A life of lost?
I feel so lost now, really lost. I don't know what I'm feeling now also. I don't know if I should feel this way or not. Always when I look at this girl in school - Ooi Ai Li.. I think back of Siew Kim, and all the memories suddenly kick back to me and I'm overwhelmed with sadness and tears.. Haiz.
I can go drooling at her sweet face everyday. Everytime I look at her, it brings me back in time. Everytime I give her this look, she'll notice it, but will turn away and think something bad about me.. (I suppose). Actually I want to tell Ai Li the truth, actually I want to tell her everything I want to tell. I don't want anything from her.. I just want my EX bad so badly that this can actually happen. Everywhere I go, I always see a small part of Siew Kim in the many girls' face I see.
So many things I remember about her - The love, the touch, the smell, the face, the tenderness, the care, the angriness, the loneliness, the power of her expression, our fights, our 'manja' time, when she layed her head on my shoulder, when she hugged me from the back and all.. Nobody.. Can give me this great feeling that I want anymore. Except her. Even now, Cherlyn can't fill my heart with flowers. Instead, I regretted, being with her.
I told nobody about it except Sun Tar. I don't feel any better telling him anyway. So much stress everyday, over petty issues and things. So much stress, everyday, over things that run through my head. I thought that when I have a girlfriend, I'd be better off. But I was wrong. I was wrong to think that way. And now when I reach this stage of desperation, I gave up my life to God. I don't know what he's planning for me next.. All I can do is hope that it's all for the good.
I want to look into her eyes again, and be next to her again.. But I can't. I learnt a lot from this hefty lesson and I wouldn't want to be a sick person longing for her love for the rest of my life. Why couldn't I find someone who I really love? Why could I not find someone who I can share all my heart with, and pour all my thoughts to? Why..? Why did God take her away from me? For me to expose myself to the world and give me an opportunity to meet other girls?
If I'd to have Kim I'd never be able to do that, if she sticks to me. All I can do is tell stories about her, and flashback about memories of us. I would want to tell this to someone.. but nobody listens.. Haha.
This world has given me so much that I couldn't think of whatever sweetness that has poured onto me for the past years. The bitterness, comes along, which influenced me to indulge in stupid activities and crazy thinking which I would call - Dumb Doings.
I cook, my passion. I love, my need. How long more should I wait to get someone whom I can really jump into?
Maybe I'm too choosy. Maybe I just want stick to the past and not move on to the future. I want to tell Kim that I still love her very very much despite all the 'injuries' that bounded to the depths of my feelings. Too much for me to say. I can't even express what I want to.
Ahh.. No recipes for today. I just want to spit my mind out. Since I have nobody to spit to, I'd just spit it to my blog. =(
-Franz
I can go drooling at her sweet face everyday. Everytime I look at her, it brings me back in time. Everytime I give her this look, she'll notice it, but will turn away and think something bad about me.. (I suppose). Actually I want to tell Ai Li the truth, actually I want to tell her everything I want to tell. I don't want anything from her.. I just want my EX bad so badly that this can actually happen. Everywhere I go, I always see a small part of Siew Kim in the many girls' face I see.
So many things I remember about her - The love, the touch, the smell, the face, the tenderness, the care, the angriness, the loneliness, the power of her expression, our fights, our 'manja' time, when she layed her head on my shoulder, when she hugged me from the back and all.. Nobody.. Can give me this great feeling that I want anymore. Except her. Even now, Cherlyn can't fill my heart with flowers. Instead, I regretted, being with her.
I told nobody about it except Sun Tar. I don't feel any better telling him anyway. So much stress everyday, over petty issues and things. So much stress, everyday, over things that run through my head. I thought that when I have a girlfriend, I'd be better off. But I was wrong. I was wrong to think that way. And now when I reach this stage of desperation, I gave up my life to God. I don't know what he's planning for me next.. All I can do is hope that it's all for the good.
I want to look into her eyes again, and be next to her again.. But I can't. I learnt a lot from this hefty lesson and I wouldn't want to be a sick person longing for her love for the rest of my life. Why couldn't I find someone who I really love? Why could I not find someone who I can share all my heart with, and pour all my thoughts to? Why..? Why did God take her away from me? For me to expose myself to the world and give me an opportunity to meet other girls?
If I'd to have Kim I'd never be able to do that, if she sticks to me. All I can do is tell stories about her, and flashback about memories of us. I would want to tell this to someone.. but nobody listens.. Haha.
This world has given me so much that I couldn't think of whatever sweetness that has poured onto me for the past years. The bitterness, comes along, which influenced me to indulge in stupid activities and crazy thinking which I would call - Dumb Doings.
I cook, my passion. I love, my need. How long more should I wait to get someone whom I can really jump into?
Maybe I'm too choosy. Maybe I just want stick to the past and not move on to the future. I want to tell Kim that I still love her very very much despite all the 'injuries' that bounded to the depths of my feelings. Too much for me to say. I can't even express what I want to.
Ahh.. No recipes for today. I just want to spit my mind out. Since I have nobody to spit to, I'd just spit it to my blog. =(
-Franz