Compliments of Zach
"So I guess the first thing I want to say is, you know, that I have no regrets.
About my life. About the last five years. About any of it.
Where I go from here, wherever I move on to,
What has passed behind me is a part of me,
and I have no regrets.
Shit, I just realized this is going to read like a suicide note.
I'm not committing suicide. Just as the, uh, the first first thing. Thing 0.5.
Thing 1 is that I have no regrets.
I guess that's not totally true. There are things I would do differently. Maybe way differently.
But on the whole . . .
I think my broken road has led me here for a reason
world without end, amen.
No, scratch that.
I hope my broken road has led me here for a reason.
If you had asked me like 3 or 4 hours ago, I would have said "hell yeah,"
I'm where I should be
I'm following my path.
I guess now I'm not as sure.
I'm sure about some things, but other things?
God, are there things I would have done differently.
But I don't
I don't
I don't know how to regret expecting people to be honest with me.
No. No, no no.
That's not what this is about.
This is about how the plan changed.
I realized today that I'm not happy.
Doing theater, I mean.
And then I realized that I know so very few people that ARE
I mean, one or two, and even they . . .
The only reason to do this is because its fun
its no longer fun
I no longer enjoy it.
I no longer see its value,
and I woke up one morning and thought,
"Wait a second
I hate these people."
(people were why I started theater
because I loved the social circle
believe it or not,
and golly is it nice to feel like you're a PART of something
something bigger
a family)
And maybe I do,
maybe I have a family
I mean, I know I do
but something about my life to this moment
I'm terribly afraid to trust.
Nothing good ever came of it in the past.
Not what this is about.
Anyway.
Today I decided to quit.
There's stuff left; a few loose ends, a handful of passion projects
things I have to get out, get off my chest.
But I'm kindof done after that
I'm tired of trying to find my place in this family
and I often feel more alienated in groups.
I think I've spent so long looking for some feeling, some connection
and I don't think I ever stopped to think that it was impossible.
No.
I think I held on so stubbornly, so long
because I didn't want to fail.
I don't call this failing.
Failing would have been walking out of Brian Byrnes' office
all those years ago (4? 5? 10?)
and throwing in the towel after he told me
the only thing I could be good for is analysis.
Maybe he was right.
But I didn't quit.
I'm not quitting now . . . I didn't quit theater
theater quit me.
Anyway.
I re-wrote the 5-year plan.
Which is a good thing.
No; a wonderful thing.
I have a goal, some direction,
someplace I want to be.
I'm glad I didn't get there sooner because I wasn't ready.
But its about time.
No regrets, though. I've taken so much from theater.
I know the movement of bodies through space;
I know the power of color, of texture,
I know unbridled joy and have a sense of the fantastic
I know that love isn't just something that you do
and I do have a family.
When I think about people I admire, I think of Anne Bogart
I think of Joss Whedon
I think of Neil Gaiman.
These are the people who are doing the things I want to be doing in my life.
So, um
I'm not running off to become a tax attorney or any such nonsense.
I sortof hate that I'm being railroaded through college by the tuition cap
there's stuff I wish I could stop and figure out
proverbial roses to sniff
etc.
But I think I'm going to run off and
be an doctor someplace
and maybe never be any good but I can write
and draw
and make comic books
and do the things that give me joy
and I guess the rest will come.
Won't it?
They say its supposed to."
About my life. About the last five years. About any of it.
Where I go from here, wherever I move on to,
What has passed behind me is a part of me,
and I have no regrets.
Shit, I just realized this is going to read like a suicide note.
I'm not committing suicide. Just as the, uh, the first first thing. Thing 0.5.
Thing 1 is that I have no regrets.
I guess that's not totally true. There are things I would do differently. Maybe way differently.
But on the whole . . .
I think my broken road has led me here for a reason
world without end, amen.
No, scratch that.
I hope my broken road has led me here for a reason.
If you had asked me like 3 or 4 hours ago, I would have said "hell yeah,"
I'm where I should be
I'm following my path.
I guess now I'm not as sure.
I'm sure about some things, but other things?
God, are there things I would have done differently.
But I don't
I don't
I don't know how to regret expecting people to be honest with me.
No. No, no no.
That's not what this is about.
This is about how the plan changed.
I realized today that I'm not happy.
Doing theater, I mean.
And then I realized that I know so very few people that ARE
I mean, one or two, and even they . . .
The only reason to do this is because its fun
its no longer fun
I no longer enjoy it.
I no longer see its value,
and I woke up one morning and thought,
"Wait a second
I hate these people."
(people were why I started theater
because I loved the social circle
believe it or not,
and golly is it nice to feel like you're a PART of something
something bigger
a family)
And maybe I do,
maybe I have a family
I mean, I know I do
but something about my life to this moment
I'm terribly afraid to trust.
Nothing good ever came of it in the past.
Not what this is about.
Anyway.
Today I decided to quit.
There's stuff left; a few loose ends, a handful of passion projects
things I have to get out, get off my chest.
But I'm kindof done after that
I'm tired of trying to find my place in this family
and I often feel more alienated in groups.
I think I've spent so long looking for some feeling, some connection
and I don't think I ever stopped to think that it was impossible.
No.
I think I held on so stubbornly, so long
because I didn't want to fail.
I don't call this failing.
Failing would have been walking out of Brian Byrnes' office
all those years ago (4? 5? 10?)
and throwing in the towel after he told me
the only thing I could be good for is analysis.
Maybe he was right.
But I didn't quit.
I'm not quitting now . . . I didn't quit theater
theater quit me.
Anyway.
I re-wrote the 5-year plan.
Which is a good thing.
No; a wonderful thing.
I have a goal, some direction,
someplace I want to be.
I'm glad I didn't get there sooner because I wasn't ready.
But its about time.
No regrets, though. I've taken so much from theater.
I know the movement of bodies through space;
I know the power of color, of texture,
I know unbridled joy and have a sense of the fantastic
I know that love isn't just something that you do
and I do have a family.
When I think about people I admire, I think of Anne Bogart
I think of Joss Whedon
I think of Neil Gaiman.
These are the people who are doing the things I want to be doing in my life.
So, um
I'm not running off to become a tax attorney or any such nonsense.
I sortof hate that I'm being railroaded through college by the tuition cap
there's stuff I wish I could stop and figure out
proverbial roses to sniff
etc.
But I think I'm going to run off and
be an doctor someplace
and maybe never be any good but I can write
and draw
and make comic books
and do the things that give me joy
and I guess the rest will come.
Won't it?
They say its supposed to."