Truth Be Known
I'm not fishing for compliments and I'm not trying to play "the victim", but some things have been pissing me off and/or getting on my last fucking nerve. First off, I'm tired of being underestimated. I'm tired of a lot of people making me feel useless because I don't have a degree. No one has to say anything, they can just elude to it. One of my "friends", who I will no longer talk to because she's fucked her second chance up, tells me that she was impressed with words I used because she thought I wouldn't have known what they meant. Okay, fuck her. Gone. One less person I have in my life. Next.
Back to the degree thing. Almost everyone I know has a degree and is "going somewhere" in life. My mom, most of my friends, most of my family and this idiot-I-know have degrees. Okay, I dropped out of college to make money so that I could support myself. Am I proud of that? In most ways, yes. I wasn't ready for college at the time. I had just got out of my shitty fucking teen years which were desolate and painful. I was ready for fun. Hell, all I did in my high school years was work for my homeschooling and studying for my GED. I skipped 2 grades and I was done. That's what you get folks when you're a victim of PTSD and agoraphobia. Needless to say when that shit was over and I had a kick ass job that I loved, college wasn't on my mind. It also wasn't on my mind when I lost that job and went through a series of crap jobs to make a living with my boyfriend at the time who I lived with and who spent a lot of my money. Now that 6 year period is up, college is on my mind. But, really what's the fucking point? To make me smarter? With all due respect, I know a lot of people who have degrees that I'm not sure how they got them. I like to study and do work and I'd love to dive into some intense English and psychology classes, but I'm better at doing that shit on my own. I'm fiercely independent even when it comes to this stuff. I guess that's the downfall of homeschooling.
Also, why would I want a degree in terms of making "better money" when I fucking hate money? Why would I want in abundance something that makes me angry?
I think people get degrees either: A) because of their parents B) because they want something to make them feel superior C) because they love to be important and have to have a high ranking in whatever career they choose. I couldn't give a shit. "You're nothing without a degree." Yeah, I'll keep that in mind when you're laying somewhere in dire need of my help.
I also think of Logan Miller, a loser from middle school, and what he said to me when he came into Movie Gallery when I was working there. He tells me, and I paraphrase, "Yeah, I'm going off to college this fall. I don't want to be stuck in a dead-end job like...well, like this place." This quote followed by a smirk and him nonchalantly walking out the door. So, I have two conclusions why people stomp on me and treat me like shit on this subject. First is, people see how intelligent I am and don't understand why I'm not "furthering myself", or they don't take the time to know me and they just hate me right off the bat like everyone has always done me. Either way, I'm tired of the abuse.
Speaking of abuse, this is the shit that has fucked me up in life. I can't complain about my childhood as far as my home life. I had loving parents and I never went hungry, but as far as school went it was brutal. I was somewhat poor and wore my brothers hand-me-downs (by choice, mind you), and I've worn glasses since second grade. I was always smarter than the other kids and most of the time had my nose in a book. I know everyone gets picked on in school, but some people find it hard to believe that I was called fat, ugly, poor, stupid, etc. I wasn't lucky living in a white picket fence town. I, on the other hand, heard non-stop verbal abuse all fucking day. When you get pummeled with this shit in your formative years it has a lot to do with what kind of person you grow into. So glad for homeschooling because when high school came I was done. I know the world doesn't revolve around me and didn't then, but I'd like to think that people remembered the good things about me when I faded into oblivion. I don't see that this was possible due to the fact that the guys that raped me went to this school and I'm sure they slandered me. Besides, my friends were their friends and I'm sure since I was nowhere around they agreed with their bullshit just to keep peace. Why I've forgiven some of these people is beyond me, but I know for a fact that my own best friend at the time wasn't sticking up for me. Why? Why me? Honestly what the HELL have I done for people to hate me? I could understand if I were a conniving bitch and did mean things, but all I ever did was give and give.
I hate life sometimes. I really do. But, I win because most days I love it because I love who I am. I'm a great person and there is no way anyone could argue.
Back to the degree thing. Almost everyone I know has a degree and is "going somewhere" in life. My mom, most of my friends, most of my family and this idiot-I-know have degrees. Okay, I dropped out of college to make money so that I could support myself. Am I proud of that? In most ways, yes. I wasn't ready for college at the time. I had just got out of my shitty fucking teen years which were desolate and painful. I was ready for fun. Hell, all I did in my high school years was work for my homeschooling and studying for my GED. I skipped 2 grades and I was done. That's what you get folks when you're a victim of PTSD and agoraphobia. Needless to say when that shit was over and I had a kick ass job that I loved, college wasn't on my mind. It also wasn't on my mind when I lost that job and went through a series of crap jobs to make a living with my boyfriend at the time who I lived with and who spent a lot of my money. Now that 6 year period is up, college is on my mind. But, really what's the fucking point? To make me smarter? With all due respect, I know a lot of people who have degrees that I'm not sure how they got them. I like to study and do work and I'd love to dive into some intense English and psychology classes, but I'm better at doing that shit on my own. I'm fiercely independent even when it comes to this stuff. I guess that's the downfall of homeschooling.
Also, why would I want a degree in terms of making "better money" when I fucking hate money? Why would I want in abundance something that makes me angry?
I think people get degrees either: A) because of their parents B) because they want something to make them feel superior C) because they love to be important and have to have a high ranking in whatever career they choose. I couldn't give a shit. "You're nothing without a degree." Yeah, I'll keep that in mind when you're laying somewhere in dire need of my help.
I also think of Logan Miller, a loser from middle school, and what he said to me when he came into Movie Gallery when I was working there. He tells me, and I paraphrase, "Yeah, I'm going off to college this fall. I don't want to be stuck in a dead-end job like...well, like this place." This quote followed by a smirk and him nonchalantly walking out the door. So, I have two conclusions why people stomp on me and treat me like shit on this subject. First is, people see how intelligent I am and don't understand why I'm not "furthering myself", or they don't take the time to know me and they just hate me right off the bat like everyone has always done me. Either way, I'm tired of the abuse.
Speaking of abuse, this is the shit that has fucked me up in life. I can't complain about my childhood as far as my home life. I had loving parents and I never went hungry, but as far as school went it was brutal. I was somewhat poor and wore my brothers hand-me-downs (by choice, mind you), and I've worn glasses since second grade. I was always smarter than the other kids and most of the time had my nose in a book. I know everyone gets picked on in school, but some people find it hard to believe that I was called fat, ugly, poor, stupid, etc. I wasn't lucky living in a white picket fence town. I, on the other hand, heard non-stop verbal abuse all fucking day. When you get pummeled with this shit in your formative years it has a lot to do with what kind of person you grow into. So glad for homeschooling because when high school came I was done. I know the world doesn't revolve around me and didn't then, but I'd like to think that people remembered the good things about me when I faded into oblivion. I don't see that this was possible due to the fact that the guys that raped me went to this school and I'm sure they slandered me. Besides, my friends were their friends and I'm sure since I was nowhere around they agreed with their bullshit just to keep peace. Why I've forgiven some of these people is beyond me, but I know for a fact that my own best friend at the time wasn't sticking up for me. Why? Why me? Honestly what the HELL have I done for people to hate me? I could understand if I were a conniving bitch and did mean things, but all I ever did was give and give.
I hate life sometimes. I really do. But, I win because most days I love it because I love who I am. I'm a great person and there is no way anyone could argue.