I give a damn
"I am strong because I am weak. I’m beautiful because I know my flaws. I’m a lover because I am a fighter. I’m fearless because I have been afraid. I’m wise because I have been foolish. & I can laugh because I Have known sadness"
This quote comes from the facebook page of Corey Jackson. The 19-year old student took his life yesterday, the latest in a string of young gay suicides. His so happened to be the day before the international "spirit day" against bullying - homophobic and otherwise - ironically organized on facebook.
It bothers me that it took so many youth taking their own lives, for the problems going on within my community to come to the attention of the world. Why now? Why did no-one from the mass seem to care or pay attention when I was younger? When I and my friends all went through the torment and pain and struggle? Or at least began the torment and pain and struggle that we just might continue to face every day? Every day I leave the apartment I share with my boyfriend, and hold his hand walking down the street. But the trouble is that as close to the "gay village" as we live, there are people on our street, and even in our building, who judge me and think our way of life is disgusting.
It is 2010 and I still sometimes have trouble bringing myself to express how I feel for the person I love. Why? Why do you stare and criticize me? Why do you feel the need to yell "FAGGOTS" as we walk down the street? If I saw two people of colour walking together, would it be acceptable for me to scream out the "N word"? No of course not. Because like i said, it's 2010. It's not acceptable to judge or discriminate a minority. Do people choose to be born with darker skin? to have a physical handicap? a mental handicap?
So how come you act as if I chose to prefer a relationship with a man? How come I would possibly choose a life where I would have been tormented for years? I didn't know that I wanted to hate myself all my life for things I couldn't control. I didn't know I wanted to struggle with my body, to have come from a broken home, to be afraid to tell people about the most precious person in my life. If I really chose all this, what a fool I was!
But what troubles me even more than the harassment we face from the outside world is the reasoning things like this happen. It seems to me that the gay community fuels this all, almost intentionally. We do nothing but create a negative profile for ourselves to the heterosexual world who don't know the truth - or do they? Is their perception right?
When was the last time a gay man saw another gay man walking down the street or at the bar and said "look at that faggot"? Or called a masculine woman a "dyke"? Probably today. Probably 5 minutes ago. Probably less. Yes, I will admit I have been guilty of this. However those words are not appropriate to all situations. If you are someone who fits the negative stereotypes, and seemingly does nothing with your life but call attention to your sexuality to an extent that it is obviously intentional then yes, I may refer to you as a fag. You do not represent the gay community. You represent a fool who believes that you should be defined by one thing. Try convincing me that there are certain behaviours and ways of dress that are only embodied by gay men. A 40-something man growing hipster facial hair, prancing around the streets in too-tight jeans, yelling out in a high pitch is not natural behaviour of a human being who lives to live their own life. At 20-something it can be acceptable to wear skin-tight clothing maybe to the club and to express yourself in certain ways. But to those who continue to live that life where they believe that loving a man instead of a woman or vice-versa has anything to do with behaviour outside of the bedroom, i have one thing to say:
It's YOUR fault that we can't marry in most places in the world. It's YOUR fault that we have trouble adopting children or even gaining custody of those who are biologically ours. It's YOUR fault that my relationship is not taken seriously by the rest of the world. That people expect us to cheat if one of us is out of the city or out of the country. You say that would be perfectly okay "because we're gay."
A few weeks ago - when gay suicides first hit the news - "Mr. Leatherman Toronto" posted a note on facebook in which he wrote:
"I am trying to put together a series of Public Service Announcements aimed at both the LGBTQ community and our straight allies. I want queers, trannys, fags, gay guys, lesbians, gender queers, leather dykes, drag queens, bisexuals, pansexuals, people from every walk of life to take a stand"
The thing with this is, he has the intent to do good. To bring awareness to the community and it's issues. However, he does not include targeting the every-man, only the heterosexuals who are allies with homosexuals. Allies, as if it were a warfront. That is minor and I probably am reading too far for that.
The real issue I take with his posting is that while trying to help the problem, he really just perpetuates it. By using negative slurs to describe members of the community he wants to save, he only shows that it is appropriate to throw those words around. Which in turn only teaches the rest of the world that their hatred and use of offensive language toward us is ok. Because, hey, we use those words to describe ourselves. Why can't everyone else? Also he uses insinuates that those sexual differences create different walks of life. "Walk of life", something defined as "an occupation, profession, or social class."
I wasn't aware that a "fag" or a "tranny" or a bisexual were all of different social class. Oh wait, yes I did. Different social class than the standard hetero.
"Mr. Leatherman Toronto" is a title held by someone every year to hold fundraisers for a chosen charity. The title is from a group of people held together by the thread that they enjoy the sexual fetish of leather. This is only one example, so please don't think that I am attacking the leather community. There are also titles given away by bathhouses and other such sexual kinks. Only in the Gay community though. I can't remember when there was ever a pageant held at a bar like that for heterosexuals. Maybe "Mr. and Mrs. Bondage" would be great public advocates. I really want to attend a charity ball hosted by "King Tie-Me-Up-And-Fuck-Me". Yes the heterosexual community has its cliques created by people who enjoy the same things sexually, but they are not made to be public figures, and they are not used as the forefront for fighting to be seen equally.
Similarly, I have always taken offense to the fact that the "Toronto Fetish Fair" is held on Church Street - the hub of the gay village - every year. Yes I'll admit that it's really great that we as a city can celebrate that people are different in that way. However, the gay community has enough problems for being seen as a purely sex-driven group of people. Everyone assumes all we do is frequent sex clubs, and that even every night club has a "backroom" for anonymous sexual activity. We all sleep around and are sexual deviants who frequent bathhouses and other such places, right?
So I can't for the life of me understand why place a purely sex-driven event which is not gay-exclusive, right in the heart of the one place in the city everyone associates with gay life. The "everything about sex show" is held every year at the convention centre... why not the fetish fair? Oh yes, because the fetish fair has really just become a new showcase for drag queens, who take turns performing on stage in between the bondage and whipping demonstrations. So is drag entertainment a sexual fetish? Because if so, I always thought the transvestites, crossdressers, transexuals, and such were often seen more as sexual objects than a drag queen sweating under the lights and dancing. If they may just not be interested in being a sexual object.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is:
We can preach that we want to be seen as equal. We can beg, we can rally, we can protest. But the truth of the matter is, the outspoken members of the gay community seem to really only call attention to, and perpetuate, the very stereotypes and negative things about gay life that the predators in the world use against us.
If we want bullying and harassment to stop and we want equality, then why not try and show the world that many of us want a proper relationship? We want a family. We want children. I really just want respect. And sadly I don't see that happening anytime soon unless the gay community makes changes first.
*Please not that the term "gays" was not used in this post. I refuse to be thrown into a collective group based on my sexual interest. It's the same as saying "blacks". I am a gay PERSON, not A GAY. That should not be the one thing that defines me.*
This quote comes from the facebook page of Corey Jackson. The 19-year old student took his life yesterday, the latest in a string of young gay suicides. His so happened to be the day before the international "spirit day" against bullying - homophobic and otherwise - ironically organized on facebook.
It bothers me that it took so many youth taking their own lives, for the problems going on within my community to come to the attention of the world. Why now? Why did no-one from the mass seem to care or pay attention when I was younger? When I and my friends all went through the torment and pain and struggle? Or at least began the torment and pain and struggle that we just might continue to face every day? Every day I leave the apartment I share with my boyfriend, and hold his hand walking down the street. But the trouble is that as close to the "gay village" as we live, there are people on our street, and even in our building, who judge me and think our way of life is disgusting.
It is 2010 and I still sometimes have trouble bringing myself to express how I feel for the person I love. Why? Why do you stare and criticize me? Why do you feel the need to yell "FAGGOTS" as we walk down the street? If I saw two people of colour walking together, would it be acceptable for me to scream out the "N word"? No of course not. Because like i said, it's 2010. It's not acceptable to judge or discriminate a minority. Do people choose to be born with darker skin? to have a physical handicap? a mental handicap?
So how come you act as if I chose to prefer a relationship with a man? How come I would possibly choose a life where I would have been tormented for years? I didn't know that I wanted to hate myself all my life for things I couldn't control. I didn't know I wanted to struggle with my body, to have come from a broken home, to be afraid to tell people about the most precious person in my life. If I really chose all this, what a fool I was!
But what troubles me even more than the harassment we face from the outside world is the reasoning things like this happen. It seems to me that the gay community fuels this all, almost intentionally. We do nothing but create a negative profile for ourselves to the heterosexual world who don't know the truth - or do they? Is their perception right?
When was the last time a gay man saw another gay man walking down the street or at the bar and said "look at that faggot"? Or called a masculine woman a "dyke"? Probably today. Probably 5 minutes ago. Probably less. Yes, I will admit I have been guilty of this. However those words are not appropriate to all situations. If you are someone who fits the negative stereotypes, and seemingly does nothing with your life but call attention to your sexuality to an extent that it is obviously intentional then yes, I may refer to you as a fag. You do not represent the gay community. You represent a fool who believes that you should be defined by one thing. Try convincing me that there are certain behaviours and ways of dress that are only embodied by gay men. A 40-something man growing hipster facial hair, prancing around the streets in too-tight jeans, yelling out in a high pitch is not natural behaviour of a human being who lives to live their own life. At 20-something it can be acceptable to wear skin-tight clothing maybe to the club and to express yourself in certain ways. But to those who continue to live that life where they believe that loving a man instead of a woman or vice-versa has anything to do with behaviour outside of the bedroom, i have one thing to say:
It's YOUR fault that we can't marry in most places in the world. It's YOUR fault that we have trouble adopting children or even gaining custody of those who are biologically ours. It's YOUR fault that my relationship is not taken seriously by the rest of the world. That people expect us to cheat if one of us is out of the city or out of the country. You say that would be perfectly okay "because we're gay."
A few weeks ago - when gay suicides first hit the news - "Mr. Leatherman Toronto" posted a note on facebook in which he wrote:
"I am trying to put together a series of Public Service Announcements aimed at both the LGBTQ community and our straight allies. I want queers, trannys, fags, gay guys, lesbians, gender queers, leather dykes, drag queens, bisexuals, pansexuals, people from every walk of life to take a stand"
The thing with this is, he has the intent to do good. To bring awareness to the community and it's issues. However, he does not include targeting the every-man, only the heterosexuals who are allies with homosexuals. Allies, as if it were a warfront. That is minor and I probably am reading too far for that.
The real issue I take with his posting is that while trying to help the problem, he really just perpetuates it. By using negative slurs to describe members of the community he wants to save, he only shows that it is appropriate to throw those words around. Which in turn only teaches the rest of the world that their hatred and use of offensive language toward us is ok. Because, hey, we use those words to describe ourselves. Why can't everyone else? Also he uses insinuates that those sexual differences create different walks of life. "Walk of life", something defined as "an occupation, profession, or social class."
I wasn't aware that a "fag" or a "tranny" or a bisexual were all of different social class. Oh wait, yes I did. Different social class than the standard hetero.
"Mr. Leatherman Toronto" is a title held by someone every year to hold fundraisers for a chosen charity. The title is from a group of people held together by the thread that they enjoy the sexual fetish of leather. This is only one example, so please don't think that I am attacking the leather community. There are also titles given away by bathhouses and other such sexual kinks. Only in the Gay community though. I can't remember when there was ever a pageant held at a bar like that for heterosexuals. Maybe "Mr. and Mrs. Bondage" would be great public advocates. I really want to attend a charity ball hosted by "King Tie-Me-Up-And-Fuck-Me". Yes the heterosexual community has its cliques created by people who enjoy the same things sexually, but they are not made to be public figures, and they are not used as the forefront for fighting to be seen equally.
Similarly, I have always taken offense to the fact that the "Toronto Fetish Fair" is held on Church Street - the hub of the gay village - every year. Yes I'll admit that it's really great that we as a city can celebrate that people are different in that way. However, the gay community has enough problems for being seen as a purely sex-driven group of people. Everyone assumes all we do is frequent sex clubs, and that even every night club has a "backroom" for anonymous sexual activity. We all sleep around and are sexual deviants who frequent bathhouses and other such places, right?
So I can't for the life of me understand why place a purely sex-driven event which is not gay-exclusive, right in the heart of the one place in the city everyone associates with gay life. The "everything about sex show" is held every year at the convention centre... why not the fetish fair? Oh yes, because the fetish fair has really just become a new showcase for drag queens, who take turns performing on stage in between the bondage and whipping demonstrations. So is drag entertainment a sexual fetish? Because if so, I always thought the transvestites, crossdressers, transexuals, and such were often seen more as sexual objects than a drag queen sweating under the lights and dancing. If they may just not be interested in being a sexual object.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is:
We can preach that we want to be seen as equal. We can beg, we can rally, we can protest. But the truth of the matter is, the outspoken members of the gay community seem to really only call attention to, and perpetuate, the very stereotypes and negative things about gay life that the predators in the world use against us.
If we want bullying and harassment to stop and we want equality, then why not try and show the world that many of us want a proper relationship? We want a family. We want children. I really just want respect. And sadly I don't see that happening anytime soon unless the gay community makes changes first.
*Please not that the term "gays" was not used in this post. I refuse to be thrown into a collective group based on my sexual interest. It's the same as saying "blacks". I am a gay PERSON, not A GAY. That should not be the one thing that defines me.*