...and I forgot to tell you...
For the first time in a while I actually have time to update. A good update like I used to write. Well that's what I'm hoping anyway. Ted and I have been toether for almost three weeks and we've had the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing for a week and one day. Sometimes I have doubts about us. He's great to me. And great excluding the diamond and gold bracelet he bought me. By great I mean it seems like he really cares about me and why I'm so upset half the time. He doesn't push me into having sex with him but sometimes I don't know if he can hold it off for a little longer like I want to. Last night I told him if he really wants to be with me then it'll be a while. And he said he'll just have to wait then. Sometimes I feel like breaking it off. Not because of him or anything about him, just me. I don't know if I'm ready to have a boyfriend. It's been a while. The hook ups I've had since Peter were meaningless. Since the friendship loss with Nicole and me I haven't been myself. I've barely been able to keep up with my few good friends and now a boyfriend just adds a load on me. Everyone who knows how hard I've had life within the past [almost] year think it's great that Ted and I are together. And I do also but I'm still not ready to move on with my life. That leads to...If I'm not ready to move on now when so many things are going wonderful for me [Step dad is gone. boyfriend. new best friend who I adore. and opf course my other friends] than I wonder if I'll ever be ready or able to move on.....
Before everyone [Heather, Alex, and Ted] got here last night I was really upset. I was thinking of what I'm writing now and more. All about Nicole. I feel like I shouldn't move on with anything without her. I feel like I shouldn't have Heather as a friend or Ted as a boyfriend...I feel like I shouldn't pick up from where her and I left off. I know that is so wrong to say and act on but I can't help it. Last night I relived my very bad days I used to go through over her. I cried and cried and puked and threw things...It wasn't a good feeling. Not at all.
But Heather got here a little before 11 and we talked before the boys came.[11:45]
And now to the happy part of this entry...Ted and Alec stayed until 3am. Ted and I fell asleep for about five minutes before my mom woke us up and said it was time for them to leave. He's was so sweet to me. We mostly cuddled in my bed. Listened to music. He loves what I listen to. Not the hardxcore stuff but all the 90's music I listen to. Alanis, Sarah McLachlan stuff like that. He loooves it. that was last night. oh and Alec and Heather are going out now. I'm so happy for her!=)
Today around 5 we went to the mall. Ted got there around 6:30. Mom picked us up at 7:15. We didn't hang out for too long but that's okay because he was being an asshole. I can't really describe it but he just was. It pissed off me and Heather. I got a few kisses before we left. That didn't make up for his being mean. And right before we drove off he said he was coming to see me tonight. I don't believe that though. I'm going to bed now. Well I'm gonna try.
p.s. Heather and I are officialy best friends. I love her.
and the asshole of the night just IMed me. wonderful.
Before everyone [Heather, Alex, and Ted] got here last night I was really upset. I was thinking of what I'm writing now and more. All about Nicole. I feel like I shouldn't move on with anything without her. I feel like I shouldn't have Heather as a friend or Ted as a boyfriend...I feel like I shouldn't pick up from where her and I left off. I know that is so wrong to say and act on but I can't help it. Last night I relived my very bad days I used to go through over her. I cried and cried and puked and threw things...It wasn't a good feeling. Not at all.
But Heather got here a little before 11 and we talked before the boys came.[11:45]
And now to the happy part of this entry...Ted and Alec stayed until 3am. Ted and I fell asleep for about five minutes before my mom woke us up and said it was time for them to leave. He's was so sweet to me. We mostly cuddled in my bed. Listened to music. He loves what I listen to. Not the hardxcore stuff but all the 90's music I listen to. Alanis, Sarah McLachlan stuff like that. He loooves it. that was last night. oh and Alec and Heather are going out now. I'm so happy for her!=)
Today around 5 we went to the mall. Ted got there around 6:30. Mom picked us up at 7:15. We didn't hang out for too long but that's okay because he was being an asshole. I can't really describe it but he just was. It pissed off me and Heather. I got a few kisses before we left. That didn't make up for his being mean. And right before we drove off he said he was coming to see me tonight. I don't believe that though. I'm going to bed now. Well I'm gonna try.
p.s. Heather and I are officialy best friends. I love her.
and the asshole of the night just IMed me. wonderful.