Depression and anti-depressants
Don't know what made me think of it but when I was driving home I was thinking about good times and bad and thinking about how odd it is that I have a specific moment in my head of when I've probably felt happiest in my whole life. It was partly a superficial happiness though, as I'd not long started a course of Prozac and it was just kicking in I think. It was just before Christmas in 2002, and I was driving down to Lisa's. I think it was the weekend we first went to see The Two Towers and also went to see Blue I think (might have that wrong). I just remember hearing Robbie Williams "Feel" on the radio, I think it was snowing outside, and I suddenly thought to myself that life was absolutely fucking wonderful! I just had a really euphoric feeling and I'll never forget it. It was a lovely time though, I was having fun for the first time in ages and I'd not long changed jobs after a nightmare year in my old one (although I'd just missed out on promotion - a blessing in hindsight), but I don't know why that stands out amongst all the other lovely times I had - definitely must have been the happy pills!
Funnily enough when I got home I read some of my mum's Mirror and there was an article in there about depression and doctors being over-reliant on anti-depressants. My own doctor hardly hesitated to give them to me when I went. Thankfully I recognised when they'd stopped working and didn't have any problem coming off them. I was going to say I didn't have any side effects while taking them either, but on reflection I think they made my moods swing wildly in the end. I think I was quite unreasonable at times and completely paranoid. But they served a purpose and I'm not sorry I took them. Not sure I'd go there again though. But then fingers crossed I don't fall into that black hole that took me down that road in the first place.
I was thinking the other week about a comment someone made when I worked at HMV years ago and how I felt about life at that time. One of the girls had been out the night before and came in the next day really buzzing about having had what she described as the best night ever. And I remember being really envious that she could catagorically state something like that as, at that time, I didn't think I had ever felt like that and couldn't imagine ever doing so. And it makes me contented now to look back and realise that since then I've had countless times when I've felt really truly happy with life. I love it when one of those times happens, when I think to myself "that was one of my favourite weekends/few days ever!" It's usually when I've been really busy and packed loads in, but it could just as easily be when I've chilled and watched loads of films or listened to lots of music or something. It's hard to put your finger on really. When I look back though it does seem that things have happened for me when I've not sat around just waiting for them, if that makes sense. I should remember that whenever I'm feeling a bit fed up. That's the difference between being a bit low and truly depressed though, you can pick yourself and do something positive when something goes wrong (have been doing that a lot lately after most Liverpool matches!). I hate the periods when there's actually nothing wrong and I just don't want to get out of bed. Thankfully it doesn't happen all that often now and I know it'll pass in a few days when it does. Doesn't make it any less horrible when it hits me though. It does seem to stay away if I keep going to the gym so must keep that in mind when Ann goes on holiday in a few weeks. I really need to keep a positive head on me as I'm going to be completely skint next month - am determined to clear my credit card before Christmas hits us. So I'm going to try and live on about a tenner for the whole month I think (well, maybe a little more). I've bought everything I need for the month and sorted out my bills so I really don't need to buy anything. Easier said than done! Something is bound to crop up....
Funnily enough when I got home I read some of my mum's Mirror and there was an article in there about depression and doctors being over-reliant on anti-depressants. My own doctor hardly hesitated to give them to me when I went. Thankfully I recognised when they'd stopped working and didn't have any problem coming off them. I was going to say I didn't have any side effects while taking them either, but on reflection I think they made my moods swing wildly in the end. I think I was quite unreasonable at times and completely paranoid. But they served a purpose and I'm not sorry I took them. Not sure I'd go there again though. But then fingers crossed I don't fall into that black hole that took me down that road in the first place.
I was thinking the other week about a comment someone made when I worked at HMV years ago and how I felt about life at that time. One of the girls had been out the night before and came in the next day really buzzing about having had what she described as the best night ever. And I remember being really envious that she could catagorically state something like that as, at that time, I didn't think I had ever felt like that and couldn't imagine ever doing so. And it makes me contented now to look back and realise that since then I've had countless times when I've felt really truly happy with life. I love it when one of those times happens, when I think to myself "that was one of my favourite weekends/few days ever!" It's usually when I've been really busy and packed loads in, but it could just as easily be when I've chilled and watched loads of films or listened to lots of music or something. It's hard to put your finger on really. When I look back though it does seem that things have happened for me when I've not sat around just waiting for them, if that makes sense. I should remember that whenever I'm feeling a bit fed up. That's the difference between being a bit low and truly depressed though, you can pick yourself and do something positive when something goes wrong (have been doing that a lot lately after most Liverpool matches!). I hate the periods when there's actually nothing wrong and I just don't want to get out of bed. Thankfully it doesn't happen all that often now and I know it'll pass in a few days when it does. Doesn't make it any less horrible when it hits me though. It does seem to stay away if I keep going to the gym so must keep that in mind when Ann goes on holiday in a few weeks. I really need to keep a positive head on me as I'm going to be completely skint next month - am determined to clear my credit card before Christmas hits us. So I'm going to try and live on about a tenner for the whole month I think (well, maybe a little more). I've bought everything I need for the month and sorted out my bills so I really don't need to buy anything. Easier said than done! Something is bound to crop up....