A Brand New Box
Well well, as it happens, this is my first day of being 20 years old.
Right now, it's pretty damn sweet. I'm sitting in the sun with my brand new Mac, listening to a mixture of the new Muse and Eyes Set To Kill. I'm pretty damn lucky, but I've had my share of meltdowns at the thought of turning 20. I mean, it's terrifying, right? Not only am I no longer a teenager and in a whole new box, but that box comes with a whole new set of expectations.
Mainly, I don't feel 20. I feel and mostly act, like a 17 year old. I'm unconfident, shy but sometimes silly. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and career and haven't moved out of home/gotten my license/been in a proper relationship all for the same reason: I'm scared.
Pathetic right? I mean, I remember sitting with friends at school when I was 14 - 16, feeling like the coolest person in my group. At certain points, I thought I was the "leader". I used to boast (mainly to myself) about MY group, MY friends. But now? I have my group of friends, but they're not mine. I'm just in there.
I'm not sure what happened, where so much of my confidence went. Maybe the confidence is mostly there, just the teenage cockiness left. So for now, I'm going to keep sitting in the sun in my parents house, listening to Muse. Because, for now, that's okay isn't it?
Right now, it's pretty damn sweet. I'm sitting in the sun with my brand new Mac, listening to a mixture of the new Muse and Eyes Set To Kill. I'm pretty damn lucky, but I've had my share of meltdowns at the thought of turning 20. I mean, it's terrifying, right? Not only am I no longer a teenager and in a whole new box, but that box comes with a whole new set of expectations.
Mainly, I don't feel 20. I feel and mostly act, like a 17 year old. I'm unconfident, shy but sometimes silly. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and career and haven't moved out of home/gotten my license/been in a proper relationship all for the same reason: I'm scared.
Pathetic right? I mean, I remember sitting with friends at school when I was 14 - 16, feeling like the coolest person in my group. At certain points, I thought I was the "leader". I used to boast (mainly to myself) about MY group, MY friends. But now? I have my group of friends, but they're not mine. I'm just in there.
I'm not sure what happened, where so much of my confidence went. Maybe the confidence is mostly there, just the teenage cockiness left. So for now, I'm going to keep sitting in the sun in my parents house, listening to Muse. Because, for now, that's okay isn't it?