(no subject)
Haha I restored a draft and it was easily 20 paragraphs about Snowpiercer and how I feel about people who complain about the ending. I'm the worst! New entry.
We're moving into our new house in less than two weeks. I keep having nightmares about things that aren't really even nightmarish - just that we get married and I wake up with a quickened pulse and blind from fear. I guess I do fear lifelong committment, and getting married, but it's probably ~symbolic of not being ready for things and who cares.
Aside from that Don and I are actually doing very well! We've been bickering about closing costs and movers and who will transfer insurance or whatever, but other than that we are maybe even better than ever. We've been hanging out a lot and feel very close, laughing about dumb things. I've been cooking a lot and playing with different recipes and there've been a lot of stressful things going on vis a vis Don's insulin and then lack thereof, but it's all working out fine. It's almost fun to play with macros to the degree where I can find xyz recipe for under 10 dollars that has no carbs or sugar. Jenny and I have also been making a lot of things with protein powder - donuts, pancakes, oatmeal, smoothies. crushing it.
Other than that I feel almost guilty that I feel much less stressed than Don. I mostly just lay around and work out and read books. Don comes in all tense from a phone call and I'm like naaaaah. Just chillax. We'll watch bad TV and I'll give you a massage. I had a bad psychiatric bout that's kind of hard to talk about. I've learned that I never want to really own up to the ugliest side of things, and I also don't want to worry anyone so I downplay everything. Like, I was having auditory hallucinations, and would just act like it was a funny quirk that was NBD. In reality it was mad stressful and I did a lot of crying and worrying and reading poetry that made me convinced it was time to self-immolate, how could I miss all these signs. And then I read a lot of books that made me believe love wasn't real? Books are dangerous and ought to be burned.
IDK I wanted to make an entry about where I am and want to be but I feel gross and self conscious or if there is too much to account for. I hate my "voice". Have I always sounded like this?
We're moving into our new house in less than two weeks. I keep having nightmares about things that aren't really even nightmarish - just that we get married and I wake up with a quickened pulse and blind from fear. I guess I do fear lifelong committment, and getting married, but it's probably ~symbolic of not being ready for things and who cares.
Aside from that Don and I are actually doing very well! We've been bickering about closing costs and movers and who will transfer insurance or whatever, but other than that we are maybe even better than ever. We've been hanging out a lot and feel very close, laughing about dumb things. I've been cooking a lot and playing with different recipes and there've been a lot of stressful things going on vis a vis Don's insulin and then lack thereof, but it's all working out fine. It's almost fun to play with macros to the degree where I can find xyz recipe for under 10 dollars that has no carbs or sugar. Jenny and I have also been making a lot of things with protein powder - donuts, pancakes, oatmeal, smoothies. crushing it.
Other than that I feel almost guilty that I feel much less stressed than Don. I mostly just lay around and work out and read books. Don comes in all tense from a phone call and I'm like naaaaah. Just chillax. We'll watch bad TV and I'll give you a massage. I had a bad psychiatric bout that's kind of hard to talk about. I've learned that I never want to really own up to the ugliest side of things, and I also don't want to worry anyone so I downplay everything. Like, I was having auditory hallucinations, and would just act like it was a funny quirk that was NBD. In reality it was mad stressful and I did a lot of crying and worrying and reading poetry that made me convinced it was time to self-immolate, how could I miss all these signs. And then I read a lot of books that made me believe love wasn't real? Books are dangerous and ought to be burned.
IDK I wanted to make an entry about where I am and want to be but I feel gross and self conscious or if there is too much to account for. I hate my "voice". Have I always sounded like this?