unfinished letter to Manuel Dolim.
9-18-06
I can’t even begin to fathom what I could have possibly done to drive you away. But now, it seems I drive everyone away. You must have been the start of the curse, because now, nobody seems to want me. I still constantly thirst for love and attention, for your love and attention. I try to find you through whoever drifts in and out of my life. I try to find you even though I hate you. But if you came back, for just one second…and said you were sorry and said you were wrong, then maybe everything could change. If I knew that you cared, even the slightest bit….would I be different?
I was only 11 when you physically left, but in truth you were never there to begin with. I often say your name in my head over and over and think ‘who is that? What’s he like?’. All I know is the colorful stories of your comical demeanor. But who are you really?
Do we make the same faces? Do we eat the same things? Has anything about you carried over into my body and soul aside from DNA? Do we have the same hands?
I always notice hands, but never on you. I am constantly looking for hands to take care of me. Nice hands, strong hands, unwavering hands. Hands that won’t leave… like my Nana’s. I trust her hands. They would rub my arms, when I was cold out of a bath and wrapped in a towel. They would take care of everyone with out hesitation. She was steady. She was real.