(no subject)
i pushed my parents limit. they cancelled the credit card, and pulled my allowance.
if i had gotten out of control again, i would submit, and take it. i would understand. but this time, i didn't. i followed their rules perfectly, i just had to use those rules a lot.
i doesn't make sense. i spent my allowance and my tips. i took care of chris and andrew's shopping lists. thats it. every cent was paid for, every reciept accounted for. i had permission to buy shit for other people. i didn't break a god damn rule.
he's saying that i'm spending too much money. he says that if i spend my tips, i'm not going to college. thats not even my exaggerated interpretation, its a fucking quote. i'm making two dollars more than i did at kroger, and i'm working more hours. i got a two hundred thirty dollar check the other day, for a two week period. i used to make eighty at kroger in the same amount of time. i'm working so fucking hard. i have an interview at miller career center to give me experience to get accepted into film school. i'm working on my god damn fascist service project. i'm doing my homework for once. but i'm spending an extra ten to twenty dollars a week that i get from my tips. so he's pulling my allowance. the amount of money i put away while working at kroger was never a problem. it was just fine. but now that i'm putting away three times as much, its not enough. what the fuck. i know i need to be putting away every thing i can get, but i also need to feel like i'm not working for nothing. i have no reason to think all this shit is worth it. jim went to college and it didn't get him shit. richard didn't go to college, and he fucking loves his life. what the fuck am i doing? granted jim had a good time in college. but richard's having a good time now, without thousands of dollars of debt. i'm so ready to just drop out. i don't need this shit. i don't need dad's irrational bullshit. i don't need his money and his debts and his drunken rage. i don't need him. granted, i don't need my allowance and tips worth of records, i like to have it. and i feel like i've fucking earned it. i'm working too fucking hard to put up with "its not enough". fuck him. fuck money. fuck college and grades and working and stress and debt and future. what's twenty bucks in two hundred. fuck it all.
i want to move out. thats probably irrational, but i do. there's a lot of people i could live with. it would be so fucking easy. i wouldn't go to college. and there's always the chance that i'm going to want to have gone later on. and so i'm staying at home. not because i want to, but because i might regret it later. because thats what people say. i'm tired of ignoring myself.
[werd]
if i had gotten out of control again, i would submit, and take it. i would understand. but this time, i didn't. i followed their rules perfectly, i just had to use those rules a lot.
i doesn't make sense. i spent my allowance and my tips. i took care of chris and andrew's shopping lists. thats it. every cent was paid for, every reciept accounted for. i had permission to buy shit for other people. i didn't break a god damn rule.
he's saying that i'm spending too much money. he says that if i spend my tips, i'm not going to college. thats not even my exaggerated interpretation, its a fucking quote. i'm making two dollars more than i did at kroger, and i'm working more hours. i got a two hundred thirty dollar check the other day, for a two week period. i used to make eighty at kroger in the same amount of time. i'm working so fucking hard. i have an interview at miller career center to give me experience to get accepted into film school. i'm working on my god damn fascist service project. i'm doing my homework for once. but i'm spending an extra ten to twenty dollars a week that i get from my tips. so he's pulling my allowance. the amount of money i put away while working at kroger was never a problem. it was just fine. but now that i'm putting away three times as much, its not enough. what the fuck. i know i need to be putting away every thing i can get, but i also need to feel like i'm not working for nothing. i have no reason to think all this shit is worth it. jim went to college and it didn't get him shit. richard didn't go to college, and he fucking loves his life. what the fuck am i doing? granted jim had a good time in college. but richard's having a good time now, without thousands of dollars of debt. i'm so ready to just drop out. i don't need this shit. i don't need dad's irrational bullshit. i don't need his money and his debts and his drunken rage. i don't need him. granted, i don't need my allowance and tips worth of records, i like to have it. and i feel like i've fucking earned it. i'm working too fucking hard to put up with "its not enough". fuck him. fuck money. fuck college and grades and working and stress and debt and future. what's twenty bucks in two hundred. fuck it all.
i want to move out. thats probably irrational, but i do. there's a lot of people i could live with. it would be so fucking easy. i wouldn't go to college. and there's always the chance that i'm going to want to have gone later on. and so i'm staying at home. not because i want to, but because i might regret it later. because thats what people say. i'm tired of ignoring myself.
[werd]