Damnit...
Man I'm freaking out. I think at the moment I'm crazy, not like the crazy I am a lot of times. I've never really felt THIS depressed or this much at strife. I'm crying and I'm dying and I hear people sighing. That didn't rhyme on purpose that's really how it is... As I rock back and forth through this chair I don't think words are deep or meaningful or yet even not limited enough to say how I am feeling right now. I'm so god damn low... I need drugs and I need alcohol and I need it socially because I can't do it alone because it's something I don't think should be done that way. Dependency on yourself to do it is addiction, on others is a craving. I haven't smoked in over a month and I haven't drank in 2-3 weeks. It hit me so hard to come back into the thinking world where I have to deal with life. It's so hard for me. No one really understands how hard it is for me to walk through life with all these disadvantages. They hurt me so bad. My entire life is falling apart just when I falsified myself that I was putting it back together... Tim and Silvia are leaving in three weeks and I won't lie that I look forward to seeing both of them. I don't really talk to anyone anymore. I'm locked up inside my world. I never talk to Zee. I talk to Lauren sometimes. Josh sometimes. These are the people I share my most intimate thoughts with. I'm getting along perfectly with everyone... but I think I'm starting to be ignored and not taking one bit seriously... I'm getting along with everyone who I really don't care about. And I'm thinking about dating somebody since my heart was broken last and since I don't really trust anybody one bit. I think Zee is mad at me too at the moment. I want my drugs back and I want my alcohol back I need something to hold me up right now. I really don't know why I'm depressed. I think that I just need to feel comforted by something right now... or that I should be special or that I should have everyone talk to me all the time and only me... like a little fucking girl I just want to be special... whatever, later