I want to transgress against myself.
I hate John. No idea why, I just do. The only people I've had a decent, rather actual, conversation with recently have been him and Megan. (Sidenote: I've missed Megan, a lot; and, Rebecca because she'somgsocuteandjewishandhasGIRLproblems. AWWWW. *pokes fun.*) But honestly, I hate it. I hate, hate, hate the fact that there is almost nobody left to talk to. It isn't arrogance on my part, anymore, it's simply that I feel this disconnect with other people. Like I'm on another level -- whether it's elevated or not is not my concern, I don't care. These petty problems are not my problems, these sexuality and relationships are not where I am. They have been at times, yes. It's tiring. (I still hate John. I feel like he humours me by avoiding my questions but still talks to me in roundabout ways. I really hate John. Or I really hate the fact that he represents the fact that I hate women. And men. At the same time. Or I really hate the fact that I feel like I am not losing people, but people are losing me. Or I don't hate that, but I'm afraid that when I'm lost: no one will look for me (which they will, not the point.) But, I hate John. And I do not want to be found.)
Yes, I really do (hate men, that is.) But the issue is that, at this age of insecurity, confusion, and pettiness: I also hate girls. Romance is boring, love is messy, friendship does not last at this age. (Note: This is simply my perspective. If you think/feel otherwise, good for you! I am truly glad that there is a difference of opinion between us as maybe you can help me see your side much clearer. If you have a logical argument as to why I should think differently, argue! Speak! Thank you! But, if you simply disagree because I am flat-out wrong and you cannot back it up: fuck off.) The thing about relationships that I have now, aside from my blood relations, is that they are so brittle. That is not to say that these relationships should last forever, because they should not. This is a stage of metamorphosis for me and I cannot imagine that I am alone in that belief/stage. I cannot nor do not want to keep a tight grip on who I am now because I want to evolve. This caged bullshit is getting to me, I must say.
Frankly, I am not afraid of dying. Death is not a big, scary thing to me since Death has pitched its gates at my door. I have done enough and if I die, I do not feel like I am a failure and have not accomplished anything. But in concerns to this Avian flu which could possibly become a pandemic, I do not want to die now. If I die, I die. Okay, I can accept that. But I do not want to die so soon. Even if I have done things and felt proud of my work, there is still so much more that I can/could do. I am afraid that it will take those that mean something to me. (The number for that, excluding my cats (2 kitties, beautiful creatures), would be five. Four of those would be devastating and the fifth depressing. I am a terrible person, but at least I am honest.) There are things that I want and my fear is that I will not be able to attain them. No, unlike the way that sounds, the wants are not material. I am afraid that I am evil, I am afraid that I will die (sooner rather than later), I am afraid that I will not get what I want... what am I not afraid of? (Probably more than I give myself credit.)
[EDIT: Now at least the journal/userinfo pages look decent. I wish I had enough time to devote to layout-manufactoring.
Tori took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!
"Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a ..."
Click here to read the rest of the results.
]
Yes, I really do (hate men, that is.) But the issue is that, at this age of insecurity, confusion, and pettiness: I also hate girls. Romance is boring, love is messy, friendship does not last at this age. (Note: This is simply my perspective. If you think/feel otherwise, good for you! I am truly glad that there is a difference of opinion between us as maybe you can help me see your side much clearer. If you have a logical argument as to why I should think differently, argue! Speak! Thank you! But, if you simply disagree because I am flat-out wrong and you cannot back it up: fuck off.) The thing about relationships that I have now, aside from my blood relations, is that they are so brittle. That is not to say that these relationships should last forever, because they should not. This is a stage of metamorphosis for me and I cannot imagine that I am alone in that belief/stage. I cannot nor do not want to keep a tight grip on who I am now because I want to evolve. This caged bullshit is getting to me, I must say.
Frankly, I am not afraid of dying. Death is not a big, scary thing to me since Death has pitched its gates at my door. I have done enough and if I die, I do not feel like I am a failure and have not accomplished anything. But in concerns to this Avian flu which could possibly become a pandemic, I do not want to die now. If I die, I die. Okay, I can accept that. But I do not want to die so soon. Even if I have done things and felt proud of my work, there is still so much more that I can/could do. I am afraid that it will take those that mean something to me. (The number for that, excluding my cats (2 kitties, beautiful creatures), would be five. Four of those would be devastating and the fifth depressing. I am a terrible person, but at least I am honest.) There are things that I want and my fear is that I will not be able to attain them. No, unlike the way that sounds, the wants are not material. I am afraid that I am evil, I am afraid that I will die (sooner rather than later), I am afraid that I will not get what I want... what am I not afraid of? (Probably more than I give myself credit.)
[EDIT: Now at least the journal/userinfo pages look decent. I wish I had enough time to devote to layout-manufactoring.
Tori took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!
"Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a ..."
Click here to read the rest of the results.
]