i know i should've expected it.
it's not what you have learned, but what they said about you. . .
i know i should have expected this. i really do know that. But every time she says it, every time she mentions that she has no trust in me. I hurt. I hurt to no end. My heart gets heavy and jumps into my throat. Tears well up in my eyes and I can't help but cry, and think that our relationship coudln't possibly work. Seriously, I'm scared. I'm terrified that would happen. I know that I should have expected it. I know it's only right for her to feel that way. I know this. I should've known, anyway. I can't. I can't move. I can't breathe. I can't do anything.
I want out, of this misery. I want to find happiness again. But the only way I can do it is through her. I agree with her, that things are really awkward still. I would expect it to be that way. Of course, because I ruined the best thing I ever had. Like I always do. If you could give me one truly great situation I haven't ruined yet, please let me know. I'd love some input.
I don't know what to do. I really don't. I can't win trust back. I can't. I didn't win her trust in the first place. I don't know what to do.
I want it to stop.
No one can make it stop. I don't understand how something I did could hurt me SO MUCH! I don't understand it. I wish I did. But I just don't.
I hate being all pessimistic and "wishing" everything, but I can't help it.
I can't do anything.
I am the worst person I know. I'm worse than every ex I've had. I'm willing to admit it. My moral standards and self-motivation have dropped tremendously since last year. I drink, I smoke, I lie, I cheat, I toke. I don't know what happened. I don't know why I started doing any of these things. I was fine last year. I may have been lonely, but I was fine.
I'm extremely sexual. I actually hate it quite a bit. It pisses me off. I wish I wasn't. If I could just supress everything, life would be SO much easier. I don't understand it.
FUCK.
FUCK.
FUCK.
That's all i can think of to say. I can't believe I would bring myself to do such actions that could fucking hurt someone so badly. Someone I love so much. So fucking much. I can't stand it. I think I'm going to. . I don't know what I'm going to do. I would love to leave. I wish I could help me, I wish someone could help me. No one can, because I can't really tell them what's wrong--I don't even know. It's bullshit. I INFLICTED THIS PAIN! Why? Because I'm some rare form of idiot. I really think it's time for me to stop this now.
Today's entry was going to be happy. Looks like that one's not going to happen. I'm going to go write in my real journal. Write my innermost feelings, thoughts, and concerns. They're similar to this only with more anguish.
I have never been so swell,
I have never failed to fail.
PAIN!
i know i should have expected this. i really do know that. But every time she says it, every time she mentions that she has no trust in me. I hurt. I hurt to no end. My heart gets heavy and jumps into my throat. Tears well up in my eyes and I can't help but cry, and think that our relationship coudln't possibly work. Seriously, I'm scared. I'm terrified that would happen. I know that I should have expected it. I know it's only right for her to feel that way. I know this. I should've known, anyway. I can't. I can't move. I can't breathe. I can't do anything.
I want out, of this misery. I want to find happiness again. But the only way I can do it is through her. I agree with her, that things are really awkward still. I would expect it to be that way. Of course, because I ruined the best thing I ever had. Like I always do. If you could give me one truly great situation I haven't ruined yet, please let me know. I'd love some input.
I don't know what to do. I really don't. I can't win trust back. I can't. I didn't win her trust in the first place. I don't know what to do.
I want it to stop.
No one can make it stop. I don't understand how something I did could hurt me SO MUCH! I don't understand it. I wish I did. But I just don't.
I hate being all pessimistic and "wishing" everything, but I can't help it.
I can't do anything.
I am the worst person I know. I'm worse than every ex I've had. I'm willing to admit it. My moral standards and self-motivation have dropped tremendously since last year. I drink, I smoke, I lie, I cheat, I toke. I don't know what happened. I don't know why I started doing any of these things. I was fine last year. I may have been lonely, but I was fine.
I'm extremely sexual. I actually hate it quite a bit. It pisses me off. I wish I wasn't. If I could just supress everything, life would be SO much easier. I don't understand it.
FUCK.
FUCK.
FUCK.
That's all i can think of to say. I can't believe I would bring myself to do such actions that could fucking hurt someone so badly. Someone I love so much. So fucking much. I can't stand it. I think I'm going to. . I don't know what I'm going to do. I would love to leave. I wish I could help me, I wish someone could help me. No one can, because I can't really tell them what's wrong--I don't even know. It's bullshit. I INFLICTED THIS PAIN! Why? Because I'm some rare form of idiot. I really think it's time for me to stop this now.
Today's entry was going to be happy. Looks like that one's not going to happen. I'm going to go write in my real journal. Write my innermost feelings, thoughts, and concerns. They're similar to this only with more anguish.
I have never been so swell,
I have never failed to fail.
PAIN!