Talk about craftsmanship... no, really: talk about it.
At least Jennifer Connelly has the good sense to get out while she still can.
Dear Uwe Boll,
Please stop making movies. Seriously.
I'm not saying this because it's the hip thing to do and I want to be a part of the In Crowd; no, I'm saying this because I have actually seen your (I'm using this word in the loosest sense possible) "films" and know for a fact that they are so bad that their distribution might actually be considered war crimes. If you think I'm wrong to say this, you're an idiot. It's that simple. So why exactly do I want to smack you after watching some of your movies? Let's take a look:
House of the Dead:
When I'm watching a zombie flick and I want the cast to get eaten because that means I'll be able to get out of the theater that much faster, that means it's a bad movie; when I want the nubile young coeds (with breasts so perfect that not even God can claim credit for their construction) to actually get dressed so they can run into the woods and get eaten so I can go home and get drunk to forget about how awful the movie was... well, we have this movie.
There are so many things I would love to yell at you for regarding this flick: the rotten dialogue, the retarded plot, ludicrous action scenes (just when the hell did the scantily-clad rave-goers earn their black belts in Kung Fu?), and the fact that you have created zombies who look more like clowns than members of the undead legions. Oh, yeah, what's with all the stupid video game footage? The game's graphics looked dated when this hit theaters two years ago; now they just look embarrassing. However, this movie has done the unthinkable by ruining hot naked women for me. You should be ashamed of the fact that my friends and I (all men) were shouting for the girls to get dressed. Also, the titular house is far less impressive than that of the arcade series: a better name for this movie would've been The Garden Shed of the Dead.
Alone in the Dark:
OK, so maybe House of the Dead was a fluke. Maybe you just needed to get one really bad movie out of the way before you could start entertaining us with decent movies based on decent franchises. I mean, it's got Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff, so it can't be all bad... right? Right???
...
...
...
Oh God, I had no idea how wrong I could be. I'm repressing most of this movie from my mind at the moment (though I have to admit that I can't shake the image of Christian Slater looking like a throwback to the 1980s Lone Wolf Hero character), but I just can't get over the fact that you actually tried to make Tara Reid seem like she had an IQ score higher than 20 by making her wear glasses and her hair in a bun. Also, watch the special effects featurette: the poor guys basically sit there and apologize for how shitty everything looks by explaining the budget and time constraints you saddled them with.
Bloodrayne:
How the hell do you keep on recruiting all-star casts? I couldn't care less about Kristiana Locken and Michelle Rodriguez, but you got Udo Kier, Ben Kingsley, and Michael Madsen! Not only that, but the screenplay was by Guinevere Turner, a writer whose good reputation (earned by penning the masterpiece that is American Psycho and the enjoyable The Notorious Bettie Page) you have sullied by putting this piece of offal up on the silver screen, and somehow you still made this into a terrible film.
I'm pretty certain no one except yourself cared about the lesbian kiss scene (mainly because it was pointless and stupid, partially because you made Locken look like Carrot Top's hideous love child), nor could we care any less about the incomprehensible plot, and all of us wish you'd shut up about the fact that you used real Romanian hookers for the scene with Meatloaf because they were cheaper than actresses. You should be proud of one thing, though: you are in the same class as George Lucas when it comes to taking first rate actors and getting them to give to give the most wooden performances of their careers. Really, way to go.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale:
I... oh, screw this. Sticking my head in an oven is more productive than watching any more of your godawful movies. Anyone who wants to can watch the trailer on your own damn site and see just how worthless it looks. Calling a ravening horde of monsters an "army of ruffians" is almost as comical as the fact that they look like they're a gimpy group of muppets. It's no wonder the only financing you've been able to get is through that now-defunct piece of German tax law which let investors write off any losses in the movie business. One last thing: Worst. Movie. Title. Ever.
Now, to be fair, there is a certain enjoyment to be had when watching your movies. Every Friday, we have "Bad Movie Night" at my apartment. This involves a group of my friends and I sitting around the TV and making fun of whatever flick we've picked out for the week. Two weeks ago it was Alien vs. Predator, last week it was Doom, this week it's been House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. Normally, booze is consumed in order to alleviate some of the sting brought on by watching these movies, but we realized that if we incorporated drinking games with your movies some of us might die of alcohol poisoning.
But this admission in no way means that any movie of yours is "good". In your recent ego-drenched interview with Eurogamer, you stated that,
"The dangerous thing right now is that a lot of people bash me without thinking about the movies. It's fashionable to hit on Uwe Boll, and this is what I don't get. And I don't get why this comes so harshly from the games press,"
as well as there are plenty of people who like your movies out there. I hate to break it to you, but twenty or so people don't make for a fearsome fanbase. Your movies really are that terrible, stop pretending otherwise. Do us all a favor and get out of the film business. I don't care what you end up doing, so long as I never have to hear from you again.
I hope you have a heart attack, you worthless hack.