I know I'm bitching, but I just don't care
To Justin;
Finally saw you again,
Finally picked up my pen
Tell me what you thought.
Those stupid presents you bought
Not for me, no.
Never wanted any,
Never wanted a penny,
All I needed was to see,
Any feeling you had left for me, but
Not for me, no.
Supported you for almost a year,
Supported my love, for you later just to leer
Once and awhile on the phone
Only ever looking at me to see if I was looking at you alone,
Not for me, no
Complain about what people do to you?
Complain about what you do to me is what I should do
Try showing some feeling
To give me some understanding, but
Not for me, no.
You aren't for me, all those plans you made, with no intention to follow through, times you almost cried to me on the phone forgotten, who was there for you when you had no one left to talk to, whose hand grabbed you when you were falling off that depressing cliff? It was me.
What I can't figure out is what the fuck about me repels you so much. I'm not ugly, I'm not gross, I'm not stupid, or boring, or mean, or uncaring. All I do is give to you and you never give me anything back, not materially, I mean emotionally. I've gotten ONE goddamn thank you for all that I've done to try to help you. Sending you things to keep your morale up, talking to you late at night when I could have and should have been sleeping, putting my own feelings aside to try to help you, and you give me nothing back, no kind of emotional support whatsoever. You think seeing you for couple hours every couple of years really balances it out? No. You can never be honest with me. All you do is keep me on the back burner. When we talked all those times on the phone, you insinuated so many things. Wanting to hook up with me, wanting me to come out and visit you, wanting me to come out and fucking live with you in Florida. And I even considered it, I wanted it. I was fucking excited about it. And then you get here, and I pick you up and expect to get some kind of reaction out of you, but nothing. It's like we were playing poker, and you were trying to bluff me out of something. What that something is I can't fucking figure out. What do you want me to say? That I love you? That I hate you? Why can't you say either of those things to me? Why did you mislead me all that time into thinking we could have something when you came home to visit and then give me nothing? You practically acted like you were doing me a fucking favor, like it was a chore to see me, like you were bored. Telling your friend he could have me on the phone, what was that? I know you were joking (at least I think so) but come the fuck on. I completely understand you just got divorced, you're hurting, and will be for a long time, I FUCKING GET IT. I know she thought it was shitty of you to discipline the dogs, I know you paid for everything, I know you tried to be better for her but you couldn't live up to what she needed, I KNOW. But YOU KNOW right from wrong, and YOU KNOW that telling me all those things on the phone (and YOU KNOW what I'm talking about, don't pretend that I'm crazy or like you didn't say them or suggest them or imply them) was wrong because you haven't followed through with any of them.You acted like you didn't even really like me that much when we were together. It was so confusing. I waited all this time for something to happen but nothing did. AND THEN calling and telling me that you made out with Erica to prove something to me, I don't know what. What was up with that? Were you joking? Were you serious? I can't ever fucking tell, and you know that too, so you play it to your advantage. I really wouldn't care if you made out with anyone, but the fact that you called and metaphorically rubbed it in my face made me mad, especially when before you got here you acted like we were going to hook up. I'm not really pissed that we didn't, but why did you lead me on? I'm trying really hard to be friends with you, but you seem to want only to be my quasi-friend/-person you insinuate that you're going to insinuate having sex with on the phone, and in person, I'm just someone you walk next to in the mall and occasionally comment about some hot girl to. Where did the days go when you used to care about me, not even as a girlfriend, but just as a person? It seems I'm only a person to talk to when you need comfort. What if I fucking need comfort? Would you care? I have meant every word I have ever said to you, I've never lied, and I've always been honest about my feelings with you. What do you have to lose by telling me the truth? Want to tell me to fuck off? GO AHEAD. At least I would know where you stood. At least I'd know that I should STOP caring about you as a person, and STOP comforting you when you call me at 11 on a school night. Want to tell me I mean nothing to you and I annoy you, that you only talk to me out of pity? GO AHEAD. Tell me anything you want as long as it's true. This is long, I realize, but it's been inside me now for so long that it amounted to a lot when I got it out. You may not read it all, you may not read a sentence of it, you may read all of it and pretend you didn't, you may even answer my questions but I wrote it because I still care about you. I wrote it not in anger, but to get it all out there in the open. If you don't want to talk to me anymore that's fine, I'll move on and understand, but if I'm grossly off track and have misinterpreted signs that I thought I saw, I apologize. I'm just so confused and if I said these things, they wouldn't have come out right. Don't be mad at me just tell me the truth I'm a big girl I can handle it.
Finally saw you again,
Finally picked up my pen
Tell me what you thought.
Those stupid presents you bought
Not for me, no.
Never wanted any,
Never wanted a penny,
All I needed was to see,
Any feeling you had left for me, but
Not for me, no.
Supported you for almost a year,
Supported my love, for you later just to leer
Once and awhile on the phone
Only ever looking at me to see if I was looking at you alone,
Not for me, no
Complain about what people do to you?
Complain about what you do to me is what I should do
Try showing some feeling
To give me some understanding, but
Not for me, no.
You aren't for me, all those plans you made, with no intention to follow through, times you almost cried to me on the phone forgotten, who was there for you when you had no one left to talk to, whose hand grabbed you when you were falling off that depressing cliff? It was me.
What I can't figure out is what the fuck about me repels you so much. I'm not ugly, I'm not gross, I'm not stupid, or boring, or mean, or uncaring. All I do is give to you and you never give me anything back, not materially, I mean emotionally. I've gotten ONE goddamn thank you for all that I've done to try to help you. Sending you things to keep your morale up, talking to you late at night when I could have and should have been sleeping, putting my own feelings aside to try to help you, and you give me nothing back, no kind of emotional support whatsoever. You think seeing you for couple hours every couple of years really balances it out? No. You can never be honest with me. All you do is keep me on the back burner. When we talked all those times on the phone, you insinuated so many things. Wanting to hook up with me, wanting me to come out and visit you, wanting me to come out and fucking live with you in Florida. And I even considered it, I wanted it. I was fucking excited about it. And then you get here, and I pick you up and expect to get some kind of reaction out of you, but nothing. It's like we were playing poker, and you were trying to bluff me out of something. What that something is I can't fucking figure out. What do you want me to say? That I love you? That I hate you? Why can't you say either of those things to me? Why did you mislead me all that time into thinking we could have something when you came home to visit and then give me nothing? You practically acted like you were doing me a fucking favor, like it was a chore to see me, like you were bored. Telling your friend he could have me on the phone, what was that? I know you were joking (at least I think so) but come the fuck on. I completely understand you just got divorced, you're hurting, and will be for a long time, I FUCKING GET IT. I know she thought it was shitty of you to discipline the dogs, I know you paid for everything, I know you tried to be better for her but you couldn't live up to what she needed, I KNOW. But YOU KNOW right from wrong, and YOU KNOW that telling me all those things on the phone (and YOU KNOW what I'm talking about, don't pretend that I'm crazy or like you didn't say them or suggest them or imply them) was wrong because you haven't followed through with any of them.You acted like you didn't even really like me that much when we were together. It was so confusing. I waited all this time for something to happen but nothing did. AND THEN calling and telling me that you made out with Erica to prove something to me, I don't know what. What was up with that? Were you joking? Were you serious? I can't ever fucking tell, and you know that too, so you play it to your advantage. I really wouldn't care if you made out with anyone, but the fact that you called and metaphorically rubbed it in my face made me mad, especially when before you got here you acted like we were going to hook up. I'm not really pissed that we didn't, but why did you lead me on? I'm trying really hard to be friends with you, but you seem to want only to be my quasi-friend/-person you insinuate that you're going to insinuate having sex with on the phone, and in person, I'm just someone you walk next to in the mall and occasionally comment about some hot girl to. Where did the days go when you used to care about me, not even as a girlfriend, but just as a person? It seems I'm only a person to talk to when you need comfort. What if I fucking need comfort? Would you care? I have meant every word I have ever said to you, I've never lied, and I've always been honest about my feelings with you. What do you have to lose by telling me the truth? Want to tell me to fuck off? GO AHEAD. At least I would know where you stood. At least I'd know that I should STOP caring about you as a person, and STOP comforting you when you call me at 11 on a school night. Want to tell me I mean nothing to you and I annoy you, that you only talk to me out of pity? GO AHEAD. Tell me anything you want as long as it's true. This is long, I realize, but it's been inside me now for so long that it amounted to a lot when I got it out. You may not read it all, you may not read a sentence of it, you may read all of it and pretend you didn't, you may even answer my questions but I wrote it because I still care about you. I wrote it not in anger, but to get it all out there in the open. If you don't want to talk to me anymore that's fine, I'll move on and understand, but if I'm grossly off track and have misinterpreted signs that I thought I saw, I apologize. I'm just so confused and if I said these things, they wouldn't have come out right. Don't be mad at me just tell me the truth I'm a big girl I can handle it.