(no subject)
"Don't ever forget how special you are :) Remember too, you are never alone"
I want to believe her, but somehow I don't. I feel like I'm needy, endlessly needy. I want to stop being this burden on everyone. I'm grasping for someone to understand me somehow, and I feel that no one really does. I don't know why that's so important... maybe because if there's someone out there who truly knows me inside and out, like all the deep down stuff that I think is so horrible, and they can still like me after all that, then I'll be okay. I'll know that I'm not entirely unlovable. Right now everything just seems overwhelming and hopeless. I'm so frustrated with myself, and I'm tired of living this constant cycle of letting my guard down only to get set off by something that regresses me to the place I began battling with over 10 years ago. I want to be good enough and smart enough and beautiful enough for whatever standard it is I feel I'm never living up to. The hardest enemy to fight is myself, because I hate and blame myself for what I'm going through, but the only way to move beyond it is to try to accept and love myself. So in times when I'm feeling the most guilt and self-hatred, I'm supposed to value myself the most. That definitely seems beyond difficult, and I don't have the energy for that kind of effort.
I want to believe her, but somehow I don't. I feel like I'm needy, endlessly needy. I want to stop being this burden on everyone. I'm grasping for someone to understand me somehow, and I feel that no one really does. I don't know why that's so important... maybe because if there's someone out there who truly knows me inside and out, like all the deep down stuff that I think is so horrible, and they can still like me after all that, then I'll be okay. I'll know that I'm not entirely unlovable. Right now everything just seems overwhelming and hopeless. I'm so frustrated with myself, and I'm tired of living this constant cycle of letting my guard down only to get set off by something that regresses me to the place I began battling with over 10 years ago. I want to be good enough and smart enough and beautiful enough for whatever standard it is I feel I'm never living up to. The hardest enemy to fight is myself, because I hate and blame myself for what I'm going through, but the only way to move beyond it is to try to accept and love myself. So in times when I'm feeling the most guilt and self-hatred, I'm supposed to value myself the most. That definitely seems beyond difficult, and I don't have the energy for that kind of effort.