[Mini-series] Glass Windows and Sunflowers {1/2}
A request fromkwitch13 and princessyuyu1
Recommended music while reading: Kim Kwang Seok - With the heart that must forget you (either that or Kang Min Kyung’s version of the same song in Immortal Song 2)
Just because writing fics in the wee hours of the morning is sooo fun? ^__^
Beginning quote translated at: kmusiclyrics.wordpress.com
Enjoy?
Glass Windows and Sunflowers
When the awaited beam of dawn comes,
Within my room that is larger than yesterday,
On my illuminated window,
I write and erase the words “I love you”.
-Kim Kwang Seok, “With the heart to forget you”
They met each other in a university club’s initiation party quite a few years ago, Lee Sungmin remembers as he breathes in the early morning scents of Yudal Mountain. The person in his memories, Cho Kyuhyun, is several steps faster in front of him, walking briskly while looking up at the still dark sky.
The fading stars are still visible, slightly overpowered by the fast approaching dawn. Cicadas’ sounds from somewhere permeated the still air as if they are singing a song to welcome the first rays of dawn. Light scents hover in the air and the beam from their flashlights create mysterious little trails ahead and Sungmin thought these trails will probably look less mysterious in broad daylight.
The brownish autumn leaves are crispy beneath their feet and each step they took added an interesting sound amidst the semi-darkness. Stumbling a little, Sungmin winced as he tries to regain his balance. He gave a small whoop of joy at his little accomplishment only to wince once again when he heard a heavy thud in front of him.
“Kyuhyun-sshi?” Sungmin said, noticing that Kyuhyun disappeared from view for a while. He grinned when he heard the other cursing while picking himself up.
“Stupid rock,” Kyuhyun murmured, dusting himself, kicking the small rock that caused him to stumble and fall.
“You dropped your water bottle,” Sungmin bent down to pick it up, removing some dirt that stuck on it before handing it back to Kyuhyun. “Might want to be careful now, Donghae and Eunhyuk got so excited they started leaving people behind and forgot how they need to warn us every now and then,” he reminded as Kyuhyun took his water bottle while mumbling a small thanks.
“How long ‘til we get to the top?” Kyuhyun asked.
“Hmm?”
“How many more hours until we reach the summit of this mountain?”
Sungmin thought for a while before answering.
“Two hours maybe? We’re after the sunrise,” he informed casually and Kyuhyun nodded before walking ahead and trying to catch up with Ryeowook and Yesung who had started teasing each other while trudging the beaten path up Yudal Mountain.
“I met him in a university club’s initiation party,” Sungmin repeated in his mind as he watches Kyuhyun and his bright yellow jacket that is so visible in the semi-darkness. He’s always been the quiet one - Cho Kyuhyun. He had stood in a corner that night during the party, drinking his wine and munching on cheese bars while watching people dancing and stealing scenes. Sungmin didn’t really give too much attention to him. There were a bunch of people in that party who chose to be wallflowers and Kyuhyun was just another person added to the bunch. They were, however, introduced when Donghae decided to get drunk and dragged his close friend Cho Kyuhyun to meet his so-called peers in college.
“Pleasure to meet you,” Sungmin remembered Kyuhyun saying the same phrase as each of the members of the peer group were introduced to him.
“What an uptight man,” Sungmin had thought back then, losing interest as soon as they were introduced. He went back to fiddling with his guitar and talking to Eunhyuk about random things. That was his stance for all those years that he’d known Cho Kyuhyun - knowing he’s there but not really caring much. In spite of being introduced to the group, Kyuhyun had kept mostly to himself, keeping quiet and exchanging several conversations only with Donghae or with Ryeowook and Yesung. He probably exchanged some insignificant conversation with Sungmin throughout those years but whatever they talked about had been lost to both of them and Sungmin couldn’t really remember anything even if he tries to dig further into his memory.
They weren’t friends, after all. Knowing someone and being someone’s friend are two different things and one shouldn’t be equated with the other. Being in the same peer group and sharing the same set of friends didn’t make them friends either. Friendship is a delicate relationship that cannot be born simply because two people happen to share a few similar things in their lives.
“Someone stumbled?” Shindong asked, breaking Sungmin’s train of thoughts.
“Kyuhyun,” Sungmin answered with Shindong falling into a step beside him.
“He hurt himself?”
“I don’t think so,” Sungmin followed the yellow-colored jacket, squinting his eyes a little to look at Kyuhyun looking at something ahead and probably exchanging some kind of conversation with Yesung and Ryeowook.
“Min?” Shindong asked, poking Sungmin a little. Their breaths come with thin smoke as the cold November air creates a blanket of chill around them.
“Hmm?” Sungmin asked absent-mindedly. When he felt Shindong poking him, he turned to his friend and grinned at the questioning look thrown at him. “I was just wondering what made him come,” he said, explaining something he’s not sure Shindong wanted to hear.
“Who?”
“Kyuhyun.”
Shindong raised an eyebrow.
“Because he wanted to come?” He offered and the way the bridge of Sungmin’s nose crumpled told him it’s probably not the answer he was looking for.
“He never really joins us in outings like this, does he? It’s been years since Donghae introduced him and I can count my outing memories with him with the fingers in my left hand,” Sungmin explained, making Shindong laugh. “What?”
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe he wanted to come. Why are you so interested in him right now, anyway?”
Why, indeed?
“I don’t know,” Sungmin murmured, his eyes automatically following Kyuhyun’s every visible movement. Do you really need a concrete reason why your mind suddenly tells you to be interested in someone?
Maybe it’s that damn jacket’s color. Maybe it’s because Kyuhyun had been walking in front of him for a few hours now. Maybe Sungmin is bored. Maybe men are capable of having PMS too and Kyuhyun just suddenly became a momentary apple of his eyes. Sungmin really does not have a clear answer. Maybe after this trip, he would. But for now, he’ll keep an eye on Kyuhyun. It’s really impossible not to since that yellow jacket is visible anywhere.
“You can ask him,” Shindong said. “If it’s really bothering you, go ask him.”
“Idiot,” Sungmin grinned, shaking his head at his closest friend. “Just keep on walking.”
-----------------------
They reached the top of Yudal Mountain just when dawn is breaking through the sky. The view of the harbor and several islands surrounding it look breathtaking beneath the glory of the shyly peeking sun. It looks like a fresh hand-painting with all the gradients of orange and yellow peeking through the black-grayish morning.
“Woohoo~ up here again!” Donghae had shouted, giggling as Eunhyuk stood beside him, shouting down at the world below. Sungmin shook his head at them as he inhales the morning wind, tip-toeing a little for some reason. Hands in his pockets, he enjoyed the almost scentless wind and the unfolding scenery in front of him.
White-grayish clouds settled above them, slightly covering the dawn from view. As Sungmin looks up to momentary study the clouds, he felt someone stand beside him, exhaling a thin layer of smoke.
Kyuhyun.
His yellow-jacket makes him look like some kind of sunflower on top of the mountain, searching for the sun beneath the dawn sky.
“Looks like a finger painting from some amateur artist, huh?” Sungmin casually commented.
“They said Yudal Mountain takes the shape of a mountain wizard with his hands reaching out,” Kyuhyun told him in a quiet voice. “I can’t see it from here,” he added and the last statement made Sungmin chuckle and smirk at the same time.
“Of course you won’t be able to see it, silly. We’re on top of the mountain itself,” Sungmin pointed out as he and Kyuhyun both turn to look at each other at the same time. Kyuhyun smiled a little, the corners of his mouth bending upwards just slightly and Sungmin found himself smiling back.
“Well…,” Kyuhyun answered softly and they fell into this long stretch of silence as the clouds from above finally allowed the blooming dawn to fall through the sky. The scenery in front of them looks as if invisible hands started finishing the painting, diluting the black colors with more vivid shades of red, orange and yellow. The autumn scene started to come alive in a matter of minutes.
“Hyung,” Kyuhyun called, surprising Sungmin a little. That was the very first time Kyuhyun addressed him as that.
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry for not talking to you as much as I should’ve these past years,” the younger man said and Sungmin burst out laughing. Their friends were fighting over coffee in the background as Sungmin laughs from Kyuhyun’s sudden words out of nowhere.
“What was that all about?” Sungmin laughed, pausing a little when Kyuhyun did too. So that was how Kyuhyun’s laugh sound - low, quiet and soothing.
“Good to know you could laugh,” Sungmin commented before Ryeowook’s pitchy voice called them for some lukewarm coffee. “Well then, the hot water Shindong brought must be lukewarm by now. Let’s go get coffee,” he offered and Kyuhyun nodded, following him.
“You think they will fire that old cannon today?” Kyuhyun asked as he follows Sungmin.
“Donghae said they do it everyday at around 11 am? I’m not sure,” Sungmin said, conversing naturally with Kyuhyun and before they know it, they were catching up with each other for those years they spent without bothering to actually share something more than a hello.
“You like the sunrise, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin asked when the sun fully peeked through the clouds.
“Sometimes,” Kyuhyun gave a short answer. “Do you believe in superstitions and things like that, hyung?”
Sungmin looked skeptic.
“I don’t know. Why?”
“They say that if you climb Yudal Mountain when you’re feeling sad and depressed, you’re bound to be happy soon because of the mountain wizard that lives here. You dance along with him as you climb,” Kyuhyun explained sounding wistful and almost faraway. Sungmin looked at him, searching for a hint of joke in the other’s tone. Finding none, he settled for a grin.
“Is that why you agreed to come with us? You’ve been like a phantom member of the group until now,” Sungmin told him, noticing the small shrug that Kyuhyun gave as an answer. “Well… nevermind about that. Are you unhappy?” He asked.
“Eh?”
Sungmin looked nonchalant.
“You sounded as if you were. You know, talking about mountain wizards and all.”
A ghost of a smile once again appeared on Kyuhyun’s face.
“Well, yeah. Sort of,” he gave so little information and Sungmin didn’t push further. They were still not friends, he knows that much. Probably the wall between them crumbled down a little and probably there were lesser defenses than there were before but that alone still did not make them friends. If it does, then half of the world’s population would probably call themselves friends already.
“Well, I don’t know what to say,” Sungmin grinned, stretching a little.
“Me neither,” Kyuhyun said back, eyes focused on some faraway scenery beyond the tiny harbors.
The sun is now fully risen and the clouds seem like they were hovering at the sidelines, waiting to steal the limelight back. Brave birds landed in front of them, picking the crumbs of bread that fell on the soil. Sungmin steals a little glance towards his companion and grinned, feeling as if the atmosphere and Kyuhyun have this silent understanding to be gentle and quiet. He exhaled slowly, closing his eyes and waited for a light sleep to claim him. He really doesn’t get why Kyuhyun is too quiet.
Maybe he never will.
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“So did you ask him?” Shindong asked on their way down, falling into a breathless pace beside Sungmin. There were several shrines scattered on the mountain and the others were busy muttering their silent prayers on the shrine in front of them. Sungmin had his camera on hand, taking snapshots of various things.
“Asked who what?” Sungmin asked absent-mindedly, unconsciously aiming his camera towards a vivid yellow-jacket and pressing the shutter just in time to catch Kyuhyun turning around and grinning at Ryeowook for some unknown mischief he had done. “Well that was lucky,” Sungmin murmured while looking at the picture on his small camera screen.
Kyuhyun’s face was lit up by the gentle yet mischievous smile on his face and sunlight played with the angles on his face in interesting ways. The autumn wind ruffled his hair a little, causing tiny strands to cover his right eye. It was a perfect picture of youth and innocence and Sungmin kind of wanted to print it out label it as ‘silly sunflower boy on Yudal Mountain’.
“Pretty good shot. Why not consider a career in photography?” Shindong commented and Sungmin quickly hid his camera as if possessive of the tiny moment he spent looking at the picture alone. “What?” Shindong asked, confused.
“You startled me,” Sungmin complained and Shindong looked at him, puzzled. “What?”
“Were you smitten by Kyuhyun in between those small talks you shared? Why are you so obsessed over him today?”
“I am not!” Sungmin defended.
“Are too.”
“Am not!”
They were in the middle of such foolish argument when Kyuhyun stepped in on the scene.
“Thanks, hyung,” he said lightly before returning to join Ryeowook and Yesung on some conversation about folk rock music.
“Are too~” Shindong teased, playfully elbowing Sungmin.
“Thanks for what?” Sungmin asked.
“Who knows?” Shindong answered and the confusing topic was soon buried beneath raucous laughter caused by Eunhyuk tripping on a rock and rolling a few steps down a particularly steep slope.
------------------------
Contrary to what Shindong believed, Sungmin was not smitten at all. A week later, when they were back to Seoul and the scenes at Yudal Mountain were now held captive on photo papers, Sungmin resumed his daily routines without truly being bothered by anything supposedly shared between him and Kyuhyun. It happens anyway - this kind of momentary interest in people, this kind of momentary obsession. These things are probably born due to certain temporary circumstances and soon to be forgotten in time. A few days after, a month, a year, they start to form part of a colorful past, soon to fade into sepia colored memories and probably never remembered again.
Until something triggers them once more.
“Welcome~” Sungmin chanted his usual greeting message as the little bells on the shop door sounded. “O-oh,” he gave a surprised little expression when Kyuhyun’s familiar face greeted him. “Kyuhyun.”
Kyuhyun gave a brief smile in return.
“Hyung,” he greeted. “I was looking for a good bakeshop and Donghae-hyung said you make pretty good cakes.”
Sungmin grinned at the usual listless greeting he often heard Kyuhyun give through the years.
“A cake for what?” He asked.
Without intent, Kyuhyun cocked his head slightly to one side and gave Sungmin a gentle half-smile.
“For my sister’s wedding anniversary.”
----------------------------
He probably will never understand Kyuhyun, Sungmin thought as he prepares jasmine tea and watches Kyuhyun from behind the counter. The younger man is staring at some faraway wall, probably lost in a train of his own thoughts. He is smiling unconsciously and his fingers were running smoothly across the mint green table as if drawing secret patterns on it.
“That’s me over there, isn’t it?” Kyuhyun had asked several minutes ago when he saw his own picture displayed on the yellow shop walls. It is the same picture that Sungmin took a week earlier and playfully labeled ‘sunflower boy on Yudal Mountain’.
“Yep, that’s you. I thought it gave a refreshing feeling so I placed it there. You don’t mind, do you?” Sungmin confirmed, watching the subtle changes of Kyuhyun’s expressions.
“Why sunflower?”
“Your yellow jacket,” Sungmin answered vaguely and Kyuhyun pouted a little before sitting on the spot that Sungmin had pointed at earlier. The older man had laughed at the confusing expressions Kyuhyun made. He’s truly as quietly mysterious as he first met him. Even now, as Sungmin watches him from his counter, he still thinks Kyuhyun is mysterious in so many ways.
His sunflower boy had been blowing on the glass window beside him, watching as his smoky breath clouds the clear glass.
“I just cleaned that, you know,” Sungmin commented, placing the cup of jasmine tea in front of Kyuhyun.
“Sorry,” the younger man apologized. “It’s funny.”
“What is?”
“This,” Kyuhyun gestured towards the little cloud that his breath made on the glass. Sungmin turned to look, frowning a little.
“And?”
“One moment it’s there, the next moment it’s gone,” Kyuhyun answered, his voice drifting faraway, the way it did back then in Yudal Mountain.
Sungmin chuckled.
“Well, some things are just like that. They’re not meant to stay.”
“Mhmm,” Kyuhyun agreed, heaving a deep breath. “I wish they would. I wish people could. It sucks, huh?”
“Yeah,” Sungmin said, trying to control his giggles. “What cake do you want, by the way? When do you need it?”
“As long as it’s nice and simple, it’s fine,” Kyuhyun said. “My sister isn’t really picky. Just make it delicious by next week,” he added and Sungmin stayed quiet for a while, digesting the weird rhetoric.
“Hyung?”
“Hmm?”
“Mind if I hang out here everyday?”
“Eh?” Sungmin exclaimed. “Sure, I don’t mind. But why?”
“My face is there,” Kyuhyun pointed at his picture on the wall. “Makes it feel good to know I’ll always be here. I’ll always be remembered here.”
Sungmin burst out laughing.
“Yeah, sure, you weirdo,” he agreed as the laughter slowly dies down when Kyuhyun remained eerily serious. “Kyuhyun?”
“Thanks, hyung,” the other man said, rising from his seat and bowing a little. Sungmin followed him with his eyes as Kyuhyun went out of the shop, tiny bells on the door ringing as he pushes it. He looked up for a moment as if whispering a secret to the skies before looking back at Sungmin and giving him a tiny smile. Sungmin smiled back and waved before going back to his own chores.
Sungmin probably really wouldn’t understand Kyuhyun. He probably wasn’t meant to understand him, anyway.
--------------------------
Kyuhyun loves the table for two near the window, Sungmin observed. He came by the day after his first visit and everyday after that and he sat on the same spot every single time. He likes to come in the mornings, an hour after the shop opens and he orders jasmine tea and blueberry cheesecake every time. Sungmin had developed this strange habit of marking the table as reserved right before Kyuhyun comes so he will have a place to sit on. Always.
Sometimes Kyuhyun would bring his music player and he would be scribbling words on his paper, lost in his own world, hearing his own heartbeat. Sungmin would watch him from behind the counter for a moment before going back to the rhythm of his own life.
Kyuhyun is like a stray note in a song Sungmin is composing. He distorts the rhythm, adds an extra melody and yet Sungmin couldn’t find something wrong about it. Sometimes he thinks he, himself, more than welcomed the intrusion. It’s not like Kyuhyun is intruding anyway. He always just quietly sits on the same table, drinking his jasmine tea, doing various things then leaving with a bow and a trail of tinkling door bells behind him. Sungmin would always give a tiny bow too and return to his own rhythm, as if the stray note didn’t appear; as if it was never written; as if Kyuhyun hadn’t been there.
That was until a week later when the cake is finished, ready to be given to the person it was meant to be given to.
“Here’s your cake~” Sungmin proudly showed Kyuhyun, sitting in front of the other and opening the beige colored box. It was a simple cake covered in white fondant and decorated with intricately designed peach roses made of butter icing.
“There are no words on it,” Kyuhyun observed, pushing aside his papers.
“I didn’t think you’re the type to shout happy anniversary to the world,” Sungmin reasoned and Kyuhyun nodded.
“I like it,” the younger man said. “She’ll like it. How much?”
“Free of charge?” Sungmin joked.
“Don’t give me that.”
“Fine,” the shop owner said, naming his price, watching Kyuhyun’s eyes bulge slightly.
“Are you kidding me, hyung? That’s too expensive for a cake,” Kyuhyun said and Sungmin burst out laughing, slapping his own thighs as he did. “Stop joking me,” Kyuhyun whined, the corners of his mouth shaking a little from controlled laughter. Sungmin continued laughing, shaking his head as he heads over to his counter to make the receipt.
“I hope your sister enjoys the cake, Kyuhyun,” Sungmin waved, handing the receipt to Kyuhyun and watching him leave once again with the trail of tiny tinkling bells at his heels. Sungmin watched, the way he usually did, as Kyuhyun cradles the box with his hands as he waits for the pedestrian lights in front of Sungmin’s shop to turn green and allows him to walk.
There are so many things that are both amusing and mysterious about Kyuhyun. Sometimes, when Kyuhyun is not in the shop and Sungmin decides to laze around, he would wonder why he never bothered uncovering those mysteries throughout the years that he’d known Kyuhyun. It’s quite confusing, really, how two people can spend a good many years together and still truly see each other for the first time after those years. Sometimes no matter how good the eyesight or how sharp the hearing, people fail to recognize impressive things until life itself smacks them across the face to make them notice. For people always only see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear no matter how much they try to deny it.
“You’re still obsessed over him?” Shindong asked late that afternoon, an hour before Sungmin’s shop closes.
“I am not,” Sungmin insisted. “Just curious. He’s been visiting the shop for a week now. Everyday. Without fail,” he told his friend, each word overly emphasized.
Shindong chuckled.
“Maybe he likes the cake,” he joked. “I’m sure I do.”
“Idiot,” Sungmin teased. “Why are you here anyway?”
“You promised we’ll go out and drink,” Shindong reminded him.
“Ah, yeah. Wait until I close the shop, then?” Sungmin said. Early stars grace the cold November twilight and the streetlights light up one by one like blinking nocturnal eyes, waking up from a deep slumber. A thin mist settled outside, signaling the close arrival of winter.
“Looks cold outside,” Shindong commented, opening his cellphone. “Ah. Someone needed to see me. Tell you what. I’ll wait for you at the usual place. I’ll go out and meet someone first,” he suggested and Sungmin nodded, leaning back on his comfortable chair and stretching his back.
“Sure. I’ll be there after the shop closes.”
“See you.”
“Mhmm,” Sungmin murmured. Several minutes after Shindong left, he got up and fixed himself a cup of tea and sat on Kyuhyun’s favorite spot near the window. The cars outside go by in a blur, their owners hurrying towards some kind of destination. Crowd after crowd of people wait to cross the street in front of the shop, some huddled together to shield their bodies from the biting autumn cold. The mist creates little clouds of smoke on Sungmin’s windows and he playfully writes his name on it only to erase it when he realizes how childish it must have looked.
He was still huddled in that corner, quietly sipping his tea when the tiny tinkling bells on his shop door sounded and he got up to greet his surprising customer.
“Kyu…hyun?” Sungmin said tentatively.
“Hyung,” Kyuhyun said in his usual listless voice. His long lashes were suspiciously wet, as if they were leaves in the morning, hosting tiny drops of dews. He was shivering a little, probably from the cold weather outside.
“Wanna eat some cake?” Kyuhyun asked, trying to look innocent while holding a familiar looking beige colored box.
------------------------
There are two slices of cake on the table, each waiting to be eaten as their expectant owners drink jasmine tea silently.
“I forgot they were going to spend their first anniversary overseas,” Kyuhyun offered quietly. Sungmin made a little sound in acknowledgment, as if saying that such explanation is not needed. He didn’t believe it anyway. The red, puffy eyes and the traces of tears on Kyuhyun’s face were enough indications of a lie so badly hidden. But Sungmin thought he was not in any position to ask. People have their own secrets to keep, their own pain to handle and their own problems to solve.
“Too bad,” Sungmin softly commented, picking up his fork and tasting his own cake. “I even made this cake extra special.”
“Sorry,” Kyuhyun apologized softly. “Hyung, I…,” he was about to say something when Sungmin’s phone rang and the other excused himself for a while.
“Ah Shindong,” Sungmin said. “Yeah, I closed the shop already. Just that…,” he glanced towards Kyuhyun who has once again dissolved into his tiny world, eyes set towards the farthest wall and looking like the world has run out of good things to offer. His eyes were almost misty as if treacherous tears are about to fall.
“Min?” Shindong prompted.
“There’s just this special customer…,” his voice trailed off. “Sorry,” he murmured and ended the call. “Wanna go somewhere else?” Sungmin asked Kyuhyun.
“What?”
“Let’s do away with the questions,” Sungmin quickly said. “Wait for me here. I’ll grab my coat.”
“Hyung…,”
“I said let’s do away with the questions,” Sungmin repeated. “Let’s go?”
“Where are we going?”
“Somewhere.”
“Somewhere?”
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They ended up in Yeouido staring at the panoramic view of the bright lights in 63 Building, overlooking the quiet Han River. There are a few people out on that cold night, most of which are families out for a leisure walk after an early dinner.
Sungmin sat beside Kyuhyun, both of them holding steaming disposable cups of strong black coffee. The leaves on the tree behind them made no sound as they fall to the ground, listening quietly to their conversation.
“I don’t know what happened,” Sungmin began gently. “But you know, when I was younger and I get frustrated with a lot of things in my life, my parents would bring me here and we would sit right on this same spot and my dad would tell me to count the floors on 63 Building until I get pissed enough to stop. After my third attempt, I really did get pissed but surprisingly, whatever it is that’s bothering me flew out of my mind as I was counting the floors. Silly idea but it works.”
Kyuhyun softly chuckled. He looked towards the building towering in their view - bright and tall, like millions of fireflies combined together to form such amazing structure born out of human endeavors.
Without saying anything else, he started counting.
“One,” he murmured and Sungmin chose to remain silent, listening to his companion slowly churning out numbers after numbers. A couple of young lovers went passed them in bicycles, their giggles mixing with the November wind.
“Twenty five…”
Sungmin closed his eyes, listening to the smooth voice counting beside him.
Kyuhyun started crying halfway through the fortieth floor and Sungmin opened his eyes, not knowing what to do. The younger man’s shoulders shake slightly as quiet sobs escape his lips, the cause of which remains undisclosed to Sungmin.
“Kyu…hyun?” Sungmin ventured.
“Forty… one,” Kyuhyun continued counting, his syllables choppy with tears. “Forty… two…”
Sungmin touched the other’s shoulder.
“Sometimes, it’s okay to stop and cry.”
Kyuhyun paused, turned to him and forced a smile through his tears.
“Forty three…,” he said and Sungmin had no choice but to sit down quietly and listen. There’s nothing else he could do and no words he could say to comfort Kyuhyun about something he does not know. Maybe sometimes it’s okay to listen. Maybe sometimes you get more when you simply listen. Some things are simply better expressed in silence than in words.
“Sixty three…,” as soon as Kyuhyun finished counting, he sniffed once and turned to Sungmin. “Want to eat dinner, hyung?” He said so suddenly and had Sungmin staring at him like he was from somewhere else before he started laughing.
“Whatever, you weirdo.”
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“Kyuhyun doesn’t really have a sister,” Donghae said when Sungmin curiously asked him on one of their nights out one early December night. He, Donghae, Eunhyuk and Shindong were huddled around one small table drinking soju and eating grilled ribs.
“What?!” Sungmin blurted out. “So he lied?”
Donghae smirked at him and downed the small glass of soju before saying anything else.
“It’s not like that,” he said. “You see, Kyuhyun grew up with his grandmother. That sister he was referring to is probably his half-blood sister when his father remarried after his mother died.”
Sungmin blinked, glancing towards Shindong who was listening intently.
“So… this sister he wanted to give the cake to… doesn’t know he exist?”
Donghae shrugged.
“Probably?”
“Then Kyuhyun…,” Sungmin said quietly, allowing Donghae to finish for him.
“…is a very lonely man?” Donghae asked. “He’s not as dramatic as that, hyung. He’s fine, don’t worry about him. He’s used to it.”
Or so, you think, Sungmin thought. And then reasons after reasons dawned on him after that. Maybe the reason why Kyuhyun had always been quiet and distant was because there wasn’t really anyone to talk to. All of them, his so-called friends, probably recognize his somewhat tragic story but none of them fully understood it. Maybe the reason why he kept mostly to himself was because there was no one else he could rely on. There was no one else to listen, no one there to pat his back and say that shitty things are going to be fine in the end. People all have their own stories to deal with and their own pains to overcome that most of time, they turn a blind eye to what they need to see and only focus on what they want to see.
But not Sungmin. Not him. Because he’s probably the only one who saw such a painful display of emotions on Kyuhyun’s face. He’s probably the only one who felt this tiny pricking in his heart each time Kyuhyun’s gaze turn into faraway looks of sadness.
Maybe, no matter what Sungmin thinks, maybe… he was meant to understand Kyuhyun, after all.
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“Hey, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin murmured on the phone that night after he dialed Kyuhyun’s number. His mind is slightly clouded by alcohol and he’s hovering over that thin line dividing brilliance and drunkenness.
“Hyung?”
“Why me?” Sungmin asked vaguely. “Why come to me? We’ve never been close. We’ve never exchanged meaningful conversations before except maybe that day in Yudal Mountain… why me?”
There was silence. One that stretches for eternity before being broken by Kyuhyun’s quiet voice.
“Because back then, in Yudal Mountain, you were the only one to wonder why I wanted to come in the first place.”
“Kyuhyun…”
“And in spite of my weirdness you didn’t turn me away. We’re not friends, hyung. You probably won’t consider me as a friend and that’s fine with me, because if I suddenly leave and never come back, hyung, you wouldn’t be hurt about it,” Kyuhyun continued, each word laced with a different kind of sadness. “You understood me. That’s enough for me.”
And Sungmin understood him. Yes, he did.
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The snow fell early a few days before Christmas. Cheerful Christmas carols play all over the streets, sending out warm greetings to anyone who stops by to listen carefully. The Christmas decorations are a feast to the eyes and shoppers skip around the busy streets of Seoul with their shopping bags and winter coats.
“Why do you have to buy a lot of things, hyung?” Kyuhyun asked, his hands full of shopping bags as they trudge their way up towards Sungmin’s small rented apartment. Sungmin had dragged him out on that cold afternoon, insisting they needed some kind of emergency Christmas shopping tour.
“I like to give Christmas gifts,” Sungmin explained, fishing his key out of his pockets. The hollow coldness of the place hit their skin as soon as the door opened and Sungmin quickly turned on the heater. “I’ll bring these to the bedroom, you stay here,” he instructed and Kyuhyun nodded, wandering over towards the window.
Sungmin caught him blowing his smoky breath on the glass window, writing words with his fingers and erasing them as soon as he finishes writing. He grinned at the childish act and sneaked behind Kyuhyun, covering the other’s head with a red bonnet he purchased from somewhere.
“What’s this?” Kyuhyun asked, gesturing towards the red bonnet on his head.
“A Christmas gift,” Sungmin grinned. “And they come with matching red knitted gloves~,” he said, waving the red things in front of Kyuhyun’s face. He giggled at Kyuhyun’s expression as Sungmin forces him to wear the gloves.
“T-thanks,” Kyuhyun stammered. “Which reminds me,” he said, moving towards the small sofa and grabbing his bag. “This is for you,” he handed Sungmin a CD.
“What’s in it?” Sungmin asked, studying the cover closely.
“A song,” Kyuhyun gave a short answer. “I was repairing a keyboard from a client last night and I thought it would be nice to test it out and record a song.”
“For me?” Sungmin asked, grinning.
“Mhmm,” Kyuhyun nodded. “A Christmas gift,” he smiled, pointing at his bonnet and the gloves. “Thanks for these…,” he paused, frowning a little.
“Kyuhyun?”
Kyuhyun shook his head.
“I need to go, hyung. There’s something I need to do,” he said, moving towards the doorway after Sungmin nodded. He watches as the younger man hurried towards the doorway, the shaky steps he took not escaping Sungmin’s eyes.
------------------------
Kyuhyun can sing very well, Sungmin found out as he listens to the CD he received. It contains only one song - something Sungmin haven’t heard of before. It is a smooth piano ballad with simple lyrics about love and longing. Each word tells a story, each note contains emotions and with a simple mind and a hearty laugh, Sungmin claimed the song as his.
His alone.
No one else can have it. That was his song. That was Sungmin’s song.
Chuckling, he walked towards the window, watching as the dancing city lights boast themselves in front of his eyes. Bright lights from several passing cars hit the glass and with the backdrop of an ink-black winter night, the slightly erased words written on it caught Sungmin’s eyes and caused his heart to skip several beats.
On that glass window, right where Kyuhyun had written random words with his fingers were the incomplete phrase that Sungmin didn’t want to hear or read from his silly sunflower boy: I love you…
Whoever it was meant for, Sungmin didn’t have to guess. He knows. Some things you find out with your mind, others you find out with your heart.
---------------------------
Kyuhyun came right after Sungmin opened the shop the next morning. He greeted Sungmin the way he does every single day he comes and seated himself on his usual corner beside the glass window that Sungmin is now cleaning.
A thin layer of snow covers the ground outside and cotton-like flakes kept on falling, landing on random places on the ground. Sungmin’s song is playing on the background as Sungmin cleans the glass window, ignoring Kyuhyun who was now comfortably seated on his favorite chair.
“Ah… the song…?” Kyuhyun said softly.
“Yeah…,” Sungmin laughed a little. “Pretty nice. You sing good. I named it Sungmin’s song,” he said and Kyuhyun beamed at him, obviously proud about something.
“Thanks,” the younger man said.
It took long minutes of contemplation and nerve-wracking moments before Sungmin placed down his rag and faced Kyuhyun. His song is playing in the background, sad and heartbreaking.
“Kyuhyun?” Sungmin ventured softly.
“Hyung?”
Sungmin breathed, steadying his thumping heart.
“I…wouldn’t fall in love with you,” he said in one breath, watching for any subtle change on Kyuhyun’s expression.
There was none.
The younger man simply stared at him, deep eyes set on Sungmin’s, as if gauging the truthfulness behind the words he just uttered.
Sungmin held his gaze, swallowing with every breath.
Suddenly, Kyuhyun blinked and smiled.
“I know,” he murmured. “I don’t expect you to.”
Sungmin didn’t really know if that was a confession, an admission or a denial. He probably would never know but at least, at the very least, it made certain things clear between the two of them…
Or so he thinks.
------------------------------
PART 2
Recommended music while reading: Kim Kwang Seok - With the heart that must forget you (either that or Kang Min Kyung’s version of the same song in Immortal Song 2)
Just because writing fics in the wee hours of the morning is sooo fun? ^__^
Beginning quote translated at: kmusiclyrics.wordpress.com
Enjoy?
Glass Windows and Sunflowers
When the awaited beam of dawn comes,
Within my room that is larger than yesterday,
On my illuminated window,
I write and erase the words “I love you”.
-Kim Kwang Seok, “With the heart to forget you”
They met each other in a university club’s initiation party quite a few years ago, Lee Sungmin remembers as he breathes in the early morning scents of Yudal Mountain. The person in his memories, Cho Kyuhyun, is several steps faster in front of him, walking briskly while looking up at the still dark sky.
The fading stars are still visible, slightly overpowered by the fast approaching dawn. Cicadas’ sounds from somewhere permeated the still air as if they are singing a song to welcome the first rays of dawn. Light scents hover in the air and the beam from their flashlights create mysterious little trails ahead and Sungmin thought these trails will probably look less mysterious in broad daylight.
The brownish autumn leaves are crispy beneath their feet and each step they took added an interesting sound amidst the semi-darkness. Stumbling a little, Sungmin winced as he tries to regain his balance. He gave a small whoop of joy at his little accomplishment only to wince once again when he heard a heavy thud in front of him.
“Kyuhyun-sshi?” Sungmin said, noticing that Kyuhyun disappeared from view for a while. He grinned when he heard the other cursing while picking himself up.
“Stupid rock,” Kyuhyun murmured, dusting himself, kicking the small rock that caused him to stumble and fall.
“You dropped your water bottle,” Sungmin bent down to pick it up, removing some dirt that stuck on it before handing it back to Kyuhyun. “Might want to be careful now, Donghae and Eunhyuk got so excited they started leaving people behind and forgot how they need to warn us every now and then,” he reminded as Kyuhyun took his water bottle while mumbling a small thanks.
“How long ‘til we get to the top?” Kyuhyun asked.
“Hmm?”
“How many more hours until we reach the summit of this mountain?”
Sungmin thought for a while before answering.
“Two hours maybe? We’re after the sunrise,” he informed casually and Kyuhyun nodded before walking ahead and trying to catch up with Ryeowook and Yesung who had started teasing each other while trudging the beaten path up Yudal Mountain.
“I met him in a university club’s initiation party,” Sungmin repeated in his mind as he watches Kyuhyun and his bright yellow jacket that is so visible in the semi-darkness. He’s always been the quiet one - Cho Kyuhyun. He had stood in a corner that night during the party, drinking his wine and munching on cheese bars while watching people dancing and stealing scenes. Sungmin didn’t really give too much attention to him. There were a bunch of people in that party who chose to be wallflowers and Kyuhyun was just another person added to the bunch. They were, however, introduced when Donghae decided to get drunk and dragged his close friend Cho Kyuhyun to meet his so-called peers in college.
“Pleasure to meet you,” Sungmin remembered Kyuhyun saying the same phrase as each of the members of the peer group were introduced to him.
“What an uptight man,” Sungmin had thought back then, losing interest as soon as they were introduced. He went back to fiddling with his guitar and talking to Eunhyuk about random things. That was his stance for all those years that he’d known Cho Kyuhyun - knowing he’s there but not really caring much. In spite of being introduced to the group, Kyuhyun had kept mostly to himself, keeping quiet and exchanging several conversations only with Donghae or with Ryeowook and Yesung. He probably exchanged some insignificant conversation with Sungmin throughout those years but whatever they talked about had been lost to both of them and Sungmin couldn’t really remember anything even if he tries to dig further into his memory.
They weren’t friends, after all. Knowing someone and being someone’s friend are two different things and one shouldn’t be equated with the other. Being in the same peer group and sharing the same set of friends didn’t make them friends either. Friendship is a delicate relationship that cannot be born simply because two people happen to share a few similar things in their lives.
“Someone stumbled?” Shindong asked, breaking Sungmin’s train of thoughts.
“Kyuhyun,” Sungmin answered with Shindong falling into a step beside him.
“He hurt himself?”
“I don’t think so,” Sungmin followed the yellow-colored jacket, squinting his eyes a little to look at Kyuhyun looking at something ahead and probably exchanging some kind of conversation with Yesung and Ryeowook.
“Min?” Shindong asked, poking Sungmin a little. Their breaths come with thin smoke as the cold November air creates a blanket of chill around them.
“Hmm?” Sungmin asked absent-mindedly. When he felt Shindong poking him, he turned to his friend and grinned at the questioning look thrown at him. “I was just wondering what made him come,” he said, explaining something he’s not sure Shindong wanted to hear.
“Who?”
“Kyuhyun.”
Shindong raised an eyebrow.
“Because he wanted to come?” He offered and the way the bridge of Sungmin’s nose crumpled told him it’s probably not the answer he was looking for.
“He never really joins us in outings like this, does he? It’s been years since Donghae introduced him and I can count my outing memories with him with the fingers in my left hand,” Sungmin explained, making Shindong laugh. “What?”
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe he wanted to come. Why are you so interested in him right now, anyway?”
Why, indeed?
“I don’t know,” Sungmin murmured, his eyes automatically following Kyuhyun’s every visible movement. Do you really need a concrete reason why your mind suddenly tells you to be interested in someone?
Maybe it’s that damn jacket’s color. Maybe it’s because Kyuhyun had been walking in front of him for a few hours now. Maybe Sungmin is bored. Maybe men are capable of having PMS too and Kyuhyun just suddenly became a momentary apple of his eyes. Sungmin really does not have a clear answer. Maybe after this trip, he would. But for now, he’ll keep an eye on Kyuhyun. It’s really impossible not to since that yellow jacket is visible anywhere.
“You can ask him,” Shindong said. “If it’s really bothering you, go ask him.”
“Idiot,” Sungmin grinned, shaking his head at his closest friend. “Just keep on walking.”
-----------------------
They reached the top of Yudal Mountain just when dawn is breaking through the sky. The view of the harbor and several islands surrounding it look breathtaking beneath the glory of the shyly peeking sun. It looks like a fresh hand-painting with all the gradients of orange and yellow peeking through the black-grayish morning.
“Woohoo~ up here again!” Donghae had shouted, giggling as Eunhyuk stood beside him, shouting down at the world below. Sungmin shook his head at them as he inhales the morning wind, tip-toeing a little for some reason. Hands in his pockets, he enjoyed the almost scentless wind and the unfolding scenery in front of him.
White-grayish clouds settled above them, slightly covering the dawn from view. As Sungmin looks up to momentary study the clouds, he felt someone stand beside him, exhaling a thin layer of smoke.
Kyuhyun.
His yellow-jacket makes him look like some kind of sunflower on top of the mountain, searching for the sun beneath the dawn sky.
“Looks like a finger painting from some amateur artist, huh?” Sungmin casually commented.
“They said Yudal Mountain takes the shape of a mountain wizard with his hands reaching out,” Kyuhyun told him in a quiet voice. “I can’t see it from here,” he added and the last statement made Sungmin chuckle and smirk at the same time.
“Of course you won’t be able to see it, silly. We’re on top of the mountain itself,” Sungmin pointed out as he and Kyuhyun both turn to look at each other at the same time. Kyuhyun smiled a little, the corners of his mouth bending upwards just slightly and Sungmin found himself smiling back.
“Well…,” Kyuhyun answered softly and they fell into this long stretch of silence as the clouds from above finally allowed the blooming dawn to fall through the sky. The scenery in front of them looks as if invisible hands started finishing the painting, diluting the black colors with more vivid shades of red, orange and yellow. The autumn scene started to come alive in a matter of minutes.
“Hyung,” Kyuhyun called, surprising Sungmin a little. That was the very first time Kyuhyun addressed him as that.
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry for not talking to you as much as I should’ve these past years,” the younger man said and Sungmin burst out laughing. Their friends were fighting over coffee in the background as Sungmin laughs from Kyuhyun’s sudden words out of nowhere.
“What was that all about?” Sungmin laughed, pausing a little when Kyuhyun did too. So that was how Kyuhyun’s laugh sound - low, quiet and soothing.
“Good to know you could laugh,” Sungmin commented before Ryeowook’s pitchy voice called them for some lukewarm coffee. “Well then, the hot water Shindong brought must be lukewarm by now. Let’s go get coffee,” he offered and Kyuhyun nodded, following him.
“You think they will fire that old cannon today?” Kyuhyun asked as he follows Sungmin.
“Donghae said they do it everyday at around 11 am? I’m not sure,” Sungmin said, conversing naturally with Kyuhyun and before they know it, they were catching up with each other for those years they spent without bothering to actually share something more than a hello.
“You like the sunrise, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin asked when the sun fully peeked through the clouds.
“Sometimes,” Kyuhyun gave a short answer. “Do you believe in superstitions and things like that, hyung?”
Sungmin looked skeptic.
“I don’t know. Why?”
“They say that if you climb Yudal Mountain when you’re feeling sad and depressed, you’re bound to be happy soon because of the mountain wizard that lives here. You dance along with him as you climb,” Kyuhyun explained sounding wistful and almost faraway. Sungmin looked at him, searching for a hint of joke in the other’s tone. Finding none, he settled for a grin.
“Is that why you agreed to come with us? You’ve been like a phantom member of the group until now,” Sungmin told him, noticing the small shrug that Kyuhyun gave as an answer. “Well… nevermind about that. Are you unhappy?” He asked.
“Eh?”
Sungmin looked nonchalant.
“You sounded as if you were. You know, talking about mountain wizards and all.”
A ghost of a smile once again appeared on Kyuhyun’s face.
“Well, yeah. Sort of,” he gave so little information and Sungmin didn’t push further. They were still not friends, he knows that much. Probably the wall between them crumbled down a little and probably there were lesser defenses than there were before but that alone still did not make them friends. If it does, then half of the world’s population would probably call themselves friends already.
“Well, I don’t know what to say,” Sungmin grinned, stretching a little.
“Me neither,” Kyuhyun said back, eyes focused on some faraway scenery beyond the tiny harbors.
The sun is now fully risen and the clouds seem like they were hovering at the sidelines, waiting to steal the limelight back. Brave birds landed in front of them, picking the crumbs of bread that fell on the soil. Sungmin steals a little glance towards his companion and grinned, feeling as if the atmosphere and Kyuhyun have this silent understanding to be gentle and quiet. He exhaled slowly, closing his eyes and waited for a light sleep to claim him. He really doesn’t get why Kyuhyun is too quiet.
Maybe he never will.
------------------------
“So did you ask him?” Shindong asked on their way down, falling into a breathless pace beside Sungmin. There were several shrines scattered on the mountain and the others were busy muttering their silent prayers on the shrine in front of them. Sungmin had his camera on hand, taking snapshots of various things.
“Asked who what?” Sungmin asked absent-mindedly, unconsciously aiming his camera towards a vivid yellow-jacket and pressing the shutter just in time to catch Kyuhyun turning around and grinning at Ryeowook for some unknown mischief he had done. “Well that was lucky,” Sungmin murmured while looking at the picture on his small camera screen.
Kyuhyun’s face was lit up by the gentle yet mischievous smile on his face and sunlight played with the angles on his face in interesting ways. The autumn wind ruffled his hair a little, causing tiny strands to cover his right eye. It was a perfect picture of youth and innocence and Sungmin kind of wanted to print it out label it as ‘silly sunflower boy on Yudal Mountain’.
“Pretty good shot. Why not consider a career in photography?” Shindong commented and Sungmin quickly hid his camera as if possessive of the tiny moment he spent looking at the picture alone. “What?” Shindong asked, confused.
“You startled me,” Sungmin complained and Shindong looked at him, puzzled. “What?”
“Were you smitten by Kyuhyun in between those small talks you shared? Why are you so obsessed over him today?”
“I am not!” Sungmin defended.
“Are too.”
“Am not!”
They were in the middle of such foolish argument when Kyuhyun stepped in on the scene.
“Thanks, hyung,” he said lightly before returning to join Ryeowook and Yesung on some conversation about folk rock music.
“Are too~” Shindong teased, playfully elbowing Sungmin.
“Thanks for what?” Sungmin asked.
“Who knows?” Shindong answered and the confusing topic was soon buried beneath raucous laughter caused by Eunhyuk tripping on a rock and rolling a few steps down a particularly steep slope.
------------------------
Contrary to what Shindong believed, Sungmin was not smitten at all. A week later, when they were back to Seoul and the scenes at Yudal Mountain were now held captive on photo papers, Sungmin resumed his daily routines without truly being bothered by anything supposedly shared between him and Kyuhyun. It happens anyway - this kind of momentary interest in people, this kind of momentary obsession. These things are probably born due to certain temporary circumstances and soon to be forgotten in time. A few days after, a month, a year, they start to form part of a colorful past, soon to fade into sepia colored memories and probably never remembered again.
Until something triggers them once more.
“Welcome~” Sungmin chanted his usual greeting message as the little bells on the shop door sounded. “O-oh,” he gave a surprised little expression when Kyuhyun’s familiar face greeted him. “Kyuhyun.”
Kyuhyun gave a brief smile in return.
“Hyung,” he greeted. “I was looking for a good bakeshop and Donghae-hyung said you make pretty good cakes.”
Sungmin grinned at the usual listless greeting he often heard Kyuhyun give through the years.
“A cake for what?” He asked.
Without intent, Kyuhyun cocked his head slightly to one side and gave Sungmin a gentle half-smile.
“For my sister’s wedding anniversary.”
----------------------------
He probably will never understand Kyuhyun, Sungmin thought as he prepares jasmine tea and watches Kyuhyun from behind the counter. The younger man is staring at some faraway wall, probably lost in a train of his own thoughts. He is smiling unconsciously and his fingers were running smoothly across the mint green table as if drawing secret patterns on it.
“That’s me over there, isn’t it?” Kyuhyun had asked several minutes ago when he saw his own picture displayed on the yellow shop walls. It is the same picture that Sungmin took a week earlier and playfully labeled ‘sunflower boy on Yudal Mountain’.
“Yep, that’s you. I thought it gave a refreshing feeling so I placed it there. You don’t mind, do you?” Sungmin confirmed, watching the subtle changes of Kyuhyun’s expressions.
“Why sunflower?”
“Your yellow jacket,” Sungmin answered vaguely and Kyuhyun pouted a little before sitting on the spot that Sungmin had pointed at earlier. The older man had laughed at the confusing expressions Kyuhyun made. He’s truly as quietly mysterious as he first met him. Even now, as Sungmin watches him from his counter, he still thinks Kyuhyun is mysterious in so many ways.
His sunflower boy had been blowing on the glass window beside him, watching as his smoky breath clouds the clear glass.
“I just cleaned that, you know,” Sungmin commented, placing the cup of jasmine tea in front of Kyuhyun.
“Sorry,” the younger man apologized. “It’s funny.”
“What is?”
“This,” Kyuhyun gestured towards the little cloud that his breath made on the glass. Sungmin turned to look, frowning a little.
“And?”
“One moment it’s there, the next moment it’s gone,” Kyuhyun answered, his voice drifting faraway, the way it did back then in Yudal Mountain.
Sungmin chuckled.
“Well, some things are just like that. They’re not meant to stay.”
“Mhmm,” Kyuhyun agreed, heaving a deep breath. “I wish they would. I wish people could. It sucks, huh?”
“Yeah,” Sungmin said, trying to control his giggles. “What cake do you want, by the way? When do you need it?”
“As long as it’s nice and simple, it’s fine,” Kyuhyun said. “My sister isn’t really picky. Just make it delicious by next week,” he added and Sungmin stayed quiet for a while, digesting the weird rhetoric.
“Hyung?”
“Hmm?”
“Mind if I hang out here everyday?”
“Eh?” Sungmin exclaimed. “Sure, I don’t mind. But why?”
“My face is there,” Kyuhyun pointed at his picture on the wall. “Makes it feel good to know I’ll always be here. I’ll always be remembered here.”
Sungmin burst out laughing.
“Yeah, sure, you weirdo,” he agreed as the laughter slowly dies down when Kyuhyun remained eerily serious. “Kyuhyun?”
“Thanks, hyung,” the other man said, rising from his seat and bowing a little. Sungmin followed him with his eyes as Kyuhyun went out of the shop, tiny bells on the door ringing as he pushes it. He looked up for a moment as if whispering a secret to the skies before looking back at Sungmin and giving him a tiny smile. Sungmin smiled back and waved before going back to his own chores.
Sungmin probably really wouldn’t understand Kyuhyun. He probably wasn’t meant to understand him, anyway.
--------------------------
Kyuhyun loves the table for two near the window, Sungmin observed. He came by the day after his first visit and everyday after that and he sat on the same spot every single time. He likes to come in the mornings, an hour after the shop opens and he orders jasmine tea and blueberry cheesecake every time. Sungmin had developed this strange habit of marking the table as reserved right before Kyuhyun comes so he will have a place to sit on. Always.
Sometimes Kyuhyun would bring his music player and he would be scribbling words on his paper, lost in his own world, hearing his own heartbeat. Sungmin would watch him from behind the counter for a moment before going back to the rhythm of his own life.
Kyuhyun is like a stray note in a song Sungmin is composing. He distorts the rhythm, adds an extra melody and yet Sungmin couldn’t find something wrong about it. Sometimes he thinks he, himself, more than welcomed the intrusion. It’s not like Kyuhyun is intruding anyway. He always just quietly sits on the same table, drinking his jasmine tea, doing various things then leaving with a bow and a trail of tinkling door bells behind him. Sungmin would always give a tiny bow too and return to his own rhythm, as if the stray note didn’t appear; as if it was never written; as if Kyuhyun hadn’t been there.
That was until a week later when the cake is finished, ready to be given to the person it was meant to be given to.
“Here’s your cake~” Sungmin proudly showed Kyuhyun, sitting in front of the other and opening the beige colored box. It was a simple cake covered in white fondant and decorated with intricately designed peach roses made of butter icing.
“There are no words on it,” Kyuhyun observed, pushing aside his papers.
“I didn’t think you’re the type to shout happy anniversary to the world,” Sungmin reasoned and Kyuhyun nodded.
“I like it,” the younger man said. “She’ll like it. How much?”
“Free of charge?” Sungmin joked.
“Don’t give me that.”
“Fine,” the shop owner said, naming his price, watching Kyuhyun’s eyes bulge slightly.
“Are you kidding me, hyung? That’s too expensive for a cake,” Kyuhyun said and Sungmin burst out laughing, slapping his own thighs as he did. “Stop joking me,” Kyuhyun whined, the corners of his mouth shaking a little from controlled laughter. Sungmin continued laughing, shaking his head as he heads over to his counter to make the receipt.
“I hope your sister enjoys the cake, Kyuhyun,” Sungmin waved, handing the receipt to Kyuhyun and watching him leave once again with the trail of tiny tinkling bells at his heels. Sungmin watched, the way he usually did, as Kyuhyun cradles the box with his hands as he waits for the pedestrian lights in front of Sungmin’s shop to turn green and allows him to walk.
There are so many things that are both amusing and mysterious about Kyuhyun. Sometimes, when Kyuhyun is not in the shop and Sungmin decides to laze around, he would wonder why he never bothered uncovering those mysteries throughout the years that he’d known Kyuhyun. It’s quite confusing, really, how two people can spend a good many years together and still truly see each other for the first time after those years. Sometimes no matter how good the eyesight or how sharp the hearing, people fail to recognize impressive things until life itself smacks them across the face to make them notice. For people always only see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear no matter how much they try to deny it.
“You’re still obsessed over him?” Shindong asked late that afternoon, an hour before Sungmin’s shop closes.
“I am not,” Sungmin insisted. “Just curious. He’s been visiting the shop for a week now. Everyday. Without fail,” he told his friend, each word overly emphasized.
Shindong chuckled.
“Maybe he likes the cake,” he joked. “I’m sure I do.”
“Idiot,” Sungmin teased. “Why are you here anyway?”
“You promised we’ll go out and drink,” Shindong reminded him.
“Ah, yeah. Wait until I close the shop, then?” Sungmin said. Early stars grace the cold November twilight and the streetlights light up one by one like blinking nocturnal eyes, waking up from a deep slumber. A thin mist settled outside, signaling the close arrival of winter.
“Looks cold outside,” Shindong commented, opening his cellphone. “Ah. Someone needed to see me. Tell you what. I’ll wait for you at the usual place. I’ll go out and meet someone first,” he suggested and Sungmin nodded, leaning back on his comfortable chair and stretching his back.
“Sure. I’ll be there after the shop closes.”
“See you.”
“Mhmm,” Sungmin murmured. Several minutes after Shindong left, he got up and fixed himself a cup of tea and sat on Kyuhyun’s favorite spot near the window. The cars outside go by in a blur, their owners hurrying towards some kind of destination. Crowd after crowd of people wait to cross the street in front of the shop, some huddled together to shield their bodies from the biting autumn cold. The mist creates little clouds of smoke on Sungmin’s windows and he playfully writes his name on it only to erase it when he realizes how childish it must have looked.
He was still huddled in that corner, quietly sipping his tea when the tiny tinkling bells on his shop door sounded and he got up to greet his surprising customer.
“Kyu…hyun?” Sungmin said tentatively.
“Hyung,” Kyuhyun said in his usual listless voice. His long lashes were suspiciously wet, as if they were leaves in the morning, hosting tiny drops of dews. He was shivering a little, probably from the cold weather outside.
“Wanna eat some cake?” Kyuhyun asked, trying to look innocent while holding a familiar looking beige colored box.
------------------------
There are two slices of cake on the table, each waiting to be eaten as their expectant owners drink jasmine tea silently.
“I forgot they were going to spend their first anniversary overseas,” Kyuhyun offered quietly. Sungmin made a little sound in acknowledgment, as if saying that such explanation is not needed. He didn’t believe it anyway. The red, puffy eyes and the traces of tears on Kyuhyun’s face were enough indications of a lie so badly hidden. But Sungmin thought he was not in any position to ask. People have their own secrets to keep, their own pain to handle and their own problems to solve.
“Too bad,” Sungmin softly commented, picking up his fork and tasting his own cake. “I even made this cake extra special.”
“Sorry,” Kyuhyun apologized softly. “Hyung, I…,” he was about to say something when Sungmin’s phone rang and the other excused himself for a while.
“Ah Shindong,” Sungmin said. “Yeah, I closed the shop already. Just that…,” he glanced towards Kyuhyun who has once again dissolved into his tiny world, eyes set towards the farthest wall and looking like the world has run out of good things to offer. His eyes were almost misty as if treacherous tears are about to fall.
“Min?” Shindong prompted.
“There’s just this special customer…,” his voice trailed off. “Sorry,” he murmured and ended the call. “Wanna go somewhere else?” Sungmin asked Kyuhyun.
“What?”
“Let’s do away with the questions,” Sungmin quickly said. “Wait for me here. I’ll grab my coat.”
“Hyung…,”
“I said let’s do away with the questions,” Sungmin repeated. “Let’s go?”
“Where are we going?”
“Somewhere.”
“Somewhere?”
-----------------------------
They ended up in Yeouido staring at the panoramic view of the bright lights in 63 Building, overlooking the quiet Han River. There are a few people out on that cold night, most of which are families out for a leisure walk after an early dinner.
Sungmin sat beside Kyuhyun, both of them holding steaming disposable cups of strong black coffee. The leaves on the tree behind them made no sound as they fall to the ground, listening quietly to their conversation.
“I don’t know what happened,” Sungmin began gently. “But you know, when I was younger and I get frustrated with a lot of things in my life, my parents would bring me here and we would sit right on this same spot and my dad would tell me to count the floors on 63 Building until I get pissed enough to stop. After my third attempt, I really did get pissed but surprisingly, whatever it is that’s bothering me flew out of my mind as I was counting the floors. Silly idea but it works.”
Kyuhyun softly chuckled. He looked towards the building towering in their view - bright and tall, like millions of fireflies combined together to form such amazing structure born out of human endeavors.
Without saying anything else, he started counting.
“One,” he murmured and Sungmin chose to remain silent, listening to his companion slowly churning out numbers after numbers. A couple of young lovers went passed them in bicycles, their giggles mixing with the November wind.
“Twenty five…”
Sungmin closed his eyes, listening to the smooth voice counting beside him.
Kyuhyun started crying halfway through the fortieth floor and Sungmin opened his eyes, not knowing what to do. The younger man’s shoulders shake slightly as quiet sobs escape his lips, the cause of which remains undisclosed to Sungmin.
“Kyu…hyun?” Sungmin ventured.
“Forty… one,” Kyuhyun continued counting, his syllables choppy with tears. “Forty… two…”
Sungmin touched the other’s shoulder.
“Sometimes, it’s okay to stop and cry.”
Kyuhyun paused, turned to him and forced a smile through his tears.
“Forty three…,” he said and Sungmin had no choice but to sit down quietly and listen. There’s nothing else he could do and no words he could say to comfort Kyuhyun about something he does not know. Maybe sometimes it’s okay to listen. Maybe sometimes you get more when you simply listen. Some things are simply better expressed in silence than in words.
“Sixty three…,” as soon as Kyuhyun finished counting, he sniffed once and turned to Sungmin. “Want to eat dinner, hyung?” He said so suddenly and had Sungmin staring at him like he was from somewhere else before he started laughing.
“Whatever, you weirdo.”
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“Kyuhyun doesn’t really have a sister,” Donghae said when Sungmin curiously asked him on one of their nights out one early December night. He, Donghae, Eunhyuk and Shindong were huddled around one small table drinking soju and eating grilled ribs.
“What?!” Sungmin blurted out. “So he lied?”
Donghae smirked at him and downed the small glass of soju before saying anything else.
“It’s not like that,” he said. “You see, Kyuhyun grew up with his grandmother. That sister he was referring to is probably his half-blood sister when his father remarried after his mother died.”
Sungmin blinked, glancing towards Shindong who was listening intently.
“So… this sister he wanted to give the cake to… doesn’t know he exist?”
Donghae shrugged.
“Probably?”
“Then Kyuhyun…,” Sungmin said quietly, allowing Donghae to finish for him.
“…is a very lonely man?” Donghae asked. “He’s not as dramatic as that, hyung. He’s fine, don’t worry about him. He’s used to it.”
Or so, you think, Sungmin thought. And then reasons after reasons dawned on him after that. Maybe the reason why Kyuhyun had always been quiet and distant was because there wasn’t really anyone to talk to. All of them, his so-called friends, probably recognize his somewhat tragic story but none of them fully understood it. Maybe the reason why he kept mostly to himself was because there was no one else he could rely on. There was no one else to listen, no one there to pat his back and say that shitty things are going to be fine in the end. People all have their own stories to deal with and their own pains to overcome that most of time, they turn a blind eye to what they need to see and only focus on what they want to see.
But not Sungmin. Not him. Because he’s probably the only one who saw such a painful display of emotions on Kyuhyun’s face. He’s probably the only one who felt this tiny pricking in his heart each time Kyuhyun’s gaze turn into faraway looks of sadness.
Maybe, no matter what Sungmin thinks, maybe… he was meant to understand Kyuhyun, after all.
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“Hey, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin murmured on the phone that night after he dialed Kyuhyun’s number. His mind is slightly clouded by alcohol and he’s hovering over that thin line dividing brilliance and drunkenness.
“Hyung?”
“Why me?” Sungmin asked vaguely. “Why come to me? We’ve never been close. We’ve never exchanged meaningful conversations before except maybe that day in Yudal Mountain… why me?”
There was silence. One that stretches for eternity before being broken by Kyuhyun’s quiet voice.
“Because back then, in Yudal Mountain, you were the only one to wonder why I wanted to come in the first place.”
“Kyuhyun…”
“And in spite of my weirdness you didn’t turn me away. We’re not friends, hyung. You probably won’t consider me as a friend and that’s fine with me, because if I suddenly leave and never come back, hyung, you wouldn’t be hurt about it,” Kyuhyun continued, each word laced with a different kind of sadness. “You understood me. That’s enough for me.”
And Sungmin understood him. Yes, he did.
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The snow fell early a few days before Christmas. Cheerful Christmas carols play all over the streets, sending out warm greetings to anyone who stops by to listen carefully. The Christmas decorations are a feast to the eyes and shoppers skip around the busy streets of Seoul with their shopping bags and winter coats.
“Why do you have to buy a lot of things, hyung?” Kyuhyun asked, his hands full of shopping bags as they trudge their way up towards Sungmin’s small rented apartment. Sungmin had dragged him out on that cold afternoon, insisting they needed some kind of emergency Christmas shopping tour.
“I like to give Christmas gifts,” Sungmin explained, fishing his key out of his pockets. The hollow coldness of the place hit their skin as soon as the door opened and Sungmin quickly turned on the heater. “I’ll bring these to the bedroom, you stay here,” he instructed and Kyuhyun nodded, wandering over towards the window.
Sungmin caught him blowing his smoky breath on the glass window, writing words with his fingers and erasing them as soon as he finishes writing. He grinned at the childish act and sneaked behind Kyuhyun, covering the other’s head with a red bonnet he purchased from somewhere.
“What’s this?” Kyuhyun asked, gesturing towards the red bonnet on his head.
“A Christmas gift,” Sungmin grinned. “And they come with matching red knitted gloves~,” he said, waving the red things in front of Kyuhyun’s face. He giggled at Kyuhyun’s expression as Sungmin forces him to wear the gloves.
“T-thanks,” Kyuhyun stammered. “Which reminds me,” he said, moving towards the small sofa and grabbing his bag. “This is for you,” he handed Sungmin a CD.
“What’s in it?” Sungmin asked, studying the cover closely.
“A song,” Kyuhyun gave a short answer. “I was repairing a keyboard from a client last night and I thought it would be nice to test it out and record a song.”
“For me?” Sungmin asked, grinning.
“Mhmm,” Kyuhyun nodded. “A Christmas gift,” he smiled, pointing at his bonnet and the gloves. “Thanks for these…,” he paused, frowning a little.
“Kyuhyun?”
Kyuhyun shook his head.
“I need to go, hyung. There’s something I need to do,” he said, moving towards the doorway after Sungmin nodded. He watches as the younger man hurried towards the doorway, the shaky steps he took not escaping Sungmin’s eyes.
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Kyuhyun can sing very well, Sungmin found out as he listens to the CD he received. It contains only one song - something Sungmin haven’t heard of before. It is a smooth piano ballad with simple lyrics about love and longing. Each word tells a story, each note contains emotions and with a simple mind and a hearty laugh, Sungmin claimed the song as his.
His alone.
No one else can have it. That was his song. That was Sungmin’s song.
Chuckling, he walked towards the window, watching as the dancing city lights boast themselves in front of his eyes. Bright lights from several passing cars hit the glass and with the backdrop of an ink-black winter night, the slightly erased words written on it caught Sungmin’s eyes and caused his heart to skip several beats.
On that glass window, right where Kyuhyun had written random words with his fingers were the incomplete phrase that Sungmin didn’t want to hear or read from his silly sunflower boy: I love you…
Whoever it was meant for, Sungmin didn’t have to guess. He knows. Some things you find out with your mind, others you find out with your heart.
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Kyuhyun came right after Sungmin opened the shop the next morning. He greeted Sungmin the way he does every single day he comes and seated himself on his usual corner beside the glass window that Sungmin is now cleaning.
A thin layer of snow covers the ground outside and cotton-like flakes kept on falling, landing on random places on the ground. Sungmin’s song is playing on the background as Sungmin cleans the glass window, ignoring Kyuhyun who was now comfortably seated on his favorite chair.
“Ah… the song…?” Kyuhyun said softly.
“Yeah…,” Sungmin laughed a little. “Pretty nice. You sing good. I named it Sungmin’s song,” he said and Kyuhyun beamed at him, obviously proud about something.
“Thanks,” the younger man said.
It took long minutes of contemplation and nerve-wracking moments before Sungmin placed down his rag and faced Kyuhyun. His song is playing in the background, sad and heartbreaking.
“Kyuhyun?” Sungmin ventured softly.
“Hyung?”
Sungmin breathed, steadying his thumping heart.
“I…wouldn’t fall in love with you,” he said in one breath, watching for any subtle change on Kyuhyun’s expression.
There was none.
The younger man simply stared at him, deep eyes set on Sungmin’s, as if gauging the truthfulness behind the words he just uttered.
Sungmin held his gaze, swallowing with every breath.
Suddenly, Kyuhyun blinked and smiled.
“I know,” he murmured. “I don’t expect you to.”
Sungmin didn’t really know if that was a confession, an admission or a denial. He probably would never know but at least, at the very least, it made certain things clear between the two of them…
Or so he thinks.
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PART 2