Dating sucks serious ass
Sean's one friend in the unit got blown up in Iraq. Send your prayers to him over memorial day.
Still spending all day indoors reading, writing, and researching. Wrote up to page 77 of my novel. Writing six pages a day will give me a thousand pages in a few more months, not that I want that many. 95% of the writing so far sucks ass, but there have been a few bits that are tolerable.
My dad wants me to investigate online dating. I find it ironic because he and my mom are scared to let me take the bus on my own in broad day light but go out with some total stranger I met on the internet??? Of course that's perfectly safe (rolls eyes expressively).
Looks like they've decided it's time for me to be properly married off. I thought I'd only have to deal with this crap in Utah. I'm 23 and can't possibly think of a reason why I'd want to get married to anyone in Washington, or even bother with a relationship that would probably last two months at most since I'm planning to go to New York next fall whether or not I have a job lined up. Apparently they're also under the distinct impression that boys have been pounding down my door and the only reason I'm not married yet is because I'm too picky. Well, boys in college pounded at something, but it wasn't my door. (Well, technically it was, given the harassment I suffered at the hands of creeps two years ago--you'd think that would have taught me to be a little more cautious in my choices. Nope.) This talk bothers me because it's really not any of their business whether I'm holding hands in the dark with whatever psychopath's willing to touch this bodily rubbish. As I said, I'm in no rush. It's a lot easier to be happy with yourself and your right hand when you're not surrounded by people going kissy-kissy while you're all alone.
I had a nightmare that my dad found out I was gay and strangled me in my sleep. Wish so much that I could just be open. Then they'd leave me alone about my dating. I probably could tell them the truth because they'd just see it as another effect of the rape and expect me to turn back to normal eventually. But I'm too scared too. I keep hearing my mother's words echoing in my head "never could love a daughter who's a lesbian...never could love a daughter who's a lesbian." No, can't come out until I'm financially independent so that if they cut me off, I won't be forced into doing anything. I had another nightmare that the U.S. military forced Bekah to hang herself. Have I ever told you how lovely my subconscious is?
Honestly, I don't even know what dating is like, at least not in the sense of romance. I've only been in one serious relationship (though I did turn down one of the marrying-types in high school because he was a nose-breather) and that one relationship a "hey, we both have hormones" thing and I was on the rebound from Jesse's traditional "yes I'm going to start dating you--uh, that was yesterday" vibes. I've never really been in love, and I despise it thoroughly because it opens you up to waaaay too much vulnerability. Give me a one-night-stand over someone who wants to talk about "feelings" any day of the month. This last statement is probably why I don't have serious relationships. That and college guys are fuckers, not lovers. Most of them. I've met a few sweet ones, but they're very rare.
Ironically, in the midst of all this bitterness, I did meet a nice boy though at a church activity (desperate to meet someone not my parents, I did, indeed go). He's about to head off to college in Arizona. Harley-Davidson is paying his full tuition, room & board, and giving him a book stipend to go to one of the top 2 motorcycle repair schools in the country. He also plays guitar/base in a band and reads Robert Jordan books. He carried me piggyback through the forest when I tripped. However, I've promised myself I will never date a Mormon because I don't want to hide who I am. Hard enough streaming my profanities, much less constraining my natural responses.
Boy: "See that cute redhead? That was my prom date."
Me: (first impulse) "Yeah, I'd fuck her."
Me: (actual comment) "Yeah, I...uh, I think she looks nice."
Anyway, I've all ready forgotten his name. I think my life would be a lot different if I could remember people's names. Doesn't matter. I'm not going out with anybody while living with my parents, and that is that. Especially not Mormon 18 year olds who seem oddly wise and are planning on leaving for their missions soon. Especially not when a little part of me is whispering about just using him for "practice."
My parents took the last of my money out of my personal account so now I have to go and ask for money from my parents to buy anything. So much for any hopes of...well...anything fun. Ever.
I am going to get to go Tango dancing with my 16-year-old brother as chaparone next weekend. Well, that's something. I've also got some small jobs--re-writing the typos out of a real estate and make a training video for my grandfather's new product. If I do a good job, I might have actually get some professional references. Yee-haw.
Still spending all day indoors reading, writing, and researching. Wrote up to page 77 of my novel. Writing six pages a day will give me a thousand pages in a few more months, not that I want that many. 95% of the writing so far sucks ass, but there have been a few bits that are tolerable.
My dad wants me to investigate online dating. I find it ironic because he and my mom are scared to let me take the bus on my own in broad day light but go out with some total stranger I met on the internet??? Of course that's perfectly safe (rolls eyes expressively).
Looks like they've decided it's time for me to be properly married off. I thought I'd only have to deal with this crap in Utah. I'm 23 and can't possibly think of a reason why I'd want to get married to anyone in Washington, or even bother with a relationship that would probably last two months at most since I'm planning to go to New York next fall whether or not I have a job lined up. Apparently they're also under the distinct impression that boys have been pounding down my door and the only reason I'm not married yet is because I'm too picky. Well, boys in college pounded at something, but it wasn't my door. (Well, technically it was, given the harassment I suffered at the hands of creeps two years ago--you'd think that would have taught me to be a little more cautious in my choices. Nope.) This talk bothers me because it's really not any of their business whether I'm holding hands in the dark with whatever psychopath's willing to touch this bodily rubbish. As I said, I'm in no rush. It's a lot easier to be happy with yourself and your right hand when you're not surrounded by people going kissy-kissy while you're all alone.
I had a nightmare that my dad found out I was gay and strangled me in my sleep. Wish so much that I could just be open. Then they'd leave me alone about my dating. I probably could tell them the truth because they'd just see it as another effect of the rape and expect me to turn back to normal eventually. But I'm too scared too. I keep hearing my mother's words echoing in my head "never could love a daughter who's a lesbian...never could love a daughter who's a lesbian." No, can't come out until I'm financially independent so that if they cut me off, I won't be forced into doing anything. I had another nightmare that the U.S. military forced Bekah to hang herself. Have I ever told you how lovely my subconscious is?
Honestly, I don't even know what dating is like, at least not in the sense of romance. I've only been in one serious relationship (though I did turn down one of the marrying-types in high school because he was a nose-breather) and that one relationship a "hey, we both have hormones" thing and I was on the rebound from Jesse's traditional "yes I'm going to start dating you--uh, that was yesterday" vibes. I've never really been in love, and I despise it thoroughly because it opens you up to waaaay too much vulnerability. Give me a one-night-stand over someone who wants to talk about "feelings" any day of the month. This last statement is probably why I don't have serious relationships. That and college guys are fuckers, not lovers. Most of them. I've met a few sweet ones, but they're very rare.
Ironically, in the midst of all this bitterness, I did meet a nice boy though at a church activity (desperate to meet someone not my parents, I did, indeed go). He's about to head off to college in Arizona. Harley-Davidson is paying his full tuition, room & board, and giving him a book stipend to go to one of the top 2 motorcycle repair schools in the country. He also plays guitar/base in a band and reads Robert Jordan books. He carried me piggyback through the forest when I tripped. However, I've promised myself I will never date a Mormon because I don't want to hide who I am. Hard enough streaming my profanities, much less constraining my natural responses.
Boy: "See that cute redhead? That was my prom date."
Me: (first impulse) "Yeah, I'd fuck her."
Me: (actual comment) "Yeah, I...uh, I think she looks nice."
Anyway, I've all ready forgotten his name. I think my life would be a lot different if I could remember people's names. Doesn't matter. I'm not going out with anybody while living with my parents, and that is that. Especially not Mormon 18 year olds who seem oddly wise and are planning on leaving for their missions soon. Especially not when a little part of me is whispering about just using him for "practice."
My parents took the last of my money out of my personal account so now I have to go and ask for money from my parents to buy anything. So much for any hopes of...well...anything fun. Ever.
I am going to get to go Tango dancing with my 16-year-old brother as chaparone next weekend. Well, that's something. I've also got some small jobs--re-writing the typos out of a real estate and make a training video for my grandfather's new product. If I do a good job, I might have actually get some professional references. Yee-haw.