Trying my best to Avoid going into Hospital.
"Oh that this too, too solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew...
...or that the everlasting had no fixed his cannon 'gainst self-slaughter. Oh God, God how weary stale flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world! Fie on't ah fie! Til an unweeded garden that grows to seed - things rank and gross in nature posses it merely."
Good ole Shakespeare always did know his shit didn't he? Coz that's exactly what I'm feeling like now. The first line particularly embodies everything I feel completely. I don't want to live but I can't do anything to end it so I've just taken to sleeping non-stop again. The hope is always there that I'll never wake up again my solid or sullied (depending on translation - both work!) flesh will melt away and I'll dissolve as though I was never here at all.
Sorry to anyone who reads this - though I'm sure no one is reading my journal - this is a really depressing entry and it won't get better. I didn't go to my depression group again this week. Last week I went for the first time in about 6 weeks. While I was there I saw my psychiatrist who added Lithium to my meds and told me I need to come back into the hospital. I agreed to go back in but not until next week - I told her that seeing as it's my birthday this Thursday I didn't want to be in hospital again coz I was in hospital for me birthday last year. She said that would be fine and to organize it with the admissions lady. Well she wasn't there that day which meant og course I should have rung her the next day...or the next...or at some point. But I've got to a point now that I'm obsessed with not going in and I also cancelled my appointment with my clinical psychologist tomorrow. I haven't seen her for about 6 weeks either. Before that I was seeing her weekly, the psychiatrist every 2-3 weeks and going to group weekly.But I'm just so sick of all this shit! Where has it got me? I feel worse than ever and have been soo close to ending everything a few times. Bloody Shakespeare got that right too
"To die, to sleep. To sleep perchance to dream. Ay there's the rub - for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause."
Oh god I must sound so wanky and melodramatic and self pitying in this post - so once again if anyone is actually reading this I'm really, really sorry for sounding like such a tosser and quoting bloody Hamlet but hey! If there's ever going to be a character that I can identify with is somewhat fitting that it should be the ultimate procrastinator!
So my psychologist called back a few times to speak to me today but I refused to take the phone - oh yeah- I am in all out Avoidant mode right now. I think it the AvPD that's got my Major Depression so bad at the moment and just can't... I don't know! All I know is I'm sick of feeling so shit...so beyond shit that there isn't even a word for it. I'm sick of crying too and just sick of everything! I don't want to talk to Pdocs (that Psychiatrists & Psychologists for those that don't know) and I really, really don't want to go into hospital. I know going in helped me last year but I was in a whole different frame of mind then. I could go to all the groups and take everything in and I had the energy to put into it. But I just don't want to be around people and don't want to go to groups. Mum repeated this to my psychologist and she reckons she can get me in & I won't have to go to groups but what's the point? I would just stay in my room there like I am here except there I'd sleep like shit because they come round all night shining a torch in your eyes and I'd have to sleep with ear-plugs again because the people who get up really early don't shut the fuck up! And I don't want to be around people for meals so I'd start off by getting a tray in my room and then be hassled about it all the time because I really should try which is also exactly what I see happening with me not going to groups. At first they'll leave me alone and then they'll start at me how I should be going blah blah it's the best things for me blah blah. And the final thing is if I'm not going to groups how long are they going to keep me there? A full sequence of groups takes 3weeks so that's the minimum of time to be in - that's how long I was in last time. Others who were then were in longer and they were going to some groups so if I'm not going to any how long will they make me stay in?
And the whole time I'm in there I would have either of the two things that actually keep me somewhat sane in life. My dog and the internet. Mum's said they'll bring my dog to visit me in the grounds but that's not the same as having him curled up on my lap when I feel like shit - like he is now curled up next to me. And I guess I could buy a wireless internet usb but how quickly would I use that up? It would cost a friggen fortune to have that for weeks to months!
My family's all suppose to be coming on Sun to celebrate my Birthday (which is on Thurs) but I've told Mum to cancel it coz I don't want to celebrate or see my family. Maybe I should reconsider - I could say Hey I'll put up with everyone coming if I don't have to go to hospital. Doubt it will work though. Mum's all but begging me to go saying she & Dad don't know how to help me. I keep telling her that they can't help me and neither can the hospital but she still seems convinced there some fucking magical cure out there for me & I just have to keep trying to find it. If if there was and I know there's not, I just don't have any fight left in me anymore to keep searching for it. I'm sick of having to fight every fucking day with my own thoughts and feelings. I'm just so tired and I want to let go of it all... I know in the end Mum & the pdocs will win though, because no matter how terrified I am of going back in there, I feel guilty for putting Mum through this and the reason I've avoided talking to the pdocs is that i know as soon as they put any pressure on me I'll cave coz I can't never stand up to anyone (ironically something they were suppose to be helping me with)
I don't want to go back to the fucking hospital but I know that exactly where I'll end up no matter how I feel about it!
Goddammit now I'm fucking crying again! I need my dog.
...or that the everlasting had no fixed his cannon 'gainst self-slaughter. Oh God, God how weary stale flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world! Fie on't ah fie! Til an unweeded garden that grows to seed - things rank and gross in nature posses it merely."
Good ole Shakespeare always did know his shit didn't he? Coz that's exactly what I'm feeling like now. The first line particularly embodies everything I feel completely. I don't want to live but I can't do anything to end it so I've just taken to sleeping non-stop again. The hope is always there that I'll never wake up again my solid or sullied (depending on translation - both work!) flesh will melt away and I'll dissolve as though I was never here at all.
Sorry to anyone who reads this - though I'm sure no one is reading my journal - this is a really depressing entry and it won't get better. I didn't go to my depression group again this week. Last week I went for the first time in about 6 weeks. While I was there I saw my psychiatrist who added Lithium to my meds and told me I need to come back into the hospital. I agreed to go back in but not until next week - I told her that seeing as it's my birthday this Thursday I didn't want to be in hospital again coz I was in hospital for me birthday last year. She said that would be fine and to organize it with the admissions lady. Well she wasn't there that day which meant og course I should have rung her the next day...or the next...or at some point. But I've got to a point now that I'm obsessed with not going in and I also cancelled my appointment with my clinical psychologist tomorrow. I haven't seen her for about 6 weeks either. Before that I was seeing her weekly, the psychiatrist every 2-3 weeks and going to group weekly.But I'm just so sick of all this shit! Where has it got me? I feel worse than ever and have been soo close to ending everything a few times. Bloody Shakespeare got that right too
"To die, to sleep. To sleep perchance to dream. Ay there's the rub - for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause."
Oh god I must sound so wanky and melodramatic and self pitying in this post - so once again if anyone is actually reading this I'm really, really sorry for sounding like such a tosser and quoting bloody Hamlet but hey! If there's ever going to be a character that I can identify with is somewhat fitting that it should be the ultimate procrastinator!
So my psychologist called back a few times to speak to me today but I refused to take the phone - oh yeah- I am in all out Avoidant mode right now. I think it the AvPD that's got my Major Depression so bad at the moment and just can't... I don't know! All I know is I'm sick of feeling so shit...so beyond shit that there isn't even a word for it. I'm sick of crying too and just sick of everything! I don't want to talk to Pdocs (that Psychiatrists & Psychologists for those that don't know) and I really, really don't want to go into hospital. I know going in helped me last year but I was in a whole different frame of mind then. I could go to all the groups and take everything in and I had the energy to put into it. But I just don't want to be around people and don't want to go to groups. Mum repeated this to my psychologist and she reckons she can get me in & I won't have to go to groups but what's the point? I would just stay in my room there like I am here except there I'd sleep like shit because they come round all night shining a torch in your eyes and I'd have to sleep with ear-plugs again because the people who get up really early don't shut the fuck up! And I don't want to be around people for meals so I'd start off by getting a tray in my room and then be hassled about it all the time because I really should try which is also exactly what I see happening with me not going to groups. At first they'll leave me alone and then they'll start at me how I should be going blah blah it's the best things for me blah blah. And the final thing is if I'm not going to groups how long are they going to keep me there? A full sequence of groups takes 3weeks so that's the minimum of time to be in - that's how long I was in last time. Others who were then were in longer and they were going to some groups so if I'm not going to any how long will they make me stay in?
And the whole time I'm in there I would have either of the two things that actually keep me somewhat sane in life. My dog and the internet. Mum's said they'll bring my dog to visit me in the grounds but that's not the same as having him curled up on my lap when I feel like shit - like he is now curled up next to me. And I guess I could buy a wireless internet usb but how quickly would I use that up? It would cost a friggen fortune to have that for weeks to months!
My family's all suppose to be coming on Sun to celebrate my Birthday (which is on Thurs) but I've told Mum to cancel it coz I don't want to celebrate or see my family. Maybe I should reconsider - I could say Hey I'll put up with everyone coming if I don't have to go to hospital. Doubt it will work though. Mum's all but begging me to go saying she & Dad don't know how to help me. I keep telling her that they can't help me and neither can the hospital but she still seems convinced there some fucking magical cure out there for me & I just have to keep trying to find it. If if there was and I know there's not, I just don't have any fight left in me anymore to keep searching for it. I'm sick of having to fight every fucking day with my own thoughts and feelings. I'm just so tired and I want to let go of it all... I know in the end Mum & the pdocs will win though, because no matter how terrified I am of going back in there, I feel guilty for putting Mum through this and the reason I've avoided talking to the pdocs is that i know as soon as they put any pressure on me I'll cave coz I can't never stand up to anyone (ironically something they were suppose to be helping me with)
I don't want to go back to the fucking hospital but I know that exactly where I'll end up no matter how I feel about it!
Goddammit now I'm fucking crying again! I need my dog.