Ramblings
Haha haven’t posted here in eons. :D
A lot of things has happened since then, from Council to CTs to 5C11. Some good, some bad, some awesome, some downright disastrous. I’ll probably just get some things off my mind.
CTs was... well I can’t say I like to think about it, not so much because of the results or anything, but more of the process and the run-up to it. I admit I didn’t do my best in preparation for this round of CTs, which I put to laziness and lack of motivation. This isn’t something I’m proud to admit, but its the truth. Wenxin was kinda surprised when I told her I didn’t study, cause I’ve generally been quite conscientious for most of the first half of the year. I’d go as far to say that it’s the most hardworking I’ve been in secondary school. So why the drastic drop?
Maybe it’s always been my base nature to be this way. For the most part of the year, I’ve been fairly motivated, by what I’m not too sure. Perhaps it’s council, to an extent I think it is. I’ve always been somewhat anti-populist, anti-mainstream, what most people do, I tend to rebel against and not do. Hence my musical and movie tastes. Likewise, when I perceive people not to study, I do, and vice versa. I’m not trying to imply anything about anyone else, so please don’t take offense at it. That’s why I stated it’s what I perceive. Anyhow, I can’t really explain it, but it’s just a natural impulse and feeling that I get. Thus, my motivations at perhaps not the most appropriate time. (Gosh this is starting to feel like a history essay).
I know it’s not the most responsible mindset, not the most respectable one, but as they say, old habits die hard, even more so when it’s ingrained without any conscious effort. I guess I should be more influenced now that I’m around incredibly hardworking and admirable people more, like Siswo, Weijia, my class and council in general. I guess it’s something I’ve been saying for a very long time, but it’s a world of difference, knowing it and doing it. Takes time I guess.
I still remember the post that I posted in my old, short-lived blog, about being hardworking in Year 3 EOYS, and hoping to carry it over to Year 4. It does seem somewhat relevant in a sense. Hardworking I have been to an extent, but it sucks to find myself slipping back into old habits again.
Distractions are another thing. In school I generally find it easier to stay on task due to the pretty conducive environment of the SC room and the school in general. The guilt factor of straying also plays a part haha. But at home I guess there are less things to remind me and its therefore a lot easier to just push what I need to do aside for what I want to do. It does seem as though I’m blaming everything but myself, but no, not really.
I’ll put this down to my lack of self-discipline, perhaps the real crux of the issue. I once saw on someone’s status message, Benz I think, something along the lines of “Where can I buy self-discipline?” I think a lot of us thinks this, if only it were this easy, that it came in a bag. But it ain’t. It’s up to us to craft our lives. I guess it’s a combination of everything I’ve said, motivation, focus, setting goals and sticking to it. It’s not just a matter of knowing it, it’s doing it, the tough part. I’ve been checking out various methods, but I guess I actually have to carry it out for it to take effect, not just chucking it aside because it seemed too “ complicated and time-consuming”. Fear I suppose. Fear of falling, of not knowing what to do, of screwing up. But like /th put to me, “Don’t let the fear of striking out stop you from playing the game” :)
On to the next issue. This past week, the faux-holiday so to speak, has been a mixed bag. I’ve spent some days at home, surfing the net, playing Dungeon Siege and Sonny, slacking in general. And no matter how much I try to justify it, I know deep down it’s still just procrastination and a lack of productivity. Hmm. Another thing I have to change about myself, still ultimately linked to self-discipline.
I’ve been trying to plan a few outings during the week, but in the end, only one transpired, It’em outing. Clara’s advice had motivated me to take action. She told me to not be daring in chasing after the people important to me, cause most of the time people expect others to take the initiative. That’s why they people drift apart. I guess I’ve been drifting for far too long, in more ways than one, and it was time to straighten one of these things out. Too many times I’ve drifted from the people who meant something to me, and I’ve regretted it, so it’s time to take it by the scruff of the neck. But like Clara said, it’s because we’re unsure of where we stand in their eyes, which is still the case...
It was a pretty good outing on the whole. We headed to Mind Cafe to play board games, Shimin, Bear, Zenn, Jiamin, Yu Herng, Siewting and myself. Zenn had just returned from a chalet, so he was incredibly stoned at first, but later he was less tired haha. It’s great just chilling with them again, after so long. One of the games we played kinda reminded me of how self-conscious I am. The object of the game was to act out or speak in a certain emotion, and people must be able to guess the emotion projected. I kinda failed in every sense haha, cause I couldn’t bring myself to act it out. Hmm
Netball outing, didn’t pull through. My fault really. I guess I was discouraged by the number of people who didn’t reply, and I kinda let it go. Again it says something about me, how I let setbacks get to me easily and how I shouldn’t give up so easily. Maybe I should write down all these things that I should change and get started on changing them haha. Anyhow, I kinda wanted this outing, for more reasons that one. argh. Need to pull this through >.<
The Rachel, Sophia++ outing also failed lol. Soon I guess haha.
Gosh this turned out to be quite a long post. It always is after I haven’t reflected in a long while.
But then again, it always leads me to think, what is the purpose of the blog? To let people know who you are, to express your feelings? A blank canvas? But how much is too much? Not in the NSFW, TMI sense, but the letting so many people know your thoughts and emotions, how it’s gonna impact you and everyone. Whether anyone cares in the first place? I guess it’s self-censorship, but sometimes you don’t even know how much of yourself you want to reveal, and before you know it, the damage is done. It’s not being two-faced or fake, but more of the privacy sense. Or maybe it’s also your concern over how people perceive you. I think I’m rambling here. hahah
It would be great if people could share what they think on any of the things above, whether to me in person, or in a comment. Posting it only does so much good if it’s one-sided. Discussion can kinda elevate the issues. Then again, hot many people actually read this in the first place? :P I wonder if this will ever impact anyone like others’ blog posts have impacted me, albeit I didn’t tell them either. Lol. I guess that’s the crux and the foundation of any medium right? The impact it has on people, the ideas and issues that it raises and shares, the discussion it generates.
Hope it’s not TL;DR hahah. If anyone even sees it. :P
A lot of things has happened since then, from Council to CTs to 5C11. Some good, some bad, some awesome, some downright disastrous. I’ll probably just get some things off my mind.
CTs was... well I can’t say I like to think about it, not so much because of the results or anything, but more of the process and the run-up to it. I admit I didn’t do my best in preparation for this round of CTs, which I put to laziness and lack of motivation. This isn’t something I’m proud to admit, but its the truth. Wenxin was kinda surprised when I told her I didn’t study, cause I’ve generally been quite conscientious for most of the first half of the year. I’d go as far to say that it’s the most hardworking I’ve been in secondary school. So why the drastic drop?
Maybe it’s always been my base nature to be this way. For the most part of the year, I’ve been fairly motivated, by what I’m not too sure. Perhaps it’s council, to an extent I think it is. I’ve always been somewhat anti-populist, anti-mainstream, what most people do, I tend to rebel against and not do. Hence my musical and movie tastes. Likewise, when I perceive people not to study, I do, and vice versa. I’m not trying to imply anything about anyone else, so please don’t take offense at it. That’s why I stated it’s what I perceive. Anyhow, I can’t really explain it, but it’s just a natural impulse and feeling that I get. Thus, my motivations at perhaps not the most appropriate time. (Gosh this is starting to feel like a history essay).
I know it’s not the most responsible mindset, not the most respectable one, but as they say, old habits die hard, even more so when it’s ingrained without any conscious effort. I guess I should be more influenced now that I’m around incredibly hardworking and admirable people more, like Siswo, Weijia, my class and council in general. I guess it’s something I’ve been saying for a very long time, but it’s a world of difference, knowing it and doing it. Takes time I guess.
I still remember the post that I posted in my old, short-lived blog, about being hardworking in Year 3 EOYS, and hoping to carry it over to Year 4. It does seem somewhat relevant in a sense. Hardworking I have been to an extent, but it sucks to find myself slipping back into old habits again.
Distractions are another thing. In school I generally find it easier to stay on task due to the pretty conducive environment of the SC room and the school in general. The guilt factor of straying also plays a part haha. But at home I guess there are less things to remind me and its therefore a lot easier to just push what I need to do aside for what I want to do. It does seem as though I’m blaming everything but myself, but no, not really.
I’ll put this down to my lack of self-discipline, perhaps the real crux of the issue. I once saw on someone’s status message, Benz I think, something along the lines of “Where can I buy self-discipline?” I think a lot of us thinks this, if only it were this easy, that it came in a bag. But it ain’t. It’s up to us to craft our lives. I guess it’s a combination of everything I’ve said, motivation, focus, setting goals and sticking to it. It’s not just a matter of knowing it, it’s doing it, the tough part. I’ve been checking out various methods, but I guess I actually have to carry it out for it to take effect, not just chucking it aside because it seemed too “ complicated and time-consuming”. Fear I suppose. Fear of falling, of not knowing what to do, of screwing up. But like /th put to me, “Don’t let the fear of striking out stop you from playing the game” :)
On to the next issue. This past week, the faux-holiday so to speak, has been a mixed bag. I’ve spent some days at home, surfing the net, playing Dungeon Siege and Sonny, slacking in general. And no matter how much I try to justify it, I know deep down it’s still just procrastination and a lack of productivity. Hmm. Another thing I have to change about myself, still ultimately linked to self-discipline.
I’ve been trying to plan a few outings during the week, but in the end, only one transpired, It’em outing. Clara’s advice had motivated me to take action. She told me to not be daring in chasing after the people important to me, cause most of the time people expect others to take the initiative. That’s why they people drift apart. I guess I’ve been drifting for far too long, in more ways than one, and it was time to straighten one of these things out. Too many times I’ve drifted from the people who meant something to me, and I’ve regretted it, so it’s time to take it by the scruff of the neck. But like Clara said, it’s because we’re unsure of where we stand in their eyes, which is still the case...
It was a pretty good outing on the whole. We headed to Mind Cafe to play board games, Shimin, Bear, Zenn, Jiamin, Yu Herng, Siewting and myself. Zenn had just returned from a chalet, so he was incredibly stoned at first, but later he was less tired haha. It’s great just chilling with them again, after so long. One of the games we played kinda reminded me of how self-conscious I am. The object of the game was to act out or speak in a certain emotion, and people must be able to guess the emotion projected. I kinda failed in every sense haha, cause I couldn’t bring myself to act it out. Hmm
Netball outing, didn’t pull through. My fault really. I guess I was discouraged by the number of people who didn’t reply, and I kinda let it go. Again it says something about me, how I let setbacks get to me easily and how I shouldn’t give up so easily. Maybe I should write down all these things that I should change and get started on changing them haha. Anyhow, I kinda wanted this outing, for more reasons that one. argh. Need to pull this through >.<
The Rachel, Sophia++ outing also failed lol. Soon I guess haha.
Gosh this turned out to be quite a long post. It always is after I haven’t reflected in a long while.
But then again, it always leads me to think, what is the purpose of the blog? To let people know who you are, to express your feelings? A blank canvas? But how much is too much? Not in the NSFW, TMI sense, but the letting so many people know your thoughts and emotions, how it’s gonna impact you and everyone. Whether anyone cares in the first place? I guess it’s self-censorship, but sometimes you don’t even know how much of yourself you want to reveal, and before you know it, the damage is done. It’s not being two-faced or fake, but more of the privacy sense. Or maybe it’s also your concern over how people perceive you. I think I’m rambling here. hahah
It would be great if people could share what they think on any of the things above, whether to me in person, or in a comment. Posting it only does so much good if it’s one-sided. Discussion can kinda elevate the issues. Then again, hot many people actually read this in the first place? :P I wonder if this will ever impact anyone like others’ blog posts have impacted me, albeit I didn’t tell them either. Lol. I guess that’s the crux and the foundation of any medium right? The impact it has on people, the ideas and issues that it raises and shares, the discussion it generates.
Hope it’s not TL;DR hahah. If anyone even sees it. :P