(no subject)
It's been almost a week at this point. I don't know how I'm getting through....I have good friends that periodically hang out with me, and that's a good thing, but it's difficult on them....I know how draining it is to be around someone who's depressed and negative and losing faith in anything and everything. There's this horrible sense of loss and emptiness....there's a ton of anger too, but the loss is more prevalent. Sure, it was miserable, but it was a familiar misery, one that I could expect, one that I could trust would be there. And I knew how good it was, how good it could be, and that hurt even more. Right now it's just loss...and it's scary. So many things, shades, nuances, places, all serve as reminders of something, something that made me smile, some good moment, some character of his demeanor that I have become so familiar with. I'm muddling through the densest darkest wood without a light, and the path is anything but clear.....it will become a bit clearer in September, once I start my new job...Then the point will be to do the best I can do in the classroom and not have them fire me. I've another month to go until then, and it's already clear to me I won't have the energy by the end of it. Oh well...do my best at pretending I suppose.....but until then, I am lost. And I really want to declare this year null and void already. It was a year of waiting....and as always, Godot never comes.