(no subject)
Today marks the closing to another period in my life. Today I had to let go of the man who I fell deeply in love with and cared about more than anything in the world. The man who I devoted the rest of my life to at one point...the man who I would have done anything for.
While I never would have believed this if you had asked me a year ago, today I am happy to report that I did not have to eat to it (or not eat to it). I find that the longer I am in OA and AA, the more I begin talking like them....it is a bit like a cult sometimes I think....we all speak the same way, talk about a lot of the same stuff. I can see how people could be turned off by that. But, I will have to say that what they preach is true...and I only say these things because I have come to believe them.
While today is only one day, I am proud to announce that today
* I stuck to my food plan very closely
* I attended a meeting and talked more than I ever have before
* I stayed around afterwards and talked with a few of the OA members, something I've never really done before
* I called my sponsor and told her what happened and she helped to give me strength to get through today
* I still went to the gym and ran....but not excessively and it felt damn good
* I had one friend call me once he saw my myspace profile to make sure I was okay....and that meant the world to me
* I was able to call and reach out to other friends
* I was able to journal about it and cry about it.....something I never was really able to do in the past.
My world is not going to end. Despite how I felt at times when I was with Doug and even with Justin, my life will go on. I am so committed to living a full life and being happy at this point that I can't let anyone slow or drag me down. I may feel different tomorrow, but today I am able to take it one day at a time and realize that I don't have to starve myself, I don't have to exercise compulsively, I don't have to binge and make myself throw up, I don't have to do this alone. Knowing these things is a miracle.
Being able to follow my heart and do what is best for myself is an even bigger miracle. And being able to see my life going in the right direction feels better than anything I could have imagined.
And best of all, I am able to feel emotions and feel the hurt and the grief that I would not be able to feel if I was in the food. This means that I will be able to grieve and move past this....and not have to still be hurting years down the road by this.
I hear people in OA talk about self-pity a lot and how they are masters at self-pity and feeling sorry for themselves. I thought to myself.....I don't really do that. Now, self-hatred, I am really good at that one...but self-pity??
And then today as Justin was leaving....my first reaction was "Oh poor me. All men treat me like shit. I will never find a good man who will meet all of my expectations. I will never find an honest man who treats me well." And on and on....
While I never would have believed this if you had asked me a year ago, today I am happy to report that I did not have to eat to it (or not eat to it). I find that the longer I am in OA and AA, the more I begin talking like them....it is a bit like a cult sometimes I think....we all speak the same way, talk about a lot of the same stuff. I can see how people could be turned off by that. But, I will have to say that what they preach is true...and I only say these things because I have come to believe them.
While today is only one day, I am proud to announce that today
* I stuck to my food plan very closely
* I attended a meeting and talked more than I ever have before
* I stayed around afterwards and talked with a few of the OA members, something I've never really done before
* I called my sponsor and told her what happened and she helped to give me strength to get through today
* I still went to the gym and ran....but not excessively and it felt damn good
* I had one friend call me once he saw my myspace profile to make sure I was okay....and that meant the world to me
* I was able to call and reach out to other friends
* I was able to journal about it and cry about it.....something I never was really able to do in the past.
My world is not going to end. Despite how I felt at times when I was with Doug and even with Justin, my life will go on. I am so committed to living a full life and being happy at this point that I can't let anyone slow or drag me down. I may feel different tomorrow, but today I am able to take it one day at a time and realize that I don't have to starve myself, I don't have to exercise compulsively, I don't have to binge and make myself throw up, I don't have to do this alone. Knowing these things is a miracle.
Being able to follow my heart and do what is best for myself is an even bigger miracle. And being able to see my life going in the right direction feels better than anything I could have imagined.
And best of all, I am able to feel emotions and feel the hurt and the grief that I would not be able to feel if I was in the food. This means that I will be able to grieve and move past this....and not have to still be hurting years down the road by this.
I hear people in OA talk about self-pity a lot and how they are masters at self-pity and feeling sorry for themselves. I thought to myself.....I don't really do that. Now, self-hatred, I am really good at that one...but self-pity??
And then today as Justin was leaving....my first reaction was "Oh poor me. All men treat me like shit. I will never find a good man who will meet all of my expectations. I will never find an honest man who treats me well." And on and on....