So here I am ...

Dec 13, 2008 17:57

I can't help but to ask myself why I am on here yet again posting about my life. I usually like to confide things in my written journal but I don't have it with me right now; alas, I must turn to LiveJournal to release the pressure building up within me. I've experienced yet another transition in my life - back to being the student. I worked so hard for two years to get back to ASU in Tempe and back in August I finally accomplished my goal. The problem is that I still feel just as lost as I have always felt. Years have passed, innumerable experiences have come and gone, and I've finally come full circle yet I still know little of anything at all. I still work at Barnes & Noble on the weekends but mostly I work a job at ASU during the weekdays and go to school. Usually, this entails six day work weeks, weekends at home in north Phoenix, limited social life, and a lot of difficulty making myself go to class. I have chosen to persue my degree in philosophy and, really, am not that far off from graduating finally. As this semester ended though I realized that I am still worrying about passing my classes. I still never have any extra money whatsoever. It's still not better. I mean, it is exponentially better yet not better at all. I don't know. I feel like I am an incredibly intelligent person but everyone else always manages their lives and, somehow, I always mismanage my life. Am I alone in this? I just can't comprehend what it is. I look around and see other students thriving, living, loving, succeding, enjoying and then I turn to myself and see that I have no money, work two jobs, do marginally in my classes, dropped out twice, graduating almost two years late, and a scuffed record in multiple senses of the word. Where did I really go wrong? Is it somewhere I went wrong? Is it circumstance? I just don't understand. Is it the essence of my being that has led me down this path? Or was it low self-esteem coupled with a detrimental lack of emotional, financial, and physical support from my family? I wish I knew. I wish I could figure out how to fix it all; how to change the pattern.

Contrarily, in many ways I feel like I have altered the pattern towards a more positive outcome but I still don't feel that I have tuned into my optimal potential. I have gone to see a psychiatrist about this and the possibility of an underlying problem beyond my logical control. The possibility that I may have "hyperkinetic conduct disorder." This is essentially ADHD with an inability to conform to common social rules and regulations. I don't agree completely but since I have been taking ADHD medications I have felt more hopeful that the dial was changing towards optimal potential but I am still unsure. Hell, I don't even know if I consider ADD/ADHD a real disease or even if I support the common treatments; my mother has always taught me that it was fake so I bat it back and forth. I think the concept could potentially explain a lot about my past and the ways in which I acted and behaved. I don't know ... I am still very unsure of it but, hell, I'll go along for the time being if not just to have the experience.

Back to school, I feel like I let this semester slip away from me. I was always too exhausted to get up and go to class in the mornings so, often times, I would sleep through them. Then, this past week during finals, I realized what I had done to myself yet again. The fate of two of my core classes rested on a single, defining final exam of which I could do well in the end or fail. I am upset with myself for doing so yet trying so hard not to beat myself up over the past. I need to move forward in life. It's time. It's time for the next step occupationally and academically.

Furthermore, there is a new boy in my life since last September. This is also yet another thing I am unsure of in my life right now. Him and I met at a party and I ended up passed out at the foot of a bed that he happened to be *ahem* with a mutual friend haha. It's funny I guess but now that him and I have progressed together, honestly, I think those circumstances were a little stange and contribute to my unassuredness of the situation even now. So far, I have found very few bad things about him and things have gone exceptionally well between us but I still just don't know. I (AGAIN) am battling this duality where I find it difficult to completely trust him but I cannot discern whether it is because I am scrutinous by nature or because he isn't totally trustworthy. Now, when I say trust I do not mean in the sense that he is deceitful. I mean trust as in capable of having the faith in him to love or grow or commit. He has told me that he doesn't know what it feels like to be in love with someone. I know he tends to shutdown emotionally to avoid feeling things he does not want to. I know that there is a good chance he will be leaving the country in July. I just don't know how to abandon something so great because it never had a chance to begin. Also, I'm not one for intuitive logic but I get a strong intuition that there is something about everything here that I am not seeing or that has not surfaced yet.  For now, I am taking it one step at a time, trying hard to stop myself from getting emotionally attached.

I guess this entire entry was all about how I just don't know anything at all anymore nor have I ever. Do we ever begin to know anything? Maybe we are always just as lost as we have always been.

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