...finally an update to post... really long though. hope you won't be bored by it.
so omg, I finally have something to post! there might be some good stuff looming on the horizon for my medical problems (the first section here), but otherwise I suppose I don't have a whole lot of GOOD stuff to say *sigh*... but at least ppl will know what's going on w/ me if they want to know.
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we'll start with a bit of a recap first though, for those that have forgotten so everyone understands where I'm at in the first place...
...nothing really ever happens as I struggle to barely keep my job even though I'm actually not healthy enough to keep a full time (or part time) job (but I NEED the health insurance >_< god it sucks).. so I haven't posted in AGES... I mean, all I really do usually is get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner and maybe watch a few episodes of anime, and go to bed. repeat. weekends consist of resting in my room and watching anime - because if I actually try to go anywhere or do anything (even just a few errands... god, when mom and I went to west leb to the craft store real quick and then a quick trip to borders - and I wasn't even driving - I was fucked up ALL DAY and then some, even though we were only out of the house for 2 - 3 hours) I'll feel too crappy to go to work on monday.... so not going anywhere and not doing anything means I never have anything to post (I mean, how many posts of "everything's the same as it always is and I'm miserable as always" do people want to read?).
and I still have that stupid ass contract thingy w/ HR where if I miss even HALF a day of work I lose my job (and therefore all my income AND health insurance.. FUCK - I would be screwed.. I need both to be able to get the medical treatment I need) until the first of september... but even then they don't want me to take any days off, because the main condition of my contract is to accumulate 5 days worth of time off (while not being allowed to use ANY until after I have at LEAST that much.. and I started at like 4 days in the NEGATIVE) so they don't want me calling in right after the contract is up and using it all up right away.... so in reality I'm stuck in the 'can't miss ANY work or I'm FUCKED' situation until september 25th - because then I come eligible for medical leave again (which I am taking the second I am eligible)... and they can't hold that against me in the LEAST - it'd be illegal because of the family medical leave act.. ..so in short, after september 25th HR can KISS MY ASS. hell, I've only gotten through this far (the contract thing started at the end of FEBRUARY) because I've been on painkillers 24 hours a day ever since I was forced to sign that fucking thing.
...so.... the painkillers aren't really working that well anymore. which sucks. they're the same ones as I was on last summer, and they lasted a lot longer this time than last time, I guess that just proves how much the last surgery helped, even if it didn't really do enough to give me any decent relief.
BUT! I saw the doctor thursday, and I have some new meds to try (new painkillers and also these local anesthetic patches which seem to have some potential) that I'll trying out starting tonight (because then if I have problems or they don't work, it's the weekend and I still won't miss work)
AND! thanks to the visit to the doctor I now have an appointment with a surgeon at dartmouth. it's a consultation w/ them, so I have to discuss what kind of surgical options there are this time around. it HAS to be at dartmouth this time though, because APD didn't have all the equipment they needed to deal with it, so I have no choice but to go there. ...which is part of why I was so anxious to get an appointment scheduled w/ the surgeon because even regular appointments there usually have like a 6 week wait to get in... but they were able to fit me in by the end of the month!! ...ok, so I'll have to get up to be there at 8am, which sucks balls, but at least I don't have to wait more than 3 weeks to talk to them. the main issue (other than how long I'd have to wait for the surgery appointment - I don't want to waste half my medical leave just waiting for the bloody appointment again) is probably going to be convincing them to take out my ovaries and uterus. the doctor seemed to agree w/ me that at this point it's really not a bad idea, and that she realizes that I actually HAVE thought this through and understand the consequences. I see no point in keeping them if I can't live like a normal human being - if I can't get out to meet a guy to date and perhaps eventually marry, then what point is there in talking about whether or not I can have kids? what use is a uterus if you're home alone every bloody night? and the ovaries are the biggest source of pain and suffering - they seem to gravitationally attract the endometriosis or something (probably because of the estrogen), which proceeds to put them in a strangle hold (for the men out there, imagine someone painfully squeezing and twisting your balls 24 HOURS A DAY. doesn't seem fun, does it? but I've dealt w/ it for 2 years now because testicles and ovaries are BASICALLY THE SAME THING) ...but they're REALLY reluctant to take them out of someone my age, they think I'm too young for it or something, or that I'll regret it later or whatever...
..so my health still sucks ass. BUT - there is some hope looming on the horizon if I can just drag my ass around long enough.
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my mom also just had surgery on one of her knees, and when I got home from work I got to ask her how it went and what they found and stuff.. apparently they didn't find much of anything. they cleaned up a little bit of arthritis (but not much) and some roughness of the cartilage... but that's it. I guess he was hoping to find a tear in the cartilage or something, because they could try and DO something about that, but they didn't find anything like that. so we have no idea if it will give her any relief from the pain she's been suffering w/ since the car accident like 3+ years ago. ...she still hasn't gotten her settlement for her injuries from that accident either (she's been working w/ a lawyer for over a year, but still..)
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my father is still an asshole. ...ok, so that's not anything new, or particularly news, but he's worse than he has EVER been yet so far... and continues to get worse.
despite how much my dad drives me nuts and pisses me off, I'm sick, so I can't really move out by myself... what will I do if I lose my job?? so thus far I have been stuck here dealing with it.
however, mom appears to finally have had enough of it. it's not like it's the first time she's threatened him w/ divorce, but she seems to really be serious about doing it this time. and it wasn't a 'do this or else I'll get a divorce' it was an 'as of the first of the year you won't be getting any more health insurance from me, and I plan on getting a divorce and moving out - and if I move out Becca is coming with me'. (me going w/ her is a given - like I could survive living alone in the house with just him?? HELL NO. ...and the cats are ours so we'd be taking them with us too, dammit.) we can't afford to move out immediately though, we have to wait at least until I've had my surgery, etc, and we have the money.
the goal is to move out by christmas. mom is also fed up w/ her job and while she's home recovering from her knee surgery she'll be looking for a new one (and I don't blame her - they give her nothing but shit, even though she does her job UBER well and goes above and beyond the call of duty all the time... they still get up her ass about anything they can at every chance)
...of course, I have no idea what the hell dad will do once this happens. he'll be alone in the house, my sister and her husband (who are in california) don't seem to have any intentions of really talking to him or having much to do w/ him, and mom, myself, and even the cats will be gone. the man keeps driving everyone away from him.
he's been "self-employed" for several years now (basically ever since I got out of high school), but that implies you actually do WORK every once in a while - which mom and I never seem to actually see happening.. he's always on ebay or talking on the phone w/ one of his friends or brothers when we go past his office it seems like. even if he does he doesn't make any money - instead he ends up spending money on stuff he says he "NEEDS" for his job... the house has had to be refinanced several times and he's been living out of the savings - if there's even much of that left. despite not having money, he just keeps spending it like mad. like how he spent several thousand dollars on site work on the property in grantham last month (though it's not like that was critical or anything - could easily have waited), as well as within a week then spontaneously deciding to finally replace the windows and bought all of them... of course, all of this was on credit. ...yet he's so tweaked out about the oil bill that off and on he's been SHUTTING OFF THE HOT WATER. like only turning it on for ppl to shower, and maybe do laundry (not that he seems to want to let me turn it on at night to do laundry after work), and that's it. well, if that much - there are days he forgets to turn it back on for my shower... an ice cold shower right before work, when I'm not feeling up to going to work in the first place, does not really make a great start to my day, that's for damn sure. he doesn't even actually get up in time to turn it on for mom's shower - she has to do it when she gets up to pee in the middle of the night or else she'd have to get up like half an hour or more early to turn it on and wait for it to heat up. he also decides to do shit like install windows as loudly as he can, or work on firewood (including w/ the chainsaw) right outside my bedroom window starting at 7 am on weekends even though I need DESPERATELY to rest. oh.. and he started installing the windows, did the ones in the basement and ONE on the second floor, and went to do the ones in the attic bedroom (which I still have a lot of stuff in).. and he got all the way to tearing the windows out of that room when he noticed flaking paint on the outside of the house and so decided that BEFORE HE PUTS THE NEW WINDOWS BACK IN THE FUCKING HOLES HE OPENED IN THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE that he just HAS to take care of scraping and painting the outside of the 3rd floor first. >_< he's taped tarps or something up over the gaping holes that were once windows to temporarily try to keep rain and crap out.
but his newest job thing is that he's going to change jobs. oh, he'll still be self employed, but doing something different - since after like 7 FUCKING YEARS he finally figured out selling the specialty health care type furniture and equipment (for nursing homes and crap) is not working out. however, his idea is to be an 'energy efficiency home inspector'. now not a regular home inspector - oooooooh no, that would have steady work since whenever a house gets sold it has to get inspected first, and wouldn't require spending money on any fancy equipment... and he wouldn't be able to justify keeping that giant sprinter van. instead he's going to do this energy efficiency thing... which requires something like more than $10,000 in equipment to even start. he then even blew off a meeting w/ the guy that's supposed to show him how to do it because his brother was in town visiting, but then didn't even spend any time w/ his brother - he spent that whole day across the street cleaning out the neighbor's basement/garage. my god. what the hell.
...mom and I are also getting a little sick of when he gets all gimpy and starts bitching about how his foot hurts because of his gout - please don't bitch to us about pain, we deal w/ more of it than he knows on a daily basis, and his is HIS OWN FAULT. gout tends to be something people cause themselves over time. ..and he knows how to keep it from flaring up - STOP DRINKING SO MUCH ALCOHOL - but does he do it? of course not. though maybe he will now, because mom has stopped buying him beer. (or doing his laundry, or cooking for him, or anything else really... he made some retarded comments about how she 'doesn't do anything around here' so she has decided to show him exactly what nothing is...)
w/ how much of a jerk he usually is, you'd think he'd want to be alone or something, but noo.. then he gets lonely, even though if you spend any time with him the only thing he can do is find stuff to bitch at you about that you do wrong or don't do that you should or whatever >_<
rawr. wtf is his problem?
...yet I know that if we move out and I just abandon him I will feel guilty >_< god damn this being a decent human being shit. even though I know I shouldn't feel guilty because he doesn't know how to listen to other people or think about anyone but himself and it's his own fault he's driving everyone away from him... ...but feeling guilty is still better than a lot of the shit we have to deal with right now...
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so yeah. such is currently my life. kinda sucks, doesn't it? (though I know quite well it could always be worse)
.....but hopefully it'll get better in some ways soon. *crosses fingers*
at least I feel a little better after venting some more by writing this... though I hope I didn't completely bore anyone that actually read through the whole huge thing ^_^;; ...I'll try to post some sort of funny/silly links or something again soon if I have the time/energy.
__________________
we'll start with a bit of a recap first though, for those that have forgotten so everyone understands where I'm at in the first place...
...nothing really ever happens as I struggle to barely keep my job even though I'm actually not healthy enough to keep a full time (or part time) job (but I NEED the health insurance >_< god it sucks).. so I haven't posted in AGES... I mean, all I really do usually is get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner and maybe watch a few episodes of anime, and go to bed. repeat. weekends consist of resting in my room and watching anime - because if I actually try to go anywhere or do anything (even just a few errands... god, when mom and I went to west leb to the craft store real quick and then a quick trip to borders - and I wasn't even driving - I was fucked up ALL DAY and then some, even though we were only out of the house for 2 - 3 hours) I'll feel too crappy to go to work on monday.... so not going anywhere and not doing anything means I never have anything to post (I mean, how many posts of "everything's the same as it always is and I'm miserable as always" do people want to read?).
and I still have that stupid ass contract thingy w/ HR where if I miss even HALF a day of work I lose my job (and therefore all my income AND health insurance.. FUCK - I would be screwed.. I need both to be able to get the medical treatment I need) until the first of september... but even then they don't want me to take any days off, because the main condition of my contract is to accumulate 5 days worth of time off (while not being allowed to use ANY until after I have at LEAST that much.. and I started at like 4 days in the NEGATIVE) so they don't want me calling in right after the contract is up and using it all up right away.... so in reality I'm stuck in the 'can't miss ANY work or I'm FUCKED' situation until september 25th - because then I come eligible for medical leave again (which I am taking the second I am eligible)... and they can't hold that against me in the LEAST - it'd be illegal because of the family medical leave act.. ..so in short, after september 25th HR can KISS MY ASS. hell, I've only gotten through this far (the contract thing started at the end of FEBRUARY) because I've been on painkillers 24 hours a day ever since I was forced to sign that fucking thing.
...so.... the painkillers aren't really working that well anymore. which sucks. they're the same ones as I was on last summer, and they lasted a lot longer this time than last time, I guess that just proves how much the last surgery helped, even if it didn't really do enough to give me any decent relief.
BUT! I saw the doctor thursday, and I have some new meds to try (new painkillers and also these local anesthetic patches which seem to have some potential) that I'll trying out starting tonight (because then if I have problems or they don't work, it's the weekend and I still won't miss work)
AND! thanks to the visit to the doctor I now have an appointment with a surgeon at dartmouth. it's a consultation w/ them, so I have to discuss what kind of surgical options there are this time around. it HAS to be at dartmouth this time though, because APD didn't have all the equipment they needed to deal with it, so I have no choice but to go there. ...which is part of why I was so anxious to get an appointment scheduled w/ the surgeon because even regular appointments there usually have like a 6 week wait to get in... but they were able to fit me in by the end of the month!! ...ok, so I'll have to get up to be there at 8am, which sucks balls, but at least I don't have to wait more than 3 weeks to talk to them. the main issue (other than how long I'd have to wait for the surgery appointment - I don't want to waste half my medical leave just waiting for the bloody appointment again) is probably going to be convincing them to take out my ovaries and uterus. the doctor seemed to agree w/ me that at this point it's really not a bad idea, and that she realizes that I actually HAVE thought this through and understand the consequences. I see no point in keeping them if I can't live like a normal human being - if I can't get out to meet a guy to date and perhaps eventually marry, then what point is there in talking about whether or not I can have kids? what use is a uterus if you're home alone every bloody night? and the ovaries are the biggest source of pain and suffering - they seem to gravitationally attract the endometriosis or something (probably because of the estrogen), which proceeds to put them in a strangle hold (for the men out there, imagine someone painfully squeezing and twisting your balls 24 HOURS A DAY. doesn't seem fun, does it? but I've dealt w/ it for 2 years now because testicles and ovaries are BASICALLY THE SAME THING) ...but they're REALLY reluctant to take them out of someone my age, they think I'm too young for it or something, or that I'll regret it later or whatever...
..so my health still sucks ass. BUT - there is some hope looming on the horizon if I can just drag my ass around long enough.
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my mom also just had surgery on one of her knees, and when I got home from work I got to ask her how it went and what they found and stuff.. apparently they didn't find much of anything. they cleaned up a little bit of arthritis (but not much) and some roughness of the cartilage... but that's it. I guess he was hoping to find a tear in the cartilage or something, because they could try and DO something about that, but they didn't find anything like that. so we have no idea if it will give her any relief from the pain she's been suffering w/ since the car accident like 3+ years ago. ...she still hasn't gotten her settlement for her injuries from that accident either (she's been working w/ a lawyer for over a year, but still..)
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my father is still an asshole. ...ok, so that's not anything new, or particularly news, but he's worse than he has EVER been yet so far... and continues to get worse.
despite how much my dad drives me nuts and pisses me off, I'm sick, so I can't really move out by myself... what will I do if I lose my job?? so thus far I have been stuck here dealing with it.
however, mom appears to finally have had enough of it. it's not like it's the first time she's threatened him w/ divorce, but she seems to really be serious about doing it this time. and it wasn't a 'do this or else I'll get a divorce' it was an 'as of the first of the year you won't be getting any more health insurance from me, and I plan on getting a divorce and moving out - and if I move out Becca is coming with me'. (me going w/ her is a given - like I could survive living alone in the house with just him?? HELL NO. ...and the cats are ours so we'd be taking them with us too, dammit.) we can't afford to move out immediately though, we have to wait at least until I've had my surgery, etc, and we have the money.
the goal is to move out by christmas. mom is also fed up w/ her job and while she's home recovering from her knee surgery she'll be looking for a new one (and I don't blame her - they give her nothing but shit, even though she does her job UBER well and goes above and beyond the call of duty all the time... they still get up her ass about anything they can at every chance)
...of course, I have no idea what the hell dad will do once this happens. he'll be alone in the house, my sister and her husband (who are in california) don't seem to have any intentions of really talking to him or having much to do w/ him, and mom, myself, and even the cats will be gone. the man keeps driving everyone away from him.
he's been "self-employed" for several years now (basically ever since I got out of high school), but that implies you actually do WORK every once in a while - which mom and I never seem to actually see happening.. he's always on ebay or talking on the phone w/ one of his friends or brothers when we go past his office it seems like. even if he does he doesn't make any money - instead he ends up spending money on stuff he says he "NEEDS" for his job... the house has had to be refinanced several times and he's been living out of the savings - if there's even much of that left. despite not having money, he just keeps spending it like mad. like how he spent several thousand dollars on site work on the property in grantham last month (though it's not like that was critical or anything - could easily have waited), as well as within a week then spontaneously deciding to finally replace the windows and bought all of them... of course, all of this was on credit. ...yet he's so tweaked out about the oil bill that off and on he's been SHUTTING OFF THE HOT WATER. like only turning it on for ppl to shower, and maybe do laundry (not that he seems to want to let me turn it on at night to do laundry after work), and that's it. well, if that much - there are days he forgets to turn it back on for my shower... an ice cold shower right before work, when I'm not feeling up to going to work in the first place, does not really make a great start to my day, that's for damn sure. he doesn't even actually get up in time to turn it on for mom's shower - she has to do it when she gets up to pee in the middle of the night or else she'd have to get up like half an hour or more early to turn it on and wait for it to heat up. he also decides to do shit like install windows as loudly as he can, or work on firewood (including w/ the chainsaw) right outside my bedroom window starting at 7 am on weekends even though I need DESPERATELY to rest. oh.. and he started installing the windows, did the ones in the basement and ONE on the second floor, and went to do the ones in the attic bedroom (which I still have a lot of stuff in).. and he got all the way to tearing the windows out of that room when he noticed flaking paint on the outside of the house and so decided that BEFORE HE PUTS THE NEW WINDOWS BACK IN THE FUCKING HOLES HE OPENED IN THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE that he just HAS to take care of scraping and painting the outside of the 3rd floor first. >_< he's taped tarps or something up over the gaping holes that were once windows to temporarily try to keep rain and crap out.
but his newest job thing is that he's going to change jobs. oh, he'll still be self employed, but doing something different - since after like 7 FUCKING YEARS he finally figured out selling the specialty health care type furniture and equipment (for nursing homes and crap) is not working out. however, his idea is to be an 'energy efficiency home inspector'. now not a regular home inspector - oooooooh no, that would have steady work since whenever a house gets sold it has to get inspected first, and wouldn't require spending money on any fancy equipment... and he wouldn't be able to justify keeping that giant sprinter van. instead he's going to do this energy efficiency thing... which requires something like more than $10,000 in equipment to even start. he then even blew off a meeting w/ the guy that's supposed to show him how to do it because his brother was in town visiting, but then didn't even spend any time w/ his brother - he spent that whole day across the street cleaning out the neighbor's basement/garage. my god. what the hell.
...mom and I are also getting a little sick of when he gets all gimpy and starts bitching about how his foot hurts because of his gout - please don't bitch to us about pain, we deal w/ more of it than he knows on a daily basis, and his is HIS OWN FAULT. gout tends to be something people cause themselves over time. ..and he knows how to keep it from flaring up - STOP DRINKING SO MUCH ALCOHOL - but does he do it? of course not. though maybe he will now, because mom has stopped buying him beer. (or doing his laundry, or cooking for him, or anything else really... he made some retarded comments about how she 'doesn't do anything around here' so she has decided to show him exactly what nothing is...)
w/ how much of a jerk he usually is, you'd think he'd want to be alone or something, but noo.. then he gets lonely, even though if you spend any time with him the only thing he can do is find stuff to bitch at you about that you do wrong or don't do that you should or whatever >_<
rawr. wtf is his problem?
...yet I know that if we move out and I just abandon him I will feel guilty >_< god damn this being a decent human being shit. even though I know I shouldn't feel guilty because he doesn't know how to listen to other people or think about anyone but himself and it's his own fault he's driving everyone away from him... ...but feeling guilty is still better than a lot of the shit we have to deal with right now...
__________________
so yeah. such is currently my life. kinda sucks, doesn't it? (though I know quite well it could always be worse)
.....but hopefully it'll get better in some ways soon. *crosses fingers*
at least I feel a little better after venting some more by writing this... though I hope I didn't completely bore anyone that actually read through the whole huge thing ^_^;; ...I'll try to post some sort of funny/silly links or something again soon if I have the time/energy.