i want to strangle the stars ...
Someone actually said to me last night "All's fair in love and war". "All's fair..." is one of those absolutely idiotic Renaissance phrases that baffle me every time. "Everything is NOT fair" I said. There are codes and rules and regulations laying out the plays for war and interactions between the sexes (or within the sexes). They draw the lines of morality, of being a good person and a bad person. "You," I told her, "are for example a good person."
"You think I'm a good person?!"
"Well you would never..." and I gave her an example. And then I told her that someone once accused her of trying to steal a boyfriend. I was so horrified by the sullying of my friend's reputation (with behavior that she has proven she finds abhorrent through a great deal of sacrifice on her part) that I stopped talking to the accuser. I have really cool friends. They take real hits when it means being true to what they believe in, whatever that is. They're ... I don't know ... real people.
All isn't fair. But All is a choice and it determines who you are.
Which again, sucks if your obsessive about this sort of thing: morality, love and war.
I still can't sleep right since psudo-lying to a friend of mine on Monday.
I give up caring. A few months ago I just gave up and put into place a plan that I should have fulfilled by now. And not caring was AWESOME and fabulous. It wasn't like turning off the internal switch, it was like pulling a curtain. It was stopping where you stood. Everything was happier, and I had a goal.
Then someone comes around and gets me to care again when I wasn't looking and I don't know why and I don't know how and the whole thing is strange and confusing but I'm happier than I've been in... it was weird. You know what caring gets you? It gets you the real world creeping up around the edges and devouring everything, tainting it. There's no where to run away and there's no way to stand and fight. It gets you wanting to stop unstoppable things.
I want to go back to not caring. Caring is awful. Caring is madness.
This world is full of the madness of caring. Isn't that some pop culture definition of crazy -- doing the same thing over and over again knowing it won't work? I hate this sick feeling. I hate not being able to turn away. I hate being shocked by selfish or hurtful behavior. I hate how it's a disease and while one situation might have me in a panic, it'll spread back to everything around me. It'll infect everything around me. This world will come crashing in until it's all tainted and there's no where to breath because nothing can be saved.
I hate the emotional explosion of it all. I hate being out of control.
I'm like my father I guess, and how I imagine his father. You ride out into open country for weeks at a time, you watch your John Wayne (or in my case your Clint), your friends all grew up on the tracks behind the stockyard and you're all priests or sinners, but you're all believers and you'll all share a pint for it.
I can't stand waking up and thinking about this stuff anymore. You hear me world? You already won. Bugger it.