Meeting In The Greenhouse

[vegablack62]

Ginny walked through a curtain of vines into a small hidden section of Greenhouse six, looking for Neville.  Glowing wand-written words hung in the air in front of the door --  be careful what you touch -- followed by a second message -- watch where you put your fingers!!

“Well I can’t say I wasn’t warned,” she said under her breathe.

The

Comments

[vegablack62]

Thanks for your criticism of how I introduce Neville. I struggled with that. When I first wrote this there wasn't a mention of him at all until he just appeared out of the greenery. I guess I wanted to give the reader a sense of exploring the place and Neville being a part of it and something of a surprise.

I felt that wasn't working and added some minor mentions of him before Ginny first meets him there, but from your remarks I can see that that wasn't enough. I do need to do a better job of introducing him and alerting to his presence.

I thought of the Slugclub as another thing to take up Ginny's time, even if it was just attendance at Slughorn's dinners. Perhaps I should have her make a face when she mentions it and have Neville make a face back, since he didn't like it either. I'll have to see how I pace the sentence. I really just wanted to list three activities for her give as reasons that she didn't have time for outside study.

I really appreciate your critique. It helps me a lot.

I'm glad you enjoyed this. Thank you so much for all your comments.

[sea_thoughts]

I guess I wanted to give the reader a sense of exploring the place and Neville being a part of it and something of a surprise.

He's definitely a surprise, you can still have him saying something, just put a sentence about him "emerging from the leaves" or something similar afterwards.

I thought of the Slugclub as another thing to take up Ginny's time, even if it was just attendance at Slughorn's dinners. I'll have to see how I pace the sentence. I really just wanted to list three activities for her give as reasons that she didn't have time for outside study.

I understand that's what you were trying to do, but including the Slug Club with Quidditch and OWLs makes it seem as if it's important to Ginny, which I don't think it is. :)

Perhaps I should have her make a face when she mentions it and have Neville make a face back, since he didn't like it either.

Yeah, I like that idea. Shows that neither of them are particularly into the idea of being "collected".

[vegablack62]

Thanks for the advice I'm making some of the changes that we've talked about.

[sea_thoughts]

Okay, read it and I like it. It flows much better now that you have Neville appearing like that and them making the faces about the Slug Club.

[vegablack62]

Thanks, sometimes on rewrites I feel like I'm just treading water and not actually making anything better. It's good to hear from you about it. Thanks.