absolutely FUCKED UP
i'm so sick of making everyone upset, and i'm so sick of not being there for people who care. thanksgiving was a fucking joke..for a while. i saw my ex boyfriend. i don't know why he's keeping it a secret, why can't he just tell her? if he cared about me, he wouldn't hide it. he wouldn't care about her feelings, he'd care about mine. i miss him so fucking much it's killing me. so went out, came home, got fucking yelled at and got pissed off. i wish they would've fucking hit me. just one hit, and i'd have been fucking out the door. so went to smoke outside, and then sat in my car crying. i should've slept out there. it's raining outside, it'd be nice..i guess. i took too much & now i'm fucking all twitchy & went from fucking mental breakdown to omgimhappykinda. i've completely lost my mind..and myself..oh and all of my friends too. it isn't my FUCKING FAULT that i like hanging out with other people. but i miss them so much, and i want them fucking back in my life. i just wanna stop pissing my parents off and i wanna stop doing shit i shouldn't be. i need to figure out myself before i learn to love someone else. it's like when i need someone, i have very few choices all of a sudden and i hate that the most. i want my old self back, and i know a lot of other people would like me back too. i just wanna go back..but it's so hard. i made josh upset today and i felt so bad. i hope he's okay. called ben up, was crying out of my mind. he told me he didn't want me to do anything stupid & he wanted me to wait up for him to call me so he could come way later on to my house to take care of me. but if he comes, my mom will call the fucking cops. so i have to wait until like 2am. which is stupid because i'll probably fall the fuck asleep after the shit i took. i guess the only reason i write in here is because right now i don't really have anyone to talk to. as sad as that sounds, it's true. ben's at shooters and he isn't calling me until like 10. i don't know where the fuck josh is, but i know he's upset. and basically i doubt anyone else wants to hear my bullshit. a certain someone who i care about a lot decided to get off the phone and watch a movie because my problems weren't of his interest after WEFUCKINGDIDSTUFFTODAY. god damn it. whatever..i'm gonna go find something to intoxicate myself. i don't wanna remember this night, or anything.