"Life is not wonderful"
today i saw cyndy again, and she makes me wonder about things. like is there such things as true happiness and can life be really wonderful....
we walked to the 76 station and she paid 85 bucks for an oil change on her new car. i totally didnt know she drove stick until just that moment, when she drove me to my car... (who said i was lazy, hmm?)but her new car is one, and she drives okay i guess....i helped her organize today, as usual...i find myself going over there on my usual days. i have usual days, tuesday and thursday. i dont know. its just something about her that makes me feel better, that makes me feel secure. i mean after kelsey and annie left, i dont know who to talk to anymore. i mean its hard, because i cant hang with them or anything...
...and christian doesnt talk to me anymore, because i have no one else to talk to, so i have to talk to bryce, and jessie seems to hate me too...sometimes i think that laura influenced them into not liking me too. i dont know why laura still treats me like she does, because i am really indiffrent towards her. i try to make it seem like i dont care about her or anyone else one way or another, but still it hurts. i try to make myself not care, but i do anyway. i am a damn softie. it sucks. no one talks to me anymore, except darren, bryce, john, and this guy that wants to be my study buddy. heather doesnt talk to me much anymore, cause she is too busy...
things are still going good with darren, but i dont get to see him everyday. its alright though, because i trust him, and i want us to be able to test our co-dependancy. we are doing fine, because we talk almost everyday, and we spend weekends together. i know band is going to get hectic soon, and we will have like one day a week to say hi to each other, but its okay, we are learning to love each other even when we cant see each other every moment. we understand our limits, and we seem to be working out just fine...no if people would just stop treating my friendship with bryce as more than it really is, it would be okay.
another anniversary is coming up, not the ones anyone would want to remember, but i guess i will have to try and stick this one out, because there is no one i can be with, no one at all....
...i miss my friends, and i dont know how this message got off the topic of cyndy at all...
..but i mean it, she makes me feel okay about things, sometimes at least. i feel better when she is around....i dont mind helping her out, and hanging out with her at lewis, but i just wish she would take me more seriously, and treat me like a real friend, not like a kid. i am getting older, and if the cards are dealt right, i wont be for much longer. life is so wicked, and i dont know how to make it right....
...she is so wonderful sometimes, when the moment is right. she seems like she really cares. like when we were walking, it felt okay, to be close to someone else. even if we did just that, walk and talk, it would make me feel better. i dont know how im going to deal with this next bad day alone, but i guess i will have to...
...so much for friends till the end right????
"And as the oceans slowly become shallow
Its loneliness she finds..."
loneliness indeed
we walked to the 76 station and she paid 85 bucks for an oil change on her new car. i totally didnt know she drove stick until just that moment, when she drove me to my car... (who said i was lazy, hmm?)but her new car is one, and she drives okay i guess....i helped her organize today, as usual...i find myself going over there on my usual days. i have usual days, tuesday and thursday. i dont know. its just something about her that makes me feel better, that makes me feel secure. i mean after kelsey and annie left, i dont know who to talk to anymore. i mean its hard, because i cant hang with them or anything...
...and christian doesnt talk to me anymore, because i have no one else to talk to, so i have to talk to bryce, and jessie seems to hate me too...sometimes i think that laura influenced them into not liking me too. i dont know why laura still treats me like she does, because i am really indiffrent towards her. i try to make it seem like i dont care about her or anyone else one way or another, but still it hurts. i try to make myself not care, but i do anyway. i am a damn softie. it sucks. no one talks to me anymore, except darren, bryce, john, and this guy that wants to be my study buddy. heather doesnt talk to me much anymore, cause she is too busy...
things are still going good with darren, but i dont get to see him everyday. its alright though, because i trust him, and i want us to be able to test our co-dependancy. we are doing fine, because we talk almost everyday, and we spend weekends together. i know band is going to get hectic soon, and we will have like one day a week to say hi to each other, but its okay, we are learning to love each other even when we cant see each other every moment. we understand our limits, and we seem to be working out just fine...no if people would just stop treating my friendship with bryce as more than it really is, it would be okay.
another anniversary is coming up, not the ones anyone would want to remember, but i guess i will have to try and stick this one out, because there is no one i can be with, no one at all....
...i miss my friends, and i dont know how this message got off the topic of cyndy at all...
..but i mean it, she makes me feel okay about things, sometimes at least. i feel better when she is around....i dont mind helping her out, and hanging out with her at lewis, but i just wish she would take me more seriously, and treat me like a real friend, not like a kid. i am getting older, and if the cards are dealt right, i wont be for much longer. life is so wicked, and i dont know how to make it right....
...she is so wonderful sometimes, when the moment is right. she seems like she really cares. like when we were walking, it felt okay, to be close to someone else. even if we did just that, walk and talk, it would make me feel better. i dont know how im going to deal with this next bad day alone, but i guess i will have to...
...so much for friends till the end right????
"And as the oceans slowly become shallow
Its loneliness she finds..."
loneliness indeed