Fic: Law and Order SVU - Daylight Fading (Ch. 2)
Series: Daylight Fading
Chapter 2: Potholes
Author: vegawriters
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Rating: Adult
Timeframe: Post Confidential and takes place just before the events in Witness; In my fanon, this series takes place after the events in Angel Seeker.
Warnings: Fallout from rape. Nothing graphic, but it’s there.
A/N: For timeline purposes, we’re going to say that Confidential took place a couple of weeks before it aired. Work with me people. ;-)
Disclaimer: I really wish I could find a way to work for these guys, but at the same time, if I did, I couldn’t take the characters out to play like I do. So instead, I acknowledge that the powers that be of Dick Wolf and Company own these characters and I make no money off of my writings. Well, Ali Ramos is mine and if they want her, they have to hire me. If they won’t let Olivia date Alex, maybe we’ll get Ali instead? ;-)
Summary: Something had changed in just the last couple of months. What had been, even at Christmas, a hesitant commitment fraught with confusion and questions about each other's goals for the relationship was now passionately comfortable. Since September, they’d been rebuilding by what they did best: talking about everything and most of their confessions were made between the bed sheets.
Go easy now
Go easy now
Later on the road I'm gonna lay my body down
We'll meet along the way, I know
Grow straight and true
Grow straight and true
Later on the road is gonna break your world in two
We'll meet along the way, I know
We'll meet along the way, I know
We'll meet along the way, I know
Hem: We’ll Meet Along The Way
* * *
"Five more minutes... I don't wanna get up."
Laughing, Alex yanked the blankets from the bed. Eyes closed, Olivia reached out and kicked, searching for the warmth that had just been stolen from her. "Come on, Via.”
Olivia cracked one eye open. "It's Saturday morning and neither of us have to go anywhere and all you want to do is get up? I think we have just proved that lesbian bed death exists."
With a grin, Alex climbed onto the now-stripped bed and straddled her very naked girlfriend. "Who fell asleep first last night, hmm? Anyway, who said we had to get out of bed?"
Olivia’s purr sent vibrations through Alex’s body. "I like it when you are all revved up like this."
"You fell asleep on me last night."
"So this is my punishment? Having the covers ripped off in the cold, gray dawn?"
"It's ten o'clock, Olivia. I've already gone for my jog, made coffee, and finished my closing in the Henderson case."
"You need to sleep more. I should also leave you sexually frustrated more often." Olivia grinned and rolled them so that Alex was pinned beneath her. "It makes you productive and lets me sleep."
Alex laughed and wrapped a long leg around Olivia's hip, pinning the other woman above her. "But I still have all this energy ..."
Olivia nipped at her neck, "I can think of ways to expend it.” With a laugh, Alex let Olivia lift her t-shirt up and off. It had been a long week for both of them, but she hadn't expected Olivia's exhaustion to take over like it had the night before. Alex had been moving quickly toward oblivion when suddenly, Olivia’s mouth had stopped moving and she’d fallen asleep, her face pillowed on Alex’s breast. "Where was I before I fell asleep last night?"
Alex directed Olivia's lips back to her nipple, "Right there."
Closing her eyes, Alex lost herself in the familiar touch of Olivia's lips. After ten years of knowing each other, nine years of loving each other, and now going on six months of being back together, every touch was somehow new and exciting, even in its familiarity. She knew that Olivia knew her patterns - that her nipples were more sensitive when pressure was applied equally (part of her wanted Olivia to get out the nipple clamps), that she loved having the back of her knees stroked, and that her clavicle was one of her most erogenous zones.
Olivia slid her fingers through the damp curls at the junction of Alex's legs and gently nudged her legs further apart while she slowly moved down Alex’s body. Alex tensed, waiting for the expected touch of Olivia’s mouth on her sex.
Something had changed in just the last couple of months. What had been, even at Christmas, a hesitant commitment fraught with confusion and questions about each other's goals for the relationship was now passionately comfortable. Since September, they’d been rebuilding by what they did best: talking about everything and most of their confessions were made between the bed sheets.
"Move in with me ..." Alex heard herself whisper as Olivia's lips circled her navel. Olivia's mouth stopped its exploration and Alex held her breath, terrified she'd said the wrong thing. Maybe talking wasn’t always a good idea.
"No ..." Olivia's tone was firm, certain, and Alex's heart broke just a little bit. She'd spoken too soon. "No ..." Olivia's voice softened. "Let's not rush it and let's not just pick one apartment over the other." The weight shifted on the bed and Alex opened her eyes to find Olivia mere inches from her face. "Yes, I want to move in with you and do everything we talked about doing years ago, but I want it to be our place - not my bachelor pad and not the place that you've worked so hard to make your own. So let's find a place we can afford together." She paused and her fingers stroked Alex's cheek, "A place that can withstand more than the two of us someday."
Alex let out a slow, shaky breath. The conversation in the hospital, the one they'd had while waiting for word about Hannah, had not been forgotten. "You mean that?"
"Yes." Olivia kissed her softly.
Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck. "I was worried I'd brought it up too soon."
"It's been nine years, Alex. I think it's time we finally committed to each other, don't you think?"
All the pressure Alex had been feeling rushed out of her body. Olivia was classically non-committal when it came to relationships. "When I was first pulled into protection, they asked if I had any family to bring with me - you know, a husband or a child. I told them about you. I begged them to let you have the option. I ... and they told me you had no more claim to me than a boyfriend would. But ..." she took a breath, the sudden confession just exploding from her, "Olivia, I almost told them to shove it. I couldn't imagine life without you."
"At least they were honest with you; it actually feels a bit better to know that Trevor Langan had no more claim than I did."
Alex groaned. "I am never living that one down am I?"
"Absolutely not." Olivia leaned in and nibbled at Alex's collarbone. "And you can give me all the excuses in the world, but you wore that red dress for him."
"Olivia, Trevor is gay!" Olivia cracked up. Her head fell against Alex's solar plexus and Alex ran her fingers along her lover's shaking shoulders. "I could have stood naked on the table and he would have asked me to pass the gravy. It was the annual "come join the firm" dinner we keep having. That we still have, even now."
She heard the laughter in Olivia's voice as the other woman responded, "Yes, but that was the only one I caught you at."
Alex tugged on Olivia's hair and shook her head. "You are impossible, Olivia Benson. And it's one of the reasons I love you."
"I love you too, Alex." Olivia pushed closer for another kiss. This time, Alex didn't interrupt with silly things like conversation.
***
Alex slammed her office door shut and collapsed onto the couch. Thomas Hughes was going to walk. He'd raped two classmates and killed a third and he was going to walk because her very constitutional motions had all been tossed out thanks to the bastard who represented him. She'd almost asked the judge what kind of blowjobs he was getting for his trouble, but only Preston really understood her rather twisted sense of humor. Even Petrovsky who had forgiven her for her indiscretions years ago would have fined her for contempt if she’d dared to actually speak her mind. This new bastard, Greenshirt or whatever, was going to make her life very, very difficult.
In one breath she blessed the women who now sat on the bench, who had fought through discrimination and sexual harassment to pave the way for women like her and in the next she cursed all of them for not finding a way to shut up their chauvinistic peers. This psychopathic bastard wasn't ever going to see trial thanks to the friend of the family judge who’d made his decision. By the time Hughes killed again, he'd be that much further ahead in how to evade the police. The people of New York had just let a serial rapist and killer back on the streets. She kicked her shoes off and tucked her knees up, chewed on her lip and allowed herself ten minutes to sulk.
The judge was wrong. She knew it and the defense attorney knew it and hell, the judge knew it. She felt like a rookie ADA all over again.
Bullshit like this was why she was running for office.
Was she? Was she really running for office? Had she finally made up her mind?
Her eye drifted to the pile of paperwork on her desk. Tomorrow was the filing deadline for City Council. She had enough money to put up a fight for her district's City Council slot. She knew she had the backing of the people around her. She would get a huge following from the GLBT community when she spoke about her own experiences as a lesbian in this male dominated, heteronormative world.
Slowly, she rose to her feet and walked across the room. She picked up the paper Lewis had left for her earlier in the week, but she couldn’t sign it. She’d set up the war chest and start to put her feelers out there, but she wasn’t going to run. If she ran for office now, she couldn’t protect victims from predators like Thomas Hughes. Everything she’d ever wanted was right in front of her, but it wasn’t fear that kept her from stepping forward.
For the first time, she really started to understand that her initial dreams were actually holding her back. Suddenly shaking, Alex picked up the phone and dialed. "Hey ... Liv ..."
"Yeah?"
"What are you doing right now?"
"Um, throwing wads of paper at Elliot."
"My tax dollars at work?"
"Yup."
"Can you come on over? I need ... you."
"What for?"
"I could use a shoulder. The judge just threw out the case against Hughes and we need to restructure.” It was only a partial lie. She just wasn’t ready to tell Olivia the truth about her political decisions. Not yet.
"I'll be there in ten."
"Thanks."
Alex stared at her phone. She needed to call Lewis and tell him. But right now, she had a rapist to put behind bars. The politics could wait.
***
Olivia laughed and poured more tequila into Alex's glass. "Tequila makes your clothes fall off and I want to take advantage of that. So why the hell are you on your computer?"
Alex giggled, a sound Olivia loved more than anything else, and poked around on her new laptop, a laptop Olivia had named Babs. The bright red Product Red product was as temperamental as the bisexual activist had proved to be. "I'm bitching about my sister on my blog."
"And as a result, proving that in the end, we are all whiny teenagers from dysfunctional families?" Olivia was almost sure she'd said the words out loud. She was a little too drunk to tell.
"Something like that." Alex laughed and hit post. "Mostly, I'm sick and tired of Angela's homophobic attitudes. I used to blame her hatred of you on your being a cop. No, she’s really just a bigoted little bitch whom Mom would slap into next week if she was still living. My mother was gay, you know. She married my father because it was the right thing to do. Did I ever tell you that? She stayed with him because in her day, society women didn’t leave their husbands and honestly … my father loved my mother. It was like watching Leonard Woolf moon over Virginia.” She downed another shot and instead of sucking on the provided lime, kissed Olivia instead. Olivia fell into the kiss, savoring the bite of the alcohol and the taste of Alex's tongue. "What?" Alex asked as she stood on wobbly legs.
"I had this image ..." Olivia's head was swimming, not only from the liquor but the revelation from Alex about her mother, "of you shooting moose from a helicopter."
"I am not Sarah Palin." Alex found her phone and keyed through the screen. "I missed a call ... oh ... Ali!" She laughed and coaxed Olivia over and Olivia went willingly. She had every right to be jealous of the artist, but she also knew better. The day she finally got to meet Alejandra Ramos, she was going to kiss her feet and thank her for keeping Alex alive. She collapsed next to Alex on the couch and poured them both another shot. They'd regret this in the morning, but right now, it was needed. She picked up her drink but stopped when Alex's fingers gripped her wrist. Alex put the phone down and hit the speaker button and a numb, empty voice came through the small speakers.
"I need your help, Alexandra. I feel a little bit like Leia asking for Obi Wan, but I don't know where else to turn. I ... I was raped five months ago and I ... when I ... they won't investigate the guy who did it and the Tribal cops don't want to make waves and even the lawyer the tribe sent to help me out is at a loss. I was too scared at first and now I'm too terrified to even go outside. He's everywhere and I'm scared he's going to do something and I need your help. Please, Alexandra. Please. Just call me."
Olivia looked at Alex, who looked back. "I'll get on the computer while you call her."
"What do you mean?"
"You're going out to Arizona. I'll follow this weekend."
"Liv ... I don't ..."
"She needs you, Alex.”
Olivia shook off the alcohol and knew that in the back of her mind, she was still drunk. But she needed to focus. Behind her, Alex's tearful voice promising Ali she’d be there soon spurred her into action. But before she could get her credit card out of her wallet, she glanced over her shoulder at Alex who reached out a hand, needing her, and Olivia went instantly.
***
Alex had never expected to come back to Window Rock. Despite her love of the culture and the community, she’d never believed her footsteps would lead her back to the small town that had kept her safe for the last few months of her time in Witness Protection.
The red pickup truck she’d rented at the Albuquerque airport bounced through each and every sink-hole sized pothole and as she had every day she’d lived in the town, Alex wondered how an area that catered to tourists could still be poor enough to not be able to fill the holes in the road. With the flick of her wrist, she turned down the sound of Tori Amos singing about the untold stories of America. With the other hand, she pressed the down button on the window. This town was meant to be driven through with the windows down so you could wave to your neighbor.
Nothing much had changed. Emails from Ali over the years had warned her of flash floods that had wiped out more of the residential areas, but the hotels still tempted tourists to stay the night rather than drive up to Utah or back to New Mexico. Signs in Navajo and Spanish and English promised the best deals on postcards of the window in the rock. Street signs were unnecessary. Tourists only needed the main thoroughfare and residents knew where they were going.
Three streets past the post office, Alex slowed to a stop and took a left onto the gravel road that would take her the few blocks out of town, beyond the small neighborhood that could be considered residential. The school, in the same condition she’d left it, marked the edge of civilization. From there, miles of desert stretched; the population declaring itself with sun-bleached mobile homes on cement blocks and the rows of cheap-walled housing built after flash floods had wiped out most of a street behind the motels six years ago. Bright blankets shaded porches where little children played. The hard packed dirt made for makeshift basketball courts. Already, with the sun setting beyond the curve of the earth, campfires were popping up between homes and in backyards. The smell of chicken and rabbit floated through the air. And Alex drove on, past the house she’d made her own and down the last mile, to the very end of the road, to a house still draped with bright blankets and decorated with wind chimes.
On the surface, nothing had changed. Ali’s cactus garden still thrived in the shade of the porch; the yard was immaculate despite her beat up ford F-150’s eternally dusty condition. But upon second inspection, it wasn’t the same place as before. The door was closed, something Ali never used to do during the day when she was home. The bowls of food she left out for the desert strays were empty. The stairs needed to be swept and the wicker furniture was in desperate need of repair.
Not quite ready to go inside, Alex picked up her phone and hit the speed dial.
“You made it?”
Not for the first time, Alex thanked God for Olivia’s presence in her life. When Ali had called the night before, in tears and full of confessions she didn’t need to give, Olivia hadn’t given into the jealousy any girlfriend had the right to feel. Instead, while Alex had been listened to what had happened, Olivia had packed Alex’s overnight bag and paid for two tickets to get them to Window Rock. She’d be arriving Saturday morning, giving Alex time to talk to people and settle in with Ali.
“Yeah. Sitting in front of her house. Scared to go in.”
“You’ll be fine, Alex. And it’s okay to let her know you’re scared, you know. You know how it works - let her feel what she’s feeling.”
“You were scared to tell me … I still don’t know everything.”
“And you’ve let me feel what I’m feeling.”
“I don’t know if I can do this, Liv.”
“You can. You flew out there without thinking. So get out of the car, go inside, and hold her. Call me later.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Olivia disconnected the line, leaving Alex no choice but to get out of the car. She stepped carefully from the truck, relishing the crunch of the red dirt under her beat up tennis shoes. It took two steps to climb to the porch and she stopped to brush magpie feathers from one of the blankets on the chair before she knocked.
The woman who answered the door was not the woman who had kissed her good-bye five years ago in the airport. She’d lost unhealthy amounts of weight and her eyes darted everywhere but their intended destination. “Ali …” she whispered, not hiding the tears that came to her eyes.
“You really came …?”
“Where else would I be?” Alex opened her arms and Ali fell forward into them, sobbing. “It’s okay, babe,” she whispered, stroking a hand through Ali’s oily hair, “I’m right here.”
“I’m sorry …” Ali whimpered.
“For what?”
“Not fighting him off … not reporting him … not being strong enough …”
“Shhhhh …” Alex continued to stroke her hair. “Shhhh.” Carefully, she walked Ali back into the house and deposited her on the couch. They sat, saying nothing, Alex gently rocking Ali, until the other woman had fallen into a fitful sleep.
***
“Earth to Olivia,” Elliot waved his hand in front of his partner’s face. “Liv? We’re supposed to be on a stakeout here, not staring into space.”
“Sorry …” Olivia blinked and looked at him and Elliot forgot about the perp they were hunting.
“Liv, what is it?”
“Alex’s ex-girlfriend called last night.”
“Which one?” Olivia rolled her eyes and Elliot regretted his tone.
“Ali. She … she was an artist back in Arizona, one of the places they stashed Alex during witness protection. Alex told Ali everything and … from what I can tell, El, she saved Alex from going completely crazy. They really loved each other.”
“And Alex really loves you, so what’s the problem. Why’d she call?”
“Ali was raped. Brutally, from what I gathered in between Alex’s panic attacks last night. By one of the Bureau of Indian Affairs agents back on the Reservation where she lives.”
Elliot chewed on his lip for a long time. He’d never been in a position like Olivia was in now. Would he be able to worry about someone who had once loved Kathy? He didn’t know if it was in him. So he kept the conversation focused on what they were both experts in. “Some agent lorded his power over her and is now making her life hell?”
“Ali got pregnant and lost the baby. She was too scared to even report it happened until after the miscarriage put her in the hospital. Alex got on a plane to Arizona this morning. I’m going out this weekend. It’s already cleared with Cragen.”
He didn’t know what to say. “Liv …”
“It’s more than being there for someone. You should have seen the look in Alex’s eyes. This morning she was talking about, and I quote, ‘the assholes who use their power and get whatever they want and don’t think they have to pay for it.’ She said that when she was on the reservation, the girls would come to her, terrified because some agent had paid off some tribal cop who investigated a complaint they’d made. Kids turned up dead all the time for mouthing off. It’s a world we can’t even understand …”
“She’s going after the guy who raped Ali?”
“Alex is on a mission, El.”
“Politically?”
“You know what, I think politics haven’t actually mattered to her since she returned from Witness Protection. She’s just been trying to hold on to the girl she used to be but she left that girl behind a long time ago.”
Whatever response Elliot wanted to give her ended on his lips as their perp appeared in the doorway, his victim at his side. “Here we go!” Olivia was already out of the car and he followed, glad to let her take the lead. Seeing her run like this after the injuries she’d sustained earlier in the year made him feel old and completely out of shape. Steps ahead of him, she collared the guy and threw him against the car.
“You’re under arrest, dirt bag. You have the right to keep your mouth shut until your mouthpiece shows up.”
Elliot cracked up. He knew Olivia would clarify the Miranda warning on the way to the car, but watching her throw the guy around was really the highlight of his week. He’d miss this … someday. Quickly he ran up to the girl, who was shaken and bruised. “Hey,” he whispered soothingly, “it’s okay. He can’t hurt you anymore.”
***
What was it about red pickups? Alex watched the beat up old truck rattle through the potholes as it made its way toward her. Ali’s truck had once been red, even though the paint had long been faded by the sun. The setting sun glinted off her own rented truck, the light bounding off of the glass in the dream catchers. She loved sunset in the desert.
As the truck pulled to a stop, Alex stood, shoving her feet back into the cheap, Old Navy flip flops that were resting on the steps. Her thumbs rested in her belt loops, and her hair blew back from her face as Yanaha Kanuho stepped out of the cab.
Alex was familiar with the other lawyer. They’d met two years before at a conference that focused on sexually motivated hate crimes. She’d recognized the turquoise necklace she’d been wearing, one of Ali’s. They’d started talking about Native American artwork and somehow turned it into a heated debate about hate crimes legislation. Alex had pointedly taken the Fox News point of view, just to play devil’s advocate, and the two of them had spent most of the night knocking back beers and arguing. She only wished she could remember more of the physical part of the night, but the alcohol dulled her memory. She did remember the hangover and the kiss Yanaha had left her with before the headed down for the rest of the conference.
“Hey, Alex.” Yanaha shouldered her backpack and offered up a hug that Alex warmly returned. “I wish I could say it was good to see you again. It isn’t my preferred way to say hello to an old lover.”
“Likewise.” Alex tried to smile and failed. “I’m worried, Yanaha. Not just about Ali but about the power this man can wield right now.”
“You aren’t alone.” Yanaha tucked a lock of her hair back behind her heavily pierced ear. “I haven’t had any luck in even trying to bring charges and to arrest now makes it a he-said-she-said and I’m honestly nervous about putting Ali in that kind of a position. The BIA can find ways to hurt her. With no physical evidence, the case is nearly impossible to win.”
“You don’t have to tell me that,” Alex snapped. She sighed. “Sorry. I’m just stressed. I know how difficult it is to prosecute, especially against law enforcement. My partner is a cop and even she wasn’t able to bring charges against the man who attacked her a few years ago.”
“Also a cop?”
“Yeah.” Alex shrugged. “Look, I know it’s a long shot, but Ali deserves justice. She’s terrified of the guy. I would be too.”
“She fingered him. But I can’t order the tribal cops to do anything, especially go after a Fed.”
“I’ve got a good friend in the US Attorney’s office. We might have some leverage with her.”
“She’d be willing to go to bat over something like this?”
“She was willing to send one of my detectives to Bosnia to catch a perp.”
Yanaha smiled and Alex smiled back. “Well, then let’s make the call.”
“You’re willing to stick your neck out like this?”
“I don’t tolerate rape, Alex. And rape of our women by white men…?”
“Hey,” Alex interrupted her, “I know what you’re up against. I lived here too.”
“Then you understand.”
“I’ve got enchiladas in the oven. Stay for dinner.”
“I’d be honored.”
“Ali may not join us. I gave her a sedative when she woke up screaming.”
“Without therapy, the PTSD only gets worse. Of course, she can’t afford therapy.”
“I know.” Alex stepped back up on the porch and Yanaha followed her inside.
***
“How’re you doing?”
Alex closed her eyes and pictured Olivia sitting with her on the porch instead of in her bedroom across the country. “One of the greatest loves of my life is completely broken and I can’t put her together.”
“You know the old nursery rhyme?”
“Humpty-Dumpty?”
“Yeah.”
“Are we really that fragile, Liv? Are we just like egg shells?”
“I think so. We can get stronger, but I think we can’t be fixed up the same way after we’re broken.”
“Are you going to be okay leaving Hannah this weekend? It’s the first time you’ve really been away from her.”
“They’ve got my cell number.”
“How is she?”
“The same.” Olivia paused but Alex waited, knowing more was coming. “You still want to have kids with me?”
“Someday. Why? You pregnant?”
The sound of Olivia’s laughter made Alex feel better. “Not yet. If you’d like I can seduce Fin or maybe one of the guys down in TARU.”
“Don’t even go there,” Alex held back her own laughter. “I really don’t need that image in my mind right now.” But the image of Olivia and Elliot in bed flashed before her. “At least you never … with Elliot.”
“Don’t go there. You don’t need to torture yourself.”
“I’m not jealous, not really. You know that.”
“I know.”
They fell silent for a moment and Alex kicked herself for bringing it up. She wasn’t jealous, but right now, she was lonely. “It’s so beautiful out here at night, Liv. I can’t wait for you to see it.”
“I can’t wait to see the place that saved your life. And as bad as it is for her right now, I want to meet Ali.”
“She wants to meet you. She saw you once, you know. She was in New York for a show and wandered over to the courthouse and you were talking to Casey. She recognized you from one of my contraband photographs.” Olivia’s laughter made her feel better. Alex stared up at the sky, watching the stars. “I’m not running for City Council, Liv.”
“Why?”
“Because I have something more important to do.”
“What’s that?”
“What I’m doing.”
“You can do more for women’s rights outside of the DA’s office, Alex.”
“I know.” She let the comment hang and heard Olivia’s intake of breath. “I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this, so we’ll talk more about it later, okay?”
“Yeah.”
She heard the front door open and glanced back, seeing Ali emerge, still wrapped in the gray blanket from before. “I’m gonna go. Ali’s awake.”
“Say hi for me. I’ll see you Saturday morning.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Alex clicked off her phone and glanced back at Ali. “Hey.”
“Space here for me?”
“Of course.” Alex scooted over and waited until Ali sat down before gently tugging the blanket off her shoulders. “It’s just me, you don’t need to hide under this.” Ali shrugged and Alex just took her hand. “You want dinner? Yanaha and I ate.”
“You met the Navajo crusader did you?”
Alex chuckled, “Um, we’ve met before actually.”
“You didn’t. When?”
“A conference.” Alex waited for Ali to put the pieces together.
“Oh you didn’t, Alexandra. You didn’t.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t remember most of it.”
For the first time since Alex had arrived, Ali started to laugh. “That does make it better, actually.” Ali sighed and rested her body against Alex’s, “She went to Berkley for college, got off the reservation and then came back to help out and started telling all of us what we were doing wrong with our lives. At first it was annoying, now I realize she’s just as frustrated as the rest of us. We need lawyers who understand us. She’s tried to get somewhere on the case but even she had to give up.”
“She doesn’t have the connections I have back in New York. Ali, we’ll get this guy.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“I’m a lawyer, it’s what I do.” They looked at each other for a while before both of them started to giggle. Ali’s walls fell away and she just collapsed into herself, laughing. When the giggles faded, Alex tucked a lock of Ali’s hair back behind her ear and kissed her cheek gently. “When was the last time you took a long, hot shower?” Ali shrugged. “Go ahead. I put fresh sage in the bathroom to steam with you. Go wash off the week, okay? I’ll be here when you get out.”
“Thanks.” Ali smiled a bit.
When the door closed behind her, Alex let out a long, nervous breath. She wasn’t sure if she could handle this.
***
Olivia had seen the pictures Alex had brought home. She’d seen the jewelry and even borrowed a set of Alex’s earrings and she’d spent far too much time on Ali Ramos’ website, staring at images of a woman she knew to be Alex. She owed Ali a debt of gratitude for keeping Alex sane, and sometimes she had to work hard to stomp down on the feelings of inadequacy that Ali’s relationship with Alex brought out in her. It was silly, and so she usually succeeded, but there were times when she just wanted to go back to that time before Connors, before everything had changed.
This, however, was not one of those times.
She stepped out of the passenger side of the truck and blinked against the dust the wind carried through the air. In the distance, she saw gathering clouds, darker than anything she’d ever seen before. Alex followed her gaze, “It’ll be here in about an hour,” she observed, “I’m glad we beat it in.”
This was the Alex she hadn’t known. This Alex went jogging through the desert and hiked up arches and took photographs of sunsets and taught students the importance of civil rights and history. This was the Alex who could tell how far a rainstorm was over the desert. And it hit her that this was in fact the Alex she was now in love with. “Wow …”
“What is it, Liv?” Alex was pulling her duffel bag out of the bed of the truck and hefting it over her shoulder.
“I never realized … just how much of you is still in this place … and how much it’s still in you.” Alex smiled and held out her hand. Olivia linked their fingers and squeezed. “I now understand why you almost didn’t come back.”
“You’ve been in Window Rock for ten minutes.”
“But it all makes sense now. Everything I’ve been trying to understand about you and about why you didn’t want to come back …” Olivia drew Alex close and kissed her. “I’ll read those journals now. I was scared to before, but I will now.”
“Thank you.”
The two words erased any lingering worries she had about being here. She was here not only to support Alex but to support someone Alex loved. The door opened and Olivia glanced up to see a ghost of the woman she’d learned about from photographs. Her eyes were haunted with familiar ghosts and her body wrapped in on itself, hiding from the terrors of the world. Alex lead her up the steps. “Ali, this is Olivia.”
“The famous Olivia.” Ali smiled the nervous smile of an ex meeting a current, but when she stuck out her shaking hand, there was a gentleness in her expression.
Olivia smiled. This was a woman Alex was willing to spend her life with, had wanted to spend her life with. It hit her just how lucky she was that she had Alex back in her life. “The famous Ali,” Olivia responded. “I wish we were meeting under better circumstances.”
“Me too.”
Alex’s phone rang. She checked it and jumped back, handing Olivia back her bag. “I have to take this.”
“I’ll show you inside.” Ali stepped back and Olivia entered the world that had once been Alex’s.
The couch was battered, but comfortable looking. Hand stitched pillows piled up in the corners of the couch and the corners of the room. Woven afghans and blankets covered every sitting surface. This was the style Alex had brought home with her and modified into her own version of Southwest meets New York socialite. Paintings hung on the wall, some Olivia had seen on the website.
“That one is Alex.”
“It is …”
“You capture her beautifully.”
“Thank you.” They stood in silence for a while, hearing occasional words of Alex’s conversation drift in from the porch. “She didn’t have to come … I just needed to relax so that’s why I called her. It was this panic attack that I knew only she could make better.”
Olivia wanted to reassure her, to let her know the feelings were normal. Instead she shook her head. “Alex still loves you.”
They both stared at the paintings on the wall. “I don’t apologize for that.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to.” Olivia searched carefully for her next words. “This isn’t a pissing match, Ali. We’re both lucky to have her in our lives.”
“We’re going to get along fine.” Ali nodded to the bedroom. “Put your bag in there. You both should take the bedroom.”
“It’s your room,” Olivia shook her head, trying not to let herself think that last night Alex might have curled up in bed with Ali. “I won’t take it over. You need it.”
Again, silence. Not uncomfortable, but simple silence, each of them thinking about the only thing they had in common - the woman whose voice was ever rising out on the porch. Olivia looked at Ali. Ali looked back. And they both burst out laughing with the shared nervousness that all women have upon meeting for the first time.
“You have to tell me all the stories she won’t share.”
“Likewise.” Olivia smirked. “Do you know that she owns every Bon Jovi album ever cut?”
“Ever?”
“Ever.”
“Believe me, I can use this in a painting or something.”
Olivia laughed and set her bag down on the couch. “Most eighties music she doesn’t care for, but there’s something about Bon Jovi. He might actually be the only man she’d ever leave me for.”
“Don’t push it,” came a familiar voice. Both women turned to face Alex, who leaned in the doorway. Olivia moved over and slid her arm around Alex’s waist. “That was Claudia Williams,” Alex informed them. “She’s going to make some calls and figure out who we can talk to about securing interviews.”
“Really?” Ali looked suddenly terrified.
“Really, Ali.”
“What about …”
“We’ll worry about evidence and everything else later.”
Olivia laughed. “Now I know you love this woman. I’ve never once heard those words come out of your mouth.”
Alex kissed her softly. “You work for me. It’s different.”
“Wait,” Ali shook her head, “she works for you?”
“It’s the DA’s job to make sure the police does its job. Technically, Olivia is supposed to clear every arrest with me before she does it.”
“Does she?”
“I’m pleading the fifth on that one.” Olivia smirked.
Alex rolled her eyes and then waved Ali to the couch. “I’ll make lunch. You need to eat something.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re eating.”
“Then I’m coming into the kitchen while you’re working.”
“Fair enough.”
“Is she this bossy at home?” Ali settled into a chair and Olivia wasn’t blind to the forced smile or the drifting gaze Ali sent around the kitchen. Olivia allowed her to pretend things were normal. The tears could come later.
“Worse. Remember, I work for her.”
Alex snorted playfully and rummaged around in the fridge for more of the groceries she’d already stocked up. Olivia watched her make her mental checklist and knew that they’d be making a run to the closest real grocery store before they left. Part of her still wondered how Alex had survived here without any kind of supermarket, but watching her easily handle the kitchen, she realized that so much of Alex’s life over the last years had been about adapting and growing beyond the walls of their Manhattan apartments. It had taken arriving in Window Rock for her to see that she still expected Alex to be the same old Alex, just with more experience. In all of her own angst, she’d never allowed for the possibility that Alex really could have changed.
“What can I do to help?” She stepped forward, like they did so much now, falling into the instant rhythms they’d developed in the kitchen. This kitchen was where Alex had left politics behind and it made her understand the conversation they’d had the other night when she’d confessed she wasn’t running for City Council. Alex was right. There was so much more she could do to help women; she just needed to find her cause. Olivia put her hand on Alex’s back and stilled the nervous cutting of the peppers and realized suddenly that Alex was terrified. “Hey,” she kissed her cheek, “go sit for a while. You’ve been on pins and needles for days. Tell Ali stories about me. I’m perfectly capable of chopping up a pepper.”
Alex chuckled and Olivia could hear Ali smile. Alex’s whispered “thank you” was all Olivia needed. “I’m supposed to fill you in on the dirt,” Alex chuckled and stole a piece of pepper. “So let me tell you what she told me, just as she told it to me, about this undercover operation she was on, where she was a woman named Persephone.”
Olivia laughed and listened to Alex tell the story … exactly as it had been told to her.
***
The creak of the door made Alex wince as she stepped out onto the porch. She draped a blanket around Olivia’s shoulders and settled behind her, wrapping her own blanket around her body. “Spring nighttime in the desert. It’s fucking freezing.” Olivia laughed softly and Alex felt better. “Thank you for coming out.”
“You’re welcome. Ali asleep?”
“Yeah. The doctors out in Albuquerque had to finally give her a sedative to knock her out at night. What he did to her was so horrific …” She sighed. “And we won’t be able to prove any of it. It’ll be he said she said and even with the doctor’s report that the damage inflicted was what caused the miscarriage …”
“I can’t believe she was going to keep the baby.”
“Your mother kept you.”
“My mother didn’t have a choice. It was 1968 and rape still wasn’t even prosecuted. Not really.”
“Your mother had means to get rid of you if she wanted and you know it.” Alex kissed the side of her head. “It isn’t so surprising that women keep the child.”
“It is to me. I …” Olivia stared up at the sky. “No, it isn’t. I just … I don’t know what I’d do.”
“I hope to god you never find out.”
“Me too.” Olivia leaned back and Alex tightened her arms around her. “I’m going to run to the store tomorrow. Most of what she needs I can get at the farmer’s market but it wouldn’t hurt to have some old standbys for when we leave on Monday. Tomorrow Mama Grace is going to come by too. And Yanaha, she’s the lawyer working Ali’s case. So maybe we can get another statement.” Alex chuckled, “If I didn’t know better, I’d think she’s got a bit of a thing for Ali too, but probably won’t admit it since she’s working with her.”
“It’s your job to tell her that it’s okay then and that it would probably make Ali feel a little bit better about things - even if it freaks her out.”
Alex chuckled and couldn’t help but wonder about the man Olivia had left after her own assault. Did knowing someone loved you really make it better? She kissed Olivia’s temple and decided it had to. It was the only thing that made any of it make sense.
“We’ll find a way to get this guy. Alex. I promise.”
“I know.” She paused. “Lewis called. They want me to write a book about my experiences in Witness Protection.”
“Do it.”
“No thinking? Just do it?”
“Nike gets it right.”
Alex sighed. “Lewis is going to be disappointed.”
“Because you aren’t running?”
“I’m not ready. No, I am ready. But it’s not what I’m supposed to be doing.”
“So what are you supposed to be doing?”
“This. Sitting here with you, telling stories. Speaking for the victims who can’t speak. Women like Ali who are still persecuted for being dark skinned in a white-run world. I just don’t know how to do it beyond my job yet.”
“When you came into SVU, we had a pool you know. Two months. You’d clean us up and move on and be in the governor’s mansion in ten years. But you stuck it out and you’re damned good and I’ve never see anyone care about the victims like you do.”
“Care? Me? Who will arrest witnesses without blinking and who manipulates the system …”
“You follow the law, Alex. Even when it sucks. As a result, we actually get justice.”
“Can I get it for Ali?”
“I hope so.” Olivia squeezed her arms and tilted her head back for another kiss. “Tell me a story, Alexandra Cabot, about the woman who used to live here.”
Alex smiled. “All right, I’ll tell you. But you have to listen closely and remember every word because a story can only be told the same way over and over again.” She glanced back at the stars. “One day, in the early spring, a woman named Jennifer Martin rolled into town in a black Lincoln town car.”
TBC …
Chapter 2: Potholes
Author: vegawriters
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Rating: Adult
Timeframe: Post Confidential and takes place just before the events in Witness; In my fanon, this series takes place after the events in Angel Seeker.
Warnings: Fallout from rape. Nothing graphic, but it’s there.
A/N: For timeline purposes, we’re going to say that Confidential took place a couple of weeks before it aired. Work with me people. ;-)
Disclaimer: I really wish I could find a way to work for these guys, but at the same time, if I did, I couldn’t take the characters out to play like I do. So instead, I acknowledge that the powers that be of Dick Wolf and Company own these characters and I make no money off of my writings. Well, Ali Ramos is mine and if they want her, they have to hire me. If they won’t let Olivia date Alex, maybe we’ll get Ali instead? ;-)
Summary: Something had changed in just the last couple of months. What had been, even at Christmas, a hesitant commitment fraught with confusion and questions about each other's goals for the relationship was now passionately comfortable. Since September, they’d been rebuilding by what they did best: talking about everything and most of their confessions were made between the bed sheets.
Go easy now
Go easy now
Later on the road I'm gonna lay my body down
We'll meet along the way, I know
Grow straight and true
Grow straight and true
Later on the road is gonna break your world in two
We'll meet along the way, I know
We'll meet along the way, I know
We'll meet along the way, I know
Hem: We’ll Meet Along The Way
* * *
"Five more minutes... I don't wanna get up."
Laughing, Alex yanked the blankets from the bed. Eyes closed, Olivia reached out and kicked, searching for the warmth that had just been stolen from her. "Come on, Via.”
Olivia cracked one eye open. "It's Saturday morning and neither of us have to go anywhere and all you want to do is get up? I think we have just proved that lesbian bed death exists."
With a grin, Alex climbed onto the now-stripped bed and straddled her very naked girlfriend. "Who fell asleep first last night, hmm? Anyway, who said we had to get out of bed?"
Olivia’s purr sent vibrations through Alex’s body. "I like it when you are all revved up like this."
"You fell asleep on me last night."
"So this is my punishment? Having the covers ripped off in the cold, gray dawn?"
"It's ten o'clock, Olivia. I've already gone for my jog, made coffee, and finished my closing in the Henderson case."
"You need to sleep more. I should also leave you sexually frustrated more often." Olivia grinned and rolled them so that Alex was pinned beneath her. "It makes you productive and lets me sleep."
Alex laughed and wrapped a long leg around Olivia's hip, pinning the other woman above her. "But I still have all this energy ..."
Olivia nipped at her neck, "I can think of ways to expend it.” With a laugh, Alex let Olivia lift her t-shirt up and off. It had been a long week for both of them, but she hadn't expected Olivia's exhaustion to take over like it had the night before. Alex had been moving quickly toward oblivion when suddenly, Olivia’s mouth had stopped moving and she’d fallen asleep, her face pillowed on Alex’s breast. "Where was I before I fell asleep last night?"
Alex directed Olivia's lips back to her nipple, "Right there."
Closing her eyes, Alex lost herself in the familiar touch of Olivia's lips. After ten years of knowing each other, nine years of loving each other, and now going on six months of being back together, every touch was somehow new and exciting, even in its familiarity. She knew that Olivia knew her patterns - that her nipples were more sensitive when pressure was applied equally (part of her wanted Olivia to get out the nipple clamps), that she loved having the back of her knees stroked, and that her clavicle was one of her most erogenous zones.
Olivia slid her fingers through the damp curls at the junction of Alex's legs and gently nudged her legs further apart while she slowly moved down Alex’s body. Alex tensed, waiting for the expected touch of Olivia’s mouth on her sex.
Something had changed in just the last couple of months. What had been, even at Christmas, a hesitant commitment fraught with confusion and questions about each other's goals for the relationship was now passionately comfortable. Since September, they’d been rebuilding by what they did best: talking about everything and most of their confessions were made between the bed sheets.
"Move in with me ..." Alex heard herself whisper as Olivia's lips circled her navel. Olivia's mouth stopped its exploration and Alex held her breath, terrified she'd said the wrong thing. Maybe talking wasn’t always a good idea.
"No ..." Olivia's tone was firm, certain, and Alex's heart broke just a little bit. She'd spoken too soon. "No ..." Olivia's voice softened. "Let's not rush it and let's not just pick one apartment over the other." The weight shifted on the bed and Alex opened her eyes to find Olivia mere inches from her face. "Yes, I want to move in with you and do everything we talked about doing years ago, but I want it to be our place - not my bachelor pad and not the place that you've worked so hard to make your own. So let's find a place we can afford together." She paused and her fingers stroked Alex's cheek, "A place that can withstand more than the two of us someday."
Alex let out a slow, shaky breath. The conversation in the hospital, the one they'd had while waiting for word about Hannah, had not been forgotten. "You mean that?"
"Yes." Olivia kissed her softly.
Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck. "I was worried I'd brought it up too soon."
"It's been nine years, Alex. I think it's time we finally committed to each other, don't you think?"
All the pressure Alex had been feeling rushed out of her body. Olivia was classically non-committal when it came to relationships. "When I was first pulled into protection, they asked if I had any family to bring with me - you know, a husband or a child. I told them about you. I begged them to let you have the option. I ... and they told me you had no more claim to me than a boyfriend would. But ..." she took a breath, the sudden confession just exploding from her, "Olivia, I almost told them to shove it. I couldn't imagine life without you."
"At least they were honest with you; it actually feels a bit better to know that Trevor Langan had no more claim than I did."
Alex groaned. "I am never living that one down am I?"
"Absolutely not." Olivia leaned in and nibbled at Alex's collarbone. "And you can give me all the excuses in the world, but you wore that red dress for him."
"Olivia, Trevor is gay!" Olivia cracked up. Her head fell against Alex's solar plexus and Alex ran her fingers along her lover's shaking shoulders. "I could have stood naked on the table and he would have asked me to pass the gravy. It was the annual "come join the firm" dinner we keep having. That we still have, even now."
She heard the laughter in Olivia's voice as the other woman responded, "Yes, but that was the only one I caught you at."
Alex tugged on Olivia's hair and shook her head. "You are impossible, Olivia Benson. And it's one of the reasons I love you."
"I love you too, Alex." Olivia pushed closer for another kiss. This time, Alex didn't interrupt with silly things like conversation.
***
Alex slammed her office door shut and collapsed onto the couch. Thomas Hughes was going to walk. He'd raped two classmates and killed a third and he was going to walk because her very constitutional motions had all been tossed out thanks to the bastard who represented him. She'd almost asked the judge what kind of blowjobs he was getting for his trouble, but only Preston really understood her rather twisted sense of humor. Even Petrovsky who had forgiven her for her indiscretions years ago would have fined her for contempt if she’d dared to actually speak her mind. This new bastard, Greenshirt or whatever, was going to make her life very, very difficult.
In one breath she blessed the women who now sat on the bench, who had fought through discrimination and sexual harassment to pave the way for women like her and in the next she cursed all of them for not finding a way to shut up their chauvinistic peers. This psychopathic bastard wasn't ever going to see trial thanks to the friend of the family judge who’d made his decision. By the time Hughes killed again, he'd be that much further ahead in how to evade the police. The people of New York had just let a serial rapist and killer back on the streets. She kicked her shoes off and tucked her knees up, chewed on her lip and allowed herself ten minutes to sulk.
The judge was wrong. She knew it and the defense attorney knew it and hell, the judge knew it. She felt like a rookie ADA all over again.
Bullshit like this was why she was running for office.
Was she? Was she really running for office? Had she finally made up her mind?
Her eye drifted to the pile of paperwork on her desk. Tomorrow was the filing deadline for City Council. She had enough money to put up a fight for her district's City Council slot. She knew she had the backing of the people around her. She would get a huge following from the GLBT community when she spoke about her own experiences as a lesbian in this male dominated, heteronormative world.
Slowly, she rose to her feet and walked across the room. She picked up the paper Lewis had left for her earlier in the week, but she couldn’t sign it. She’d set up the war chest and start to put her feelers out there, but she wasn’t going to run. If she ran for office now, she couldn’t protect victims from predators like Thomas Hughes. Everything she’d ever wanted was right in front of her, but it wasn’t fear that kept her from stepping forward.
For the first time, she really started to understand that her initial dreams were actually holding her back. Suddenly shaking, Alex picked up the phone and dialed. "Hey ... Liv ..."
"Yeah?"
"What are you doing right now?"
"Um, throwing wads of paper at Elliot."
"My tax dollars at work?"
"Yup."
"Can you come on over? I need ... you."
"What for?"
"I could use a shoulder. The judge just threw out the case against Hughes and we need to restructure.” It was only a partial lie. She just wasn’t ready to tell Olivia the truth about her political decisions. Not yet.
"I'll be there in ten."
"Thanks."
Alex stared at her phone. She needed to call Lewis and tell him. But right now, she had a rapist to put behind bars. The politics could wait.
***
Olivia laughed and poured more tequila into Alex's glass. "Tequila makes your clothes fall off and I want to take advantage of that. So why the hell are you on your computer?"
Alex giggled, a sound Olivia loved more than anything else, and poked around on her new laptop, a laptop Olivia had named Babs. The bright red Product Red product was as temperamental as the bisexual activist had proved to be. "I'm bitching about my sister on my blog."
"And as a result, proving that in the end, we are all whiny teenagers from dysfunctional families?" Olivia was almost sure she'd said the words out loud. She was a little too drunk to tell.
"Something like that." Alex laughed and hit post. "Mostly, I'm sick and tired of Angela's homophobic attitudes. I used to blame her hatred of you on your being a cop. No, she’s really just a bigoted little bitch whom Mom would slap into next week if she was still living. My mother was gay, you know. She married my father because it was the right thing to do. Did I ever tell you that? She stayed with him because in her day, society women didn’t leave their husbands and honestly … my father loved my mother. It was like watching Leonard Woolf moon over Virginia.” She downed another shot and instead of sucking on the provided lime, kissed Olivia instead. Olivia fell into the kiss, savoring the bite of the alcohol and the taste of Alex's tongue. "What?" Alex asked as she stood on wobbly legs.
"I had this image ..." Olivia's head was swimming, not only from the liquor but the revelation from Alex about her mother, "of you shooting moose from a helicopter."
"I am not Sarah Palin." Alex found her phone and keyed through the screen. "I missed a call ... oh ... Ali!" She laughed and coaxed Olivia over and Olivia went willingly. She had every right to be jealous of the artist, but she also knew better. The day she finally got to meet Alejandra Ramos, she was going to kiss her feet and thank her for keeping Alex alive. She collapsed next to Alex on the couch and poured them both another shot. They'd regret this in the morning, but right now, it was needed. She picked up her drink but stopped when Alex's fingers gripped her wrist. Alex put the phone down and hit the speaker button and a numb, empty voice came through the small speakers.
"I need your help, Alexandra. I feel a little bit like Leia asking for Obi Wan, but I don't know where else to turn. I ... I was raped five months ago and I ... when I ... they won't investigate the guy who did it and the Tribal cops don't want to make waves and even the lawyer the tribe sent to help me out is at a loss. I was too scared at first and now I'm too terrified to even go outside. He's everywhere and I'm scared he's going to do something and I need your help. Please, Alexandra. Please. Just call me."
Olivia looked at Alex, who looked back. "I'll get on the computer while you call her."
"What do you mean?"
"You're going out to Arizona. I'll follow this weekend."
"Liv ... I don't ..."
"She needs you, Alex.”
Olivia shook off the alcohol and knew that in the back of her mind, she was still drunk. But she needed to focus. Behind her, Alex's tearful voice promising Ali she’d be there soon spurred her into action. But before she could get her credit card out of her wallet, she glanced over her shoulder at Alex who reached out a hand, needing her, and Olivia went instantly.
***
Alex had never expected to come back to Window Rock. Despite her love of the culture and the community, she’d never believed her footsteps would lead her back to the small town that had kept her safe for the last few months of her time in Witness Protection.
The red pickup truck she’d rented at the Albuquerque airport bounced through each and every sink-hole sized pothole and as she had every day she’d lived in the town, Alex wondered how an area that catered to tourists could still be poor enough to not be able to fill the holes in the road. With the flick of her wrist, she turned down the sound of Tori Amos singing about the untold stories of America. With the other hand, she pressed the down button on the window. This town was meant to be driven through with the windows down so you could wave to your neighbor.
Nothing much had changed. Emails from Ali over the years had warned her of flash floods that had wiped out more of the residential areas, but the hotels still tempted tourists to stay the night rather than drive up to Utah or back to New Mexico. Signs in Navajo and Spanish and English promised the best deals on postcards of the window in the rock. Street signs were unnecessary. Tourists only needed the main thoroughfare and residents knew where they were going.
Three streets past the post office, Alex slowed to a stop and took a left onto the gravel road that would take her the few blocks out of town, beyond the small neighborhood that could be considered residential. The school, in the same condition she’d left it, marked the edge of civilization. From there, miles of desert stretched; the population declaring itself with sun-bleached mobile homes on cement blocks and the rows of cheap-walled housing built after flash floods had wiped out most of a street behind the motels six years ago. Bright blankets shaded porches where little children played. The hard packed dirt made for makeshift basketball courts. Already, with the sun setting beyond the curve of the earth, campfires were popping up between homes and in backyards. The smell of chicken and rabbit floated through the air. And Alex drove on, past the house she’d made her own and down the last mile, to the very end of the road, to a house still draped with bright blankets and decorated with wind chimes.
On the surface, nothing had changed. Ali’s cactus garden still thrived in the shade of the porch; the yard was immaculate despite her beat up ford F-150’s eternally dusty condition. But upon second inspection, it wasn’t the same place as before. The door was closed, something Ali never used to do during the day when she was home. The bowls of food she left out for the desert strays were empty. The stairs needed to be swept and the wicker furniture was in desperate need of repair.
Not quite ready to go inside, Alex picked up her phone and hit the speed dial.
“You made it?”
Not for the first time, Alex thanked God for Olivia’s presence in her life. When Ali had called the night before, in tears and full of confessions she didn’t need to give, Olivia hadn’t given into the jealousy any girlfriend had the right to feel. Instead, while Alex had been listened to what had happened, Olivia had packed Alex’s overnight bag and paid for two tickets to get them to Window Rock. She’d be arriving Saturday morning, giving Alex time to talk to people and settle in with Ali.
“Yeah. Sitting in front of her house. Scared to go in.”
“You’ll be fine, Alex. And it’s okay to let her know you’re scared, you know. You know how it works - let her feel what she’s feeling.”
“You were scared to tell me … I still don’t know everything.”
“And you’ve let me feel what I’m feeling.”
“I don’t know if I can do this, Liv.”
“You can. You flew out there without thinking. So get out of the car, go inside, and hold her. Call me later.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Olivia disconnected the line, leaving Alex no choice but to get out of the car. She stepped carefully from the truck, relishing the crunch of the red dirt under her beat up tennis shoes. It took two steps to climb to the porch and she stopped to brush magpie feathers from one of the blankets on the chair before she knocked.
The woman who answered the door was not the woman who had kissed her good-bye five years ago in the airport. She’d lost unhealthy amounts of weight and her eyes darted everywhere but their intended destination. “Ali …” she whispered, not hiding the tears that came to her eyes.
“You really came …?”
“Where else would I be?” Alex opened her arms and Ali fell forward into them, sobbing. “It’s okay, babe,” she whispered, stroking a hand through Ali’s oily hair, “I’m right here.”
“I’m sorry …” Ali whimpered.
“For what?”
“Not fighting him off … not reporting him … not being strong enough …”
“Shhhhh …” Alex continued to stroke her hair. “Shhhh.” Carefully, she walked Ali back into the house and deposited her on the couch. They sat, saying nothing, Alex gently rocking Ali, until the other woman had fallen into a fitful sleep.
***
“Earth to Olivia,” Elliot waved his hand in front of his partner’s face. “Liv? We’re supposed to be on a stakeout here, not staring into space.”
“Sorry …” Olivia blinked and looked at him and Elliot forgot about the perp they were hunting.
“Liv, what is it?”
“Alex’s ex-girlfriend called last night.”
“Which one?” Olivia rolled her eyes and Elliot regretted his tone.
“Ali. She … she was an artist back in Arizona, one of the places they stashed Alex during witness protection. Alex told Ali everything and … from what I can tell, El, she saved Alex from going completely crazy. They really loved each other.”
“And Alex really loves you, so what’s the problem. Why’d she call?”
“Ali was raped. Brutally, from what I gathered in between Alex’s panic attacks last night. By one of the Bureau of Indian Affairs agents back on the Reservation where she lives.”
Elliot chewed on his lip for a long time. He’d never been in a position like Olivia was in now. Would he be able to worry about someone who had once loved Kathy? He didn’t know if it was in him. So he kept the conversation focused on what they were both experts in. “Some agent lorded his power over her and is now making her life hell?”
“Ali got pregnant and lost the baby. She was too scared to even report it happened until after the miscarriage put her in the hospital. Alex got on a plane to Arizona this morning. I’m going out this weekend. It’s already cleared with Cragen.”
He didn’t know what to say. “Liv …”
“It’s more than being there for someone. You should have seen the look in Alex’s eyes. This morning she was talking about, and I quote, ‘the assholes who use their power and get whatever they want and don’t think they have to pay for it.’ She said that when she was on the reservation, the girls would come to her, terrified because some agent had paid off some tribal cop who investigated a complaint they’d made. Kids turned up dead all the time for mouthing off. It’s a world we can’t even understand …”
“She’s going after the guy who raped Ali?”
“Alex is on a mission, El.”
“Politically?”
“You know what, I think politics haven’t actually mattered to her since she returned from Witness Protection. She’s just been trying to hold on to the girl she used to be but she left that girl behind a long time ago.”
Whatever response Elliot wanted to give her ended on his lips as their perp appeared in the doorway, his victim at his side. “Here we go!” Olivia was already out of the car and he followed, glad to let her take the lead. Seeing her run like this after the injuries she’d sustained earlier in the year made him feel old and completely out of shape. Steps ahead of him, she collared the guy and threw him against the car.
“You’re under arrest, dirt bag. You have the right to keep your mouth shut until your mouthpiece shows up.”
Elliot cracked up. He knew Olivia would clarify the Miranda warning on the way to the car, but watching her throw the guy around was really the highlight of his week. He’d miss this … someday. Quickly he ran up to the girl, who was shaken and bruised. “Hey,” he whispered soothingly, “it’s okay. He can’t hurt you anymore.”
***
What was it about red pickups? Alex watched the beat up old truck rattle through the potholes as it made its way toward her. Ali’s truck had once been red, even though the paint had long been faded by the sun. The setting sun glinted off her own rented truck, the light bounding off of the glass in the dream catchers. She loved sunset in the desert.
As the truck pulled to a stop, Alex stood, shoving her feet back into the cheap, Old Navy flip flops that were resting on the steps. Her thumbs rested in her belt loops, and her hair blew back from her face as Yanaha Kanuho stepped out of the cab.
Alex was familiar with the other lawyer. They’d met two years before at a conference that focused on sexually motivated hate crimes. She’d recognized the turquoise necklace she’d been wearing, one of Ali’s. They’d started talking about Native American artwork and somehow turned it into a heated debate about hate crimes legislation. Alex had pointedly taken the Fox News point of view, just to play devil’s advocate, and the two of them had spent most of the night knocking back beers and arguing. She only wished she could remember more of the physical part of the night, but the alcohol dulled her memory. She did remember the hangover and the kiss Yanaha had left her with before the headed down for the rest of the conference.
“Hey, Alex.” Yanaha shouldered her backpack and offered up a hug that Alex warmly returned. “I wish I could say it was good to see you again. It isn’t my preferred way to say hello to an old lover.”
“Likewise.” Alex tried to smile and failed. “I’m worried, Yanaha. Not just about Ali but about the power this man can wield right now.”
“You aren’t alone.” Yanaha tucked a lock of her hair back behind her heavily pierced ear. “I haven’t had any luck in even trying to bring charges and to arrest now makes it a he-said-she-said and I’m honestly nervous about putting Ali in that kind of a position. The BIA can find ways to hurt her. With no physical evidence, the case is nearly impossible to win.”
“You don’t have to tell me that,” Alex snapped. She sighed. “Sorry. I’m just stressed. I know how difficult it is to prosecute, especially against law enforcement. My partner is a cop and even she wasn’t able to bring charges against the man who attacked her a few years ago.”
“Also a cop?”
“Yeah.” Alex shrugged. “Look, I know it’s a long shot, but Ali deserves justice. She’s terrified of the guy. I would be too.”
“She fingered him. But I can’t order the tribal cops to do anything, especially go after a Fed.”
“I’ve got a good friend in the US Attorney’s office. We might have some leverage with her.”
“She’d be willing to go to bat over something like this?”
“She was willing to send one of my detectives to Bosnia to catch a perp.”
Yanaha smiled and Alex smiled back. “Well, then let’s make the call.”
“You’re willing to stick your neck out like this?”
“I don’t tolerate rape, Alex. And rape of our women by white men…?”
“Hey,” Alex interrupted her, “I know what you’re up against. I lived here too.”
“Then you understand.”
“I’ve got enchiladas in the oven. Stay for dinner.”
“I’d be honored.”
“Ali may not join us. I gave her a sedative when she woke up screaming.”
“Without therapy, the PTSD only gets worse. Of course, she can’t afford therapy.”
“I know.” Alex stepped back up on the porch and Yanaha followed her inside.
***
“How’re you doing?”
Alex closed her eyes and pictured Olivia sitting with her on the porch instead of in her bedroom across the country. “One of the greatest loves of my life is completely broken and I can’t put her together.”
“You know the old nursery rhyme?”
“Humpty-Dumpty?”
“Yeah.”
“Are we really that fragile, Liv? Are we just like egg shells?”
“I think so. We can get stronger, but I think we can’t be fixed up the same way after we’re broken.”
“Are you going to be okay leaving Hannah this weekend? It’s the first time you’ve really been away from her.”
“They’ve got my cell number.”
“How is she?”
“The same.” Olivia paused but Alex waited, knowing more was coming. “You still want to have kids with me?”
“Someday. Why? You pregnant?”
The sound of Olivia’s laughter made Alex feel better. “Not yet. If you’d like I can seduce Fin or maybe one of the guys down in TARU.”
“Don’t even go there,” Alex held back her own laughter. “I really don’t need that image in my mind right now.” But the image of Olivia and Elliot in bed flashed before her. “At least you never … with Elliot.”
“Don’t go there. You don’t need to torture yourself.”
“I’m not jealous, not really. You know that.”
“I know.”
They fell silent for a moment and Alex kicked herself for bringing it up. She wasn’t jealous, but right now, she was lonely. “It’s so beautiful out here at night, Liv. I can’t wait for you to see it.”
“I can’t wait to see the place that saved your life. And as bad as it is for her right now, I want to meet Ali.”
“She wants to meet you. She saw you once, you know. She was in New York for a show and wandered over to the courthouse and you were talking to Casey. She recognized you from one of my contraband photographs.” Olivia’s laughter made her feel better. Alex stared up at the sky, watching the stars. “I’m not running for City Council, Liv.”
“Why?”
“Because I have something more important to do.”
“What’s that?”
“What I’m doing.”
“You can do more for women’s rights outside of the DA’s office, Alex.”
“I know.” She let the comment hang and heard Olivia’s intake of breath. “I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this, so we’ll talk more about it later, okay?”
“Yeah.”
She heard the front door open and glanced back, seeing Ali emerge, still wrapped in the gray blanket from before. “I’m gonna go. Ali’s awake.”
“Say hi for me. I’ll see you Saturday morning.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Alex clicked off her phone and glanced back at Ali. “Hey.”
“Space here for me?”
“Of course.” Alex scooted over and waited until Ali sat down before gently tugging the blanket off her shoulders. “It’s just me, you don’t need to hide under this.” Ali shrugged and Alex just took her hand. “You want dinner? Yanaha and I ate.”
“You met the Navajo crusader did you?”
Alex chuckled, “Um, we’ve met before actually.”
“You didn’t. When?”
“A conference.” Alex waited for Ali to put the pieces together.
“Oh you didn’t, Alexandra. You didn’t.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t remember most of it.”
For the first time since Alex had arrived, Ali started to laugh. “That does make it better, actually.” Ali sighed and rested her body against Alex’s, “She went to Berkley for college, got off the reservation and then came back to help out and started telling all of us what we were doing wrong with our lives. At first it was annoying, now I realize she’s just as frustrated as the rest of us. We need lawyers who understand us. She’s tried to get somewhere on the case but even she had to give up.”
“She doesn’t have the connections I have back in New York. Ali, we’ll get this guy.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“I’m a lawyer, it’s what I do.” They looked at each other for a while before both of them started to giggle. Ali’s walls fell away and she just collapsed into herself, laughing. When the giggles faded, Alex tucked a lock of Ali’s hair back behind her ear and kissed her cheek gently. “When was the last time you took a long, hot shower?” Ali shrugged. “Go ahead. I put fresh sage in the bathroom to steam with you. Go wash off the week, okay? I’ll be here when you get out.”
“Thanks.” Ali smiled a bit.
When the door closed behind her, Alex let out a long, nervous breath. She wasn’t sure if she could handle this.
***
Olivia had seen the pictures Alex had brought home. She’d seen the jewelry and even borrowed a set of Alex’s earrings and she’d spent far too much time on Ali Ramos’ website, staring at images of a woman she knew to be Alex. She owed Ali a debt of gratitude for keeping Alex sane, and sometimes she had to work hard to stomp down on the feelings of inadequacy that Ali’s relationship with Alex brought out in her. It was silly, and so she usually succeeded, but there were times when she just wanted to go back to that time before Connors, before everything had changed.
This, however, was not one of those times.
She stepped out of the passenger side of the truck and blinked against the dust the wind carried through the air. In the distance, she saw gathering clouds, darker than anything she’d ever seen before. Alex followed her gaze, “It’ll be here in about an hour,” she observed, “I’m glad we beat it in.”
This was the Alex she hadn’t known. This Alex went jogging through the desert and hiked up arches and took photographs of sunsets and taught students the importance of civil rights and history. This was the Alex who could tell how far a rainstorm was over the desert. And it hit her that this was in fact the Alex she was now in love with. “Wow …”
“What is it, Liv?” Alex was pulling her duffel bag out of the bed of the truck and hefting it over her shoulder.
“I never realized … just how much of you is still in this place … and how much it’s still in you.” Alex smiled and held out her hand. Olivia linked their fingers and squeezed. “I now understand why you almost didn’t come back.”
“You’ve been in Window Rock for ten minutes.”
“But it all makes sense now. Everything I’ve been trying to understand about you and about why you didn’t want to come back …” Olivia drew Alex close and kissed her. “I’ll read those journals now. I was scared to before, but I will now.”
“Thank you.”
The two words erased any lingering worries she had about being here. She was here not only to support Alex but to support someone Alex loved. The door opened and Olivia glanced up to see a ghost of the woman she’d learned about from photographs. Her eyes were haunted with familiar ghosts and her body wrapped in on itself, hiding from the terrors of the world. Alex lead her up the steps. “Ali, this is Olivia.”
“The famous Olivia.” Ali smiled the nervous smile of an ex meeting a current, but when she stuck out her shaking hand, there was a gentleness in her expression.
Olivia smiled. This was a woman Alex was willing to spend her life with, had wanted to spend her life with. It hit her just how lucky she was that she had Alex back in her life. “The famous Ali,” Olivia responded. “I wish we were meeting under better circumstances.”
“Me too.”
Alex’s phone rang. She checked it and jumped back, handing Olivia back her bag. “I have to take this.”
“I’ll show you inside.” Ali stepped back and Olivia entered the world that had once been Alex’s.
The couch was battered, but comfortable looking. Hand stitched pillows piled up in the corners of the couch and the corners of the room. Woven afghans and blankets covered every sitting surface. This was the style Alex had brought home with her and modified into her own version of Southwest meets New York socialite. Paintings hung on the wall, some Olivia had seen on the website.
“That one is Alex.”
“It is …”
“You capture her beautifully.”
“Thank you.” They stood in silence for a while, hearing occasional words of Alex’s conversation drift in from the porch. “She didn’t have to come … I just needed to relax so that’s why I called her. It was this panic attack that I knew only she could make better.”
Olivia wanted to reassure her, to let her know the feelings were normal. Instead she shook her head. “Alex still loves you.”
They both stared at the paintings on the wall. “I don’t apologize for that.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to.” Olivia searched carefully for her next words. “This isn’t a pissing match, Ali. We’re both lucky to have her in our lives.”
“We’re going to get along fine.” Ali nodded to the bedroom. “Put your bag in there. You both should take the bedroom.”
“It’s your room,” Olivia shook her head, trying not to let herself think that last night Alex might have curled up in bed with Ali. “I won’t take it over. You need it.”
Again, silence. Not uncomfortable, but simple silence, each of them thinking about the only thing they had in common - the woman whose voice was ever rising out on the porch. Olivia looked at Ali. Ali looked back. And they both burst out laughing with the shared nervousness that all women have upon meeting for the first time.
“You have to tell me all the stories she won’t share.”
“Likewise.” Olivia smirked. “Do you know that she owns every Bon Jovi album ever cut?”
“Ever?”
“Ever.”
“Believe me, I can use this in a painting or something.”
Olivia laughed and set her bag down on the couch. “Most eighties music she doesn’t care for, but there’s something about Bon Jovi. He might actually be the only man she’d ever leave me for.”
“Don’t push it,” came a familiar voice. Both women turned to face Alex, who leaned in the doorway. Olivia moved over and slid her arm around Alex’s waist. “That was Claudia Williams,” Alex informed them. “She’s going to make some calls and figure out who we can talk to about securing interviews.”
“Really?” Ali looked suddenly terrified.
“Really, Ali.”
“What about …”
“We’ll worry about evidence and everything else later.”
Olivia laughed. “Now I know you love this woman. I’ve never once heard those words come out of your mouth.”
Alex kissed her softly. “You work for me. It’s different.”
“Wait,” Ali shook her head, “she works for you?”
“It’s the DA’s job to make sure the police does its job. Technically, Olivia is supposed to clear every arrest with me before she does it.”
“Does she?”
“I’m pleading the fifth on that one.” Olivia smirked.
Alex rolled her eyes and then waved Ali to the couch. “I’ll make lunch. You need to eat something.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re eating.”
“Then I’m coming into the kitchen while you’re working.”
“Fair enough.”
“Is she this bossy at home?” Ali settled into a chair and Olivia wasn’t blind to the forced smile or the drifting gaze Ali sent around the kitchen. Olivia allowed her to pretend things were normal. The tears could come later.
“Worse. Remember, I work for her.”
Alex snorted playfully and rummaged around in the fridge for more of the groceries she’d already stocked up. Olivia watched her make her mental checklist and knew that they’d be making a run to the closest real grocery store before they left. Part of her still wondered how Alex had survived here without any kind of supermarket, but watching her easily handle the kitchen, she realized that so much of Alex’s life over the last years had been about adapting and growing beyond the walls of their Manhattan apartments. It had taken arriving in Window Rock for her to see that she still expected Alex to be the same old Alex, just with more experience. In all of her own angst, she’d never allowed for the possibility that Alex really could have changed.
“What can I do to help?” She stepped forward, like they did so much now, falling into the instant rhythms they’d developed in the kitchen. This kitchen was where Alex had left politics behind and it made her understand the conversation they’d had the other night when she’d confessed she wasn’t running for City Council. Alex was right. There was so much more she could do to help women; she just needed to find her cause. Olivia put her hand on Alex’s back and stilled the nervous cutting of the peppers and realized suddenly that Alex was terrified. “Hey,” she kissed her cheek, “go sit for a while. You’ve been on pins and needles for days. Tell Ali stories about me. I’m perfectly capable of chopping up a pepper.”
Alex chuckled and Olivia could hear Ali smile. Alex’s whispered “thank you” was all Olivia needed. “I’m supposed to fill you in on the dirt,” Alex chuckled and stole a piece of pepper. “So let me tell you what she told me, just as she told it to me, about this undercover operation she was on, where she was a woman named Persephone.”
Olivia laughed and listened to Alex tell the story … exactly as it had been told to her.
***
The creak of the door made Alex wince as she stepped out onto the porch. She draped a blanket around Olivia’s shoulders and settled behind her, wrapping her own blanket around her body. “Spring nighttime in the desert. It’s fucking freezing.” Olivia laughed softly and Alex felt better. “Thank you for coming out.”
“You’re welcome. Ali asleep?”
“Yeah. The doctors out in Albuquerque had to finally give her a sedative to knock her out at night. What he did to her was so horrific …” She sighed. “And we won’t be able to prove any of it. It’ll be he said she said and even with the doctor’s report that the damage inflicted was what caused the miscarriage …”
“I can’t believe she was going to keep the baby.”
“Your mother kept you.”
“My mother didn’t have a choice. It was 1968 and rape still wasn’t even prosecuted. Not really.”
“Your mother had means to get rid of you if she wanted and you know it.” Alex kissed the side of her head. “It isn’t so surprising that women keep the child.”
“It is to me. I …” Olivia stared up at the sky. “No, it isn’t. I just … I don’t know what I’d do.”
“I hope to god you never find out.”
“Me too.” Olivia leaned back and Alex tightened her arms around her. “I’m going to run to the store tomorrow. Most of what she needs I can get at the farmer’s market but it wouldn’t hurt to have some old standbys for when we leave on Monday. Tomorrow Mama Grace is going to come by too. And Yanaha, she’s the lawyer working Ali’s case. So maybe we can get another statement.” Alex chuckled, “If I didn’t know better, I’d think she’s got a bit of a thing for Ali too, but probably won’t admit it since she’s working with her.”
“It’s your job to tell her that it’s okay then and that it would probably make Ali feel a little bit better about things - even if it freaks her out.”
Alex chuckled and couldn’t help but wonder about the man Olivia had left after her own assault. Did knowing someone loved you really make it better? She kissed Olivia’s temple and decided it had to. It was the only thing that made any of it make sense.
“We’ll find a way to get this guy. Alex. I promise.”
“I know.” She paused. “Lewis called. They want me to write a book about my experiences in Witness Protection.”
“Do it.”
“No thinking? Just do it?”
“Nike gets it right.”
Alex sighed. “Lewis is going to be disappointed.”
“Because you aren’t running?”
“I’m not ready. No, I am ready. But it’s not what I’m supposed to be doing.”
“So what are you supposed to be doing?”
“This. Sitting here with you, telling stories. Speaking for the victims who can’t speak. Women like Ali who are still persecuted for being dark skinned in a white-run world. I just don’t know how to do it beyond my job yet.”
“When you came into SVU, we had a pool you know. Two months. You’d clean us up and move on and be in the governor’s mansion in ten years. But you stuck it out and you’re damned good and I’ve never see anyone care about the victims like you do.”
“Care? Me? Who will arrest witnesses without blinking and who manipulates the system …”
“You follow the law, Alex. Even when it sucks. As a result, we actually get justice.”
“Can I get it for Ali?”
“I hope so.” Olivia squeezed her arms and tilted her head back for another kiss. “Tell me a story, Alexandra Cabot, about the woman who used to live here.”
Alex smiled. “All right, I’ll tell you. But you have to listen closely and remember every word because a story can only be told the same way over and over again.” She glanced back at the stars. “One day, in the early spring, a woman named Jennifer Martin rolled into town in a black Lincoln town car.”
TBC …