Fic Post: An Ending After Sunset (Final Sleeps With Butterflies installment!)
Title: An Ending After Sunset
Fandom: CSI
Series: Sleeps with Butterflies
Pairing: Grissom/Sara
Rating: General
A/N: This is the final installment of the Sleeps with Butterflies series.
Summary: “But you see, I’m tired of being your assistant, Gil. Your companion. Rose to your Doctor. It isn’t romantic anymore. And maybe it shouldn’t have been.”
I love you yes
And I’ll confess
The thought of staying is so enticing
-Greg Serrano (Crazy Ex Girlfriend/It Was a Shitshow)
Seattle was stunning and Sara had fallen in love with the air and the feel and the hipsters as soon as they’d stepped off the train. He was here for an interview, she was here to look at condos (and for a job). For more than a few heartbeats, it had been like that moment in Paris when the world was laid out before them and all felt new all over again. Starting over together in a new city - she couldn’t serve any law enforcement agency under the Trump Administration - and he was willing (willing) to take up teaching, it felt like a gift from the universe.
Only after he had his job and she was having trouble finding work that she realized all they were doing was repeating Paris. She helped him with his research and took long walks in the morning and late at night he tied her to the bed and had his way with her. Rinse. Repeat.
At least this time she noticed the signs. She paid attention. She accepted that happiness was something she deserved, not something she and Gil could strive for. And up late working on his research while he was grading papers and dreaming of the open sea, she realized that they’d only ever been meant to be soulmates, but not partners. Looking away from the document of her notes, she accepted her heart breaking all over again all while celebrating the fact that they hadn’t decided to remarry.
“This isn’t working, Gil.”
He stared at her. She stared back through tear-filled eyes and watched him register that she wasn’t talking about his conclusions regarding insect migration.
“Sara …”
“Loving each other isn’t the same as being able to make something like this work,” she said. “And I don’t want to be sitting here, making both of us wonder why we did this again.”
He was still staring at her and she knew he was feeling betrayed and angry and it was all building up but what hurt him the most in this moment was that he’d always been the one in control. It had been him who courted her and him to teased her and him who put them back together again not just in Vegas but when he showed up in Costa Rica and then again. He liked controlling his relationships. He demanded it. They had never truly been on equal footing.
“I’m sorry, Gil,” she said, still meeting his eyes. Even after he stormed out of the room, she stared after him. She wanted to regret this.
She didn’t.
He was gone two days - sleeping in his office she knew - and when he returned, the anger still simmered. He wanted the control. He hated when his submissives told him to stop.
“Let’s talk,” he said, softly. The portrait of being humbled.
“It won’t change that we’ve tried to make this work for twenty years,” Sara replied. “And I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of being only half here. I’m tired of being your obsession. I’m tired of you being mine. I want to love you without …” she looked around the condo. “Without all of this attached.”
“So what, then?”
“You fell in love with being an activist, with breaking the law, with putting people to shame.” She held back how she felt he’d taken that from her, but he also wasn’t controlling her. She could go out, she could do it too. She just didn’t want to right now. She didn’t want to, yet again, follow him where she’d already been walking. “You don’t want to be confined here anymore.”
“You could come with me.”
“And then I’d still be Gil Grissom’s assistant,” she said. “I’d be your wife. I wouldn’t be my own person.” She sighed, and wished he knew how hard this was for her. “Gil, I don’t know if we were doomed from the start, or if this is just … us now. But you aren’t any happier than I am.”
“Sara … we love each other.”
“And that’s why we need to stop this. Before we stop loving each other. Because I love loving you. I love being your best friend. I love knowing the answer to a theory before you do. And I want to keep loving that. And I know that if we continue as we are, we’ll both resent each other a lot faster than we want to acknowledge.”
Silence. And he left again, as she knew he would. He came back the next morning, sleep deprived and pouting, but there was acceptance in his shoulders.
“Do you regret leaving Vegas?”
That was an easy answer. “No. No. I love it here.” She felt a pang that she couldn’t explain, not to Gil, a longing for a man who, she hoped, was happy in his relationship. A man she should have been brave enough to love. Because she did love it here and she wanted Greg to be in love with someone who matched him perfectly, but if she did have one true regret in her heart it wasn’t that she and Gil couldn’t find some fairytale happy ever after, but that she hadn’t allowed herself to try with Greg.
Breakups needed to be easier. And human hearts needed to make better sense of emotion. She hated how she felt, even though she knew it was necessary.
This time, she left. In the hours he’d been gone she booked a train ticket down to San Francisco. She and Doug were going to a Giant’s game and she’d try to sneak into the Rusty Nickel and chances were she would fall into his bed, but Gil didn’t need to know that. It gave him time to move his things. They would talk when she came back.
She did get into the Rusty Nickel and she did fall into Doug’s bed and it was some of the best sex she’d had in years. They parted as friends, with a promise to perhaps see each other again when they had time. Regrets with Doug weighed heavily on her and she could only look at her history of broken relationships with scorn toward her cowardice.
The condo was half-empty when she returned. Sara spent five days scrubbing her demons, ordering furniture for the spare room, painting walls, and replacing photographs and artwork. She would rip anyone to shreds who came back with “I told you so” or “You were bad for each other.” How, in truth, could soulmates be bad for each other?
It was two weeks later when they finally had dinner. Their favorite restaurant, near the beach, the sunset pouring through the windows. This time, the details were easier. The condo had always been in her name, their accounts weren’t joined, there wasn’t a second divorce decree to worry about. It was just them, sitting at a table, sipping Chenin Blanc and watching the world.
“So what now?” Their fingers were laced together and his blue eyes were full of questions she shared.
“I don’t really know,” Sara replied. “I needed to do this before we lost everything.”
“I still want to … I don’t know … be with you.” He said. “Not just hang out.”
She nodded, knowing, and returning the affection.
“Let’s keep it … what it should have always been. Friends with benefits. And if we find a serious relationship that is supposed to be monogamous, we chat about it.” She shrugged. “I’m not going to stop helping you with your research unless you want me to.”
“You’re the only one who can make sense of my notes,” he said, his voice soft and sad.
She smirked at that. “True.”
“You’re the best friend I ever had, Sara. And I love you.”
“I love you too,” she said. And then tilted her head. “But you see, I’m tired of being your assistant, Gil. Your companion. Rose to your Doctor. It isn’t romantic anymore. And maybe it shouldn’t have been.” She squeezed his fingers. “If we want to get all romantic novel - you belong with Heather. And I belong with Greg. But this isn’t a story. It’s real life and we are meant for … I don’t know, a new path.” She paused, choosing her words as she took a final swallow of her wine.
“I want you to go explore the world. And maybe I’ll join you someday. Or maybe I’ll go back to Costa Rica. But right now, this is where we are.”
He nodded and she knew he wanted to argue, but it wasn’t because he disagreed. He still wanted the control of being the one to walk away.
“I’ve got some notes still to send you …”
She nodded, and for the first time in a while, a smile played at the edge of her lips. “Good. Keep sending them.”
It was awkward. It was going to be. Eventually, she hoped, it wouldn’t be. Right now, though, it was where it needed to be. She paid the bill and the kiss goodbye in the parking lot left her quaking and reaching for her vibrator when she crawled into bed. In the morning, she rose, dressed, and went to work and when she got home, she ordered a pizza, poured some wine, sat on her balcony, and set to work adding her suggestions to Gil’s research notes. She pulled up Skype and he answered and they went over the details for a few awkward minutes but it was easier than it had been yesterday and it would be easier tomorrow.
They were still soulmates after all.
~fin~
A/N (2): Thank you to all of you who have been on this journey with me. I’m sorry it ended like this, but blame TPTB at CSI. I’m not sure if I will do anything else with this universe, but I had to give Sara and Gil the ending they deserved. Something wonderful and bittersweet and honest.
If you were hoping for a romantic resolution for our favorite CSIs, I’m sorry, I can’t resolve the finale with who Sara became. I want to. I want Sara and Grissom to wander off into the sunset. But after devoting 16 years of my life to this show, to writing them as characters, I felt like the writers completely disregarded Sara’s growth. More than that, they gave Sara’s journey to Grissom. She’d gone off to chase down problems, to be a scientist on a mission, and instead they send her back to Vegas and give all of that to Grissom. And that’s fine, but she grows and changes and finds a world in Vegas without him and then they throw her into Grissom’s arms after all but giving the final case to Grissom AND having him confess all his sins to Heather. The lack of growth was insulting.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for putting up with the years between installments. Thank you for being cheerleaders when no one else was. And thank you to Jorja and Billy for these characters.
Fandom: CSI
Series: Sleeps with Butterflies
Pairing: Grissom/Sara
Rating: General
A/N: This is the final installment of the Sleeps with Butterflies series.
Summary: “But you see, I’m tired of being your assistant, Gil. Your companion. Rose to your Doctor. It isn’t romantic anymore. And maybe it shouldn’t have been.”
I love you yes
And I’ll confess
The thought of staying is so enticing
-Greg Serrano (Crazy Ex Girlfriend/It Was a Shitshow)
Seattle was stunning and Sara had fallen in love with the air and the feel and the hipsters as soon as they’d stepped off the train. He was here for an interview, she was here to look at condos (and for a job). For more than a few heartbeats, it had been like that moment in Paris when the world was laid out before them and all felt new all over again. Starting over together in a new city - she couldn’t serve any law enforcement agency under the Trump Administration - and he was willing (willing) to take up teaching, it felt like a gift from the universe.
Only after he had his job and she was having trouble finding work that she realized all they were doing was repeating Paris. She helped him with his research and took long walks in the morning and late at night he tied her to the bed and had his way with her. Rinse. Repeat.
At least this time she noticed the signs. She paid attention. She accepted that happiness was something she deserved, not something she and Gil could strive for. And up late working on his research while he was grading papers and dreaming of the open sea, she realized that they’d only ever been meant to be soulmates, but not partners. Looking away from the document of her notes, she accepted her heart breaking all over again all while celebrating the fact that they hadn’t decided to remarry.
“This isn’t working, Gil.”
He stared at her. She stared back through tear-filled eyes and watched him register that she wasn’t talking about his conclusions regarding insect migration.
“Sara …”
“Loving each other isn’t the same as being able to make something like this work,” she said. “And I don’t want to be sitting here, making both of us wonder why we did this again.”
He was still staring at her and she knew he was feeling betrayed and angry and it was all building up but what hurt him the most in this moment was that he’d always been the one in control. It had been him who courted her and him to teased her and him who put them back together again not just in Vegas but when he showed up in Costa Rica and then again. He liked controlling his relationships. He demanded it. They had never truly been on equal footing.
“I’m sorry, Gil,” she said, still meeting his eyes. Even after he stormed out of the room, she stared after him. She wanted to regret this.
She didn’t.
He was gone two days - sleeping in his office she knew - and when he returned, the anger still simmered. He wanted the control. He hated when his submissives told him to stop.
“Let’s talk,” he said, softly. The portrait of being humbled.
“It won’t change that we’ve tried to make this work for twenty years,” Sara replied. “And I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of being only half here. I’m tired of being your obsession. I’m tired of you being mine. I want to love you without …” she looked around the condo. “Without all of this attached.”
“So what, then?”
“You fell in love with being an activist, with breaking the law, with putting people to shame.” She held back how she felt he’d taken that from her, but he also wasn’t controlling her. She could go out, she could do it too. She just didn’t want to right now. She didn’t want to, yet again, follow him where she’d already been walking. “You don’t want to be confined here anymore.”
“You could come with me.”
“And then I’d still be Gil Grissom’s assistant,” she said. “I’d be your wife. I wouldn’t be my own person.” She sighed, and wished he knew how hard this was for her. “Gil, I don’t know if we were doomed from the start, or if this is just … us now. But you aren’t any happier than I am.”
“Sara … we love each other.”
“And that’s why we need to stop this. Before we stop loving each other. Because I love loving you. I love being your best friend. I love knowing the answer to a theory before you do. And I want to keep loving that. And I know that if we continue as we are, we’ll both resent each other a lot faster than we want to acknowledge.”
Silence. And he left again, as she knew he would. He came back the next morning, sleep deprived and pouting, but there was acceptance in his shoulders.
“Do you regret leaving Vegas?”
That was an easy answer. “No. No. I love it here.” She felt a pang that she couldn’t explain, not to Gil, a longing for a man who, she hoped, was happy in his relationship. A man she should have been brave enough to love. Because she did love it here and she wanted Greg to be in love with someone who matched him perfectly, but if she did have one true regret in her heart it wasn’t that she and Gil couldn’t find some fairytale happy ever after, but that she hadn’t allowed herself to try with Greg.
Breakups needed to be easier. And human hearts needed to make better sense of emotion. She hated how she felt, even though she knew it was necessary.
This time, she left. In the hours he’d been gone she booked a train ticket down to San Francisco. She and Doug were going to a Giant’s game and she’d try to sneak into the Rusty Nickel and chances were she would fall into his bed, but Gil didn’t need to know that. It gave him time to move his things. They would talk when she came back.
She did get into the Rusty Nickel and she did fall into Doug’s bed and it was some of the best sex she’d had in years. They parted as friends, with a promise to perhaps see each other again when they had time. Regrets with Doug weighed heavily on her and she could only look at her history of broken relationships with scorn toward her cowardice.
The condo was half-empty when she returned. Sara spent five days scrubbing her demons, ordering furniture for the spare room, painting walls, and replacing photographs and artwork. She would rip anyone to shreds who came back with “I told you so” or “You were bad for each other.” How, in truth, could soulmates be bad for each other?
It was two weeks later when they finally had dinner. Their favorite restaurant, near the beach, the sunset pouring through the windows. This time, the details were easier. The condo had always been in her name, their accounts weren’t joined, there wasn’t a second divorce decree to worry about. It was just them, sitting at a table, sipping Chenin Blanc and watching the world.
“So what now?” Their fingers were laced together and his blue eyes were full of questions she shared.
“I don’t really know,” Sara replied. “I needed to do this before we lost everything.”
“I still want to … I don’t know … be with you.” He said. “Not just hang out.”
She nodded, knowing, and returning the affection.
“Let’s keep it … what it should have always been. Friends with benefits. And if we find a serious relationship that is supposed to be monogamous, we chat about it.” She shrugged. “I’m not going to stop helping you with your research unless you want me to.”
“You’re the only one who can make sense of my notes,” he said, his voice soft and sad.
She smirked at that. “True.”
“You’re the best friend I ever had, Sara. And I love you.”
“I love you too,” she said. And then tilted her head. “But you see, I’m tired of being your assistant, Gil. Your companion. Rose to your Doctor. It isn’t romantic anymore. And maybe it shouldn’t have been.” She squeezed his fingers. “If we want to get all romantic novel - you belong with Heather. And I belong with Greg. But this isn’t a story. It’s real life and we are meant for … I don’t know, a new path.” She paused, choosing her words as she took a final swallow of her wine.
“I want you to go explore the world. And maybe I’ll join you someday. Or maybe I’ll go back to Costa Rica. But right now, this is where we are.”
He nodded and she knew he wanted to argue, but it wasn’t because he disagreed. He still wanted the control of being the one to walk away.
“I’ve got some notes still to send you …”
She nodded, and for the first time in a while, a smile played at the edge of her lips. “Good. Keep sending them.”
It was awkward. It was going to be. Eventually, she hoped, it wouldn’t be. Right now, though, it was where it needed to be. She paid the bill and the kiss goodbye in the parking lot left her quaking and reaching for her vibrator when she crawled into bed. In the morning, she rose, dressed, and went to work and when she got home, she ordered a pizza, poured some wine, sat on her balcony, and set to work adding her suggestions to Gil’s research notes. She pulled up Skype and he answered and they went over the details for a few awkward minutes but it was easier than it had been yesterday and it would be easier tomorrow.
They were still soulmates after all.
~fin~
A/N (2): Thank you to all of you who have been on this journey with me. I’m sorry it ended like this, but blame TPTB at CSI. I’m not sure if I will do anything else with this universe, but I had to give Sara and Gil the ending they deserved. Something wonderful and bittersweet and honest.
If you were hoping for a romantic resolution for our favorite CSIs, I’m sorry, I can’t resolve the finale with who Sara became. I want to. I want Sara and Grissom to wander off into the sunset. But after devoting 16 years of my life to this show, to writing them as characters, I felt like the writers completely disregarded Sara’s growth. More than that, they gave Sara’s journey to Grissom. She’d gone off to chase down problems, to be a scientist on a mission, and instead they send her back to Vegas and give all of that to Grissom. And that’s fine, but she grows and changes and finds a world in Vegas without him and then they throw her into Grissom’s arms after all but giving the final case to Grissom AND having him confess all his sins to Heather. The lack of growth was insulting.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for putting up with the years between installments. Thank you for being cheerleaders when no one else was. And thank you to Jorja and Billy for these characters.