What is my mind trying to tell me when I sleep?
Last night, I had two extremely vivid dreams. Both had lingering effects on how I've been feeling today.
My unconscious mind is trying to tell me something.
~*~
In the first one, I dreamt I was Pepper Potts, dealing with the typical Tony Stark bullshit in our relationship.
But my dream had taken place around the aftermath of Iron Man 3.
It wasn't bad, it was just...you know, Tony Stark stuff that he does that would piss Pepper off.
I can't remember exactly what was happening, or what we fought about.
But he knew how to make up for it.
He was really sweet and I felt so incredibly lucky. I could tell that he really, really loved me, underneath all that rough seemingly bullshitty exterior.
I remember the feeling of pure bliss I felt.
That this man who had everything, (money, fame, brains, charm, looks), and gave it all up for me.
That he loved me, and wanted the best for us.
When you have that, you will want for nothing.
I had felt insanely happy, I felt the joy she feels, their joy in their powerful bond of love. Real love.
I woke up, in the middle of the night, and upon realizing it was just a dream, I cried, as I remembered that those characters aren't real, and that I am not Pepper. I'm not even a huge Iron Man fan, I don't have a crush on Robert Downey Jr, (I'm actually in love with Steve Rodgers/Captain America, hahaha), but maybe Iron Man 3 was on the brain.
I just...love what they have.
Maybe I just identify with it because so many guys have been giving me bullshit similar to Tony's, except it's just bullshit.
So I guess I had that dream because...I just want someone to be real.
I want there to be some truth in all of this bullshit.
I am just sick of men thinking they're in love with me, lying to themselves, or lying to me.
Actions speak louder than words. (And no, not physical, romantic ones either.)
Talk is cheap. A kiss is cheap.
I mean real actions.
Like in how (***Iron Man 3 Spoiler alert*****) Tony gives up his suits so that he and Pepper can live a safer, happier, and more practical life. So that he can spare her of the danger he puts her through.
He's sparing her bullshit. Why?
Because he loves her so much, she's worth giving that up, even though it's been a huge part of who he is.
That's what love is.
Pepper Potts is a wonderful character. She is incredibly relatable to women like me. Why?
Because she is rare.
Apparently people like me are rare.
We are smart, down-to-earth, and caring. We have self respect, seeing through bullshit and not settling for less than what we deserve. We are ambitious and we really give it our all when a task is handed to us.
She is the very definition of a strong woman.
I know now that I am as well.
Men often want us, but they seldom deserve us.
I mean, Tony didn't really deserve Pepper until Iron Man 3.
He got pretty lucky in Iron Man 2, but because Pepper has a big heart, and a lot of patience. (Another characteristic we both have).
Too many people don't seem to realize that you only care for someone as far as you are willing to go for them.
So yeah...after waking up and feeling the initial depressed feeling when one realizes that their beautiful reality was merely a dream, I shed a few tears, and went back to sleep.
~*~
Another dream, another reality.
A friend of mine was missing. I think it was one of my old coworkers from my bar. A bunch of people I knew, friends and family were all staying in a big house on the shore of a great lake; I remember the weather was cloudy and rainy the entire time we were there.
We were seeking refuge from something. From what, I cannot remember. But we were looking for our lost friend.
All the while this was going on, there was a woman I had met whom I was vastly sexually attracted to. And she was the same to me.
It was odd, because I've never actually had a crush on a woman before. We had a lot of chemistry and I just wanted to be around her all the time. She expressed the same desire and I invited her to share my room with me.
Everyone told me what I was doing was wrong, not because she was a woman, but because I was apparently using her for selfish reasons.
They thought I was doing it out of rebellion. I wasn't sure if I was, I just wanted to be around her. I felt like she understood me in a way no man ever could, since so many have let me down. Sure, she couldn't give me the same things I want from a man, but I didn't care. It wasn't something I was even thinking too hard about in terms of what was to become of it - she made me feel understood and cared for, and I just wanted that.
But maybe they were right. Maybe I was using her for temporary gain. To temporarily fill the void that men have left.
I joked to my friends, "Haha, I guess Chad was right. Here I am on the brink of dating a woman because I am sick of men."
The doubts in my mind kept me from actually doing anything with this woman. But the desire was there. So was inner conflict if I was in it for the right reasons. Fuck it, I thought. I deserve a break.
Is this it?
Then I woke up.
~*~
Obviously, my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I know I have been feeling especially edgy this week and quick to feel frustrated with friends, particularly my male friends.
So...how do I fix this, whatever is bothering me?