I Think I Might Be Strange
Most of this week, I've felt rather rotten. Bad headache, very strong desire to sleep a lot to escape the pain, overall malaise, that kind of thing. And I've been fixating a little too much on how the migraines are taking my life out from under me. I feel like I'm tying my shoes in the middle of a marathon.
Specifically, I've gotten a real bug up my butt for living on my own. It's completely infeasible, but every time I see some kind of home improvement show, I think "Man, I could do that." or "That's terrible. I could do much better." Every house for sale I drive past I think "I wonder what it would be like to live there." I think about how nice it would be to win the lottery and be able to buy a house, or to win that Blog Cabin thing that my mom mentioned to me.
In looking back through my posts just now, I realize I never mentioned that. So, the DIY Network has this house they're building up in Madison County, NC, about 30 minutes from Asheville, and it seems like the perfect place for me to win. It's set back in a development that's surrounded by wilderness land in a conservation trust that will never be developed. It's criss-crossed with hiking, horse, and ATV trails, there are ponds and creeks everywhere, and it has an observatory with a telescope in a roll-back-roofed building. The house itself is a two-bedroom cabin thing on about an acre of wooded land with a little creek running through it. And they are tricking it out with some nice stuff. So, when they start letting you enter to win, I'll be doing so daily, as will my mom. I'd love to live up there, back in the quiet woods, but near enough to Asheville that I could go see shows and spend time in my favorite town.
Really, I just want to be able to be out on my own. I want to get better. I want to have a life. I want to go to school and finish my degree. I want to get a job. I want to live the life of an adult, not a giant child. I want to be able to go back to the gym and lose weight, get into shape. I really, sincerely want to do all of those things, and so much more. That's gotten me feeling kind of depressed lately, which started me to analyzing why I'm feeling depressed. When I suddenly feel a certain emotion for no immediately apparent reason, I start dissecting why I feel this way. What has happened to make me feel like this? Is it justified? If there's no reason for me to feel that way, I do what I can to stop feeling like that and improve my mood. That is not a normal response, apparently. When I was talking to Jeremy & Robert about my trip to the MHNI, I mentioned how one of the drugs activated my fight-or-flight response and I got all paranoid, and how I sat there and actually analyzed why I was feeling that way, tracing it back to the medication instead of just freaking out completely. I think that might not be an entirely healthy thing to do. But it also seems like it would save a lot of trouble in the long run if people bothered to think about why they feel a certain way, instead of just reacting like everything they do is 100% justifiable, considering what has been done to them and that any response is proportionate to the action that triggered it.
Specifically, I've gotten a real bug up my butt for living on my own. It's completely infeasible, but every time I see some kind of home improvement show, I think "Man, I could do that." or "That's terrible. I could do much better." Every house for sale I drive past I think "I wonder what it would be like to live there." I think about how nice it would be to win the lottery and be able to buy a house, or to win that Blog Cabin thing that my mom mentioned to me.
In looking back through my posts just now, I realize I never mentioned that. So, the DIY Network has this house they're building up in Madison County, NC, about 30 minutes from Asheville, and it seems like the perfect place for me to win. It's set back in a development that's surrounded by wilderness land in a conservation trust that will never be developed. It's criss-crossed with hiking, horse, and ATV trails, there are ponds and creeks everywhere, and it has an observatory with a telescope in a roll-back-roofed building. The house itself is a two-bedroom cabin thing on about an acre of wooded land with a little creek running through it. And they are tricking it out with some nice stuff. So, when they start letting you enter to win, I'll be doing so daily, as will my mom. I'd love to live up there, back in the quiet woods, but near enough to Asheville that I could go see shows and spend time in my favorite town.
Really, I just want to be able to be out on my own. I want to get better. I want to have a life. I want to go to school and finish my degree. I want to get a job. I want to live the life of an adult, not a giant child. I want to be able to go back to the gym and lose weight, get into shape. I really, sincerely want to do all of those things, and so much more. That's gotten me feeling kind of depressed lately, which started me to analyzing why I'm feeling depressed. When I suddenly feel a certain emotion for no immediately apparent reason, I start dissecting why I feel this way. What has happened to make me feel like this? Is it justified? If there's no reason for me to feel that way, I do what I can to stop feeling like that and improve my mood. That is not a normal response, apparently. When I was talking to Jeremy & Robert about my trip to the MHNI, I mentioned how one of the drugs activated my fight-or-flight response and I got all paranoid, and how I sat there and actually analyzed why I was feeling that way, tracing it back to the medication instead of just freaking out completely. I think that might not be an entirely healthy thing to do. But it also seems like it would save a lot of trouble in the long run if people bothered to think about why they feel a certain way, instead of just reacting like everything they do is 100% justifiable, considering what has been done to them and that any response is proportionate to the action that triggered it.