The grandmothers
All night long, half wakeful, I call to the grandmothers across the veil. Send me wisdom, Send me comfort. Send me something that will help me to understand, to make some sense and meaning. It isn't that I am drowning, exactly, it's more that everything feels so incredibly chaotic and painful in the collective and I'm wide awake, present for all of it. I've healed enough to be hanging on to rim of reality in the storm of it all rather than floating in the ether of disassociation; pretending my opinions on anything matter one single fuck in the random grand scheme of things.
Dreams come and they don't make sense. I am working for a company that does live streaming and their office, which I have heard about many times, is this large open space with a loft. IT is painted entirely black. The ambience is surreal. I feel like I am inside a giant black womb, ensconced in it, in fact.
The boss has an office but it's in the very highest loft. He is a funky, kind, middle aged fat guy who keeps looking up at it with longing. I decide to ask him about the space since he never seems to go into it. He confesses he hasn't been up there for at least 2 years. It could be longer but his shame prevents him from keeping timelines. He is afraid, due to his size that he wont be able to make the climb.
We develop a strange attraction and bond to one another and his exuberance about our connection gives him the courage to climb the ladder to the loft. I follow him. He is full of his win, triumphant. He lays on an enormous bed in the black walled upstairs and I crawl onto the bed next to him and curl against him like a cat. If any of you have seen modern love on Amazon prime you will recall the vignette where the young girl who has father issues develops a bond with an older engineer who thinks he is developing an " adult intimate relationship" with her while she is happily leeching daddy vibes she has been starved for her entire life. That was me. I was laying curled up next to this fellow leeching comfort and safety. Two things I need a lot of right now.
Not sure what the grandmothers meant by any of it but I am recognizing that there was a lot of symbolism to unpack. I believe we are everything in the dream and that when we can analyze the perspective of each character and part ( I am the black womb-like office space, I am the loft, I am the fat guy afraid to climb the ladder, I am the vibe and ambience and I am me in the dream) then we have a complete picture and understanding.
I woke up feeling like I had slept too long. Groggy and still feeling water logged with emotional sludge. Physically I feel like shit. Im tired and everything hurts, my heart most of all. There is a pandemic raging and the world feels like it is on fire. Everyone is walking around bleeding from the pain of it all.
I pick flowers and light candles for the altar. I listen to the cloves on repeat and I call it another day.
Dreams come and they don't make sense. I am working for a company that does live streaming and their office, which I have heard about many times, is this large open space with a loft. IT is painted entirely black. The ambience is surreal. I feel like I am inside a giant black womb, ensconced in it, in fact.
The boss has an office but it's in the very highest loft. He is a funky, kind, middle aged fat guy who keeps looking up at it with longing. I decide to ask him about the space since he never seems to go into it. He confesses he hasn't been up there for at least 2 years. It could be longer but his shame prevents him from keeping timelines. He is afraid, due to his size that he wont be able to make the climb.
We develop a strange attraction and bond to one another and his exuberance about our connection gives him the courage to climb the ladder to the loft. I follow him. He is full of his win, triumphant. He lays on an enormous bed in the black walled upstairs and I crawl onto the bed next to him and curl against him like a cat. If any of you have seen modern love on Amazon prime you will recall the vignette where the young girl who has father issues develops a bond with an older engineer who thinks he is developing an " adult intimate relationship" with her while she is happily leeching daddy vibes she has been starved for her entire life. That was me. I was laying curled up next to this fellow leeching comfort and safety. Two things I need a lot of right now.
Not sure what the grandmothers meant by any of it but I am recognizing that there was a lot of symbolism to unpack. I believe we are everything in the dream and that when we can analyze the perspective of each character and part ( I am the black womb-like office space, I am the loft, I am the fat guy afraid to climb the ladder, I am the vibe and ambience and I am me in the dream) then we have a complete picture and understanding.
I woke up feeling like I had slept too long. Groggy and still feeling water logged with emotional sludge. Physically I feel like shit. Im tired and everything hurts, my heart most of all. There is a pandemic raging and the world feels like it is on fire. Everyone is walking around bleeding from the pain of it all.
I pick flowers and light candles for the altar. I listen to the cloves on repeat and I call it another day.