fic: Haven
Title: Haven
Author: vegawriters
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Series: Imzadi
Pairing: Deanna Troi/Will Riker
Rating: Adult
Timeframe: post Haven (season 1)
A/N: This is my attempt to fix the disaster that is the absolutely confusing history of Will and Deanna, and also bring in some of the other history of what was happening in the Federation at the time of them meeting. In homage to the original Imzadi novel, some elements of that story are being kept. Like the Xerx wedding. We're getting rid of the damsel in distress bullshit and accepting that Deanna is a fully realized human being before she meets Will Riker. Also, on an actual writer note, I don't write my installments in chronological order. So please check the series order.
Timeline Notes: According to Memory Alpha, Deanna Troi and Will Riker meet on Betazed in 2359, shortly after her graduation from Starfleet Academy. I'm making a small amendment to that timeline, putting them on Betazed together from 2360-2362, given that Memory Alpha's timeline for Will is not quite as specific. They are assigned to the Enterprise together in 2364.
Disclaimer: There was a time when Star Trek published fanfiction and they hired unagented writers. Those times are (mostly) gone. So here I am, making no money, and loving every minute of this exploration. But, that being said, if the powers that be would like to make my stuff canon, I’m always taking calls.
Summary: She had nothing to be upset about. She had never wanted to marry Wyatt Miller. He’d been a dream her mother told her about, one her grandfather had scoffed at.
The secret was that in the depths of space, sometimes the stars were too far apart to see any light. Sometimes, the void was so constant and oppressive that captains would take ships to warp just for light outside the viewports. The secret was that sometimes, they set courses for planets if only for the point of light of a star system. Deanna’s secret was that as much as she loved Starfleet and the nomadic life given to her by her life among the stars, she all too often suffocated beneath the blank nothing of the universe outside the window ports in her quarters. Tonight, she could only force herself to keep breathing as she watched the gentle blue of Pacifica grow smaller and smaller before they headed to warp. At least the streak of the warp field was a gentle comfort of light.
She had nothing to be upset about. She had never wanted to marry Wyatt Miller. He’d been a dream her mother told her about, one her grandfather had scoffed at. As a child, she’d flattened herself against the wall of the estate in K’Jal, listening to the adults fight. Ian Andrew is dead, Lwaxana! And with his death, you should sever the bonding with the human child. Your daughter must marry a Betazoid. We have a lineage.
More than once, they’d all realized she was there at the same moment and the silence in her head had deafened her. To this day, she found herself wondering sometimes if she had truly been enough for her grandparents. She knew now her father never had been. So she’d done the only logical thing to do. She’d taken to the stars, she’d followed her father to the fleet, she’d chased the ghost of a man she only half remembered. If Wyatt Miller wanted to track her down out between Pacifica and Bajor, it was up to him. She didn’t need traditions that her family embraced because it was expected. She didn’t need some human cluttering up her lines. She didn’t need anyone. She studied on Earth and Vulcan and Andor. She danced with beautiful men and women in moonlit gardens. She’d sailed on starships and found grounding for refugees and made the worst mistake of her life. She’d fallen for a human, a man with the kindest soul she’d ever encountered, a man who adored her as much as she loved him. She’d even allowed herself the daydream that if her family would allow her to marry Wyatt Miller, they’d welcome William Riker.
She hadn’t intended for the bond to come, but she was lying to herself if she hadn’t hoped. Every story of Imzadi that she’d absorbed as a little girl, every friend who gushed about the connection they had to their bonded, every romance novel she’d devoured, even her mother’s lingering devotion to the ghost of the man who had once had half her soul, Deanna had wanted it. She swore she felt it with Will. The night he’d kissed her in the pale pink twilight of Jala Park, wrapping his arms around her, she’d felt his mind brush hers. They’d jumped apart at the same time, eyes locked, and he looked like she’d punched him.
“I …” He'd gasped in confusion. But she felt the word more than heard it.
Us … she’d projected back to him.
Her mother had only been happy she was happy, but never gave much credence to the relationship. Her grandfather refused to acknowledge her bond to Will. Deanna hadn’t cared what anyone thought. She was in love. Her Imzadi had touched her soul and they were going to get married once he was settled on the Potemkin. She turned down her posting to the Discovery, asking instead for a near-space assignment. Anything to be near him.
But the Betazoid Gods reminded her that even in a passive way, they had a hand in the turning of the universe and now she sat alone in her quarters on the Enterprise, Iridian Tea growing cold in the cup in her hands. Will had chosen his beloved starships over her and Wyatt had been in love with a dream that came true. The last act her grandfather would do, as the highest ranking member of their family, would be to absolve the bonding. At that point, all of Betazed Society would come pouring in, wondering what the Princess’ plans were. A weight more crushing than the void of stars outside the viewport waited at home and she only wanted to fly alone through the stars until the Gods came for her soul. Did she need to even be there for the bonding to be dissolved? Couldn’t her grandfather just burn the damn scrolls and be done with it?
It took effort, but she set the cold tea down on the coffee table and rose, pulling the pins from her hair as she did so. With each pin, a lock of hair flowed down over her shoulders. Gently, she removed the headpiece that held her curls in place. Always so staid and professional around her shipmates, never a hair out of place. She’d learned long ago that if she was anything but perfectly put together, whispers followed her.
What was a Daughter of the 5th House, anyway?
There were reasons she winced every time her mother came near her postings. Her mother demanded recognition for her place in society. Deanna just wanted to exist. She wanted to counsel people and travel the stars and maybe help smooth relations between warring systems so that what was happening to the Bajoran people would never happen again to anyone else.
“I wish I wasn’t being sent away like this,” her father had told her one night. They sat alone on the porch at the house at Lake El’Nar, watching the stars twinkle above. She’d been fighting and crying, angry that he was being sent away. Even her mother was angry. Her empathic powers were barely starting to form, her emotional state just beginning to come to being, but she’d known how upset everyone in the house was. She’d heard her mother scream You won’t come back! You know what they do to their prisoners!
“What’s do you mean, Daddy?”
“See, my little one, I’m going away to help defend our people, our borders. There are people who are hurting others and we want to see if we can stop it. But, we can’t stop it if they keep hurting us. But, I want you to remember something.”
“What’s that?”
“Your mommy’s people, they don’t like fighting. They really believe that everyone can come to the table and just be peaceful. But sometimes, we have to fight for what’s right. Sometimes, it means other people get hurt. And we don’t ever want that to happen, but sometimes it has to. And that’s why I’m going away.” He pointed to a star. “There’s a ship up there that I’m getting called to go serve on. We’re going to protect other people. We’re going to protect you.”
“Do you like fighting, Daddy?”
He’d crushed her to him then. “Oh, my Princess. No. I want to build things, not tear them down. But sometimes, the universe isn’t so simple.”
She hadn’t understood anything other than how scared her parents were. It wasn’t until she’d clung to Will one last time before the Potemkin beamed him away that she’d understood her mother’s terror that last night at the lake. She’d crept from bed to find her parents wrapped in a sheet, holding each other in perfect stillness. Her mother had turned and opened her arms and they’d stayed there until the sun rose and her father’s comm badge chirped. He’d kissed her one last time and vanished in a twinkle of blue transporter light and he’d never come home. When she was honest with herself, Deanna let herself wonder if one of the reasons she was out here wasn’t just for exploration but in hopes of finding her father. Someday. Despite her mother knowing, truly knowing, that Ian Andrew Troi was dead, Deanna still looked for him around corners in engine rooms.
Careful hands folded her gray uniform into a tight square and she placed it in the matter reclimator along with the chameleon rose Wyatt had given her. In the morning, she’d most likely regret the impulsive choice, but right now she only wanted to erase the memory of a man she’d never wanted near her in the first place. Standing in front of her closet, she selected her favorite pink silk nightgown and slipped the loose, flowing fabric over her head.
A broken engagement was nothing to fret like this over. This was her second, after all. She should be used to it by now.
Selecting her comb from the dresser, Deanna moved back to her bed and worked the stone teeth through her curls. When they were as tangle free as she ever had them, she pulled her hair over her shoulder, braided it, and secured it with a black tie.
Everything went back in its place. The comb to the dresser, the tea to the replicator. “Computer,” she murmured, “holographic candle program Troi-4.” Instantly, the light in her quarters dimmed, replaced by strategically placed holographic candles that so mimicked the real thing she could smell the wax melting. Deanna took a breath, grabbed a pillow, and sank onto the floor in front of the candle on the coffee table. A meditation would clear her mind. She’d get herself together and tomorrow be ready to face a world that had far greater needs than a simple broken heart.
Still, when the chime sounded at her door, she admitted a moment of relief that she wouldn’t be alone. Even if the person standing on the other side of the door was the one person she was most terrified to see. Why couldn’t Tasha have sought her out or Beverly come to her for gossip? Why was it him?
She knew why.
“Come in,” she called, staying on her pillow, drawing her knees up to her chest as she stared into the holographic flame. The door wooshed open and then shut again and Deanna held still, playing the waiting game, seeing which of them would speak first. It was a dumb game to play with two people who could read each other telepathically, but she was tired and suddenly rather petty. If he’d met her on Risa, if they’d married, none of this would have happened. Worse, she could sense in him that even now, he was even more devoted to this idea of his dream being something he had to achieve on his own, rather than with her at his side. “What can I do for you, Commander?” She finally asked, breaking the silent stalemate. His emotions flared, washing a ribbon of anger and frustration over her. She didn’t move. Didn’t look at him.
“Commander?” His tone revealed his inner state.
Deanna shrugged and cursed the tears that welled up in her eyes. It wasn’t his fault. Not completely. Starfleet’s expectations for their captains wasn’t an easy path to navigate. But he sat next to her on the floor and looked into the flame of the holographic candle and for a long, long time, they were silent. After she’d lost count of her heartbeats, Will reached over and took her hand in his.
“I’m sorry, Deanna.”
Slowly, she curled her fingers around his and released a breath she hadn’t wanted to be holding in the first place. Some of the tension in her shoulders loosened and she finally looked at the man she still considered her deepest love. “Me too,” she confessed. “Not just about Wyatt, either.”
“Would you have married him?”
She let out a long breath and stood up, moving to the window. The ship sped to its next destination and the warp field streaked around them. A kaleidoscope of pink and green shot past, revealing a brief fluctuation in the field. “Yes,” she said. “I would have.” The hurt that came from him almost bowled her over. Deanna watched the light outside, seeing Will’s reflection in the viewport. Finally, she turned to him and met his blue eyes, a gaze so alien from her own. “If I’d told you about Wyatt then, back when we were together, would you still have ended our engagement?”
He didn’t like the question. She could feel him shifting, feel his nerves. He wanted to be above jealousy, above possessive behavior, but he was still, truly, human. “I don’t know,” he said, his voice low and full of shame. “I’ll admit … knowing you were out here …”
“I never said I would wait for you, Will.”
“I didn’t think I expected you to.”
The holographic candles threw light around the room, responding to an algorithm in the program that opted for gusts of air. Deanna watched the shadows, wondering which of them would put their thoughts together first.
He won. “You should have told me about Wyatt back on Betazed, Deanna. It was hard enough dealing with the judgement from your family because I was only human. To know that this … practice … was a thing and that you were bonded to another human … hell, it might have made me feel better. You realize that your grandfather --”
“I know what he told you, Will. I know also that in the end, who I marry is my choice. He might be the ranking member of our family, but the Fifth House is ...” she sighed. The argument was stupid.
“Unless you’re genetically bonded and have vows to uphold?”
“I could have said no. I could have …” she shook her head. “The Bonding does not force people into lifelong partnerships if the other doesn’t wish it. My mother’s bondmate … well. Let’s say it was a failure of a marriage. One doesn’t have to be bonded to be Imzadi.” She flexed on the last word, sending the mental shove his way.
He stood up and paced away from her, using the furniture between them as a barrier. “So why did you say yes?”
Was it childish to admit that even though her reasons had little do to with the duty and honor of her place in Betazoid society, they also had everything to do with it? Was it petty to tell him that if she married Wyatt, at least she wouldn’t have to keep trying to put her heart back together two cabin doors down from her Imzadi. She could be happy on Betazed. She could go back to the hospital and work with the Bajoran refugees and Wyatt could have treated them and it would have been a partnership that took her people into the next Legacy. It was tempting to go down that road. A road that was closed completely now. She tried not to think about how the Millers hadn’t wanted a Betazoid ceremony, how the pomp and circumstance of a wedding of a High House would be swept quietly into the newsreel. After all, she would have been marrying a human, off world, and without the ceremony of a Betazoid Cleric.
“Because I have a duty to my people.”
“You didn’t care much about duty when we were together.”
“Yes,” she counteracted his tone with a terseness of her own. “I did. Everything I did was about duty. I just happened to be in love - not just with Starfleet, but with you.” Will turned to face her, moving slowly across the cabin. She waited until he was in her space, her hands in his, before continuing. “Nothing has changed, Will. Not from our last conversation about our feelings for each other.”
“I want more than to be a Starship captain, Deanna. You know how I feel. You know my reasons. What you said to me in the ready room the other day, it hurt.”
“I know. But the truth often does.” Gently she reached up and stroked his cheek. “I miss you, Imzadi.”
His lips were on her so quickly that she wasn’t sure what was happening until her arms were up around his neck and he had pulled her flush against him. He lifted her as he once had, her legs winding around his hips for support and together they moved back toward her bed. Since coming on board all those months ago, they’d been headed here, and rather than control the moment, Deanna gave herself over to the feel of his mouth on her body, his hands as they explored her, the weight of him pressing her down and open.
He was still in his uniform, which amused her only because she’d heard the junior officers talking, all so sure their CO slept in his boots. Gently she tugged at the zipper, helping to free him, and they both laughed at the awkwardness of undressing. Naked, she stretched out, waiting for him to rejoin her, glad when he chose touch over talk because if he asked any of the questions that were in both of their minds, this wouldn’t happen and they needed it to happen. They needed to tangle together, kissing and biting and teasing as she rose above him and he groaned when she sank onto his length. They moved together, releasing the tension that had been building since seeing each other on the bridge at Farpoint Station. He gripped her so hard he left bruises and she dug her nails into his chest and when they peaked, they collapsed together, sweating and gasping and only once the trembling had stopped did the emotion take over.
Deanna burst into tears.
She buried her face in his chest, wishing she could hide from herself, but his arms were around her and his lips against the crown of her head. The only thing that saved her humiliation was that she knew Will was crying too. When her shoulders stopped shaking, she lifted her gaze to his and reached up to wipe his tears away.
“That wasn’t my plan,” she said. “The tears I mean.” Deanna slid off of him and went to the head, washed her face, and tried to calm her emotions. When she emerged, he was sitting up in bed, pressing his fingers into his eyes. As she rejoined him, he brought her close into his arms. “I’m not sure if that was a mistake or not,” she murmured.
“It’s never a mistake to make love to you,” was his quiet response. “But, I understand what you’re saying.” They were both quiet for a moment before she felt him muster up courage for a question that had been lingering at the edges of his mind for days. “What did you mean, that the human heart was now too small to accept love from you?”
She sighed and ran her fingers across his chest. “I think the term humans use is non-monogamy, but honestly, Will, I wasn’t sure what I was saying when I said it. I was so upset with everything.”
“You wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t mean to. I know you.” He looked at her. “So what, you were proposing …”
Deanna sat up and looked into his eyes. “What I was asking was if you could understand that just because I was marrying Wyatt, it didn’t mean that I would ever stop loving you.”
“I was scared that our link would fade …”
“It didn’t the first time we were separated, Will. We’re bonded, emotionally, psychically, until you don’t want to be. Until you put up the walls. I … never intend to. Not unless you want me to.” She moved, sliding to straddle his lap. His hands moved to her waist to stabilize her.
“I never want to break the link with you.”
“What do you want, Will Riker?” A soft smile quirked her face. “Other than another round of naked gymnastics.”
He laughed, which was necessary for tension relief. It was still so heavy in the room. “I don’t know, Deanna. Because you’re right. I do want to be a captain.”
“So why did you turn down what was offered to you?”
“Because I was given the chance to study under one of the greatest of all time. I couldn’t walk away from that.” He stroked her arms. “Because you were here.”
“I could have been at your side all these years, Will. Don’t use me as a crutch.”
“I know. You’re right.”
She leaned in and kissed him softly. “I don’t think this can happen again?”
“Probably not.” He smiled. “Will it?”
She laughed lightly. “Probably. But not tonight.” They kissed again and she pulled herself off his lap and went for her robe while he reached for his uniform.
He dressed in silence but as he moved to go, he turned back. “This human heart, it isn’t too small, Deanna. Knowing you love me no matter what, it means everything. I want to figure this out, I want to figure us out, but …”
“One step at a time, Will.”
“I’m really glad you didn’t marry Wyatt.”
She smiled. “Me, too.”
Will nodded his head, his eyes twinkling in the holographic candle light, and made his way out of his quarters. As the door closed behind him, Deanna felt the relief and confusion and knew they had a long, long way to go.
Author: vegawriters
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Series: Imzadi
Pairing: Deanna Troi/Will Riker
Rating: Adult
Timeframe: post Haven (season 1)
A/N: This is my attempt to fix the disaster that is the absolutely confusing history of Will and Deanna, and also bring in some of the other history of what was happening in the Federation at the time of them meeting. In homage to the original Imzadi novel, some elements of that story are being kept. Like the Xerx wedding. We're getting rid of the damsel in distress bullshit and accepting that Deanna is a fully realized human being before she meets Will Riker. Also, on an actual writer note, I don't write my installments in chronological order. So please check the series order.
Timeline Notes: According to Memory Alpha, Deanna Troi and Will Riker meet on Betazed in 2359, shortly after her graduation from Starfleet Academy. I'm making a small amendment to that timeline, putting them on Betazed together from 2360-2362, given that Memory Alpha's timeline for Will is not quite as specific. They are assigned to the Enterprise together in 2364.
Disclaimer: There was a time when Star Trek published fanfiction and they hired unagented writers. Those times are (mostly) gone. So here I am, making no money, and loving every minute of this exploration. But, that being said, if the powers that be would like to make my stuff canon, I’m always taking calls.
Summary: She had nothing to be upset about. She had never wanted to marry Wyatt Miller. He’d been a dream her mother told her about, one her grandfather had scoffed at.
The secret was that in the depths of space, sometimes the stars were too far apart to see any light. Sometimes, the void was so constant and oppressive that captains would take ships to warp just for light outside the viewports. The secret was that sometimes, they set courses for planets if only for the point of light of a star system. Deanna’s secret was that as much as she loved Starfleet and the nomadic life given to her by her life among the stars, she all too often suffocated beneath the blank nothing of the universe outside the window ports in her quarters. Tonight, she could only force herself to keep breathing as she watched the gentle blue of Pacifica grow smaller and smaller before they headed to warp. At least the streak of the warp field was a gentle comfort of light.
She had nothing to be upset about. She had never wanted to marry Wyatt Miller. He’d been a dream her mother told her about, one her grandfather had scoffed at. As a child, she’d flattened herself against the wall of the estate in K’Jal, listening to the adults fight. Ian Andrew is dead, Lwaxana! And with his death, you should sever the bonding with the human child. Your daughter must marry a Betazoid. We have a lineage.
More than once, they’d all realized she was there at the same moment and the silence in her head had deafened her. To this day, she found herself wondering sometimes if she had truly been enough for her grandparents. She knew now her father never had been. So she’d done the only logical thing to do. She’d taken to the stars, she’d followed her father to the fleet, she’d chased the ghost of a man she only half remembered. If Wyatt Miller wanted to track her down out between Pacifica and Bajor, it was up to him. She didn’t need traditions that her family embraced because it was expected. She didn’t need some human cluttering up her lines. She didn’t need anyone. She studied on Earth and Vulcan and Andor. She danced with beautiful men and women in moonlit gardens. She’d sailed on starships and found grounding for refugees and made the worst mistake of her life. She’d fallen for a human, a man with the kindest soul she’d ever encountered, a man who adored her as much as she loved him. She’d even allowed herself the daydream that if her family would allow her to marry Wyatt Miller, they’d welcome William Riker.
She hadn’t intended for the bond to come, but she was lying to herself if she hadn’t hoped. Every story of Imzadi that she’d absorbed as a little girl, every friend who gushed about the connection they had to their bonded, every romance novel she’d devoured, even her mother’s lingering devotion to the ghost of the man who had once had half her soul, Deanna had wanted it. She swore she felt it with Will. The night he’d kissed her in the pale pink twilight of Jala Park, wrapping his arms around her, she’d felt his mind brush hers. They’d jumped apart at the same time, eyes locked, and he looked like she’d punched him.
“I …” He'd gasped in confusion. But she felt the word more than heard it.
Us … she’d projected back to him.
Her mother had only been happy she was happy, but never gave much credence to the relationship. Her grandfather refused to acknowledge her bond to Will. Deanna hadn’t cared what anyone thought. She was in love. Her Imzadi had touched her soul and they were going to get married once he was settled on the Potemkin. She turned down her posting to the Discovery, asking instead for a near-space assignment. Anything to be near him.
But the Betazoid Gods reminded her that even in a passive way, they had a hand in the turning of the universe and now she sat alone in her quarters on the Enterprise, Iridian Tea growing cold in the cup in her hands. Will had chosen his beloved starships over her and Wyatt had been in love with a dream that came true. The last act her grandfather would do, as the highest ranking member of their family, would be to absolve the bonding. At that point, all of Betazed Society would come pouring in, wondering what the Princess’ plans were. A weight more crushing than the void of stars outside the viewport waited at home and she only wanted to fly alone through the stars until the Gods came for her soul. Did she need to even be there for the bonding to be dissolved? Couldn’t her grandfather just burn the damn scrolls and be done with it?
It took effort, but she set the cold tea down on the coffee table and rose, pulling the pins from her hair as she did so. With each pin, a lock of hair flowed down over her shoulders. Gently, she removed the headpiece that held her curls in place. Always so staid and professional around her shipmates, never a hair out of place. She’d learned long ago that if she was anything but perfectly put together, whispers followed her.
What was a Daughter of the 5th House, anyway?
There were reasons she winced every time her mother came near her postings. Her mother demanded recognition for her place in society. Deanna just wanted to exist. She wanted to counsel people and travel the stars and maybe help smooth relations between warring systems so that what was happening to the Bajoran people would never happen again to anyone else.
“I wish I wasn’t being sent away like this,” her father had told her one night. They sat alone on the porch at the house at Lake El’Nar, watching the stars twinkle above. She’d been fighting and crying, angry that he was being sent away. Even her mother was angry. Her empathic powers were barely starting to form, her emotional state just beginning to come to being, but she’d known how upset everyone in the house was. She’d heard her mother scream You won’t come back! You know what they do to their prisoners!
“What’s do you mean, Daddy?”
“See, my little one, I’m going away to help defend our people, our borders. There are people who are hurting others and we want to see if we can stop it. But, we can’t stop it if they keep hurting us. But, I want you to remember something.”
“What’s that?”
“Your mommy’s people, they don’t like fighting. They really believe that everyone can come to the table and just be peaceful. But sometimes, we have to fight for what’s right. Sometimes, it means other people get hurt. And we don’t ever want that to happen, but sometimes it has to. And that’s why I’m going away.” He pointed to a star. “There’s a ship up there that I’m getting called to go serve on. We’re going to protect other people. We’re going to protect you.”
“Do you like fighting, Daddy?”
He’d crushed her to him then. “Oh, my Princess. No. I want to build things, not tear them down. But sometimes, the universe isn’t so simple.”
She hadn’t understood anything other than how scared her parents were. It wasn’t until she’d clung to Will one last time before the Potemkin beamed him away that she’d understood her mother’s terror that last night at the lake. She’d crept from bed to find her parents wrapped in a sheet, holding each other in perfect stillness. Her mother had turned and opened her arms and they’d stayed there until the sun rose and her father’s comm badge chirped. He’d kissed her one last time and vanished in a twinkle of blue transporter light and he’d never come home. When she was honest with herself, Deanna let herself wonder if one of the reasons she was out here wasn’t just for exploration but in hopes of finding her father. Someday. Despite her mother knowing, truly knowing, that Ian Andrew Troi was dead, Deanna still looked for him around corners in engine rooms.
Careful hands folded her gray uniform into a tight square and she placed it in the matter reclimator along with the chameleon rose Wyatt had given her. In the morning, she’d most likely regret the impulsive choice, but right now she only wanted to erase the memory of a man she’d never wanted near her in the first place. Standing in front of her closet, she selected her favorite pink silk nightgown and slipped the loose, flowing fabric over her head.
A broken engagement was nothing to fret like this over. This was her second, after all. She should be used to it by now.
Selecting her comb from the dresser, Deanna moved back to her bed and worked the stone teeth through her curls. When they were as tangle free as she ever had them, she pulled her hair over her shoulder, braided it, and secured it with a black tie.
Everything went back in its place. The comb to the dresser, the tea to the replicator. “Computer,” she murmured, “holographic candle program Troi-4.” Instantly, the light in her quarters dimmed, replaced by strategically placed holographic candles that so mimicked the real thing she could smell the wax melting. Deanna took a breath, grabbed a pillow, and sank onto the floor in front of the candle on the coffee table. A meditation would clear her mind. She’d get herself together and tomorrow be ready to face a world that had far greater needs than a simple broken heart.
Still, when the chime sounded at her door, she admitted a moment of relief that she wouldn’t be alone. Even if the person standing on the other side of the door was the one person she was most terrified to see. Why couldn’t Tasha have sought her out or Beverly come to her for gossip? Why was it him?
She knew why.
“Come in,” she called, staying on her pillow, drawing her knees up to her chest as she stared into the holographic flame. The door wooshed open and then shut again and Deanna held still, playing the waiting game, seeing which of them would speak first. It was a dumb game to play with two people who could read each other telepathically, but she was tired and suddenly rather petty. If he’d met her on Risa, if they’d married, none of this would have happened. Worse, she could sense in him that even now, he was even more devoted to this idea of his dream being something he had to achieve on his own, rather than with her at his side. “What can I do for you, Commander?” She finally asked, breaking the silent stalemate. His emotions flared, washing a ribbon of anger and frustration over her. She didn’t move. Didn’t look at him.
“Commander?” His tone revealed his inner state.
Deanna shrugged and cursed the tears that welled up in her eyes. It wasn’t his fault. Not completely. Starfleet’s expectations for their captains wasn’t an easy path to navigate. But he sat next to her on the floor and looked into the flame of the holographic candle and for a long, long time, they were silent. After she’d lost count of her heartbeats, Will reached over and took her hand in his.
“I’m sorry, Deanna.”
Slowly, she curled her fingers around his and released a breath she hadn’t wanted to be holding in the first place. Some of the tension in her shoulders loosened and she finally looked at the man she still considered her deepest love. “Me too,” she confessed. “Not just about Wyatt, either.”
“Would you have married him?”
She let out a long breath and stood up, moving to the window. The ship sped to its next destination and the warp field streaked around them. A kaleidoscope of pink and green shot past, revealing a brief fluctuation in the field. “Yes,” she said. “I would have.” The hurt that came from him almost bowled her over. Deanna watched the light outside, seeing Will’s reflection in the viewport. Finally, she turned to him and met his blue eyes, a gaze so alien from her own. “If I’d told you about Wyatt then, back when we were together, would you still have ended our engagement?”
He didn’t like the question. She could feel him shifting, feel his nerves. He wanted to be above jealousy, above possessive behavior, but he was still, truly, human. “I don’t know,” he said, his voice low and full of shame. “I’ll admit … knowing you were out here …”
“I never said I would wait for you, Will.”
“I didn’t think I expected you to.”
The holographic candles threw light around the room, responding to an algorithm in the program that opted for gusts of air. Deanna watched the shadows, wondering which of them would put their thoughts together first.
He won. “You should have told me about Wyatt back on Betazed, Deanna. It was hard enough dealing with the judgement from your family because I was only human. To know that this … practice … was a thing and that you were bonded to another human … hell, it might have made me feel better. You realize that your grandfather --”
“I know what he told you, Will. I know also that in the end, who I marry is my choice. He might be the ranking member of our family, but the Fifth House is ...” she sighed. The argument was stupid.
“Unless you’re genetically bonded and have vows to uphold?”
“I could have said no. I could have …” she shook her head. “The Bonding does not force people into lifelong partnerships if the other doesn’t wish it. My mother’s bondmate … well. Let’s say it was a failure of a marriage. One doesn’t have to be bonded to be Imzadi.” She flexed on the last word, sending the mental shove his way.
He stood up and paced away from her, using the furniture between them as a barrier. “So why did you say yes?”
Was it childish to admit that even though her reasons had little do to with the duty and honor of her place in Betazoid society, they also had everything to do with it? Was it petty to tell him that if she married Wyatt, at least she wouldn’t have to keep trying to put her heart back together two cabin doors down from her Imzadi. She could be happy on Betazed. She could go back to the hospital and work with the Bajoran refugees and Wyatt could have treated them and it would have been a partnership that took her people into the next Legacy. It was tempting to go down that road. A road that was closed completely now. She tried not to think about how the Millers hadn’t wanted a Betazoid ceremony, how the pomp and circumstance of a wedding of a High House would be swept quietly into the newsreel. After all, she would have been marrying a human, off world, and without the ceremony of a Betazoid Cleric.
“Because I have a duty to my people.”
“You didn’t care much about duty when we were together.”
“Yes,” she counteracted his tone with a terseness of her own. “I did. Everything I did was about duty. I just happened to be in love - not just with Starfleet, but with you.” Will turned to face her, moving slowly across the cabin. She waited until he was in her space, her hands in his, before continuing. “Nothing has changed, Will. Not from our last conversation about our feelings for each other.”
“I want more than to be a Starship captain, Deanna. You know how I feel. You know my reasons. What you said to me in the ready room the other day, it hurt.”
“I know. But the truth often does.” Gently she reached up and stroked his cheek. “I miss you, Imzadi.”
His lips were on her so quickly that she wasn’t sure what was happening until her arms were up around his neck and he had pulled her flush against him. He lifted her as he once had, her legs winding around his hips for support and together they moved back toward her bed. Since coming on board all those months ago, they’d been headed here, and rather than control the moment, Deanna gave herself over to the feel of his mouth on her body, his hands as they explored her, the weight of him pressing her down and open.
He was still in his uniform, which amused her only because she’d heard the junior officers talking, all so sure their CO slept in his boots. Gently she tugged at the zipper, helping to free him, and they both laughed at the awkwardness of undressing. Naked, she stretched out, waiting for him to rejoin her, glad when he chose touch over talk because if he asked any of the questions that were in both of their minds, this wouldn’t happen and they needed it to happen. They needed to tangle together, kissing and biting and teasing as she rose above him and he groaned when she sank onto his length. They moved together, releasing the tension that had been building since seeing each other on the bridge at Farpoint Station. He gripped her so hard he left bruises and she dug her nails into his chest and when they peaked, they collapsed together, sweating and gasping and only once the trembling had stopped did the emotion take over.
Deanna burst into tears.
She buried her face in his chest, wishing she could hide from herself, but his arms were around her and his lips against the crown of her head. The only thing that saved her humiliation was that she knew Will was crying too. When her shoulders stopped shaking, she lifted her gaze to his and reached up to wipe his tears away.
“That wasn’t my plan,” she said. “The tears I mean.” Deanna slid off of him and went to the head, washed her face, and tried to calm her emotions. When she emerged, he was sitting up in bed, pressing his fingers into his eyes. As she rejoined him, he brought her close into his arms. “I’m not sure if that was a mistake or not,” she murmured.
“It’s never a mistake to make love to you,” was his quiet response. “But, I understand what you’re saying.” They were both quiet for a moment before she felt him muster up courage for a question that had been lingering at the edges of his mind for days. “What did you mean, that the human heart was now too small to accept love from you?”
She sighed and ran her fingers across his chest. “I think the term humans use is non-monogamy, but honestly, Will, I wasn’t sure what I was saying when I said it. I was so upset with everything.”
“You wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t mean to. I know you.” He looked at her. “So what, you were proposing …”
Deanna sat up and looked into his eyes. “What I was asking was if you could understand that just because I was marrying Wyatt, it didn’t mean that I would ever stop loving you.”
“I was scared that our link would fade …”
“It didn’t the first time we were separated, Will. We’re bonded, emotionally, psychically, until you don’t want to be. Until you put up the walls. I … never intend to. Not unless you want me to.” She moved, sliding to straddle his lap. His hands moved to her waist to stabilize her.
“I never want to break the link with you.”
“What do you want, Will Riker?” A soft smile quirked her face. “Other than another round of naked gymnastics.”
He laughed, which was necessary for tension relief. It was still so heavy in the room. “I don’t know, Deanna. Because you’re right. I do want to be a captain.”
“So why did you turn down what was offered to you?”
“Because I was given the chance to study under one of the greatest of all time. I couldn’t walk away from that.” He stroked her arms. “Because you were here.”
“I could have been at your side all these years, Will. Don’t use me as a crutch.”
“I know. You’re right.”
She leaned in and kissed him softly. “I don’t think this can happen again?”
“Probably not.” He smiled. “Will it?”
She laughed lightly. “Probably. But not tonight.” They kissed again and she pulled herself off his lap and went for her robe while he reached for his uniform.
He dressed in silence but as he moved to go, he turned back. “This human heart, it isn’t too small, Deanna. Knowing you love me no matter what, it means everything. I want to figure this out, I want to figure us out, but …”
“One step at a time, Will.”
“I’m really glad you didn’t marry Wyatt.”
She smiled. “Me, too.”
Will nodded his head, his eyes twinkling in the holographic candle light, and made his way out of his quarters. As the door closed behind him, Deanna felt the relief and confusion and knew they had a long, long way to go.