(no subject)
Yesterday we celebrated my 26th birthday at my granny and grandad's. Beside my grandparents, there was my family (except my brother), my aunt's family (including the 3months old baby) and M. . I really enjoyed it; I got lovely presents and even flowers; and afterwards I've been thinking about the party and the people there a lot. I love them so much! How did our family got to be so troubled? I really can't understand it.
When we were leaving, my grandparents told me they'd keep their thumbs up for me for the surgery. They didn't ask anything but they looked so worried... Everyone is so worried about me. I am scared because of myself not being very scared of the operation. (At least yet, that is...) This scares me cause it feels almost like I didn't care too much; like I'd be going there and let them do whatever they like to me. I'm not sure if it's that or that I just am so prepared for the surgery and have been waiting for it for so long.
At least I've been trying to prepare myself mentally for the "stoma" thingie. I don't know if it'll be better or worse if I wake up with it or without it. Well, I think I'll have an opportunity to discuss with the surgeon before the operation. Maybe that'll clear some things out.
On Friday, I told my shrink I don't know how I'll cope, after four years of being sick, soon being healthy again. I mean, I don't really know how healthy I will be, but because, theoretically, I will be healthy, I must consider it as an option, too. For four years, my life has been doctors, waiting rooms, hospitals, diarrhea, pain, blood, exhaustion etc. and now all that'd be gone? I also told him I don't know how I will manage suddenly to continue my studies again. I remember the time I used to like to study: that was when I was still healthy. After that, studying has become every year more and more difficult, tireing and just awful. With eyes half (or, at times, fully) closed and without any strenght or ability to concentrate on my reading, it has been hard - I feel I don't remember half of what I have supposedly learned during these years. I think I'll be the worst graduate ever. If I ever graduate...
Anyway, what I started on saying is that the shrink said he'd recommend I ask the surgeon to write me a sick leave for the whole semester, until Christmas. That sounds so tempting (and would be possible in some sort of Neverland, cause the surgeons would never agree on that) but would postpone my studies even more. And the later I'll graduate, the later I will be able to move in with M. . (This is a financial issue.) I try not to think about this now.
So, the surgery is on Wednesday, and I'll go to the hospital on Tuesday.
When we were leaving, my grandparents told me they'd keep their thumbs up for me for the surgery. They didn't ask anything but they looked so worried... Everyone is so worried about me. I am scared because of myself not being very scared of the operation. (At least yet, that is...) This scares me cause it feels almost like I didn't care too much; like I'd be going there and let them do whatever they like to me. I'm not sure if it's that or that I just am so prepared for the surgery and have been waiting for it for so long.
At least I've been trying to prepare myself mentally for the "stoma" thingie. I don't know if it'll be better or worse if I wake up with it or without it. Well, I think I'll have an opportunity to discuss with the surgeon before the operation. Maybe that'll clear some things out.
On Friday, I told my shrink I don't know how I'll cope, after four years of being sick, soon being healthy again. I mean, I don't really know how healthy I will be, but because, theoretically, I will be healthy, I must consider it as an option, too. For four years, my life has been doctors, waiting rooms, hospitals, diarrhea, pain, blood, exhaustion etc. and now all that'd be gone? I also told him I don't know how I will manage suddenly to continue my studies again. I remember the time I used to like to study: that was when I was still healthy. After that, studying has become every year more and more difficult, tireing and just awful. With eyes half (or, at times, fully) closed and without any strenght or ability to concentrate on my reading, it has been hard - I feel I don't remember half of what I have supposedly learned during these years. I think I'll be the worst graduate ever. If I ever graduate...
Anyway, what I started on saying is that the shrink said he'd recommend I ask the surgeon to write me a sick leave for the whole semester, until Christmas. That sounds so tempting (and would be possible in some sort of Neverland, cause the surgeons would never agree on that) but would postpone my studies even more. And the later I'll graduate, the later I will be able to move in with M. . (This is a financial issue.) I try not to think about this now.
So, the surgery is on Wednesday, and I'll go to the hospital on Tuesday.