[For Dick]

[vat_69]

Alcoholic though he may be, it's unusual for Lew to find himself genuinely drunk these days; in fact, alcoholism generally precludes it, as it takes quite a lot more of the stuff to get him properly sloshed than your average man. It had been his birthday, though, and Harry had insisted, jumping around like a little boozy imp, and hell, like Lew

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[not_a_quaker]

I've enjoyed the evening, even more so because I could tell Harry and Nix were having quite a good time, at least from what I could see. Nix heads off to bed a little earlier than I expect, though I'm not completely surprised, given how much he's had to drink. I sack out not long after, once most everything's squared away with just a small amount of cleaning left for the morning. It doesn't take me long to fall asleep.

NIX!

It's that same old nightmare, the retreat from a failed Market-Garden, the one where I relive the moment of Nix getting shot. Except this time, as it sometimes happens in my nightmare, the bullet leaves much more than a mark on his forehead and two holes in his helmet. It finds its target, and I'm left watching in horror as my best friend is thrown backwards to the ground. His name tears from my throat, and I hurtle myself toward him only to find vacant eyes as I fall to the ground next to him and look down at his face.

It's not a new dream, and yet it seems different this time. Before, there was always an awareness in the back of my mind that it's just a nightmare. And yet this time, it seems so real and so vivid that I start to believe it's actually happening. I'm actually watching Nix die, and there's nothing I can do about it.

As I cry out in the dream, I'm suddenly jerked awake, and I can't be sure I didn't actually yell in my sleep. I sit bolt upright, vaguely aware that I'm sweating, and the only thing I can think is that I have to make sure Nix is okay. I can't do anything else, can't even think of going back to sleep, before I do that. It only takes a moment from sitting up for me to decide this, and without a second thought I'm out of bed and flinging the door open that connects our rooms.

The dream is still so real in my mind that for a split second I actually see the blood on Nix, for one terrifying heartbeat he's in his uniform with his helmet fallen to the side and his face covered in blood. Then I blink and it's gone, it's just Nix and he's fine and all I can do is stand there, clad only in pajama pants and taking heaving breaths like I've just run a sprint.

[vat_69]

The noise from the door is slow to filter through the mantle of sleep, Lew's reaction a delayed half-groan and scrunching up of his face in protest. He scratches sloppily at his stomach, flutters eyes open just enough to make out the figure lurking in the dark.

"'Sokay. C'mere," he drowsily slurs, awake but still hazy with dreaming and not quite aware of himself.

[not_a_quaker]

Nix is clearly not fully awake, and I'm not even sure he knows it's me. I rake a hand through my hair as I go to stand beside his bed, my speech uncharacteristically hesitant and choppy.

"It...it was a dream," I say, my throat slightly scratchy, and I wonder if I did indeed yell out in my sleep. "Market Garden - when you - but you were dead, it wasn't just the helmet - and it was so goddamn real."

[vat_69]

Heavy, searching fingers waver briefly in the air and then catch hold of Dick's closest hand, curl around it surprisingly strongly under the circumstances. "I'm right here, Dick," Lew drawls on a yawn, and gives the hand a squeeze. "Come back to bed."

[not_a_quaker]

So he does know it's me, then, and a funny little jolt goes through me as he catches hold of my hand. I allow myself to be pulled, still not sure Nix is completely aware of what he's doing. "It was silly of me," I say as I sit on the side of the bed. "I know it was a dream - a nightmare - but I still had to be sure." With the way this goddamn island is, I could have woken up to find him vanished.

[vat_69]

The mattress dips when Dick sits down, and maybe it's the movement or maybe just the warmth of his body that pulls Lew a little more awake, a little more lucid. He lets go of Dick's hand to scrub fingers through his messy hair, and then props himself up on one palm with a sigh.

"I'm right here," he repeats, voice stronger, and places his free hand reassuringly against the back of Dick's neck. "You're not silly, I probably would have done the same thing."

[not_a_quaker]

The familiarity of Nix's hand on the back of my neck is somehow both calming and exciting, and my gaze falls to the rumpled sheet before I look back up at him. "I guess the men disappearing lately has me more worked up than I realized," I say, still in search of an explanation even though Nix has said it's all right.

[vat_69]

The window's open, shutter propped up to let in the breeze, but it's almost dizzyingly warm here on the bed with Dick, sleep still clinging to Lew's thoughts and making everything seem pleasantly fuzzy, like he's looking at life through one of those filters they use to shoot movie stars. For a long moment he just looks at Dick, at the uncertainty and worry lingering on his familiar face, and he thinks, I will never love anyone as much as I love you. Because Lew is a bastard, make absolutely no mistake, but here Dick is, perched on the edge of his bed and stressed over the nightmare not of monsters, but simply of Lew not being there anymore.

"Fuck it," he says in a heated whisper mostly to himself, and just goes ahead and does it: Kisses Dick on the lips, and if it goes as poorly as Lew's sure it will, he'll blame the alcohol or he'll blame being sleepy, but there's a part of him sure as he's been of anything in his life that if he squanders this opportunity he'll always regret it.

[not_a_quaker]

Nix is looking at me in a way I can't quite figure out, and I think I might be melting a little, but I can't be completely sure because I've never felt anything like this. Then he kisses me. Nix kisses me, and for the briefest of moments a memory surfaces, of hitchhiking home for Christmas less than two weeks after Pearl Harbor and being picked up by a man who made a pass at me. It had made me uncomfortable, and slightly shaken even after he'd let me out of the car, completely cordial.

This is nothing like that.

I'm normally so careful with everything, controlled and logical, but I don't even have to think about this. Kissing him back seems as natural as breathing, and I don't stop to contemplate the meaning behind that. Nix's lips are warm, and I swear my heartbeat can be heard as my hand curls around the first part of him I reach, which turns out to be his arm.

[vat_69]

Lew should be stuttering apologies by now, spitting out half-assed excuses, but instead he's got the absolute last thing he expected: Dick kissing him back, and enthusiastically at that. This is so surprising that despite the fact that Lew initiated the kiss, he stills for a long moment in shock, eyes open in disbelief, thinking maybe, just maybe, he's dreamed this whole thing up. But there's no doubt that it's Dick kissing him, touching him, and clearly enjoying both of those things, and Lew falls into it, eyes slipping closed again, eager and breathless, both hands against Dick's neck and pulling him closer.

[not_a_quaker]

Part of me is wondering if this isn't real, if maybe I'm still dreaming and any second now I'll wake up, alone and still in my own bed. I was confused for a long while, and for weeks now I've kept silent as my feelings started to make sense to me and started to take shape, thinking it would be a huge mistake to jeopardize my friendship with the most important person in my life. Yet here we are - and what's more, Nix was the one to initiate it. Maybe a more cynical person would think he was messing with me, but I know him better than that.

The beliefs I was raised with tell me this is wrong. But now, now that I'm here in this moment, I can't for the life of me figure out how something that feels so natural and so thrilling could be wrong. And I still can't quite believe it's really happening.

[vat_69]

When Lew pulls back, he's flushed and panting, practically dizzy just from the reality of who he was just kissing, and his hands slip down to Dick's shoulders to steady himself. Were the situation any less tangible, he'd assume he was dreaming.

"Guess that cat's out of the bag," he says, wry and vaguely self-deprecating, using humor as a shield for whatever disappointment might come next.

[not_a_quaker]

I have to take a second to catch my breath, covering one of Nix's hands with my own in the moment of silence. Even though I know he wouldn't, some small part of me is nevertheless waiting for him to say 'just kidding' or to reveal he just won a bet.

Mostly, though, I just want him to do that again.

"Looks that way," I reply, and my gaze keeps dropping to his lips. I wonder if I look silly, or overly flustered. "I'm - not sure what to do now." I don't know that I've ever said that to anyone in my life.