(no subject)
I miss Ky.
I also got drunk and agreed to go to Disneyland (or world or whatEVER) in September with my sister and her dudes. It's during the Food and Wine festival, which is probably why drunk me thought it would be fun, but I guess I am kind of looking forward to it? It doesn't feel very anarchist or class warrior tho! Am I a hypocrite? Look into this, future self. Disney is obviously a heinous brand that I am against, just like I am against all things and am a buzzkill at all times, and also I'm a person who never gained the kind of maturity that makes you stop caring about being cool, and Disney is not very cool. Disney is a place that people I hate go to. They dress up like Alice in Wonderland, and, just are people that I can't stand. I guess I can enjoy my at-all-times-unwarranted false sense of superiority (never 5get) and drink heavily. Jenny and I already made it clear we're not gonna go to the Animal Kingdom, get fucked with that Disney, so I guess that's something. Also I just got vivid flashbacks to when I went to Disneyland Paris in February and it was a nightmare. The part that I did unironically enjoy was trying to explain in my weaksauce French what cotton candy was to all my friends who didn't speak English. Then they just spent the day buying me different candy and being all "Is this it?" The parts I did not enjoy - not very fun rides, it was February, people in fursuits, sobriety.
So that was not a very necessary detour in this entry, which I had meant to write about my new outlook on life (el oh el) and how I would be eschewing my more natural state of negativity and heck of judgmental vibes, but here we are. It's important to be honest about my starting point.
Original plan of entry tbh was going to be talking about missing Ky > talking about the importance of bravery > wallowing vs. exploring and going from there! Now it's basically evidence that I am a Krabby Patty forever and ever. That's how life is, sometimes.
It was #Artscape this weekend, and honest-to-glob I spent hours beforehand wandering around all sad-eyed because of how nothing is fun and I am incapable of having new experiences because of my tendencies to over-analyze and cetera. I picked up various cats and showed them to themselves in the mirror and said "Everything is an illusion there is no such thing as happiness." But then I went to Artscape and it was actually very fun? Matty and I walked around and looked at all the impromptu art galleries in the parking garages, and painted bricks for the new urban art park, and got into it with some anti-choicers who tried to take my picture, and won pizza party twister?! I also feel like something about the day - maybe because we spent so much time looking at different art and different people trying very hard to sincere convey something with absolute honesty - made me and Matty very open with one another in a way that was really inspiring to me. Sometimes I forget what it's like to really connect with someone and really be present to experiences. This is because I am a negative person who worries a lot about objectivity and also is the worst.
I think I harbor incorrect notions that my depression is linked to my creativity or my...uniqueness? That to stave off depression would reduce my ability to think in new ways or some such nonsense, who the fuck knows. When I see clearly, I'm like, whoa that's really wrong. But when I'm depressed I'm like "wow I have such access to the inner recesses of my mind, I am the true knower". That's very non-conducive to getting better! I think it also means I'm an insane narcissist?
After Artscape I came across some rando who'd gotten a flat on his bike and needed a ride back to Patterson Park, so we put his bike on my rack and I drove him home. Something about driving at night through the city in the summer is so intimate, I feel like time is actually different and being alive just feels very raw. The streets are all mostly empty and the rowhouses feel like people that grew up around you. I was still kind of buzzing with that feeling when I got to the bar for Alex's birthday party. I saw her and my instinct was to hug her and tell her something, something TBD about summer and birthdays and who knows what, but I contained myself and we had regular conversation. I only stayed for a few hours before coming home, and walking back to my car on Eastern Ave again gave me that feeling. Something about Baltimore gets into your skin, into your bones. Probably everyone feels that way about a city that is Theirs, that the city is like a person and you feel like it holds the lives of the millions of people who walked those streets before. Sometimes it's overwhelming, because an overwhelming majority of Baltimore's history has been bad. But sometimes what you feel is the city's resilience. Yeah this place got burned to the ground, more than once, but so what. Yeah we were all almost crushed by an economic depression, a million times over, but now we're on an upswing. I think Artscape is celebratory of that - all the self-taught artists who turned their pain and PTSD and poverty into something. There is a bad section of Artscape with like, corporate sponsors and an inflatable Geico Gecko and it's all very weird, pretty sure that's not art although to be fair I am not an expert, but for the most part there's still this celebration of our city, of helping everyone and celebrating art and all the different ways you can make art.
This is STILL not where I wanted this entry to go, maybe I will write more later.
I also got drunk and agreed to go to Disneyland (or world or whatEVER) in September with my sister and her dudes. It's during the Food and Wine festival, which is probably why drunk me thought it would be fun, but I guess I am kind of looking forward to it? It doesn't feel very anarchist or class warrior tho! Am I a hypocrite? Look into this, future self. Disney is obviously a heinous brand that I am against, just like I am against all things and am a buzzkill at all times, and also I'm a person who never gained the kind of maturity that makes you stop caring about being cool, and Disney is not very cool. Disney is a place that people I hate go to. They dress up like Alice in Wonderland, and, just are people that I can't stand. I guess I can enjoy my at-all-times-unwarranted false sense of superiority (never 5get) and drink heavily. Jenny and I already made it clear we're not gonna go to the Animal Kingdom, get fucked with that Disney, so I guess that's something. Also I just got vivid flashbacks to when I went to Disneyland Paris in February and it was a nightmare. The part that I did unironically enjoy was trying to explain in my weaksauce French what cotton candy was to all my friends who didn't speak English. Then they just spent the day buying me different candy and being all "Is this it?" The parts I did not enjoy - not very fun rides, it was February, people in fursuits, sobriety.
So that was not a very necessary detour in this entry, which I had meant to write about my new outlook on life (el oh el) and how I would be eschewing my more natural state of negativity and heck of judgmental vibes, but here we are. It's important to be honest about my starting point.
Original plan of entry tbh was going to be talking about missing Ky > talking about the importance of bravery > wallowing vs. exploring and going from there! Now it's basically evidence that I am a Krabby Patty forever and ever. That's how life is, sometimes.
It was #Artscape this weekend, and honest-to-glob I spent hours beforehand wandering around all sad-eyed because of how nothing is fun and I am incapable of having new experiences because of my tendencies to over-analyze and cetera. I picked up various cats and showed them to themselves in the mirror and said "Everything is an illusion there is no such thing as happiness." But then I went to Artscape and it was actually very fun? Matty and I walked around and looked at all the impromptu art galleries in the parking garages, and painted bricks for the new urban art park, and got into it with some anti-choicers who tried to take my picture, and won pizza party twister?! I also feel like something about the day - maybe because we spent so much time looking at different art and different people trying very hard to sincere convey something with absolute honesty - made me and Matty very open with one another in a way that was really inspiring to me. Sometimes I forget what it's like to really connect with someone and really be present to experiences. This is because I am a negative person who worries a lot about objectivity and also is the worst.
I think I harbor incorrect notions that my depression is linked to my creativity or my...uniqueness? That to stave off depression would reduce my ability to think in new ways or some such nonsense, who the fuck knows. When I see clearly, I'm like, whoa that's really wrong. But when I'm depressed I'm like "wow I have such access to the inner recesses of my mind, I am the true knower". That's very non-conducive to getting better! I think it also means I'm an insane narcissist?
After Artscape I came across some rando who'd gotten a flat on his bike and needed a ride back to Patterson Park, so we put his bike on my rack and I drove him home. Something about driving at night through the city in the summer is so intimate, I feel like time is actually different and being alive just feels very raw. The streets are all mostly empty and the rowhouses feel like people that grew up around you. I was still kind of buzzing with that feeling when I got to the bar for Alex's birthday party. I saw her and my instinct was to hug her and tell her something, something TBD about summer and birthdays and who knows what, but I contained myself and we had regular conversation. I only stayed for a few hours before coming home, and walking back to my car on Eastern Ave again gave me that feeling. Something about Baltimore gets into your skin, into your bones. Probably everyone feels that way about a city that is Theirs, that the city is like a person and you feel like it holds the lives of the millions of people who walked those streets before. Sometimes it's overwhelming, because an overwhelming majority of Baltimore's history has been bad. But sometimes what you feel is the city's resilience. Yeah this place got burned to the ground, more than once, but so what. Yeah we were all almost crushed by an economic depression, a million times over, but now we're on an upswing. I think Artscape is celebratory of that - all the self-taught artists who turned their pain and PTSD and poverty into something. There is a bad section of Artscape with like, corporate sponsors and an inflatable Geico Gecko and it's all very weird, pretty sure that's not art although to be fair I am not an expert, but for the most part there's still this celebration of our city, of helping everyone and celebrating art and all the different ways you can make art.
This is STILL not where I wanted this entry to go, maybe I will write more later.