the push that sent the knife into the electric socket and my face let out its last fake smile
this was it
no corners.
just the street below me.
do i jump or do i step? that is the only question that matters in this dead leaf of a life.
i choose step. it has more ties that way. more memories as i look back. i look back to the day this all happened. no corners. it was today.
"its ok" *i lied* "i understand" *i lied again* "this will work out" *another lie* "i will not spend every next night searching under my skin for the answers" *more lies*
"one last hug" *the wingless truth*
im on my own. no corners.
this winter has only just begun. i swore it would last through the winter....now i swear not even i will.
no. i choose to jump. for merely stepping would not give me as much time as a second more of writing this. i choose to jump. no corners.
i knew it would feel like this. ive never had this sensation before...but i knew. id played it over in my mind every time the phone rang or the second hand ticked. this feeling of a threaded tree branch stuck between the two portruding veins in my left wrist has yet to diminish. i thought i had rid myself of it. just last night on my knees on the floor crying my heart out silently screaming that i would hold back from the very thing i am now initiating against it all.
i dont want to hear it. i dont want to. i know where to look. no i wont call. no i wont hold back. youre here for me. but your only staying on the ground directly below my feet and yelling up to reconsider. what good will that do my brothers? will that force me to take the stairs down? oh no no no not this time dearest. no corners.
my fingers are no longer even attached. they dangle from the broken stretched skin as you all think of how you can use them to your advantage. "yay! now we can finally lay against the concrete hard enough that the asphalt digs into our cheeks. i can smile as the blood pools over knowing its the only thing i taste more than you! arent you excited to land face first against the roof and then throw away what you no longer want and nail it down with the screws you took from the last girl. oh my im just so excited for this!!"
go shoot yourself
is this really it? no no no because every day this will only will only repeat will only repeat repeat itself foreverrrr until i am nothing but lines. every one of them will shrink this and say to again get over it. well i am getting over it. im getting over the cursed ledge and not closing my eyes as i step. yes yes i shall step. no corners.
do you know if it will hurt to die?
here they all come now. the "oh no because i walked by you lying on the sidewalk and didnt spit on you i have the right to think what i will." well not if i force safety pins through your eyesockets and burn through your ears with rope. here i am. right now.
is this what they wanted? to be responsible for it all? or was this the others will? or truer yet was this just all of my own planning? i dont want you. any of you. i want to be ripped from the life i know and strangled with my own thumbs bearing another name. the name of Scarecrow. for i am far beyond a mere suicidal kamakaze. as now i am only the skin stretched over the singed straw of a heart. not able to move due to the wooden stake of a spine driven through my back. i can no longer move forward. i must jump. jump from the ground and pull the stake from the floor that nails me back down to the level of my heels. i shall jump. breaking the board of splinters and freely jumping.
no corners.
i can only thank the one. the only one worth thanking. the match that shall keep out the bitter cold of myself durning the hardest time of this ending winter storm. but even still matches burn only shorter. as every promise i now make i make with a tongue that i continue to cut off each second it attempts to replace itself. every "ok i wont" and all of the "hit the end then hit the pillow"'s will all be muffled. all of them responsible for this.
and what is this shall you ask? for you know. i do not need or plan to tell the likes of you all. think to ourselves i realize it all drops to the floor. all of the rubberbands i take from my intravenous and wrap around my throat. right below the adams apple. so when i swallow it will only force out the last of the fluids washing up from my blistered stomach. every last word comes out as a vomit of a choke. shed no tears. for that job is reserved. miss me not. for you all will miss another. just leave my life. go Scarecrow do not stop walking. step. and i refuse to stop walking until my legs are crushed with the impact of my chin.
is this easy on anyone? the answer: yes. they did not not did not lose sleep over this and this. they merely said what they thought was the target and shot away with the fire tipped arrow of teenage nothingness and easy stitchings. but half a mile off the arrow sets the town on fire. the peasants run into their homes too wrapped up in their wrapped up orders of "save your innocence!!". so each one *too afraid to experience the pain of when they look at their straw houses as simple piles of ash and soot* jump into the very flames stealing their life away from them. well if thats what they want then place whoever is left alive in stocks and push around the chunks of melting corpses with a stick and slowly say "my love my love this has been done for you all" is that the answer? well if it is not then jump into the flames yourself and walk out to tell me im lying. go ahead. jump. i will. no corners.
do you know if it will hurt to die? i dont know either. but dont worry youll be the first i call. ill let you know shortly. just sit still for a moment with your index on the send button.
no corners.
i shall keep my eyes open throughout it all. i will not squint with the wind ripping off my eyelashes. i will step. no corners. here goes Nothing with its fingers intwined with Everything.
no corners.
here is my step.
no corners.
just the street below me.
do i jump or do i step? that is the only question that matters in this dead leaf of a life.
i choose step. it has more ties that way. more memories as i look back. i look back to the day this all happened. no corners. it was today.
"its ok" *i lied* "i understand" *i lied again* "this will work out" *another lie* "i will not spend every next night searching under my skin for the answers" *more lies*
"one last hug" *the wingless truth*
im on my own. no corners.
this winter has only just begun. i swore it would last through the winter....now i swear not even i will.
no. i choose to jump. for merely stepping would not give me as much time as a second more of writing this. i choose to jump. no corners.
i knew it would feel like this. ive never had this sensation before...but i knew. id played it over in my mind every time the phone rang or the second hand ticked. this feeling of a threaded tree branch stuck between the two portruding veins in my left wrist has yet to diminish. i thought i had rid myself of it. just last night on my knees on the floor crying my heart out silently screaming that i would hold back from the very thing i am now initiating against it all.
i dont want to hear it. i dont want to. i know where to look. no i wont call. no i wont hold back. youre here for me. but your only staying on the ground directly below my feet and yelling up to reconsider. what good will that do my brothers? will that force me to take the stairs down? oh no no no not this time dearest. no corners.
my fingers are no longer even attached. they dangle from the broken stretched skin as you all think of how you can use them to your advantage. "yay! now we can finally lay against the concrete hard enough that the asphalt digs into our cheeks. i can smile as the blood pools over knowing its the only thing i taste more than you! arent you excited to land face first against the roof and then throw away what you no longer want and nail it down with the screws you took from the last girl. oh my im just so excited for this!!"
go shoot yourself
is this really it? no no no because every day this will only will only repeat will only repeat repeat itself foreverrrr until i am nothing but lines. every one of them will shrink this and say to again get over it. well i am getting over it. im getting over the cursed ledge and not closing my eyes as i step. yes yes i shall step. no corners.
do you know if it will hurt to die?
here they all come now. the "oh no because i walked by you lying on the sidewalk and didnt spit on you i have the right to think what i will." well not if i force safety pins through your eyesockets and burn through your ears with rope. here i am. right now.
is this what they wanted? to be responsible for it all? or was this the others will? or truer yet was this just all of my own planning? i dont want you. any of you. i want to be ripped from the life i know and strangled with my own thumbs bearing another name. the name of Scarecrow. for i am far beyond a mere suicidal kamakaze. as now i am only the skin stretched over the singed straw of a heart. not able to move due to the wooden stake of a spine driven through my back. i can no longer move forward. i must jump. jump from the ground and pull the stake from the floor that nails me back down to the level of my heels. i shall jump. breaking the board of splinters and freely jumping.
no corners.
i can only thank the one. the only one worth thanking. the match that shall keep out the bitter cold of myself durning the hardest time of this ending winter storm. but even still matches burn only shorter. as every promise i now make i make with a tongue that i continue to cut off each second it attempts to replace itself. every "ok i wont" and all of the "hit the end then hit the pillow"'s will all be muffled. all of them responsible for this.
and what is this shall you ask? for you know. i do not need or plan to tell the likes of you all. think to ourselves i realize it all drops to the floor. all of the rubberbands i take from my intravenous and wrap around my throat. right below the adams apple. so when i swallow it will only force out the last of the fluids washing up from my blistered stomach. every last word comes out as a vomit of a choke. shed no tears. for that job is reserved. miss me not. for you all will miss another. just leave my life. go Scarecrow do not stop walking. step. and i refuse to stop walking until my legs are crushed with the impact of my chin.
is this easy on anyone? the answer: yes. they did not not did not lose sleep over this and this. they merely said what they thought was the target and shot away with the fire tipped arrow of teenage nothingness and easy stitchings. but half a mile off the arrow sets the town on fire. the peasants run into their homes too wrapped up in their wrapped up orders of "save your innocence!!". so each one *too afraid to experience the pain of when they look at their straw houses as simple piles of ash and soot* jump into the very flames stealing their life away from them. well if thats what they want then place whoever is left alive in stocks and push around the chunks of melting corpses with a stick and slowly say "my love my love this has been done for you all" is that the answer? well if it is not then jump into the flames yourself and walk out to tell me im lying. go ahead. jump. i will. no corners.
do you know if it will hurt to die? i dont know either. but dont worry youll be the first i call. ill let you know shortly. just sit still for a moment with your index on the send button.
no corners.
i shall keep my eyes open throughout it all. i will not squint with the wind ripping off my eyelashes. i will step. no corners. here goes Nothing with its fingers intwined with Everything.
no corners.
here is my step.