Feeding Time AGAIN

[vanishingemily]

It's dinner. In 45 minutes. I don't want to eat. I'M NOT HUNGRY!!! I'm FULL. I don't want to eat food. ihateitihateitihateit!!! I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat at all. I feeling full. It sucks. It really really sucks. This whole thing just SUCKS. I don't want to get better; it's too hard. No, now I know that's not the way to talk. Not the way to think. I need to focus, to be positive. I need to have HOPE for the future. Hope for MYSELF. But damn, this sucks. Having to eat like this? TWO-THOUSAND CALORIES A DAY!?! It's outrageous! TWO-THOUSAND CALORIES!!! I'm used to eating 450. Or less. *sigh* I REALLY don't want to eat dinner tonight. I want to be HUNGRY, Damnit. This is so damn ing hard. Jesus Christ, this is hard. So ing hard. I want to not do it, but I do want to at the same time. I think that, for now, my desire TO do it is winning. I just hope it stays that way. They're going to allow me to start selecting my food tomorrow, ASSUMING I can get through the next two meals without having an emotional breakdown. I already got through lunch pretty fairly (not well, just fairly), and so I have to get through two more (consecutively) before they'll allow me to start selecting. If I do end up breaking down during a meal, they're going to postpone the privelage until I CAN get through three consecutive meals without having a breakdown.

The other ED patients are going on their walk now. Off the unit. it all. Just it all. They said I'm not allowed to go out on a walk today because I was SIX MINUTES late to the dayroom. Just SIX ING MINUTES, and they're taking away my walk. I haven't been outside since MONDAY. I want to ing go outside.

You know, I'm never going to forget this place. Ever. E-VER. Ever ever ever.

Not ever.

x-posted to ednos_pretty, my eating disorder annals