What the hell man...
It seems everyday just gradually gets worse. Today was the first time in a long time I've had to think "I just don't even want to live anymore... it's not worth what I pay for." Like a bad restaraunt I guess, not worth what I pay for. I'm eating two pieces of romaine for $20 it seems like. Random exaggeration but hey, it works. It's not the pain, it's not that. It's the emotional stuff eating away at me, if I wasn't already pressuring myself mentally to have other people trying to dictate my life every direction I turn, then yes it'd be fine. I can ignore people well. But I'm trying to listen and it's just not working because they have bad opinions. Just like the shirt Emily bought me for christmas today said "Your opinion is interesting but irrelevant." As I went to my room to hide from people trying to debate how I'm doing wrong for myself in life I was going to just show them the shirt, but through stress I just kind of lashed out with "You're an asshole, you're an asshole, you're a bitch, you're a bitch (that was to Uncle Bill's wife who had nothing to do with it don't know why I said it to her I hope she ignored it), and then to Tim, you're an ASSHOLE" Because I tried telling him what I'm going to do with my life and then he just turns around and tries to tell them it was constructive of them until I called them assholes. Yeah right. It isn't constructive to a person who doesn't want advice from them because they're advice has never worked out for me and they have nothing to show for it in life. I'm in a giant circle of failures, that's my family. I think everyone in the future of my family will be failures even with all the potential there, even Tim, even my little nephew and especially my highly intelligent niece. It's sad, yes, but true. Sad part is, as they sat there and embarassed me for not the first time in front of Tim's girlfriend, who was first my friend and thats the only reason he ever knew her, she was the one who had to come to my room to try to talk to me. What a great family I have. I'm starting to run away and not face my problems head up for the first time in my life, well at least on purpose and not inadvertently, like drugs and alcohol. I just kind of leave, that's about it. Go to my room, go out with somebody. It's not that hard even though I feel cliche for it, "running away," but I really just don't care anymore. If no one is going to leave me alone, I'll make them, by not being there. Or even last night in my room I heard the most illogical thing in the world and was overhearing my parents hatred for me. I heard Tim step up and try to defend me, although it's hopeless with a psychotic father and a mother who has anemia but her heart is more anemic than her blood. They were saying because I slept on it and am heavy that it broke, but when my father puts his weight which is almost as much as mine on one seat and not three, that it wouldn't effect it. Right... denial, not putting the blame on yourself. Good one. Things are just not right in my house and since I'm an easy target, the twisted cycle of blame and stress just revolves around me and I'm sick of it. Somewhere along the lines I wish that my family would read this, but then again, what do I care? It's not as if it would change anything. Although running away these days, I'm revolting in my mind instead of leading by example, because for two years that didn't work. Just trying to come back down to earth and not try to revolve around the ball of hatred that swarms throughout my house day by day, hour by hour, and second by second. Yeah, I really think I'm coming back down again. Although not feeling so well, realizing this makes you feel kind of better. It's comforting to know that you're officially "better" than someone. Sure that's arrogant and man syndromed out like hell, but in reality I am better than them now. I've over-achieved them although achieving nothing. That's the opposite of my brother though, that's why we fight a lot, he's out to achieve different things. He wasn't as let down as I was by life and he could move onto bigger and better such as achieving education or whatever like his poem said, you guys should read it, it's pretty good for someone who doesn't write poetry and tends to write bad poetry although I assure you it's good in his mind because it's his thought. And actually it is good if it's his thought, because that's his opinion and it's worth something. But it doesn't relate to me so I'll say its bad for now :) But as far as I'm concerned, I've over-achieved my parents and that's all I've been after for a long time, now it's time to move on to the next stage in my life, that would be in fact, forming a life. Not a social one, trust me I have one of those great ones. But a real one, that's going to pay my bills. Yeah I think that's about it for now and well, merry christmas harhar :P
- Later, David
- Later, David