addict
Addictions.
I had many. Cycles.
What we, addicts, crave for, is the release of chemicals in the blood stream. The temporary and artificial happiness. The misleading feeling of well-being. Floating.
Once upon a time, there was drug addiction. Then there was sex-addiction. Now? There is a void. My self-destructive impulses make me quest for an instant fix.
Being so close to declare bankruptcy, buying 70$ worth of beauty product is obviously symptomatic. Cutting my hair on a whim also is. Over-drinking, smoking and even eating bacon again: poor attempts to have a quick fix. Oh, it works but the dosage is too minimal to have a lasting effect.
I am sad. Not a teary and emotive sadness, no. An empty sadness. Icy cold, numb, absent and detached. Life on hold. Waiting.
Here I am today, with new mineral foundation make-up and straight bangs. Unhappy and empty, looking for some rest, some endorphins, something to make me feel alive again. Alive.
I lost myself somewhere.
An addict is always an addict. Thing is to find what works best, the quickest and the less damageable way. Right now, I am not on the right path. I play Bejeweled Blitz for hours until I stop thinking and feel some sort of trance but its not ideal. I need to feel alive again.
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I cooked Saturday morning's brunch this week instead of going out. My friend brought Natas. I never knew these funny named little cream-custard pastries were so delicious. I love to discover new things..
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I may have found the new roommate, for when the French Boy leaves. She is the most adorable and pretty looking thing. It would be so nice to have her around, being so cute and all. She is my first choice (as I like living with people that aren’t gross and repulsive; I need to be surrounded with nice visuals). It’s up to her to decide if she takes the room or not. I’ll be disappointed if she decide to go elsewhere.
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I need a good book to sink in. Suggestions? By good I mean full of action, thrilling, quick paced, horror+gore is welcomed, the more sex the better, guns, drugs, lost souls, you know? A good book.