Dear Diary,
{spelled utterly private}
What was it Severus called me, a contrary beast? It was true then and is true now. I have been an utter pill to everyone this morning. And over what? Nothing new, really...? The need for secrecy? The jeopardy to my lover from my own father? The lack of freedom entailed? None of that is new.
But Severus and Fred took Josephine off for a day trip today. To the seashore.
I don't even want to go to the blasted bloody seashore anymore. How's that? Except it's a lie.
I think I hid from Severus how stung I was when he told me. Of course, wonderful idea, Fred has hardly seen his own daughter since Lucius' little visit to Hogsmeade. And Severus has seen her not at all. A little daytime jaunt to a perfectly innocuous place where the land happens to meet the bloody water.
I have no right to be so angry. At Lucius? Yes. At Severus, or at Fred? No. But it's been touch and go here, today. I had best not work at anything flammable.
I had thought myself... better than this. Is it petulance that makes me want to scream about it? It quite simply should not fucking hurt this much. Why does it? Why?
Is it that it was for Fred's sake we aborted our own trip to the seaside? Is it that the place they went is the place Severus fell in love with him? Is it that the two of them can go out when Severus and I cannot?
All of those things occur to me now, but none of them did initially, when he told me. Then it just... stung. Like a wound forgotten until some salt gets in it.
But I am better than this. The anger is mine to deal with, and to remember at whom it should be aimed. Which is not Fred, or Severus, or my customers, or my employer. Not that he is here, anyway. When he comes down to close up I will be the perfect picture of politeness. Which will no doubt tip him off that something is wrong, but who cares? It's not as if he and I are always warm or even cordial to each other.
But Severus... things have been so good of late. Ever since the wedding. That surge of panic I am beating back is surely just a flashback to when things were difficult, and not a premonition that they are about to get difficult again.
Please no, God, not now when we are about to spring a trap for Lucius. I need heart and mind clear for this.
I need heart and mind clear by the time he gets home.
What was it Severus called me, a contrary beast? It was true then and is true now. I have been an utter pill to everyone this morning. And over what? Nothing new, really...? The need for secrecy? The jeopardy to my lover from my own father? The lack of freedom entailed? None of that is new.
But Severus and Fred took Josephine off for a day trip today. To the seashore.
I don't even want to go to the blasted bloody seashore anymore. How's that? Except it's a lie.
I think I hid from Severus how stung I was when he told me. Of course, wonderful idea, Fred has hardly seen his own daughter since Lucius' little visit to Hogsmeade. And Severus has seen her not at all. A little daytime jaunt to a perfectly innocuous place where the land happens to meet the bloody water.
I have no right to be so angry. At Lucius? Yes. At Severus, or at Fred? No. But it's been touch and go here, today. I had best not work at anything flammable.
I had thought myself... better than this. Is it petulance that makes me want to scream about it? It quite simply should not fucking hurt this much. Why does it? Why?
Is it that it was for Fred's sake we aborted our own trip to the seaside? Is it that the place they went is the place Severus fell in love with him? Is it that the two of them can go out when Severus and I cannot?
All of those things occur to me now, but none of them did initially, when he told me. Then it just... stung. Like a wound forgotten until some salt gets in it.
But I am better than this. The anger is mine to deal with, and to remember at whom it should be aimed. Which is not Fred, or Severus, or my customers, or my employer. Not that he is here, anyway. When he comes down to close up I will be the perfect picture of politeness. Which will no doubt tip him off that something is wrong, but who cares? It's not as if he and I are always warm or even cordial to each other.
But Severus... things have been so good of late. Ever since the wedding. That surge of panic I am beating back is surely just a flashback to when things were difficult, and not a premonition that they are about to get difficult again.
Please no, God, not now when we are about to spring a trap for Lucius. I need heart and mind clear for this.
I need heart and mind clear by the time he gets home.