As Walls Collapse...
My feral cat, Hera, is lying against me on my bed. She's purring. She does that a lot as most rescued cats do. I just finished working out even though I shouldn't be doing Carmen Elecktra's Aerobic Striptease at Midnight. In a way it helps relieve stress or something. Okay, so I do it because I get to dance in my underwear in my room if I want. I can get away with slapping my ass and putting my finger in my mouth without being sent to the mental hospital :-D. No not really though I like the head rolls, something about the hair.
I got up at noon today, particularly because I was up till 6am because I couldn't sleep. I think I know what's going on. My bi-polar is acting up. It's scary I guess I was hoping to go more than 3 months without another episode...Oh well.
Mike called at 6 tonight. I think because the day prior I called asking him to "make" time for me. 5 minuts, half hour or an hour, all day for that matter...JUST TALK TO ME!!!! I was hoping to miss him and leave a confident, well put together message of "Call me back sometime. I'd like to see you tomorrow." But instead he picks up the phone and I immediately choke and want to hang up.
I connect my life to movies I've seen as often as I can. It helps me describe something emotional I'm feeling into sounds, letters, and then words. As I cough up what words I can I see small flashbacks of the movie "As Good As It Gets" and I think to myself, what in that movie would help me get through this today?
I remember a scene where Helen Hunt's character calls Jack Nicholsen's character on the phone. Basically the point of the dialogue was she can never understand their relationship. I remember them sitting in a fancy restaurant and Jack spits out the words "I have to wear a suit and they let you in in a house dress". It sounds exactly like something Mike would say. "You have no idea how much what you just said hurt my feelings." He tries to come up with a compliment and when he finds one all she can say is, "I'm so afraid you're going to say something awful."
And then later in the movie comes the "I don't think I want to know you anymore" and he tries to help add laughter to the conversation and a positive outlook and she blurts out "I don't know whether you're being serious or cute."
The memories of the movie pass through my head as I come back to reality. Mike's on the phone saying "Hello, Hello"... I want to clear my throat but I don't and all I can come up with is, "Do you think we can spend time together tomorrow night and talk?" I'm holding my breath and I am exhaling in short random spurts. He tells me he's working long hours again at work so he wants to know how long we need to talk and about what. I just say "any time is fine." I can hear my voice shake and after losing composure I am able to make out a thanks and I quickly hang up without him getting a word in.
I've lost it; I shove my head into my bed and cover myself with a pillow and I cry almost to the point of screaming. Desperation is sinking in. I can't find an absolute answer to my question, "Why am I crying?" So I come up with things to tell myself:
Here we go again. It's all going to start over. I'll be sick and everyone will be frustrated and tried. Mike will give up. My mom and my horse trainer won't be able to deal with me at horse shows. She'll threaten to sell my horse again, just like she did last year.
I'll be crying and screaming over horse shows, races, and finding the time to work on snowmobile projects. I won't have any money. I'm gonna yell at my daughter and make her cry...Then she'll hate me. I'll start drinking every weekend again.
And on it goes...
Mike called me right after work today and talked to me. I think he was kinda worried about me. I didn't even leave my house yet and it was already 6 in the evening. He asked why and he told me I had to get up and go out because it was a nice day. "How" I asked him...okay so I was just being a lazy pain in the ass. He said, "It's easy I'll tell you how. Now pick your right foot up, slide or push it forward. Now pick your left foot up and push it forward...right...left" yadda yadda.
I laugh at him and say okay I'm going. I went to the barn, saddled up Lyric and rode. I used my close contact saddle that is literally just 2 thin leather flaps sewn together. I worked on a lot of equitation since my legs have been moving a lot while I ride the green horses I'm training at Roger's. I did okay trotting, sitting at the trot wasn't too great though. I did some posting and sitting without stirrups. Same deal.
I got ready to do some cantering which was never my strong suit for some reason. (And definitely it isn't right now.) Things weren't going too well and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to fix it. I'm off balance, head set is gone, my reins are flopping everywhere and are too loose, and to make matters worse my legs are everywhere. I try and try. I even try without stirrups. I'm thinking to myself 'don't use your legs and calves. Put your feet down into your stirrups and hold with your knees and balance off your gravity.' No go.
I can't see myself so I can't find an exact cause of the problem. I don't have a video camera particularly because I can't afford it. I got to the point that I was crying. I was humiliated by myself. I'm thinking, "You won US Nationals at 15. You're a trainer now and you've become THIS?! You'll never make it and people will laugh. You don't deserve that new horse or the chance to go back to Nationals and NSH Finals."
Another day of misery has begun. I only hope I can live through this one instead of ending up almost dead in the hospital like last time. I need help though. So confront me...if I don't ask for help.
Later,
~TigerCaT
I got up at noon today, particularly because I was up till 6am because I couldn't sleep. I think I know what's going on. My bi-polar is acting up. It's scary I guess I was hoping to go more than 3 months without another episode...Oh well.
Mike called at 6 tonight. I think because the day prior I called asking him to "make" time for me. 5 minuts, half hour or an hour, all day for that matter...JUST TALK TO ME!!!! I was hoping to miss him and leave a confident, well put together message of "Call me back sometime. I'd like to see you tomorrow." But instead he picks up the phone and I immediately choke and want to hang up.
I connect my life to movies I've seen as often as I can. It helps me describe something emotional I'm feeling into sounds, letters, and then words. As I cough up what words I can I see small flashbacks of the movie "As Good As It Gets" and I think to myself, what in that movie would help me get through this today?
I remember a scene where Helen Hunt's character calls Jack Nicholsen's character on the phone. Basically the point of the dialogue was she can never understand their relationship. I remember them sitting in a fancy restaurant and Jack spits out the words "I have to wear a suit and they let you in in a house dress". It sounds exactly like something Mike would say. "You have no idea how much what you just said hurt my feelings." He tries to come up with a compliment and when he finds one all she can say is, "I'm so afraid you're going to say something awful."
And then later in the movie comes the "I don't think I want to know you anymore" and he tries to help add laughter to the conversation and a positive outlook and she blurts out "I don't know whether you're being serious or cute."
The memories of the movie pass through my head as I come back to reality. Mike's on the phone saying "Hello, Hello"... I want to clear my throat but I don't and all I can come up with is, "Do you think we can spend time together tomorrow night and talk?" I'm holding my breath and I am exhaling in short random spurts. He tells me he's working long hours again at work so he wants to know how long we need to talk and about what. I just say "any time is fine." I can hear my voice shake and after losing composure I am able to make out a thanks and I quickly hang up without him getting a word in.
I've lost it; I shove my head into my bed and cover myself with a pillow and I cry almost to the point of screaming. Desperation is sinking in. I can't find an absolute answer to my question, "Why am I crying?" So I come up with things to tell myself:
Here we go again. It's all going to start over. I'll be sick and everyone will be frustrated and tried. Mike will give up. My mom and my horse trainer won't be able to deal with me at horse shows. She'll threaten to sell my horse again, just like she did last year.
I'll be crying and screaming over horse shows, races, and finding the time to work on snowmobile projects. I won't have any money. I'm gonna yell at my daughter and make her cry...Then she'll hate me. I'll start drinking every weekend again.
And on it goes...
Mike called me right after work today and talked to me. I think he was kinda worried about me. I didn't even leave my house yet and it was already 6 in the evening. He asked why and he told me I had to get up and go out because it was a nice day. "How" I asked him...okay so I was just being a lazy pain in the ass. He said, "It's easy I'll tell you how. Now pick your right foot up, slide or push it forward. Now pick your left foot up and push it forward...right...left" yadda yadda.
I laugh at him and say okay I'm going. I went to the barn, saddled up Lyric and rode. I used my close contact saddle that is literally just 2 thin leather flaps sewn together. I worked on a lot of equitation since my legs have been moving a lot while I ride the green horses I'm training at Roger's. I did okay trotting, sitting at the trot wasn't too great though. I did some posting and sitting without stirrups. Same deal.
I got ready to do some cantering which was never my strong suit for some reason. (And definitely it isn't right now.) Things weren't going too well and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to fix it. I'm off balance, head set is gone, my reins are flopping everywhere and are too loose, and to make matters worse my legs are everywhere. I try and try. I even try without stirrups. I'm thinking to myself 'don't use your legs and calves. Put your feet down into your stirrups and hold with your knees and balance off your gravity.' No go.
I can't see myself so I can't find an exact cause of the problem. I don't have a video camera particularly because I can't afford it. I got to the point that I was crying. I was humiliated by myself. I'm thinking, "You won US Nationals at 15. You're a trainer now and you've become THIS?! You'll never make it and people will laugh. You don't deserve that new horse or the chance to go back to Nationals and NSH Finals."
Another day of misery has begun. I only hope I can live through this one instead of ending up almost dead in the hospital like last time. I need help though. So confront me...if I don't ask for help.
Later,
~TigerCaT