Dear Diary,
I had an odd dream of Lucius. In the dream, he was on trial and I was called as a witness in front of the Wizengamot, but through some quirk of the law I did not know, Lucius himself turned to questioning me. He grilled me on the definition of the word seduction, forcing me to argue it technically like a point of legality, and catching me out for any logical misstep in my words. It culminated with him accusing me of having been seduced, at the most basic level, because of my own weakness, the vulnerability of allowing my lovers to fuck me, as if a cock up my arse were the equivalent of a dagger putting a hole in my armour. He explained to all assembled that I can not be trusted, because the all-burning need to have that hole filled once it is opened will drive me to do anything, even betray my own flesh and blood.
I argued that if I am vulnerable to seduction or to all-burning need it is because he made me that way, starving me for affection and making me like a kneazle that has been starved as a kitten that will ever after over-eat if given the chance. But of course following what he had said, no one believed me, and the next thing I knew I was being dragged from the room by the bailiffs. I woke abruptly, jerking on the ropes, but thankfully Severus neither offered to untie me nor pried at what had disturbed me. Perhaps when--if?--he reads this, we can talk about it.
The dream is not a hard one to interpret, is it? I am anxious in a general way about people finding out about my no-longer secret relationships, worried what people may think, and I am anxious that Lucius may yet find a way to influence those on whom I depend. Maybe sex is more important to me than it ought to be, but I am hardly unique for a wizard of my age in that if so, and I do not believe there is such a thing as "too important" anyway.
{spelled private}
I have not shown Severus what is in my bag yet.
{end spell}
I argued that if I am vulnerable to seduction or to all-burning need it is because he made me that way, starving me for affection and making me like a kneazle that has been starved as a kitten that will ever after over-eat if given the chance. But of course following what he had said, no one believed me, and the next thing I knew I was being dragged from the room by the bailiffs. I woke abruptly, jerking on the ropes, but thankfully Severus neither offered to untie me nor pried at what had disturbed me. Perhaps when--if?--he reads this, we can talk about it.
The dream is not a hard one to interpret, is it? I am anxious in a general way about people finding out about my no-longer secret relationships, worried what people may think, and I am anxious that Lucius may yet find a way to influence those on whom I depend. Maybe sex is more important to me than it ought to be, but I am hardly unique for a wizard of my age in that if so, and I do not believe there is such a thing as "too important" anyway.
{spelled private}
I have not shown Severus what is in my bag yet.
{end spell}