The Light At The End Of The Tunnel
There are always big gaps between one update to the next in my journal, but recently, I noticed that most of the people on my Friends List have also been lagging on their updates; lots of my friends' journals that I check regularly for updates have not been updated in weeks or even months, but I know how suddenly life just dumps a whole load of problems on you all at the same time; you become so overwhelmed with everything that needs to get done, that the stress keeps you from just spending a few minuets each day, updating your journal with a few words to just let people who are concerned about you know that you're still there and keeping your head above the water. At least, that's how things are for me right now.
I am fast approaching the end of my final quarter here at University of California, Santa Cruz, but the closer the day of graduation approaches, the more clearly I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. For those of you who don't know, my graduation ceremony, the Class of 2005 Commencement Ceremony will take place on Saturday, June 11th, at 1:30pm at UCSC's Lower West Field. If you'd like to go through the complete and utter boredom of sitting in the hot sun for 2+ hours, waiting all that time just for the 10 seconds of witness me receiving my Bachelor of the Arts in Sociology scroll, than by all means drop me a line or give me a phone call so I can reserve a seat for you.
So for the most part, school and graduation plans have been keeping me very busy. Frequent doctor appointments, commuting back and forth from school to family, going downtown with friends and housemates, making sure I receive grade changes for a few classes (TA's make mistakes! A lot!), and waiting for my IGETC Certification to come in the mail has also been keeping me on my toes. Most recently, I've been attending workshops in my University to prepare me for the "cruel real world". I've visited my career center to talk with counselors on finding a job that will be profitable, productive and enjoyable for me to do upon graduation. I have a list of workshops that I plan to attend, which will greatly help me to polish my resume and cover letters for prospective employers, and tailor them according to my accomplishments in my particular major. Other workshops I plan to attend are job research workshops, job interview preparation workshops, and a special workshop on April 20 called "Great Jobs for Sociology Majors".
Going through all of these preparations is making me both very excited and somewhat frightened. There's nothing I want more right now then to start working at a nice job, where I am paid a decent amount, where I am respected for what I know and do, and where I can start achieving my most deeply desired dream.
I am sick and tired of living upon my parents' charity, being forced to suppress my need for freedom in order to submit to their rigid, unyielding demands or face the ever present threat that they can take away things that define who I am right now, things that are so important to me. The private room, the tuition for my studies, the food that I put in my mouth every day, everything comes out of their charity. Looking around my room, I can see that almost everything in it I had to beg for at one point or another.
Some people envy me, because they think I have no worries, that all of my bills are taken care of for me. They think I have it made because I do not have to worry about making ends meet, paying for food, gas, insurances, rent and school. Maybe they're right, I don't, but that doesn't mean that I have no worries. Ironically enough, it's those people who work to make ends meet who are the ones that have the greatest treasure in the world, one that cannot be purchased - they have their freedom. I envy people like Chris, Scott, Sarah, Josh, and Nick, I envy them so much, because the little that they have is theirs. No one can take what is theirs away from them; no one can threaten them that they should submit to their will or they will have their privileges taken away from them.
The money that they make allows them to live by their own rules. They pay for whatever they want, when they want, how they want to, and they answer to no one. They can choose if to be frugal or to be extravagant; they may have a nearly broken down car, but that car is theirs alone; They may have a crappy cellphone plan for an outdated old cellphone, but the cellphone is theirs; They may have to work hard to make enough to pay for school, insurances, gas, food and rent, but at the end of the month when all the bills are paid, they can do something that I can't...
They can stand up and say "I made it through another month by MYSELF. I'M the one who made the money to pay for my rent, my food, MY EXISTENCE. Everything that I own belongs to ME, because I'M the one who worked for it. I am SELF SUFFICIENT."
Ah, therein lies the key word: "Self sufficiency". That is what my dream is in life, to be self sufficient. I don't have to be rich, though that is a nice plus. All I want in life is to be able to stand firmly on my own two feet. I don't want anyone else to support me, I want to know that I can go out into that cold, harsh world out there, and make it on my own. No longer do I wish to be a job-less, money-less bum begging my parents for $10 so I can go see a movie or have a dinner out once a week. No longer do I wish to silently fume to myself when people in my life walk around with fancy cellphones, high tech digital cameras, Ipods, laptops, and cars that they have at their disposal whenever they wish. I don't want to explain why I can't buy Christmas presents for 10 people with my $10 limit. I don't want to explain why my allowance ran out earlier than expected.... where's my FREEDOM?!
I know for a fact that when I had my job at SRI International, I felt that I was accomplishing something important, that I was being useful, even with the lousy $7 an hour pay. I remember that I had purpose and happiness, and drew pride from the work that I did. THIS is what I need right now, not another stupid "A" on my record that will amount to nothing anyway.
I know life on my own will not be as easy and wonderful as I make it out to be here. I know that once I am on my own the rush of exhilaration will fade, and I will simply fall into the crank and grind of daily work that the rest of the world stoically falls into, each on their own. But still, I believe I will become a better person for it all, wiser, stronger and more mature. I will be on my own and take life for all it's worth. I will make an effort, make a change, make a new life for myself.
The days ahead are going to be rough, but once I graduate, I will be standing on the precipice of a new era. Once there, I will possibly make the most important choice of my life.
I'll keep everyone updated. I hope everyone who reads this does the same.
I am fast approaching the end of my final quarter here at University of California, Santa Cruz, but the closer the day of graduation approaches, the more clearly I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. For those of you who don't know, my graduation ceremony, the Class of 2005 Commencement Ceremony will take place on Saturday, June 11th, at 1:30pm at UCSC's Lower West Field. If you'd like to go through the complete and utter boredom of sitting in the hot sun for 2+ hours, waiting all that time just for the 10 seconds of witness me receiving my Bachelor of the Arts in Sociology scroll, than by all means drop me a line or give me a phone call so I can reserve a seat for you.
So for the most part, school and graduation plans have been keeping me very busy. Frequent doctor appointments, commuting back and forth from school to family, going downtown with friends and housemates, making sure I receive grade changes for a few classes (TA's make mistakes! A lot!), and waiting for my IGETC Certification to come in the mail has also been keeping me on my toes. Most recently, I've been attending workshops in my University to prepare me for the "cruel real world". I've visited my career center to talk with counselors on finding a job that will be profitable, productive and enjoyable for me to do upon graduation. I have a list of workshops that I plan to attend, which will greatly help me to polish my resume and cover letters for prospective employers, and tailor them according to my accomplishments in my particular major. Other workshops I plan to attend are job research workshops, job interview preparation workshops, and a special workshop on April 20 called "Great Jobs for Sociology Majors".
Going through all of these preparations is making me both very excited and somewhat frightened. There's nothing I want more right now then to start working at a nice job, where I am paid a decent amount, where I am respected for what I know and do, and where I can start achieving my most deeply desired dream.
I am sick and tired of living upon my parents' charity, being forced to suppress my need for freedom in order to submit to their rigid, unyielding demands or face the ever present threat that they can take away things that define who I am right now, things that are so important to me. The private room, the tuition for my studies, the food that I put in my mouth every day, everything comes out of their charity. Looking around my room, I can see that almost everything in it I had to beg for at one point or another.
Some people envy me, because they think I have no worries, that all of my bills are taken care of for me. They think I have it made because I do not have to worry about making ends meet, paying for food, gas, insurances, rent and school. Maybe they're right, I don't, but that doesn't mean that I have no worries. Ironically enough, it's those people who work to make ends meet who are the ones that have the greatest treasure in the world, one that cannot be purchased - they have their freedom. I envy people like Chris, Scott, Sarah, Josh, and Nick, I envy them so much, because the little that they have is theirs. No one can take what is theirs away from them; no one can threaten them that they should submit to their will or they will have their privileges taken away from them.
The money that they make allows them to live by their own rules. They pay for whatever they want, when they want, how they want to, and they answer to no one. They can choose if to be frugal or to be extravagant; they may have a nearly broken down car, but that car is theirs alone; They may have a crappy cellphone plan for an outdated old cellphone, but the cellphone is theirs; They may have to work hard to make enough to pay for school, insurances, gas, food and rent, but at the end of the month when all the bills are paid, they can do something that I can't...
They can stand up and say "I made it through another month by MYSELF. I'M the one who made the money to pay for my rent, my food, MY EXISTENCE. Everything that I own belongs to ME, because I'M the one who worked for it. I am SELF SUFFICIENT."
Ah, therein lies the key word: "Self sufficiency". That is what my dream is in life, to be self sufficient. I don't have to be rich, though that is a nice plus. All I want in life is to be able to stand firmly on my own two feet. I don't want anyone else to support me, I want to know that I can go out into that cold, harsh world out there, and make it on my own. No longer do I wish to be a job-less, money-less bum begging my parents for $10 so I can go see a movie or have a dinner out once a week. No longer do I wish to silently fume to myself when people in my life walk around with fancy cellphones, high tech digital cameras, Ipods, laptops, and cars that they have at their disposal whenever they wish. I don't want to explain why I can't buy Christmas presents for 10 people with my $10 limit. I don't want to explain why my allowance ran out earlier than expected.... where's my FREEDOM?!
I know for a fact that when I had my job at SRI International, I felt that I was accomplishing something important, that I was being useful, even with the lousy $7 an hour pay. I remember that I had purpose and happiness, and drew pride from the work that I did. THIS is what I need right now, not another stupid "A" on my record that will amount to nothing anyway.
I know life on my own will not be as easy and wonderful as I make it out to be here. I know that once I am on my own the rush of exhilaration will fade, and I will simply fall into the crank and grind of daily work that the rest of the world stoically falls into, each on their own. But still, I believe I will become a better person for it all, wiser, stronger and more mature. I will be on my own and take life for all it's worth. I will make an effort, make a change, make a new life for myself.
The days ahead are going to be rough, but once I graduate, I will be standing on the precipice of a new era. Once there, I will possibly make the most important choice of my life.
I'll keep everyone updated. I hope everyone who reads this does the same.