more wild he’s going to get.’ Instantly my mouth opens to protest but he stops me by carrying on. ‘Believe me Keira ok? I know, I’ve been there trying to get him out of a similar mess he’s in now. He just got angrier and angrier the more I told him to grow up. It seems childish to you, but he will carry on doing it until he realises he needs you. And then he will come to you Keira. Not anyone else, we all know that he wants your help the most, he’s just to scared to ask, too afraid to let it all out. He’ll come to you because he can confide in you. Me, Elijah, Billy and Vigs all came to help him but then we discovered you were the only one he will let in, everybody knows it. It’s the way he communicates with you, I’ve known him for around five years now and never have I had that connection with him. Nobody has. So just trust me, ok?’
Getting up I grab some tissue whilst nodding in reply, beginning to dab away my tears with the cloth.
‘Good.’ Dom says giving me a hug and a firm kiss on the forehead before pulling me out into the hallway. ‘So…how’s the model boyfriend?’
I stare as he winks at me; a huge grin plastered to his face but soon falls when he sees my eyes beginning to fill up with water again. I manage a small shrug before shaking his hand loose and walking into the overwhelming club to our seat. I see Dom frown, putting up his hands in defence saying he won’t press the subject further. Johnny and Viggo raise eyebrows at us as we sit down and although I don’t look up, I notice out of the corner of my eye Johnny shooting Dom a questioning look, which Dom does not reply. I force myself to drink the beer Dom dumps in front of me, attempting to enjoy the rest of the night but no matter how hard I try I just can’t. In the end I resolve to stare down at the liquid, watching the murky froth swirl to the beat of the music. The hobbits come bouncing back after half an hour, settling down as they count the phone numbers they’ve collected. After that Elijah jumps onto the table and starts to sing the national anthem and god forbid if I hadn’t been so consumed in my own thoughts I would have wet myself laughing. But I couldn’t escape from the constant nagging questions embedding themselves within my brain. As Billy scrambles onto the table to join Elijah I quickly slip away wanting to go home, seeping through the shadows before welcoming myself to the night air.
I go to bed early, sinking beneath the covers trying to hide away from that sadness that hangs in every single nook and cranny. I am too tired of being lonely, fed up with having to strangle myself in my own problems that I haven’t even bothered to say aloud. I sleep soundly for once, no particular dream colliding into my memory and that is exactly why the soft knocking on my apartment door sends my springing senses jolting me upwards in a start.
Immediately fear runs over me but after a while I slowly pad towards the front door. Gingerly I open it a crack, ready to tell the person to very nicely fuck off and slam the door in their face. But what I find surprises me and makes me forget about worries and open the door wider. Orlando stands against the doorframe; head hanging low and I only know it’s him because of the familiar build and mass of curls. When he lifts his head, all I can see is the shimmer of tears sliding slowly down his already red and stained cheeks, leaving my heart feeling as if it’s literally being ripped out my chest. Before he would only look at me with his big, puppy dog eyes that made me want to melt within an instance. But now…now I see that hidden sadness, the seeping tint of tears trying to cling onto anything they can to try and become invisible and not crawl down his cheeks. He’s stock still, body almost rigid as if trying to fight back the emotion and bring himself together. I want to comfort him…want to hold him so close that I can feel his heart beating against my chest. I want to make the pain go away, I’m begging, wishing for him to just give in, to let me hold him as he cries.
Slowly I step towards him, bringing up a hand to gently catch the tears, never breaking eye contact. Those tears are still rimming his eyelids constantly and they then slip down his skin in a river of troubles. A sob catches in his throat and he wrestles with it, trying so hard to force it down. Yet it keeps happening, the sharp whimpers continue to try and release themselves and I can tell he is trying so hard…fighting so astonishingly fierce to keep them away. Then he can’t take it anymore, gasping out a sobbing cry he collapses into my arms, his whole body shaking uncontrollably. My lungs stop working and I find myself holding my breath in fear of him running away from me, so I just hug him as tight as I can, refusing to let him go although he never tries to escape. We stay like that for ages, coiled up in one another until I can no longer hold him up and we both slide down the wall until we are on the floor, bodies still entwined. My hands stroke his hair, voice whispering soft words to him…loving words, anything I can do to make the pain on his heart just a little less worse. Lips leave constant kisses on his forehead, knowing he longs for this, wants to feel rare and fragile because he’s already lost too much love in his life to last a lifetime.
I have to take him into the bedroom in the end, sitting him down on my bed as I wonder into the bathroom to get a flannel to wipe his face free of salty liquid. When I return I soothe his skin with the refreshing dampness attempting to relieve his burning forehead. His breath is softening, evening out, and once I’m done he just envelops me into the most beautiful hug I’ve ever had. It’s then that I realise he is just like a little boy, a child that needs someone to look after him…to cherish him. Otherwise he’s helpless, lost in the world just like I am.
I disappear for a moment to return the flannel and when I wander back into my bedroom I find him curled up in my bed, eyes closed peacefully. He looks so beautiful lying there I don’t dare move him. All I do is tuck him up, pulling the covers over his worn out body as he lies there with a relaxed expression hanging among his features. I turn to go, picking up a pillow on my way out in order to retire on the couch but it turns out I never leave. A hand catches my own and my gaze finds him holding up the blanket beckoning me to join him. I do, crawling onto the mattress and flicking off the light with my back to him. Then there is a scuffling noise as he inches closer, nose burying itself in my neck, body cupping me from behind. Slowly I manoeuvre round arms sliding over his body so he can snuggle closer. I can still feel fresh tears against my bare skin and what is strange is that I find this perfect…perfectly normal and not in the least strange. So I just close my eyes, fingers constantly playing with his soft locks waiting until he falls asleep before letting the world go.
I wake up only realising I have company when I find out its impossible to stretch because of the person embracing up to my body. It’s then that I remember and gently prise away from his grasp, planting a soft kiss on his forehead before padding into the kitchen. I stay there for a while, making some toast and a cup of tea thinking that he will be sleeping for a couple more hours. At around twelve o clock the house phone starts to ring and I literally dive for it hoping the noise won’t have woken the broken-hearted man sleeping in my bed.
‘Hello?’ I whisper.
‘Keira!’ Dom yells down the phone so loudly I practically dive for cover thinking an explosion has gone off. ‘I can’t find Orlando! I mean I called his house loads of times and he didn’t answer…but you know Orli, he would sleep through a war commencing through the middle of his f*cking room so I decided to get over there-’
‘-Dom.’ I begin, attempting to stop him as he pauses for an extremely, short gasping breath.
‘No, Keira you don’t understand, he wasn’t there! I mean Orli’s done some sh*t in his time but he never leaves his dog, he loves the bloody mutt and Sidi was all alone whining at the front door…-‘
‘-Dom…’
‘So anyway,’ he continues to say, speaking so fast I can barely hear string the words together. ‘I don’t know where the hell he is, I’ve searched the beach, Elijah’s as well as Billy’s, who both told me to bugger off when I woke them up, Viggo, who went to check all the pubs and Johnny but nobody else has seen him! I don’t know what to do, trust Orli to go and do something f*cking stupid the useless wanker, I mean he’s a bloody…-‘
‘Dom!!’ I literally scream down the phone my voice shattering the silence, and then I fling a hand to my mouth realising Orlando is most likely definitely awake now thanks to my stupidity. I take a long, deep breath. ‘Orlando’s here,’ I finish quietly.
‘WHAT?!’ Again I throw the phone away from my ear until I think the eruption has ceased and then gingerly bring it back. ‘He’s with you? The bloody bastard! I’m going to f*cking kill him for having me worry this much! I mean…god! Is he ok, what happened?’
I bite my lip, contemplating whether to tell Dom the events of last night, but I know really that Dom has a pretty good idea.
‘Look,’ I say. ‘Dom, could you just bring the Sidi over and I’ll look after him for now?’
‘But-’
‘-Dom, please hun.’
A pause accompanied with an expiring sigh. ‘Ok sweetheart, give me a minute then.’
Within seconds he’s at the door, and I haul it open before he has the chance to either hammer on the doorway or continuously ring the doorbell in his usual fashion.
‘Hey,’ I greet warmly, kissing him on the cheek in before taking in his blonde, ruffled hair and bright, blue eyes. His hand clutches a red lead with Sidi on the end; tail wagging wildly as he launches himself at me.
‘Hello to you too, Sidi.’ I laugh, bending down to shower him with attention as I take the lead from Dom.
‘How is he?’ Dom asks sheepishly as I straighten up.
I shrug. ‘He’s still sleeping.’
Dom nods. ‘He’ll be ok minx, you just wait and see.’
I smile. ‘I will trust you oh so great philosopher.’
He grins at me, slipping a cheeky wink before bidding his goodbye.
‘Well Sidi,’ I say closing the door behind me, peering down at the wiggling lump of black. ‘Looks like it’s just you and me.’ I pat his head only to receive a wet nose pushed into the hand and a wet lick of the tongue. ‘Ugh gross!’ I laugh, wiping my hands on my jeans and ruffling his fur. ‘Come on, lets go get food.’ At the word food Sidi literally began to bound in circles, tail spinning round so fast I can barely see it whip from side to side. Oh yeah, this dog definitely knows the English language.
So it ends up with me and the dog curling up on the sofa, intently watching a chick flick that has us both in fits of sobs by the finish. (Well ok…the dog wasn’t crying so the teary bit would have really been me but still, it was a really sad movie!) Sniffling, I push Sidi off my lap, taking empty packets into the kitchen; because between us we had managed to finish a couple of packets of crisps. While I’m shoving them in the bin Sidi obviously realises that his master is in the house as his nose scoots down on the floor and he starts to determinedly set off down the hall.
‘Sidi!’ I call accompanying it with a whistle. ‘Here boy!’
He merely gives me a quick glance and a wag of the tail before setting off into the bedroom. I groan, watching from the doorframe as he jumps up onto the bed, approaching his owner happily yet curiously. Carefully he snuffles at Orlando’s curls from where the man is lying on his stomach, head resting on an arm. I watch Orlando stir as he begins to slowly wake up and Sidi’s obvious excitement as he continues to nudge his master. Eventually Orlando’s eyelids flutter open sleepily taking in his dog and only giving him a quick ruffle of the fur before turning onto his back, not in the mood to play. Sidi merely stares at him, head cocked in confusion at Orlando’s manner sensing immediately that something is not right. I watch in amazement as the dog turns himself into a caring, delicate friend, gently laying beside his owner, licking his ears in a sign of affection before resting his head on Orlando’s chest with mournful eyes. I sigh softly, but without intending to catch Orlando’s attention I do and he lifts his head to look at me, sending me a weak smile before lying down again.
‘Hey,’ I say quietly, lying down next to him on the bed. ‘Your dogs been keeping me company.’
Again Orlando’s lips turn slightly. ‘How did he get here?’
‘Dom.’ I answer simply.
I see the flash of panic suddenly streak across his face and his eyes widen. ‘He doesn’t-‘
I shake my head. ‘I didn’t say anything.’
He lets out a sigh of relief, hands rubbing over his face in an agitated manner.
‘I’m a wreck Keira.’ He says softly, ‘I’m a f*cking wreck and I can’t even look after myself anymore.’ His hands began to constantly play with Sidi’s ears, eyes staring at one particular spot because I know he can’t bear to look at me in fear of crying again. His voice turns suddenly incredibly quiet. ‘She was supposed to love me, Keira.’
‘Oh Orlando,’ I breathe wanting to give him a hug but resolve to putting my hand on his arm. ‘She did love you-’
‘-At first,’ he interrupts. ‘They always fall in love with me in the beginning and then it goes away.’ He turns to look at me with forlorn eyes that betray him by welling up with tears. ‘Why doesn’t anyone want to be with me forever?'
When he says it I have to look away, feeling the emotion knocking down my brick wall of defence. I can’t help but wonder if that’s why Jamie broke up with me, because he couldn’t stand the thought of being with me forever. Did I bore him so much that he fell out of love with me as quickly as he fell in?
‘One day,’ I start softly, not bothering to swallow back my own tears, ‘you’ll know someone who loves you for eternity Orlando, I promise.’
I don’t bother telling him the only reason I promised was because the person who will forever love him is me. In my mind he is my beautiful Orlando. That’s why it matters that he is going through so much pain. That’s why I refused to let my break up with Jamie get to me because I was too busy worrying about Orlando. Beautiful Orlando.
I don’t realise he has been studying the tears running silently down my face until he is inching closer.
‘Why are you crying?’ He says gently, blinking away his own tears as he kisses away mine. ‘Don’t cry beautiful minx.’
I shrug, refusing to tell him and he stares at me, searching my eyes sadly wishing me to let him in like he’s allowed me. But I can’t although my heart is screaming for me to. My dream is a fantasy; something that will never occur in my lifetime and it is time for me to understand that. To grow up and take other chances rather then cling on to hope.
‘I love you,’ He whispers sincerely, pressing me close to his body in the most loving hug I have ever received. ‘You’re the best friend that I’ve never had.’
Sadly I give a small, watery smile, wrapping my hold around him tighter as I feel his gentle lips caress the skin of my neck.
‘I love you too, Orlando.
In despair I squeeze my eyes shut, knowing that we are just best friends. I feel the tears coming but I push them back. I cannot let him see me cry. I must pretend. So when he pulls away I will open my eyes and smile…smile because he is my friend. Nothing more. His best friend. That’s all I’ll ever be to him.
We depart from the hug, his warm body tearing from mine as if it is vanishing for eternity. I’m still in a pit of darkness, wishing I don’t have to open my eyes to the horrible truth. But I do, letting my eyelids flitter open to see his beaming smile that radiates his beauty more then he will ever know or believe.
He’s waiting. Expecting. Willing me to smile back. So I do, covering my sadness with a smile, one that only makes his lips become even broader. He’s happy, something I haven’t seen in a very long time and if he is, I must be too. I will always smile for him. For Orlando. Only Orlando.
And I must let my dreams go.